Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

Balls to anyone saying they shouldn't help you.

Bloody selfish. Why the heck wouldn't you help your own flesh and blood in that circumstance.

Totally understandable if you feel hurt/ annoyed.

There are a number of issues here.
One, it can be hurtful, especially if you see friends parents helping their children out while yours won't do similar for you. It's like they don't care about you as much as other parents care about their children.
Two, they shouldn't have to help you out. Not because it's their money or some argument like that but because life shouldn't be this hard for young people or families. I think a lot of older people just don't understand how different and difficult things are for younger people.
Three, your parents might be in a sort of transition generation. In that, when they were young working adults, I wouldn't be surprised at all if the custom was for them to help out their own parents by giving them some money. Younger working people were richer than the elderly back then. Now, elderly people are richer than the young and so money flows down the generations, not up the generations as it did in the past. This is a cultural shift your parents might not have made.

YABU to expect it and to resent it if they don't
YANBU to wish they would and feel sad because they don't

YWBU to tell them they should 'share' or try to 'guilt' them
YWNBU to talk with them if you are actually in financial need

My parents were much better off than DH and I were in our 'salad days'. They didn't offer to give us money just because they had more than we did and we certainly didn't expect it! But they 'came to the rescue' no strings attached when DH was hurt on the job and his Wk Comp pay didn't cover the bills and I had to go on bedrest with DC2 (there is no mat pay where we live). They paid our mortgage for about 6 months as well as helping with any 'shortfall'.

If my DC needed financial help I would certainly help to the extent we could. But I wouldn't make large gifts of money unless I had money to burn. OP's parents may look 'rich' on paper, but when you reach a certain age you do realize that you need to hold on to assets to be sure you can fund elder care rather than rely on your children. And you can always be 'asset rich and cash poor'.

My parents are in similar position to yours, own two properties outright, both with seven figure values. Final salary pension £100k+, 2-3£ million in investments. They also got there through being money conscious forever, plus inheriting from two sets of immigrant parents who were also very frugal and lived well below their means, plus some luck with property investments. They paid for my uni and wedding but do not give my brother or I money and we’ll often split meals, or they may pay for more of a holiday accommodation we’re sharing but rarely will pay for things fully, occasionally do meals out etc. For my parents, not spending is coming from the life time of saving mentality plus I think the expectation that adults should support themselves. My mom is still convinced they might run out of money if they both need some kind of long term care (70, both very healthy). Definitely something could happen tomorrow resulting in them needing round the clock care… but at this point I think even including that they would struggle to run out. My mom has said they just cannot let go of a life time of saving 🤷‍♀️.

Your parents made it on their own with hard work and clever investment. Follow their lead and stop moaning and emulate them rather than berate them.
There is greater satisfaction making it yourself rather than have it fall into your lap. Let's them enjoy the fruits of their labour without you thinking you deserve it too.

not saying our parents generation didn’t have to work hard and save, with my parents things certainly didn’t come easy and they didn’t have any financial help from their parents but I really don’t think that generation can fully comprehend how hard it can be to be actually get on the housing ladder / childcare costs these days.

Quite, my in-laws worked hard but the fact their 40k house in the 80s is worth close to 2m now isn't down to much more than luck.

Its odd that your parents dont offer.

Im lucky too with wealthy parents and inlaws. Got lots of help from both. My parents already had help from my grandparents early in life and it made everything so much easier for them. They would rather have us enjoy the money now with them.
We will do the same with our children too if our circumstances dont change.

My mum is similarly wealthy to your parents from the sound of it, and she has helped me and my sister out a lot. We have been very fortunate to receive many large monetary gifts from her, and she's very generous to the GC. Her philosophy is that the money should be spent wisely and invested to grow, so it is there for us, and then our children, for as long as possible. This my philosophy too. Obviously this is dependent on us working hard and being financially sensible ourselves. I just can't imagine not having this outlook towards my own children!

In my experience it depends on parental attitude more than wealth. My mum is not as well off as ILs but is more generous and has given us more than them despite feeling like the 'poor' one.

My ex's grandmother was very wealthy. He mentioned a car he loved once (it was second hand but not a banger so we are talking thousands but not tens of thousands) she handed him a wad of cash so he could buy it.
He tried to tell her he couldn't take it and she said "why not, you'd get it when I die anyway and this way I can see you enjoy it".
That is how I have viewed it ever since, as far as I'd want to do the same (in an alternative universe where I have money!).

I don't think parents should go without holidays and nice things just to help out adult children that are "doing ok", but when there's obviously plenty in the bank even after those nice things, I don't understand why they wouldn't want to. So no, considering you are only feeling this and not making demands, yanbu.

I think you can't expect help. But honestly I think it's really odd that parents can be wealthy or very comfortable and not help. I have a similar experience, but I don't think my parents are as wealthy.

I think in particular it's often a generational thing.
I'm sure they worked hard and I'm sure you do do. I'm not sure they worked way harder than you. But probably were quite fortunate in when they were making investments and buying their properties. Although I'm sure somone will dispute this!! So they probably think you have the same opportunity to build this wealth they have.

This is what I tell myself re my parents. Rather than they just don't give a shit.

I can't imagine having plenty of money and not wanting to share it with lived ones. But maybe that's why I'm not rich!!

My parents always used to help me out - and they weren't even that well off! As a consequence when I can I always help out close relatives who are struggling. It's the way I've been brought up. The family philosophy is that you help others when you are well off and when you need it you receive help.

YANBU, if I had that kind of money I’d gladly help my DC out. Most of my friends have for wealthy parents and have had substantial help.

Really, not called upon- my mother didn’t have any scruples about calling on me for care home placing. Never put her hand in her pocket once.

If they only got rich late in life they may have internalised the whole ‘pull yourself up by the bootstraps’ mentality. I’m sure a lot of boomers unconsciously think that way, actually.

The best thing you can do is talk to them about how tough you’re finding it. Maybe they’ll be more sympathetic than you think.

I find it crazy that people can be that comfortably off and not help their own children - there is nothing else in life money could buy me that would make me happier than helping out my own children - a lot may disagree but I simply find it hard to believe parents like that love ,care or have any regard for their children at all - obviously with exception to situations like not wanting to fund addictions or not having money to help.

Seriously? 100k coming in, as well as final salary pensions, and they are merely "comfortable"? You must live on a different planet from me.

I think parents should treat and help out their children if they are lucky enough to have the means to.

Agreed, "it's not that much" was my first thought but I wondered if it would be rude to say.

100K for a young or middle-aged couple is more about the continued earning potential / the guarantee of continued income. Here, the age/employability/retirement factor is a huge one. 2 cruises and 2 properties is more privileged than many in this economy, but not really the height of luxury at that age, and most certainly doesn't mean they're set for life.

If investments – how much of the yield is liquid assets vs has to be pumped back into capital in order to continue funding their retirement?

Independent consultancy work – not continued guaranteed source of income as your parents age... This was the case for my own father who was raking in an average of 5 digits per month for much of my teenage years/young adulthood, work dried up as he aged out

I think if you were actually living hand to mouth they might help you out, but as it stands they're genuinely not actually that minted, and you're not visibly struggling in any way. You could try being honest about wanting a funded holiday, but in a tactful and non-grabby way.

Your parents should think about inheritance tax planning and start giving away their wealth to you so it does not get swallowed by the taxman. It is why wealthy people often given gifts to their dcs during their lifetime.

I voted YABU because you shouldn't expect help. Your parents were in your position and through hard work have become successful. Maybe they expect you to do the same?

That said if I were wealthy I would help my DC as much as I could to make their lives easier.

I am a single parent, but retrained at age 48 and now earn 100k a year. I have given both my adult sons a 25% deposit for a house, and furnished the houses ( with furniture they chose), and I can HONESTLY say, NOTHING in life has brought me more joy. I am very lucky to be well paid, but even if I wasn't, I would still help them as much as i possibly could. I just cannot understand how parents can watch their children struggle, if they have the means to help them.

My DP are both v rich and whilst they haven't ever given me money they have both paid for holidays/meals out and DM gave DC each a large 18th bday gift. I don't think they are obliged but I don't understand why they wouldn't prefer 1 cruise and 1 holiday in Europe with their DC and DGC for example, just makes no sense to me.

This isn't the case for OP. OP already is established and stable job wise.

I'm in the camp of I can't understand it not wanting to help your own adult child when you can EASILY afford it. I also think that whilst it's upto OPS parents this would naturally affect our bond unfortunately.

@Moonlightisenthralling exactly! As someone who has sorted out probate for their parents I’m gearing up to pass on £ to my kids ASAP when they need to get on the property ladder as opposed to when I die minus IHT. (Godwilling I will be around in 20years, my parents both died early)