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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paid back money but was wrong

245 replies

marchella · 21/03/2023 03:51

Hi
This is a very quick summary but basically my MIL gave some money to my DH as an advance on his "inheritance". I knew nothing about this until he paid off my credit card ( roughly 5000 pounds). I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.
That was about 5 years ago.
Recently I was talking to her about a completely different thing regarding her sons behaviour and mentioned that I have financially supported him for years.
SHe said " that is not true" and mentioned the unwanted money that my DH used to pay off my credit card.
I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.
So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".
They are now not speaking to me.
I think I've fucked up , but I have a thing about being called a liar , or taking money.

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 21/03/2023 04:10

I think complaining to your mil about her son was your biggest mistake.

BertaHoon · 21/03/2023 04:14

It was a bit OTT, but then again she's clearly held some grudge about this money for years and no way should your DH have told her what it was for.

Why did he feel the need to pay off the credit card for you?

discobrain · 21/03/2023 04:20

I think you're right to stand your ground, they both stepped over a boundary there.

Let them stew.

MissingMoominMamma · 21/03/2023 04:27

What was the behaviour you were talking to her about?

You say you’re sensitive about being given things, or made to feel like you’re lying, perhaps she’s similarly sensitive about the fact that her son isn’t able to support himself.

An olive branch might be a good idea. She’s clearly upset too if she’s stopped speaking to you.

Advancedpie · 21/03/2023 04:29

What a mess all round

Tomkirkman · 21/03/2023 04:31

I think this situation is far more complex that you are saying.

Why were you say talking to your mil about your dhs behaviour.

What she pointed out was factual. Even if in the bigger picture it means nothing.

if she gave your dh the money. No one owed her anything back and I don’t think her comment was intended to make your feel beholden to her. It was statement of fact in a conversation.

I think you transferred it back to prove a point and so you could keep the line of ‘I financially support him, he does nothing for me’. And it’s back fired.

You seem to have huge issues in your marriage if your husband paying off your credit card with some of his inheritance, made you angry.

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/03/2023 05:07

I think your passive aggressive note in the reference section was hardly the actions of someone wanting a positive relationship with her in-law. Did you speak to your husband before doing it? Your MIL is kind enough to give her son part of his inheritance, he kindly pays off your credit card and you get pissed off and 5 years down the line pull that stunt? I’d not be speaking to you either.

BusterGonad · 21/03/2023 05:14

Tomkirkman · 21/03/2023 04:31

I think this situation is far more complex that you are saying.

Why were you say talking to your mil about your dhs behaviour.

What she pointed out was factual. Even if in the bigger picture it means nothing.

if she gave your dh the money. No one owed her anything back and I don’t think her comment was intended to make your feel beholden to her. It was statement of fact in a conversation.

I think you transferred it back to prove a point and so you could keep the line of ‘I financially support him, he does nothing for me’. And it’s back fired.

You seem to have huge issues in your marriage if your husband paying off your credit card with some of his inheritance, made you angry.

I completely agree with this.

Autienotnautie · 21/03/2023 05:25

Surely it should have gone back to your dh? Firstly I wouldn't complain about your dh to your mil. Your unlikely to get the preferred response. Secondly you have supported him and he's supported you, what's wrong with that? If you are unhappy with your dh then yes that needs addressing but theres nothing wrong with him supporting you.

Hardbackwriter · 21/03/2023 05:31

In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".

Well that was nasty and petty - yes you did fuck up! The whole situation sounds complicated and perhaps it's gone beyond the point of apologies but I do think you owe one.

MintJulia · 21/03/2023 05:32

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/03/2023 05:07

I think your passive aggressive note in the reference section was hardly the actions of someone wanting a positive relationship with her in-law. Did you speak to your husband before doing it? Your MIL is kind enough to give her son part of his inheritance, he kindly pays off your credit card and you get pissed off and 5 years down the line pull that stunt? I’d not be speaking to you either.

I wouldn't be happy about that either.

Why did your dh pay off your credit card bill without discussing it first? And why is he discussing your personal finances with your MIL? That's not ok.

I think you all need to communicate more. I'd explain to your dh that you are not a child and while it was a kind thought, you are an adult and can manage your own finances. Then also explain that you don't expect your private affairs to be discussed with MIL which they clearly have been.

But equally, you grumbling to your MIL that you support your dh is not OK either. It sounds like you both need to learn some discretion.

If you wanted to pay the money back, why not quietly pay it to your dh?

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 05:33

Ok so firstly, nobody owed her anything if she gave it him as an early inheritance.

She's right that if you had a £5000 credit card debt which he paid off (regardless of how he got the money), you haven't always been the sole provider. She's going to get defensive about that. He's her son. You don't slag your H off to his mom.

How did you have £5000 just sitting around to send in a strop if you had that much CC debt 5 years ago and are funding both of your lifestyles?

BloodyThursday · 21/03/2023 05:48

At my bank I could never right a reference that long.

But assuming this is true..

You moaned DH sponges off you financially.

The MIL. Knows he gave you £5k so this isn't entirely true and told you so.

You got caught out.

🤷🏼‍♀️

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2023 05:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

WordtoYoMumma · 21/03/2023 05:55

Why did you give it back to MIL and not DH? Absolutely not your place to return a gift that wasn't for you in the first place. Why do you feel you should have control over DHs finances?

MIL gave her son a gift, and he chose to pay off your credit card. If you didn't want the card paid off the money should have gone back to DH. Absolutely not your place to return to MIL.

Makes you sound very financially controlling to be honest.

And how did you have the 5k to pay back? Are you in debt by that much again now?

PinkSyCo · 21/03/2023 05:57

I’m confused at you being angry because you ‘hate owing money’ (you can’t hate it that much if you racked up a 5 grand credit card bill and didn’t bother to pay it off despite having the means). As far as I can tell the money was given to your DH and he then kindly and wisely used it to pay off your credit card bill thus meaning you owed no one anything. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aposterhasnoname · 21/03/2023 06:00

So you were slagging her son off to her, threw her very generous gift back in her face, and gave her some passive aggressive attitude to boot.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be speaking to you either.

Bournetilly · 21/03/2023 06:29

It was DHs money because he was gifted it, you should have sent it back to him not MIL.

Also I wouldn’t be slagging him off to MIL. But I guess it depends how much you have given him to financially support him, it could be way over 5k which then obviously you would feel like you are supporting him. I still wouldn’t be telling MIL.

knittingaddict · 21/03/2023 06:36

Yes, which bank allows a reference that long?

SmashedTable · 21/03/2023 06:37

well first of all, why would you clock up big credit card debt when you have savings?

secondly, why would you moan to your partner's MOTHER about him? Oh my, that was never going to end well.

and really, it wasn't cool to do that payment. Very aggressive. There are so many ways you could have handled it better. First of all, you should have paid it back to your partner as that's where it came from. And just said, look, it was a very kind thought and i appreciate that but i like to pay my own way so i'm giving it back.

Now you've created huge drama and tbh she'll probably dislike you intensely for a v long time.

Motnight · 21/03/2023 06:37

If true, terribly poor manners.

DizzyLizzyKizzy · 21/03/2023 06:38

They gave their DS an early inheritance, he chose to help you.

The money was no longer your MIL, she had gifted it away.

What were you thinking off, giving it back to someone it didn't belong too?

I think there is a lot wrong in your relationship, tbh.

Quartz2208 · 21/03/2023 06:45

She didn’t call you a liar though she just as you were morning pointed out a time when he did try and support you.

if this has made you act like this then clearly there is something rotten in the heart of your relationship

and you did know for 5 years and haven’t paid back before

Noicant · 21/03/2023 06:47

I think you were a bit out of order tbh. She made a reasonable statement of fact. Unless she’s been lording it over you about the gift I really don’t see why you did that and that note was just mean.

a) nothing wrong with telling your MIL her son is a bit useless but prepare for her to feel defensive

b) when she says hang on I gave him money - you acknowledge it and how kind it was of her to do but that you should be managing on your own without help.

c) tell your husband you want to pay it back because you don’t think he should have taken it in the first place.

Feel a bit sorry for your MIL (don’t think I have ever said that before) she really hasn’t done anything wrong and it sounds like you are taking out your frustration about you husband on her.

ArcticSkewer · 21/03/2023 06:50

It wasn't her money, it was your husband's.

So he has brought some money to the relationship, just not via a job. If he was a trust fund baby and you worked at McDos that wouldn't be you supporting him either, would it.

There's obviously massive issues in your marriage, with resentments on your side snd now probably his as well. His mother isn't going to be a good confidante or support if you want to criticise him.