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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made my kids pay for the food they took

690 replies

piqueen · 21/03/2023 11:24

Did I go too far?
I took their Christmas money to replace the sweets and treats they took. We do a big shop once a month and I buy all the chocolates/ crisps and other cupboard bits for the month. These are for lunchboxes for the kids, dh and for picnics on the weekend (or pack lunches for days out) , also biscuits and breakfast bars. You know, the good stuff?
I did the shop on the 1st and by the 3rd I thought, the cupboard looked a bit empty on the 3rd (so 2 days) and by the 6th I definitely knew something was up.
The boxes of cereal bars were empty (but still stacked so first glance there is non missing), all the chocolate had gone, the biscuits had been opened and eaten.

me and dh did a big clear out of their room and moved the furniture around. We found all the evidence, evidence which included loads of fridge snacks too. Frubes, cheesestring, baby bell which the wax has got stuck in the carpet.
I was so pissed off i took the kids Xmas money and have been using it to replace the items for DHs lunch only. The kids are having no treats in their lunch and I'm only buying fruit.

The reason we do a big shop is because I don't drive so I get a taxi once a month to keep costs down. (it's cheaper to shop at aldi and pay £10 once a month than shop in sainsburies every week, so I bulk buy aldi and top up at the more expensive shop) The kids have obviously been doing this for some time as there was so much rubbish behind and under the wardrobe.

It's been 2 weeks since I took their money but I feel so guilty. They only get a little bit (it was £40 between them) and they are only 9 and 10 but, also they stole a month's worth of treats for everyone (dh works in a physical job so he gets easy bars he can stick I his pocket, sometimes he is doing a 12 hour shift, very labour intensive and no chance to nip to mcdonalds)

I'm going back and forth between
'actions have consequences' and
'kids will be kids'

I don't even know if the lesson has sunk in because they have been eating loads of fruit instead now which is better but obviously costs more than chocolate bars and the price if everything is going up I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh

Yabu - give the money back
Yanbu - they should pay for the food they took

OP posts:
PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 21/03/2023 11:25

If they're resorting to having to steal food,it doesn't sound like they're getting enough food :(

premicrois · 21/03/2023 11:26

I would be looking into why they have been taking food, not punishing them for it.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 21/03/2023 11:27

There is more to this surely than OP is letting on. I did not enjoy reading this at all

nokidshere · 21/03/2023 11:29

I agree this doesn't seem like an isolated incident. If it was I wouldn't be taking their money but I would cut out buying treats for a month.

chezpopbang · 21/03/2023 11:29

Not great if they are sneaking the food but maybe they are hungry? If they are eating fruit surely that means they need it. Kids often eat more frequently than adults. As they are growing they burn through it quicker than us. Maybe look at the meals you are making them and make sure they have complex carbs so they stay fuller for longer. My 2 year old will eat so many snacks I'm sometimes shocked he's still hungry.

Hintofreality · 21/03/2023 11:29

What next? Charging them for flushing the toilet as they are using too much water?
Also, “stealing”, really? They are kids taking snacks from the food cupboard in their home. They are kids, kids get hungry and snack. It’s not their fault you are so anal about food.

Flamingogirl08 · 21/03/2023 11:30

I'd have a look at your rules around food in general. If they feel really restricted that could be why they eat secretly. Are they hungry? Do they get enough at mealtimes?

I think you need to talk to them and work out the reasons before punishing them to be honest

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 21/03/2023 11:30

My daughter went through this recently with her 11 year old. The kid was getting in from school at 3.30, and whilst waiting for his mum to get home at 4.30, scoffed 3 bowls of cereal and 2 packets of crisps - just because the stuff was there. He had had, for his school lunch, a ham sandwich, packet of crisps, a yoghurt, apple, banana and a Twix. He certainly gets enough to eat (cooked dinner every night plus a dessert or fruit) My daughter now keeps the "snacks/good stuff" in a locked box

TrombonesAreNotBones · 21/03/2023 11:30

I wouldn't buy the snacky food any longer.
Their lunches will have to be sandwiches, fruit, and veg like carrot sticks. Shrug.

It might be worth a chat about why you buy in bulk (budgeting) depending on how old they are.

Itsbytheby · 21/03/2023 11:30

YABU I think. It's your children's home too and I hate the thought of children not feeling they have access to food - it's a basic right and surely they aren't "stealing" food in their own home. If there is specific treat food you want to ration can you not buy smaller amounts less frequently or put it somewhere they don't have easy access?
Cereals etc doesn't sound like treats. Why are the "stealing" it? Are they getting enough food.
Your post made me uncomfortable.

StarmanBobby · 21/03/2023 11:31

YANBU. If my kids went and ate all the biscuits or treats without permission I'd do the same. It's the reason we don't keep much in the hse - they'll always choose the junk food first. But without junky snacks they'll eat fruit or toast or similar.
You don't need to put that stuff in their lunches though - maybe from now on skip the 'treats'. They don't need crisps or choc in their lunch.

whatthebejesus · 21/03/2023 11:32

It feels a bit of 50/50 to me

Are they allowed treats and do they know when they are allowed them? Maybe there's been a miscommunication somehow and esp if you haven't noticed previously then you can't say they were doing something wrong and retrospectively punish for that moving forward.

At 9&10 they're old enough to have some self control over what they eat. My 5 year old knows that they're allowed 1 biscuit or treat. No more. I don't think you went overboard but I do think this is your chance to draw the line in the sand and communicate with them properly about how much things cost, what they are there for and how long they are to last and who they are for. If that means that they're entitled to 1 bar a day then they know that.

If they're scoffing loads of treats then maybe another thing to consider is if they're getting enough to eat at meal times? Obv this can be a double edged sword as if they're eating loads of snacks then they won't be hungry. But same with fruit - there's a lot of sugar in there so 1 or 2 pieces a day is plenty. They can fill up on veg and protein at dinner time.

Offer them carrot sticks and houmous as a snack. Or savoury muffins. If they don't want it then they're not hungry.

Atnilpoe · 21/03/2023 11:32

You’re being unreasonable because you’ve given them two consequences- for me it would either be, they pay to replace, or no snacks til the next month. But also, how did you not see them doing it?!

comingoutofmycageandillbedoingjustfine · 21/03/2023 11:32

I think YABU. You need to look at why they are feeling the need to steal food and hide evidence.

If you get a taxi to do a big food shop, you say you bulk buy, how much realistically can one person carry to a cab. Is the 'bulk' food shop really a bulk food shop?

Also - why don't you get an Icelandic delivery? Similar / cheaper than Aldi. And they deliver. Saves cab money.

I think punishing them is wrong. I'd look into why they are needing to steal and hide food. That wasn't a nice read and I think there are bigger problems than this.

Can you realistically afford to give them this much pocket money if you're this regimented on food?

TrombonesAreNotBones · 21/03/2023 11:32

Why do snacks equal 'good stuff'? Two posters have called snacks like crisps 'good stuff'. Curious.

4timesthefun · 21/03/2023 11:32

If they are genuinely sneaking and eating that much in such a short space of time, I’d also be looking at whether boredom and supervision are factors that need addressing. I know my 10yr old goes into the cupboard and sneaks treats from time to time, but he just wouldn’t have the chance to do it constantly. Between school, extensive hobbies, social outings, and family time, there is quite limited opportunity to be raiding pantries and fridges unnoticed. When we are all home together, we would often be doing things, or one of us would be near the kitchen cooking etc.
My guess is you and your DH probably need to up your engagement with the kids, and look to increase activity outside the home etc to reduce boredom. I know I eat a lot when I’m a bit bored and understimulated, so it’s not surprising when kids do it!

KilljoysMakeSomeNoise · 21/03/2023 11:33

Really? Anal about food?

I couldn't afford endless snacks for my kids. So they were rationed, for lunchboxes etc. They had decent lunches, good portions for dinner etc, they didn't need to snack all the time. I still had one who would sneak food though, and I'd find wrappers hidden.

Still, revenge is mine now. He is an adult and buys his own snacks. I occasionally take one. Grin

Chowtime · 21/03/2023 11:33

no you can't charge your kids for the food they eat sorry.

Find another way to address the problem.

cocksstrideintheevening · 21/03/2023 11:33

YABU to take their money. Don't replace the snacks this month. It sounds like they're hungry.

Ichosetheredpill · 21/03/2023 11:33

Not related to the AIBU but if a taxi is costing you £10 a time, Tesco (and probably others) do off peak delivery saver for £3.99 a month so you could have food delivered more regularly for less.

Lesvacances · 21/03/2023 11:34

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 21/03/2023 11:25

If they're resorting to having to steal food,it doesn't sound like they're getting enough food :(

You do know what dc are don't you? 😅

I don't think I would take their money but I'm soft.
Just tell them that they can have half the money back if their good behaviour lasts until April.

XelaM · 21/03/2023 11:34

That's really mean. It's their house too and they shouldn't be punished for eating what's in the cupboard.

MasterBeth · 21/03/2023 11:34

TrombonesAreNotBones · 21/03/2023 11:32

Why do snacks equal 'good stuff'? Two posters have called snacks like crisps 'good stuff'. Curious.

It's a fucking mystery, isn't it...

Because they taste delicious and contain nice things that humans crave like fat and salt?

Sirzy · 21/03/2023 11:34

You need to talk to them about the issue, maybe have a weekly box of snacks they can access that week. Make it clear when things are gone they are gone.

i think stuffing cupboards full of temptations was always going to backfire at some point

StarmanBobby · 21/03/2023 11:35

'Their lunches will have to be sandwiches, fruit, and veg like carrot sticks.'

This. As they get older and walk to school they'll be using their pocket money to buy crap, their friends will buy crap and share etc. So I would stick to non-junk in lunches while you can.
If they're hungry, they'll eat what they're given in their lunches.

And as for thse saying you must be starving them and food shouldn't be restricted. Get a grip! Only on MN would you find people saying your kids should be able to each as much junk as they like!