Paid back money but was wrong

[marchella]

Hi
This is a very quick summary but basically my MIL gave some money to my DH as an advance on his "inheritance". I knew nothing about this until he paid off my credit card ( roughly 5000 pounds). I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.
That was about 5 years ago.
Recently I was talking to her about a completely different thing regarding her sons behaviour and mentioned that I have financially supported him for years.
SHe said " that is not true" and mentioned the unwanted money that my DH used to pay off my credit card.
I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.
So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".
They are now not speaking to me.
I think I've fucked up , but I have a thing about being called a liar , or taking money.

Um. You just called me all kinds of names so I'm not going to listen to you. Thanks anyway for your helpful input.🙄

I called you no names actually! Please do show me where I have called you names??

SOrry , just petulant rude and hotheaded

Which I believe you partly agree with?

If not why do you agree your a test and need to apologise?

You acted in a petulant, hot headed and rude manner.

Anyway enjoy your life, it's your choice to stay.

*a test = wrong!

Don't know what *a test means. Ta anyway

Oh so because I said I feel that I have treated his mum badly. Yes on this one occasion I have. Still not sure I need to apologize. Will have a think.

This ^
Op sounds very ungrateful.

I'd diagnose you with massive internalised misogyny.

How you have managed to find your anger with her and not him is a mystery

Well he does sound lazy and unproductive but you shouldn't be complaining to his mum about him. I'd defend any of my adult dc if their partners started moaning to me about them. She really just said the one thing she could think of to defend him and I can't understand why it made you so angry. It's true, he did give you money to pay off your credit card. You could have just said 'I don't think £5k makes up for ten years of not working' or whatever.

I expect she'll just give that £5k to your dp now. It was his to begin with. So he gets a nice treat and you have £5k less and look petty for going after the wrong person.

OK.
I said from the beginning I was in the wrong. It;s been a very long couple of decades. I'm not going to bother going on about it. I have picked the wrong forum All good.

I think if you'd initially included some of the information you later gave the tone of the responses would have been rather different.

You have picked the wring issue, and managed to get pissed off with his mum for 20 years of his cocklodging.
If any woman is responsible for that, it's you not her, but really ... get angry with him and stop being a martyr.

Seen your update. Much clearer now.

He's a dick who's worn you down, however much you love him. And you seem to know that.

BUT from what you say his Mum doesn't know. So it still seems a very harsh slap in the face for her.

And it doesn't really help your case if you do want to tell her. And it doesn't help your case if you don't want to tell her.

An apology is probably still in order tbh.

In fairness this might not be the wrong forum ( which smacks of " no one agrees with me ") but more a case of " I only put a fraction of the information into the OP".There was after a huge backstory.

Your problem isn't a bust up with MiL over £5000. It's a life of supporting this cocklodger.

Yeh he sounds dreadful. No wonder you are resentful.

You have a child and you’re not married? That’s your first mistake.

What you’ve done, even if you’re new to MN is post a massive drip feed which a few posters second guessed anyway.

If you post the full story here first then most other posters who respond won’t be annoyed with you, the way you’ve posted it is you’re the evil DIL who’s pissed off her DH and MIL whereas there’s a back story.

Quite. What I said. A brief read of MN would tell her that too.

You should have repaid the money to your DH as it was his inheritance he used to pay your CC off but by the sounds of it you are being taken for an absolute mug, financially, in this relationship & he owed you money anyway so that would be between you two.
As much as it would be nice to have them paid off I’d be pissed if my partner cleared my debts without talking to me about it 1st or me knowing exactly where the money came from or what ball & chain came attached to the money!

Have a really good think about what you get from the relationship, what he brings to it & if the cons outweigh the pros I’d walk away.

I think she's right, you complained about her son but he had paid the 5k off your card. It was petty to write that message too so I'm not surprised she's p*ssed off.

What a strange post and a very horrible reference message
As pp have said it wasn't your gift to return
You don't like owing money but owed £5000 on your cc

The reference was a bad choice, should of kept it simple.

Your updates make it clear why you're rightfully pissed off, but I'd advise against justifying yourself to his mum and seeking his mum's approval – which is essentially what you're doing even if you think you're just venting.

If you 2 divorce – I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but it's really not clear why for decades you've been supporting a man you're not even married to and don't seem to like that much, the whole situation sounds totally dysfunctional and dirty to be honest – the mum will pretty much be a stranger to you. So just focus on that. Do find others you're able to vent to, and who will give you some good advice on this situation.

In case it's not clear I think writing that petty reference was part of justifying yourself to his mum too. Just remain civil with her rather than getting into a petty war, and focus on fixing your messed up domestic life.

Sorry, break up not divorce