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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paid back money but was wrong

245 replies

marchella · 21/03/2023 03:51

Hi
This is a very quick summary but basically my MIL gave some money to my DH as an advance on his "inheritance". I knew nothing about this until he paid off my credit card ( roughly 5000 pounds). I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.
That was about 5 years ago.
Recently I was talking to her about a completely different thing regarding her sons behaviour and mentioned that I have financially supported him for years.
SHe said " that is not true" and mentioned the unwanted money that my DH used to pay off my credit card.
I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.
So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".
They are now not speaking to me.
I think I've fucked up , but I have a thing about being called a liar , or taking money.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 21/03/2023 08:07

Wow! How rude of you. Now you’re five grand down and no one is speaking to you. Well played. <slow clap>.

ConcordeOoter · 21/03/2023 08:12

I think it sounds like you were taking your martyrdom to someone about their own child.

Everyone wants to live with some dignity and self respect, so if you feel super bad and put upon about the illusion of "owing" someone money they used to help you, imagine how you would feel if thet were going to your own fucking mum and whinging to them like you were some kind of parasite.

From their perspective: You've literally bitched about her own DC to them, then randomly pulled 5 grand out of nowhere when the topic at hand is "how can we stay on top of our credit card debt" but "how can I continue to resent this man".

When help from your own partner is toxic to you and you are angry at anything that affects the narrative? You may need to reflect on how other people view the situation and whether the narrative is entirely true.

Soproudoflionesses · 21/03/2023 08:12

Yeah this is about more than the money

Sierra26 · 21/03/2023 08:12

She didn’t call you a liar, she was referencing a fact (one you wish wasn’t true). Both things can be true - you support him day to day but he/she did pay off your debt.

you shouldn’t have put that passive aggressive comment in the transfer reference, that was a massive over reaction. What was that going to achieve other than escalate the situation. Not sure why you even paid it back to her when it was your husband who gave it to you.

Sounds like you’re all a bit in the wrong here, trying to get one up on each other.

SoupDragon · 21/03/2023 08:12

What is interesting about all the people claiming the reference wouldn't fit is that a) they are ignoring the fact that other posters have said it would and b) no one knows how long the OP's actual name is.

FWIW, Smile allows 18. So, enough for "nefarious dealings" and "for cinema tickets"

LumpyandBumps · 21/03/2023 08:13

OK, I am probably missing several points.
I agree that complaining about DH to his Mum is never likely to go well.
However mostly supporting DH and his Mum giving him £5k 5 years ago are not completely contradictory statements.
For all we know the £5k debt might have been run up buying things for DH, or because he wasn’t pulling his weight financially- and it only works out at £1k per year - so hardly life changing.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/03/2023 08:18

Hmm

Your MiL was only pointing out a fact. She knew the money had gone to you and had kept shtum until you were slagging off her son. Fair enough.

You flounced and repaid the money to the wrong person tbh.

I think it was pretty nasty to MiL , who had given this money and had never even mentioned it. I can see why she'd be hurt.
You should have been saying 'thank you' tbh.

You'd benefited all these years and now you're being all snarky back to save face.

Why didn't you repay to OH?

Not surprised they're upset.

Tourmalines · 21/03/2023 08:18

ArdeteiMasazxu · 21/03/2023 07:57

It's weird to have this kind of attitude when you are married. The whole point of marriage is that two people's earning power and resources being pooled together as a partnership is more stable than each individual being self-reliant.

If you wanted to be fully independent you should never have married, and should untangle your finances and divorce as soon as possible. You can keep the actual relationship going if you wish, but as two individuals unbeholden to one another.

Within a marriage, it's supposed to be a partnership. Sometimes one individual is bringing in more finances than the other, sometimes its the other way around, and both people work for the good of the partnership and often whoever is doing less by way of bringing in finances from outside is doing more in terms of household tasks, but in theory as you love one another neither of you is being taken advantage of, and it all balances out. Any debts are likewise shared (and neither party should incur serious debt without the other's agreement). If it's not like this then your marriage is in trouble anyway, obviously.

In such a context no one is beholden to anyone and if an inheritance is recieved it is the property of the partnership and isn't owed to anyone. It wasn't a debt, it was a gift, and it was weird to refuse it in the way you did. The credit card debt obviously was a debt, and there was capital available to repay it, and it was sensible to repay it.

An entirely separate issue would be if your MIL was trying to use the fact of this financial transfer to be in any way controlling of you and DH's decisions but that would be a derail. However if she wasn't trying to control you then it's perfectly normal for parents of adult children to make large lum-sum gifts as part of planning for inheritance tax (if you make a lump sum gift and then manage to survive a further 7 years then that lump sum doesn't get counted for inheritance tax, assuming you are in the UK).

This.

ConcordeOoter · 21/03/2023 08:18

As for 'so I don't feel beholden' in the context of a committed long term relationship when the context is that their own mother had the audacity to speak up for them once, and the crime is helping you.. sheesh.

Something again where you should maybe reflect on what is going on in other people's heads when you act. I mean imagine trying to unpack that and you discover from your mum "oh marchella was telling me all the things that make you a scumbag and one time I said that isn't true"

CatSpeakForDummies · 21/03/2023 08:20

It sounds like DH has chosen to marry a woman who reminds him of his mother - both petty, bad at communication and hold grudges (but will let him sponge off them in return for being able to nurture their grievances).

You have behaved ridiculously, you were trying to bitch about your DH to his own mother and it backfired. Grow up.

Dogstar78 · 21/03/2023 08:22

I think you have reacted a little too quickly. Are there other things that have led up to this that you haven't communicated to your partner about?

Your DH was trying to do the right thing. I am sure that bill was bothering you for him to do that. I do understand how you felt about this.

No matter how annoying my partner gets I never bad mouth him to his own parents.

When you returned the money, I would have called her and said 'thanks for helping at a difficult time'. It was nice to no longer worry about that bill. I wanted to make sure I pay you back.

We all do things in the heat of the moment. No point saying you should have done this or that. You can't be wrong and strong. Go back and apologise. This is not something to fall out over.

ChrisPPancake · 21/03/2023 08:22

You don't like owing money but you have 5 grand credit card debt? Hmm

Desertbarncat · 21/03/2023 08:22

You didn’t do anything wrong. Thinking a $5000 gift she gave him five years ago was evidence of him supporting you is ridiculous. Let them throw their tantrums to each other, they are just mad their plan backfired.

DeflatedAgain · 21/03/2023 08:23

Usually a reference is around 16 characters give or take?

If this is true as much as it is petty, it is quite funny as well 😉

FlyingCherries · 21/03/2023 08:24

This would have been equally convincing if you claimed to have written ‘done because we were too many’. It’s an 18 character limit btw

MILLYmo0se · 21/03/2023 08:25

Im hyper sensitive about being accused of lying or owing people money bit I cant understand your point here.
When he paid off your credit card you could have either paid him back over the last 5 years or everytime you had to 'support him financially' count it off against the 5 grand. Neither the norm in a healthy realtionship but neither is carrying a resentment for 5 yrs - unless he constantly brings it up, but you d have mentioned it in your post if he did.
Paying it back to your MIL is nonsensical, it wasnt her money, she gave it to her son, why did you give it to her? What she said was correct, you just dont like it and the big dramatic point you tried to make has fallen flat and created a big problem. The issues with yours and DHs finances are seperate and your resentment regarding them have nothing to do with this or MIL, and if its ok for you to talk about finances and DHs behaviour with money isnt it also ok for him to answer his mum if she asks what he did with the money? Id hate it but i wouldnt be talking to her about our finances either, you cant have it both ways.

Kefir · 21/03/2023 08:27

God! What a mess!

I'm not sure you can take the moral high ground over the money saying you don't like to be beholden when you had a 5k credit card debt! You didn't mind being beholden to the cc company!

I'd be grateful if my dh paid my cc debt off tbh. And the reference message was really quite aggressive.

Trainbear · 21/03/2023 08:29

Bearing a grudge for five years and throwing it in someone's face is not a pretty quality.
Some people are over quick to take offence. If I say I'll call you in the morning and ring at 1205 then am I a "liar" for not calling you before midday?
Perspective and gratitude.

Starseeking · 21/03/2023 08:31

Testina · 21/03/2023 07:35

I’m over invested of course, but would love for OP to screenshot a mock transfer, “to prove all of you bastards wrong because I’m actually very sensitive to being called a liar”, showing the bank.

Or just tell us the bank, someone here will have an account. I can do NatWest for you. If it’s Coutts or Hoare’s, we might need to tag Xenia though.

🤣🤣🤣

Coutts and NatWest are owned by the same parent company (RBS), so I'd be surprised if it wasn't identical. NatWest allows 18 characters, which includes spaces.

QueSyrahSyrah · 21/03/2023 08:32

No bank reference is that long, even if your real name is Al, not Marchella.

If the money was originally a gift from MIL to DH and he chose to pay off your c/card then why in gods name did you pay it back to her and not him?? And why if you had it sat there haven't you paid it back already? And why if you've always financially supported him did you feel you owed it to anyone??

I'm baffled honestly.

DappledThings · 21/03/2023 08:34

Not beholden 2 ne1

That makes 18 characters. Closest I can get to making the alleged reference fit! Would have caused more confusion that outrage.

Novatherova · 21/03/2023 08:49

I'd not be speaking to you too. Nasty and spiteful thing to do.

They where kind enough to pay your credit card off (understand you didn't ask them to.)

DrivingAllDay · 21/03/2023 08:52

Photo or it didn’t happen 😉

TortolaParadise · 21/03/2023 08:56

Yes, perhaps you went to far on this occasion.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 21/03/2023 08:59

I for one couldn’t comment without a lot more information from the OP about how they’ve got to this point.