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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paid back money but was wrong

245 replies

marchella · 21/03/2023 03:51

Hi
This is a very quick summary but basically my MIL gave some money to my DH as an advance on his "inheritance". I knew nothing about this until he paid off my credit card ( roughly 5000 pounds). I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.
That was about 5 years ago.
Recently I was talking to her about a completely different thing regarding her sons behaviour and mentioned that I have financially supported him for years.
SHe said " that is not true" and mentioned the unwanted money that my DH used to pay off my credit card.
I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.
So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".
They are now not speaking to me.
I think I've fucked up , but I have a thing about being called a liar , or taking money.

OP posts:
ellyeth · 22/03/2023 19:11

It does depend to some degree on how much he originally got from his Mum. I mean you may have had to load up your credit card to pay for things you both needed or because he didn't have enough money to pay for them.

I don't think it was a good idea to make the comment to his Mum. Most Mums tend to be defensive about their children.

I can understand you being upset and annoyed but you do seem excessively angry about a lot of issues. Perhaps it would help to have counselling - either on your own or with your husband.

AllyArty · 22/03/2023 19:49

Nobody likes being called a liar. But you ran up a debt and someone else paid it off. Maybe a bit of humility is needed.

Ifeelsuchafool · 22/03/2023 22:16

How did your husband manage to pay off your credit card without your knowledge? When I had a heart attack and was hospitalised suddenly I was stressing about paying my credit card off so my daughter said she would see to it and I could sort it out with her later but she wasn't allowed to.

(Misses point entirely)

Original poster
marchella · 23/03/2023 02:06

Obviously things are different in th UK. Here is you have the bank account details or the credit card details you just transfer the money. Do you guys not do bank transfers? It's exactly the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
marchella · 23/03/2023 02:08

Anyway, on the advice of most of you I have emailed an apology for losing my temper and my bank reference. Still waiting for a reply.
It's a tad annoying as though we get on well there are times when she has behaved atrociously and I just let it slide. But there you are. I won't be returning to this thread so thanks to those who did respond with thoughtful comments.

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 23/03/2023 03:04

First off all your rudeness to mil was uncalled for your in the wrong there. Second of all complaining about a partner you picked and have known what he's like for years well thats what you decided you wanted to take on again not mil problem.

Eastie77Returns · 23/03/2023 03:19

The line the OP wrote the in invoice/reference section couldn’t be used in online banking. It’s too long. There is a fixed character limit (regardless of the country the bank is in).

MrBaileyz · 23/03/2023 14:27

It is no mistake. It let's MIL know that her son is not responsible. She believed her son walked on water. The record needed to be set straight for her to not make assumptions about her DIL. Mothers sometimes believe their children blindly. That is not acceptable when they have become adults.

MrBaileyz · 23/03/2023 14:56

So many people commenting do not know much about money.

"If she had the money why did she not pay off the credit card?"

If you make good money it is not always prudent to pay off a credit card. Credit cards can act as private banks for smart consumers. If you can get a rebate of 5% and 0% interest for a year or so it is actually smart to use a credit card. Every purchase is protected and less costly. You can use the money you would usually have to spend on living expense to invest in something that provides income. When it is logical, always use Other People's Money. OPM

Respect does not require having one's honesty questioned. It seems her husband has been painting her as the villain to the MIL. MIL has raised a manchild. It is so obvious. Many commenters here seem to be manchildren for agreeing with this nonsense from the MIL.

Vynalbob · 23/03/2023 18:40

1.Your MIL clearly 100% was not at fault.

  1. You're not so unhappy at lending ...credit card 5k =lending.
  2. The only lying that might have happened was your OH saying he'd pay off your debt without telling you.....and as you've so royally coxked this up I wouldn't be surprised if you moaned about said 5k earlier....then moan cause he fixed the issue.
GoodChat · 23/03/2023 19:10

Vynalbob · 23/03/2023 18:40

1.Your MIL clearly 100% was not at fault.

  1. You're not so unhappy at lending ...credit card 5k =lending.
  2. The only lying that might have happened was your OH saying he'd pay off your debt without telling you.....and as you've so royally coxked this up I wouldn't be surprised if you moaned about said 5k earlier....then moan cause he fixed the issue.

Borrowing

Vynalbob · 23/03/2023 20:15

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 19:10

Borrowing

Show quote history

Yes....
I was once handed some binoculars to help me see the birds but didn't understand why they were all so far away ☺️😳

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 24/03/2023 03:02

Eastie77Returns · 23/03/2023 03:19

The line the OP wrote the in invoice/reference section couldn’t be used in online banking. It’s too long. There is a fixed character limit (regardless of the country the bank is in).

I have already said that my bank allows it (also non UK) so stop assuming a lie just because it’s different from yours

magicthree · 24/03/2023 03:56

If your DH used money given to him as early inheritance to pay off your credit card how does that make you owe money? I would have been overjoyed if mine had done that. It all sounds odd to me, and yes, you are the one at fault here, and the bank reference message was just childish.

magicthree · 24/03/2023 03:58

I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.

But you owed that credit card balance to the bank in the first place, you seem happy enough about that.

Eastie77Returns · 24/03/2023 06:38

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 24/03/2023 03:02

I have already said that my bank allows it (also non UK) so stop assuming a lie just because it’s different from yours

Show quote history

I’m not suggesting your entire story is a lie, I’m just stating a fact: there is a limit of 18 characters and this is a standard applied to banks globally, not just the U.K. It’s in place because otherwise people could send confusingly long references that can cause issue particularly when sending money to businesses. The reference you claim to have sent wouldn’t be permitted. I’m speaking from personal knowledge and experience but you can also find this information on any international banking practices website.

However if your country has some kind of special rule that places it outside of international rules that I’m not aware of, fair enough.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 24/03/2023 14:34

Eastie77Returns · 24/03/2023 06:38

I’m not suggesting your entire story is a lie, I’m just stating a fact: there is a limit of 18 characters and this is a standard applied to banks globally, not just the U.K. It’s in place because otherwise people could send confusingly long references that can cause issue particularly when sending money to businesses. The reference you claim to have sent wouldn’t be permitted. I’m speaking from personal knowledge and experience but you can also find this information on any international banking practices website.

However if your country has some kind of special rule that places it outside of international rules that I’m not aware of, fair enough.

Show quote history

I am not the op but my bank does allow transfers to be sent with a longer reference and I have received transfers from businesses which show a reference that is much longer than 18 characters so your ‘fact’ is incorrect.

TheRAW · 24/03/2023 20:55

Your dilemma only makes sense if your marriage is a business contract, where what's yours is yours and what's his is his.

From my point of view (and probably legally speaking as well) your debt is joint no matter how u want to split hairs about it.

In other words BE GRATEFUL your hubby even BOTHERED to take care of that bill. He could have just as easily blown it gambling or buying some contraption u don't need or have a place for.

Is this issue really worth the energy, or do u just like conflict?

youbitchesaretwats · 24/03/2023 22:06

TheRAW · 24/03/2023 20:55

Your dilemma only makes sense if your marriage is a business contract, where what's yours is yours and what's his is his.

From my point of view (and probably legally speaking as well) your debt is joint no matter how u want to split hairs about it.

In other words BE GRATEFUL your hubby even BOTHERED to take care of that bill. He could have just as easily blown it gambling or buying some contraption u don't need or have a place for.

Is this issue really worth the energy, or do u just like conflict?

Despite OP referring to her DH and MIL, they're not married.

Hairpinleg · 16/05/2023 22:05

I can see how it would be maddening to support a man for 20 years but be told that you hadn't because he once contributed paid £5k with money someone else had given him.

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