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AIBU?

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Original poster

I made my kids pay for the food they took

690 replies

piqueen · 21/03/2023 11:24

Did I go too far?
I took their Christmas money to replace the sweets and treats they took. We do a big shop once a month and I buy all the chocolates/ crisps and other cupboard bits for the month. These are for lunchboxes for the kids, dh and for picnics on the weekend (or pack lunches for days out) , also biscuits and breakfast bars. You know, the good stuff?
I did the shop on the 1st and by the 3rd I thought, the cupboard looked a bit empty on the 3rd (so 2 days) and by the 6th I definitely knew something was up.
The boxes of cereal bars were empty (but still stacked so first glance there is non missing), all the chocolate had gone, the biscuits had been opened and eaten.

me and dh did a big clear out of their room and moved the furniture around. We found all the evidence, evidence which included loads of fridge snacks too. Frubes, cheesestring, baby bell which the wax has got stuck in the carpet.
I was so pissed off i took the kids Xmas money and have been using it to replace the items for DHs lunch only. The kids are having no treats in their lunch and I'm only buying fruit.

The reason we do a big shop is because I don't drive so I get a taxi once a month to keep costs down. (it's cheaper to shop at aldi and pay £10 once a month than shop in sainsburies every week, so I bulk buy aldi and top up at the more expensive shop) The kids have obviously been doing this for some time as there was so much rubbish behind and under the wardrobe.

It's been 2 weeks since I took their money but I feel so guilty. They only get a little bit (it was £40 between them) and they are only 9 and 10 but, also they stole a month's worth of treats for everyone (dh works in a physical job so he gets easy bars he can stick I his pocket, sometimes he is doing a 12 hour shift, very labour intensive and no chance to nip to mcdonalds)

I'm going back and forth between
'actions have consequences' and
'kids will be kids'

I don't even know if the lesson has sunk in because they have been eating loads of fruit instead now which is better but obviously costs more than chocolate bars and the price if everything is going up I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh

Yabu - give the money back
Yanbu - they should pay for the food they took

OP posts:
isitjustmey · 21/03/2023 12:37

Trinity65 · 21/03/2023 12:33

WTF is her being an "only child" to do with it ??!

People always dissing on ONLY children here, like we are a species of our own
NO we are not all spoilt food thieving kids either!
In fact its fucking lonely as an Only especially as you get older!!
Perhaps the poor kid comfort eats??

Show quote history

Please calm TF down! I only said it to solidify the fact that there's more than enough food in the house as she's the only kid eating it, i.e not sharing. If she's spoiled, I don't have any evidence that it's because she's an only child 🙄
I HAVE AN ONLY CHILD AS WELL!!

Sortyourlifeout · 21/03/2023 12:37

icanneverthinkofnc · 21/03/2023 12:36

'They must be hungry'..give me strength, they are kids, they fancy the snacks..I bet on the days they swiped those they miraculously weren't that hungry for dinner.
I would have taken enough money to replace their father's snacks. I wouldn't have replaced anything else and would refuse to buy treats next month.

Yeah, some of the comments on here are pathetic!! They are bloody kids! I remember sneaking food for midnight snacks or because I was bored or whatever!

smokeyr · 21/03/2023 12:37

My son has his own cupboard and also a container in the fridge which are both accessible with things he can have without asking; all healthy etc. might be worth considering something similar if your DC are hungry etc

Keepupandout · 21/03/2023 12:38

Yanbu and you are way overthinking this.

They scoffed a month's worth of junk and snack food in a few days and mucked up their rooms with the rubbish.

You charged them £40. Job done, point made. Don't back down.

Some parents may have the money and lack of nutritional sense to let their kids eat their weight in chocolate digestives and call it cruelty to think any other way. Your dc were not hungry. They just wanted to eat unlimited junk. And that includes the Baby bells and novelty yoghurts.

I would sit down with dh and rethink how and when shopping for treats happens, and how it is stored.

Curiosity101 · 21/03/2023 12:38

I didn't want to just give it back as that would show I was wrong to punish them

I dislike this trait in parenting. There's nothing wrong with admitting you got something wrong and saying what you'll do better next time. You're a human being, not a machine. I feel it's much worse to instill in children that they shouldn't admit when they've made a mistake.

If they throw it back in your face in the future then I'd address that. But not at the expense of not showing weakness/not explaining that you over reacted. It's a good learning moment for the kids.

I was going to say similar to someone up thread, snack boxes for the kids would be a good idea. But also I couldn't tell from your posts whether you've had a conversation with them about acceptable consumption of shared food, and whether they're actually going against what has been said in the past. If you've been implicitly expecting them to know what's 'fair' without showing/explaining it to them then that's not fair at all. Neither is punishing them if that's the case, cause they've not necessarily made a conscious choice to do something 'bad'. They were hungry, and they ate some food.

redskylight · 21/03/2023 12:38

I did this as a child.

As an adult looking back retrospectively I can see I was craving attention and something "nice" in my life.

I would not assume they were hungry, but I would look at the "why" they've done it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/03/2023 12:39

Skimmed a bit so apologies.

I couldn't vote because it was reasonable yet unreasonable at the same time.

What about finding a way for them to earn back their pocket money? That way you get a few jobs done and don't have to feel guilty about their savings. or they get to buy something each week for a £ on a Friday out of their own money so that they get to grips with how much things cost.

They may not be hungry but everybody likes a treat. Yet what they did was really frustrating.

So maybe if they know there is a planned treat/snack time ie.. something healthy that they like as soon as they get in from school ( which was always the witching hour in our house - they were usually thirsty and "hangry) and that filled the gap for them.
Its good that you have shown up "the evidence" and made them own up... and you are making them snack on fruit. Have to confess I laughed my head off at the BabyBel finds.. as we'd had them too

Second option - they can learn how to do some tray bakes /flapjacks and they can pay back that way... plus keeping them in special tin with a known allowance
That way they can see the effort that goes into buying, and making and cleaning up... it will be more meaningful to them. They have to look up and choose recipies and make a shopping list etc.. it could keep them quiet for a while too.
Good luck..

azimuth299 · 21/03/2023 12:39

5128gap · 21/03/2023 12:35

You're wrong to take their money. The stuff was bought for them, they've just eaten it in a couple of days rather than spreading it out over the month, so the consequences are nothing for the rest of the month, once its gone its gone.
As for eating your husband's share, that shouldn't come to £40 worth. A grown man shouldn't be resorting to treat bars in the absence of McDonald's! If that's how he eats, that's poor role modelling for the children.
Going forward you need clear rules about what they're allowed to eat and when. A strict ban on bedroom eating is also useful.

I noticed that too. If DH has a bad relationship with food and eats a lot of sugary treats and McDonalds then that's not only going to be an expensive way to eat for a family on a tight budget, but also sets a bad example for the kids.

Whichwhatnow · 21/03/2023 12:40

All of these people saying poor kids/must be underfed/how dare you restrict access to food etc etc must have kids with remarkable levels of self-restraint 😅. When I was a kid I 'stole' ice cream/biscuits/crisps etc. I was perfectly well fed and had access to bread, sandwich fillers, cereal, fruit etc etc at all times. I just preferred the fatty/salty/sugary stuff! And yes my mum was angry when she found out, because (a) eating that much crap was unhealthy, (b) we couldn't afford an endless supply of treats and (c) I knew full well that I wasn't to take that food, specifically, without asking. The idea that I was some poor starved child abuse victim just cos I preferred a packet of crisps to a ham sarnie is frankly ridiculous.

OP I agree with other posters that you've double punished them and should either give them no treats for however long these were meant to last, OR make them pay for replacements.

Trinity65 · 21/03/2023 12:40

isitjustmey · 21/03/2023 12:37

Please calm TF down! I only said it to solidify the fact that there's more than enough food in the house as she's the only kid eating it, i.e not sharing. If she's spoiled, I don't have any evidence that it's because she's an only child 🙄
I HAVE AN ONLY CHILD AS WELL!!

Show quote history

NO NEED TO GET ARSEY WITH ME! as you did not make that CLEAR at first, Lady !!

Somethingneedstochange78 · 21/03/2023 12:40

I wouldn't say it's cheaper to buy chocolate than fruit. Just hide what you don't want them having. There's nothing wrong with only putting fruit in they're lunchbox. But stuff like ham and frubes can be frozen. Or you can make ham sandwiches in batches and take out as needed. By the time it's lunchtime it's defrosted and not soggy and stays nice and fresh.

TeaAndTwoSugars · 21/03/2023 12:40

This thread is a right laugh 😂🍿

Sortyourlifeout · 21/03/2023 12:41

Curiosity101 · 21/03/2023 12:38

I didn't want to just give it back as that would show I was wrong to punish them

I dislike this trait in parenting. There's nothing wrong with admitting you got something wrong and saying what you'll do better next time. You're a human being, not a machine. I feel it's much worse to instill in children that they shouldn't admit when they've made a mistake.

If they throw it back in your face in the future then I'd address that. But not at the expense of not showing weakness/not explaining that you over reacted. It's a good learning moment for the kids.

I was going to say similar to someone up thread, snack boxes for the kids would be a good idea. But also I couldn't tell from your posts whether you've had a conversation with them about acceptable consumption of shared food, and whether they're actually going against what has been said in the past. If you've been implicitly expecting them to know what's 'fair' without showing/explaining it to them then that's not fair at all. Neither is punishing them if that's the case, cause they've not necessarily made a conscious choice to do something 'bad'. They were hungry, and they ate some food.

I also agree with you that it's ok to say 'I got it wrong.'

But in this case, she didn't . It may not have been the way others would have dealt with it, but she's not out of order with her punishment.

EmmatheStageRat · 21/03/2023 12:42

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 21/03/2023 11:25

If they're resorting to having to steal food,it doesn't sound like they're getting enough food :(

My teen DD steals food; believe me, she gets plenty of nutritious food. Some kids don’t have an ‘off’ button.

Goldenbear · 21/03/2023 12:42

Brace yourself for the teenage years, where they mostly eat all of the time! My nearly 16 year old DS brought 4 friends home last Tuesday and as I didn't know, there wasn't much available and I was still at work so they ordered a delivery of frozen pizzas, coke and ice cream between them!

I think they may be bored as well and at 9 and 10 I would be around my DC enough to know if they were taking a months worth of snacks in a few nights. I have an 11 year old in year 7 who returns from school before I return from work. Between them they finish off a pack of biscuits (if available) and eldest will make sandwiches, youngest has crackers and cheese. This is all before 6pm and then they are still really hungry and want dinner as soon as I get in. They are both lanky so I have come to the conclusion that children need more food than you think sometimes. Especially your eldest are you sure they are getting enough to eat?

BansheeofInisherin · 21/03/2023 12:43

Some parents may have the money and lack of nutritional sense to let their kids eat their weight in chocolate digestives and call it cruelty to think any other way. Your dc were not hungry. They just wanted to eat unlimited junk.

But their dad is eating this. So why should they not? I find it really odd that a nine-year-old should be expected to have self control when their dad isn't.

diddl · 21/03/2023 12:44

I'd be annoyed that they have taken stuff that was meant for others but I don't think I would have taken money to replace it.

I wouldn't be buying them chocolate biscuits etc for a couple of shops though.

Does your husband drive/have a car?

EggBlanket · 21/03/2023 12:44

You would be doing them all a favour by not buying so much junk food. None of the food your describe is healthy or necessary. You say your husband needs a bar of something in his pocket because sometimes he doesn’t have time to go to Mac Donald’s. It’s no wonder your kids have an unhealthy relationship with food.

Itstillgoeson · 21/03/2023 12:45

This seems horrible and likely to make them feel unwelcome in their own home and bring up issues around food.

Keep a loaf of sliced wholemeal bread in the freezer that they can make toast from, make muffins/flapjacks/brownies, have fruit available.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/03/2023 12:46

Children SHOULD have the amount of sweets and chocolate they have restricted!

who could honestly think otherwise!

No wonder there is an obesity crisis in the uk

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 21/03/2023 12:47

DaisyBoop · 21/03/2023 11:51

😆 😆 It’s sweets, not proper food. Kids will eat sweets until they’re sick, even if they’ve just had a 3 course meal. I’d be more concerned if they were stealing loaves of bread.

Show quote history

I wouldn't call babybel or frubes "sweets". Don't be so ridiculous 😂

Bellaboo01 · 21/03/2023 12:47

piqueen · 21/03/2023 11:24

Did I go too far?
I took their Christmas money to replace the sweets and treats they took. We do a big shop once a month and I buy all the chocolates/ crisps and other cupboard bits for the month. These are for lunchboxes for the kids, dh and for picnics on the weekend (or pack lunches for days out) , also biscuits and breakfast bars. You know, the good stuff?
I did the shop on the 1st and by the 3rd I thought, the cupboard looked a bit empty on the 3rd (so 2 days) and by the 6th I definitely knew something was up.
The boxes of cereal bars were empty (but still stacked so first glance there is non missing), all the chocolate had gone, the biscuits had been opened and eaten.

me and dh did a big clear out of their room and moved the furniture around. We found all the evidence, evidence which included loads of fridge snacks too. Frubes, cheesestring, baby bell which the wax has got stuck in the carpet.
I was so pissed off i took the kids Xmas money and have been using it to replace the items for DHs lunch only. The kids are having no treats in their lunch and I'm only buying fruit.

The reason we do a big shop is because I don't drive so I get a taxi once a month to keep costs down. (it's cheaper to shop at aldi and pay £10 once a month than shop in sainsburies every week, so I bulk buy aldi and top up at the more expensive shop) The kids have obviously been doing this for some time as there was so much rubbish behind and under the wardrobe.

It's been 2 weeks since I took their money but I feel so guilty. They only get a little bit (it was £40 between them) and they are only 9 and 10 but, also they stole a month's worth of treats for everyone (dh works in a physical job so he gets easy bars he can stick I his pocket, sometimes he is doing a 12 hour shift, very labour intensive and no chance to nip to mcdonalds)

I'm going back and forth between
'actions have consequences' and
'kids will be kids'

I don't even know if the lesson has sunk in because they have been eating loads of fruit instead now which is better but obviously costs more than chocolate bars and the price if everything is going up I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh

Yabu - give the money back
Yanbu - they should pay for the food they took

Of course you went too far by taking their Christmas money.

Am i correct that you only have two that are 9 and 10 and you have taken their Christmas money to pay back food that they have eaten?

Why are they stealing food? Are they hungry? Maybe you're not buying enough for them.

If you cant afford to buy enough of the 'treats and sweets' just not buy them and they will have to fill up on fruit and other snacks. A packet of biscuits only costs 50p.

BaroldFromEastenders · 21/03/2023 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

massive over reaction - get a grip

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/03/2023 12:49

BansheeofInisherin · 21/03/2023 12:43

Some parents may have the money and lack of nutritional sense to let their kids eat their weight in chocolate digestives and call it cruelty to think any other way. Your dc were not hungry. They just wanted to eat unlimited junk.

But their dad is eating this. So why should they not? I find it really odd that a nine-year-old should be expected to have self control when their dad isn't.

@BansheeofInisherin

presumably their dad isn’t binging on it all in one go though?

Partyandbullshit · 21/03/2023 12:50

I don’t understand the budgeting. You do a monthly shop in Aldi by taxi because that’s cost efficient, but your DH can afford (albeit doesn’t have the time to get) McDonald’s at lunch, you buy triangle cheese and frubes and cereal bars and crisps, but fruit is more expensive than chocolate, and you’re replenishing through £49 of children’s Christmas money….

None of this makes any sense. If you’re in charge of shopping and cooking, buy and cook proper food. Not empty calories, proper stuff: plain yogurt with honey if they want it; bananas are cheap as chips, sandwich made with cheese sliced off a block, a small bowl of peanuts, apples and peanut butter. Reduce the expensive processed shit, replace with cheaper and more filling proper food, and you won’t have children “stealing” their own food and you wouldn’t be actually stealing their money. (And you did steal their money: if your brother came into your house and did this would you help yourself to his wallet? Unbelievable).