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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I made my kids pay for the food they took

690 replies

piqueen · 21/03/2023 11:24

Did I go too far?
I took their Christmas money to replace the sweets and treats they took. We do a big shop once a month and I buy all the chocolates/ crisps and other cupboard bits for the month. These are for lunchboxes for the kids, dh and for picnics on the weekend (or pack lunches for days out) , also biscuits and breakfast bars. You know, the good stuff?
I did the shop on the 1st and by the 3rd I thought, the cupboard looked a bit empty on the 3rd (so 2 days) and by the 6th I definitely knew something was up.
The boxes of cereal bars were empty (but still stacked so first glance there is non missing), all the chocolate had gone, the biscuits had been opened and eaten.

me and dh did a big clear out of their room and moved the furniture around. We found all the evidence, evidence which included loads of fridge snacks too. Frubes, cheesestring, baby bell which the wax has got stuck in the carpet.
I was so pissed off i took the kids Xmas money and have been using it to replace the items for DHs lunch only. The kids are having no treats in their lunch and I'm only buying fruit.

The reason we do a big shop is because I don't drive so I get a taxi once a month to keep costs down. (it's cheaper to shop at aldi and pay £10 once a month than shop in sainsburies every week, so I bulk buy aldi and top up at the more expensive shop) The kids have obviously been doing this for some time as there was so much rubbish behind and under the wardrobe.

It's been 2 weeks since I took their money but I feel so guilty. They only get a little bit (it was £40 between them) and they are only 9 and 10 but, also they stole a month's worth of treats for everyone (dh works in a physical job so he gets easy bars he can stick I his pocket, sometimes he is doing a 12 hour shift, very labour intensive and no chance to nip to mcdonalds)

I'm going back and forth between
'actions have consequences' and
'kids will be kids'

I don't even know if the lesson has sunk in because they have been eating loads of fruit instead now which is better but obviously costs more than chocolate bars and the price if everything is going up I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh

Yabu - give the money back
Yanbu - they should pay for the food they took

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 23/03/2023 13:18

Excessive not excess

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2023 13:27

Bloody hell the comments on these threads are always an absolute joke. Talk about melodrama.

If they knew they weren't supposed to take that food, then YANBU. Hopefully they won't do it again now.

18thCpanniers · 23/03/2023 13:36

There are a lot of parents on here who are quick to judge that stealing treats must mean the children are hungry, and the OP is somehow to blame for underfeeding them.

What nonsense. The children almost certainly had other, cheaper choices at their disposal that they wouldn’t have needed to hide to eat. They chose family treat stash over the bread, cereal, milk & spreads that, at their ages, they are able to manage, because they wanted the sweet & salty treats, not because they were being nutritionally neglected by their parents.

it is unfortunate that supermarkets have chosen to label crisps, cheese strings, fruit leathers & strings sweets, chocolate, biscuits & sweet bars of all kinds, as ‘snack’ foods. Parents are often under pressure from their children, and for the sake of convenience, to buy them. Such foods are treats & sometimes, conveniences, but they are expensive and not necessary to anyone’s diet. While I think Christmas is several months away, and the OP’s no-doubt frustrated initial decision about Christmas money might bear reconsideration, it sounds as though the family food budget is carefully managed, and the OP is reasonable to be worried about prices as well as sensible in understanding that children must be taught that actions have consequences.

I’d definitely deprive them of their usual treats for the month, but in terms of family budgeting, I’d also quietly reduce the number of ready-snacks (things that used to be called treats, because they were eaten once per week and often bought with the children’s own pocket-money) purchased each month, but the cereal & energy bars only for your husband, and spend some
of the difference on low-sugar breakfast cereals, bread, ‘sandwich vegetables’ and spreads. Crisps & so-called snack bars belong in the ‘treats’ rather than ‘snacks’ category for everyone except the manually-labouring husband, who does need regular energy top-ups to do his job.

Children don’t need more than two NHS-described servings of fruit per day (especially given that fruit between meals means that there will be sugar and fruit acids sitting on their teeth between brushings) so you might consider offering one serving as their lunchbox snack and the other as a starter or end to their evening meal.

Consider trying this. When they come home from school or a weekend sporting event, they will be hungry. Let them make their own after-school snack (teach them about portion sizes and specify, for example, the number of slices of bread or cheese allowed, and provide an appropriately-sized cup for cereal to be measured). Insist that they use a plate (and cutlery as well if appropriate), pour a glass of water or make a up of decaffeinated tea, put all screens & distractions away, and eat it as a proper meal. If preferred, this could be the time to allow the second serving of fruit. Give it a name: afternoon tea would be appropriate.

Set a timer for the meal (15 minutes for a sandwich or cereal) and do not let them go off to play or turn on a screen until the timer is up. They might wash their utensils and hands, ensure they have cleaned up after themselves, and allow them to sit and read or chat if the time isn’t up when they have finished, but don’t give them any activity options that might make them inclined to bolt down their food to get to it.

Children don’t need snacks after eating a well-balanced dinner/supper containing sufficient complex carbohydrates, protein & vegetables. They need a low-level family activity (telly, a board game, cards, or just a bit of free time) and then a bath, a story (they are not too old: it’s a great opportunity to introduce them to topics & themes that you wouldn’t want them to encounter for the first time on their own) and bed.

Good luck!

Floomobal · 23/03/2023 13:42

18thCpanniers · 23/03/2023 13:36

There are a lot of parents on here who are quick to judge that stealing treats must mean the children are hungry, and the OP is somehow to blame for underfeeding them.

What nonsense. The children almost certainly had other, cheaper choices at their disposal that they wouldn’t have needed to hide to eat. They chose family treat stash over the bread, cereal, milk & spreads that, at their ages, they are able to manage, because they wanted the sweet & salty treats, not because they were being nutritionally neglected by their parents.

it is unfortunate that supermarkets have chosen to label crisps, cheese strings, fruit leathers & strings sweets, chocolate, biscuits & sweet bars of all kinds, as ‘snack’ foods. Parents are often under pressure from their children, and for the sake of convenience, to buy them. Such foods are treats & sometimes, conveniences, but they are expensive and not necessary to anyone’s diet. While I think Christmas is several months away, and the OP’s no-doubt frustrated initial decision about Christmas money might bear reconsideration, it sounds as though the family food budget is carefully managed, and the OP is reasonable to be worried about prices as well as sensible in understanding that children must be taught that actions have consequences.

I’d definitely deprive them of their usual treats for the month, but in terms of family budgeting, I’d also quietly reduce the number of ready-snacks (things that used to be called treats, because they were eaten once per week and often bought with the children’s own pocket-money) purchased each month, but the cereal & energy bars only for your husband, and spend some
of the difference on low-sugar breakfast cereals, bread, ‘sandwich vegetables’ and spreads. Crisps & so-called snack bars belong in the ‘treats’ rather than ‘snacks’ category for everyone except the manually-labouring husband, who does need regular energy top-ups to do his job.

Children don’t need more than two NHS-described servings of fruit per day (especially given that fruit between meals means that there will be sugar and fruit acids sitting on their teeth between brushings) so you might consider offering one serving as their lunchbox snack and the other as a starter or end to their evening meal.

Consider trying this. When they come home from school or a weekend sporting event, they will be hungry. Let them make their own after-school snack (teach them about portion sizes and specify, for example, the number of slices of bread or cheese allowed, and provide an appropriately-sized cup for cereal to be measured). Insist that they use a plate (and cutlery as well if appropriate), pour a glass of water or make a up of decaffeinated tea, put all screens & distractions away, and eat it as a proper meal. If preferred, this could be the time to allow the second serving of fruit. Give it a name: afternoon tea would be appropriate.

Set a timer for the meal (15 minutes for a sandwich or cereal) and do not let them go off to play or turn on a screen until the timer is up. They might wash their utensils and hands, ensure they have cleaned up after themselves, and allow them to sit and read or chat if the time isn’t up when they have finished, but don’t give them any activity options that might make them inclined to bolt down their food to get to it.

Children don’t need snacks after eating a well-balanced dinner/supper containing sufficient complex carbohydrates, protein & vegetables. They need a low-level family activity (telly, a board game, cards, or just a bit of free time) and then a bath, a story (they are not too old: it’s a great opportunity to introduce them to topics & themes that you wouldn’t want them to encounter for the first time on their own) and bed.

Good luck!

Measuring cups for “approved” servings and timers for meals sounds like a great way to cement weird relationships with food.

What a bizarre suggestion to make a cup of tea - they’re 9 not 90.

Goldenbear · 23/03/2023 13:46

UnderHisEyeOverMyDeadBody · 23/03/2023 11:48

JFC no wonder there are so many fat kids and adults about with most of the responses on this thread.

Frubes - full of sugar.

If OP had said they had snuck away natural yoghurt, completely different story.

Cheese - high in saturated fat and salt

Crisps - salty, fatty goodness.

I despair.

OP fair play to you, I think it’s a harsh lesson for them to learn that if not now, when?

Oh yes of course as emotional eating is not known at all to cause weight problems with children. Boredom is probably the biggest reason, not playing with toys or outside, just fixating on food. My DC are really thin probably because they self regulate and I have not made food the highlight of their life or a method by which to reward or punish someone with. It is really simplistic to just state it is eating rubbish food when we all know it is not just about the food it is about the child's whole life, do they have hobbies, do the parents cook them good quality food, do the parents know how to cook, do the children have lots of interests as that is what their parents' model. We had biscuits and crisps as kids and we weren't overweight as we had stuff to do that wasn't just on a screen.

nannykatherine · 23/03/2023 13:58

Some of the replies on this are ridiculous !!!
it’s all about balance
of course have fun stuff available ..
a treat in lunch box or after school is a way of brightening up the day ..
I don’t think
fruit is not as expensive as choc tho
and I’m sure you do offer it ..
i think it’s a phase they are going through and the individual box idea is good and may help self regulation

Vynalbob · 23/03/2023 14:06
  1. Surely a Tesco or Asda weekly or biweekly would be better/easier/maybe even more cost effective.
  2. If it was a one off they'd have been told off, if it's not I'd have taken 50%....but as you've already made the decision I would never go back on it (sends the signal of easy to sway)
  3. Would consider or or 2 of the following
a) Getting a lock on the treat cupboard b) Hide yours & OH share (+Lean towards bananas) and say when the treats/fruit is gone they're gone. c) Buy the absolute cheapest stuff u can get so it's less of a hit money wise.

Good luck

18thCpanniers · 23/03/2023 14:15

How judgemental & narrow-minded of you to consider a child drinking a cup of tea as ‘bizarre.’ Different families have different habits and cultures around hot drinks. I was drinking coffee (grounds, not the posh stuff) at home by the time I was about eight, and tea at my gran’s house. Both were caffeinated. To the best of my knowledge, no harm was done.

Many adults and children already have a weird relationship with food: they eat far too much of it, and select the options that are likely to result in poor health, then blame
their obesity on gluten, high fructose corn syrup, preservatives or trans-fats, rather than accepting that their plate is too big and too full. One of the many (probably main) reasons so many children and adults are overweight is because they lack an understanding of appropriate portion size. It isn’t obsessive to teach children to apply what they have already learned at school about the ‘healthy food plate’ & portion sizes recommended by the NHS.

What is weird is that so many parents don’t understand or accept that their own actions (or inactions) and modelled behaviours have consequences for their children. If you don’t teach your children how to make and enjoy a health and appropriately-sized meal, then the responsibility for their later obesity may well lie with you. If the child begins a cycle of yo-yo dieting, becomes bulimic or develops a different eating disorder in an attempt to lose weight because the child’s parents didn’t teach them how to eat, whose fault is that?

It isn’t hard for a parent to read a label on a cereal packet to find the suggested serving size, weigh it, adjust it (perhaps by adding more if the child is very active), find a normal cup that fits that approximate quantity of cereal, and declare it ‘the cereal cup.’ Nothing obsessive about it: it’s just what you serve your cereal with.

Sandwiches? How many slices of bread does your child need after school, taking age, sex and activity level into account. Some might need a single sandwich, others, a three-slice sandwich, while very active teens may need more, especially boys who are undergoing a growth spurt.

If they sit down to eat their snack, take the full length of time and have it with a drink, and still declare themselves to be hungry, then make a judgement call. Are they really hungry, or are they avoiding beginning their homework? If they’re still hungry, sure, let them have another serving or half-serving. At least they’ll be in a position to judge how much to eat, and not end up with that sick, over-stuffed feeling that happens when you go for seconds, realise it’s too much, and finish it anyway out of habit or obligation.

SharonKaren · 23/03/2023 15:25

Fatredwitch · 23/03/2023 13:04

It would never have occurred to me, as a child or an adult, that eating food from the kitchen at home amounted to stealing. My grandchildren will usually ask if they want something like a Kit kat or a bag of crisps but they will help themselves to biscuits, and I don't feel that they have stolen them. (I should point out that I don't feed them entirely on snacks!)

If I had found out that my kids were secretly eating and hiding the evidence, I would be upset because I hadn't realised that they were hungry and because they had felt the need to hide things from me. I would also expect my husband to be capable of sorting out his own snacks. I would never have taken their Christmas money. Frankly, I think that that is appalling.

Same here...I think while this question from OP sounds simple enough, the opinions I read here actually point to large difference of opinions in family culture. I guess that's why people are so different.

Restricting food access (unless of course poverty is involved here), even to fruits and yoghurts and cheese, having separate cupboards for family members, exerting a high level of control and monitoring over food, "charging" kids for food or accusing them of stealing. I mean of course depends on the context, hopefully these are extreme examples, and I understand there are also out of control behaviours and food poverty, but outside of these, these practices make me really wonder how they effect children and shape the way they grow up. Then there are questions over punishing versus teaching to share....

Floomobal · 23/03/2023 15:57

18thCpanniers · 23/03/2023 14:15

How judgemental & narrow-minded of you to consider a child drinking a cup of tea as ‘bizarre.’ Different families have different habits and cultures around hot drinks. I was drinking coffee (grounds, not the posh stuff) at home by the time I was about eight, and tea at my gran’s house. Both were caffeinated. To the best of my knowledge, no harm was done.

Many adults and children already have a weird relationship with food: they eat far too much of it, and select the options that are likely to result in poor health, then blame
their obesity on gluten, high fructose corn syrup, preservatives or trans-fats, rather than accepting that their plate is too big and too full. One of the many (probably main) reasons so many children and adults are overweight is because they lack an understanding of appropriate portion size. It isn’t obsessive to teach children to apply what they have already learned at school about the ‘healthy food plate’ & portion sizes recommended by the NHS.

What is weird is that so many parents don’t understand or accept that their own actions (or inactions) and modelled behaviours have consequences for their children. If you don’t teach your children how to make and enjoy a health and appropriately-sized meal, then the responsibility for their later obesity may well lie with you. If the child begins a cycle of yo-yo dieting, becomes bulimic or develops a different eating disorder in an attempt to lose weight because the child’s parents didn’t teach them how to eat, whose fault is that?

It isn’t hard for a parent to read a label on a cereal packet to find the suggested serving size, weigh it, adjust it (perhaps by adding more if the child is very active), find a normal cup that fits that approximate quantity of cereal, and declare it ‘the cereal cup.’ Nothing obsessive about it: it’s just what you serve your cereal with.

Sandwiches? How many slices of bread does your child need after school, taking age, sex and activity level into account. Some might need a single sandwich, others, a three-slice sandwich, while very active teens may need more, especially boys who are undergoing a growth spurt.

If they sit down to eat their snack, take the full length of time and have it with a drink, and still declare themselves to be hungry, then make a judgement call. Are they really hungry, or are they avoiding beginning their homework? If they’re still hungry, sure, let them have another serving or half-serving. At least they’ll be in a position to judge how much to eat, and not end up with that sick, over-stuffed feeling that happens when you go for seconds, realise it’s too much, and finish it anyway out of habit or obligation.

But not judgmental and narrow minded to say lots of people on the thread are talking nonsense becoase they don’t agree with you? 😂

As for drinking coffee as a child, that’s bizarre and certainly not healthy. I also think I’ll take the recommendations from NHS and dentists etc that caffeine and tea/coffee isn’t recommended for children, rather than the age old anecdata of “never did me any harm” that people of a certain age/upbringing like to trot out in relation to rational arguments (often where it comes to road safety/seat belts/car seats etc).

”Never did me any harm” is not a reasonable argument for most things

Josieangel21 · 23/03/2023 17:42

I have found popcorn a saviour in these situations of hungry, nom, nom, nom. Not ready made, but the type you microwave 2mins and cheap (sorry if anyone posted this, putting a medal on it). Huge bowl of fidget and settling sorted (in my experience) also carrot sticks crunchy, and apple slices similar, I have less worry about delicious and nutritious. It's great if you can slide in sliced kiwi, my autistic child is game on for this and love they are sinked to eat. Loves, loves eating bits and bobs, frequently worth a thought (They're 15) Also non Nd likewise the same, but I can/have to cut out dinner if they are overwhelmed by doing a meal at a set time, sorry ramballed.

Sennelier1 · 23/03/2023 20:39

I think you should at least warn them the snacks are coming out of their pocketmoney. After all, it's their home and if the food they want is in the house it's normal they go after it. Just tell them what they can have per/day. Give them a fair warning before you punnish them.

WhatsNewPussyCatty · 23/03/2023 23:00

I agree with the OP.

RJPage · 23/03/2023 23:56

I have raised three children to adulthood: a computer engineer, an ocean engineer, and an accountant
I would 100% do this same thing. Packaged snacks are not healthful or necessary at home. Even fruit as snacks was limited in our home by this age. The kids were offered healthy, tasty meals 3 times a day as well as a small meal after school.
Please don't beat yourself up. Stealing and hiding, especially premium COMMUNITY (in your case, family) items, is a BIG deal that should be punished if you want your kids to function well in adult society.

Ineke · 24/03/2023 07:42

If they know that the snacks were meant for their lunch boxes then YANBU but I wouldn’t take their money, just tell them not to do that and why
If they are hungry then that is what you should be addressing. I don’t hold with crisps , cereal bars etc for snacks, in between meals. So much sugar in cereal bars and really not a healthy diet. ‘Snacks’ as such, didn’t really exist in my childhood. Sweets as a treat yes, but eating in between meals was frowned upon. If they are hungry provide healthy snacks such as hummus, carrot sticks, nuts, fruit. Eating so much junk food will lead to problems later in adolescence I think. Teach them healthy eating and provide more filling food at meal times.

Goldenbear · 24/03/2023 10:10

RJPage · 23/03/2023 23:56

I have raised three children to adulthood: a computer engineer, an ocean engineer, and an accountant
I would 100% do this same thing. Packaged snacks are not healthful or necessary at home. Even fruit as snacks was limited in our home by this age. The kids were offered healthy, tasty meals 3 times a day as well as a small meal after school.
Please don't beat yourself up. Stealing and hiding, especially premium COMMUNITY (in your case, family) items, is a BIG deal that should be punished if you want your kids to function well in adult society.

Respectfully, I absolutely disagree. I was raised in way where the ideal was to be kind and considerate (probably too liberal in your eyes) but my brother and I are successful and civilised members of society with very good jobs- Partner in a law firm and Data/Cyber security consultant, I'd jobs make a difference to what constitutes functioning well in society.

Goldenbear · 24/03/2023 10:10

If not I'd.

G5000 · 24/03/2023 14:04

Same here, Goldenbear. What teaches being kind and considerate better - if you are allowed to take decisions about snack-eating, but consider other family members (and your health) in your decisions; or if you are told when and what you are allowed to eat?

Bellaboo01 · 24/03/2023 17:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Bellaboo01 · 24/03/2023 17:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Juced · 25/03/2023 08:04

My partners mum was very strict around food and I my partner and his siblings were always hungry so they resorted to stealing food, this contributes to unhealthy relationship with food and trust because your kids clearly do not trust you! I think maybe you are over zealous with rules, I get that it’s expensive but you probably need a much more relaxed approach especially when it’s all your kids and not an isolated incident!

Grammarnut · 25/03/2023 12:15

RJPage · 23/03/2023 23:56

I have raised three children to adulthood: a computer engineer, an ocean engineer, and an accountant
I would 100% do this same thing. Packaged snacks are not healthful or necessary at home. Even fruit as snacks was limited in our home by this age. The kids were offered healthy, tasty meals 3 times a day as well as a small meal after school.
Please don't beat yourself up. Stealing and hiding, especially premium COMMUNITY (in your case, family) items, is a BIG deal that should be punished if you want your kids to function well in adult society.

I agree on limiting fruit - bad for teeth and digestion - but taking food out of the cupboard suggests the children are hungry and in their own home it is not stealing - the snacks are intended for them anyway. More filling meals and showing by example that we think about others and their needs when we make choices. I'd agree about not beating yourself up about children taking the odd Twix (put soe out as available and remind people not to take the last one!). Getting uptight about food is a very good way to end up with obese children and obese adults.

NoodleC · 25/03/2023 18:31

I replying quite late and so someone may have covered this point. I think they were naughty to do it but.. have you have explained it is to last a month, and you won't be able to replace it. Sometimes kids are not aware of budget restrictions and so may just think you will buy more. I would not take their money in the way you did but unless they knew the above.

youshouldnthaveasked · 25/03/2023 18:33

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 21/03/2023 11:25

If they're resorting to having to steal food,it doesn't sound like they're getting enough food :(

Or they are bored, like we all get sometimes

Notavailabletryanotherone · 25/03/2023 18:42

Think the wording here is the problem. Stealing is too harsh but taking without asking is bad manners. The fact that they hid the wrappers , they knew they were doing wrong. Give their money back but leave them without treats until the next shop.

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