Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paid back money but was wrong

245 replies

marchella · 21/03/2023 03:51

Hi
This is a very quick summary but basically my MIL gave some money to my DH as an advance on his "inheritance". I knew nothing about this until he paid off my credit card ( roughly 5000 pounds). I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.
That was about 5 years ago.
Recently I was talking to her about a completely different thing regarding her sons behaviour and mentioned that I have financially supported him for years.
SHe said " that is not true" and mentioned the unwanted money that my DH used to pay off my credit card.
I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.
So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".
They are now not speaking to me.
I think I've fucked up , but I have a thing about being called a liar , or taking money.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 10:16

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 10:10

Am I missing something? Op has had to financially support this man for years, she’s so frustrated by his behaviour. He sounds like a feckless twat.

It'd be interesting to know their actual situation. I don't know that a feckless twat would use that £5000 to pay off her debt.

I think it depends on the sum of the early inheritance?
It could have been 20 k, so a quarter used on a CC debt.
Did Mil know how much was being used to clear debts? Who knows what her son said to procure the money. It seems MIL thinks it was op’s fault they were in debt?

Its odd that he was so secretive about the money and it’s never been discussed between the three of them.

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 10:19

That's true @SmileyClare.
I initially thought it was just the £5000 that she'd given him but I've re-read and that's just what the OP's debt was.

The MIL is probably annoyed the money she gave him went on OP's debt and that's probably why she blames her, but it could have been discussed properly.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 21/03/2023 10:20

So you've known about this loan for 5 years, but never mentioned it to MiL, or made arrangements to pay it back until now?

MiL only stated the facts, & your bank reference phrase was totally unwarranted passive aggression.

As you did an immediate transfer as soon as you decided to take offence, you obviously had the money available to repay her. Why did you not bother to? Did you think MiL should just suck up your debt?

Your MiL is NOT in the wrong here - you are. Not only did you accept her cash & sit on it for 5 years without so much as a word of thanks, you're trying to paint yourself the aggrieved party. You sound like very hard work.

twanmever · 21/03/2023 10:20

Your narrative when delivered would be "so Marchella doesn" and you can't use an apostrophe. Of course it could be more if your name is Pat.

Max 18 characters, including spaces. It's the BACS rules that's the maximum.

Couldyounot · 21/03/2023 10:21

Come on now.

VaseWaterFlowers · 21/03/2023 10:24

Inheritance tax is a massive 40%. Gifts given more than 7 years prior to death don't count in that so an early gift is a huge tax saving.

It's the difference between being given £5,000 and just receiving £3,000 and paying £2,000 to the tax man. @marchella you don't say if that was the full gift and he used it all on your CC or whether it was partial.

Either way by paying it back you have cost yourself £2,000 minimum and ruined your MiL attempt to help her son.

It sounds as others have said that it is more important to you to maintain your "story" that you are martyred financial supporter of your feckless husband than it is to graciously accept a gift to her son. It wasn't a gift to you. It was to him and that's what he chose to do with it.

You need to have a think about why it is so important to you that you are the sole 'bailer out' of your DH and if you feel so strongly about that, why are you with him?

In terms of solving it, I think a big genuine apology is the first step and time. Imagine if it were you in MiL or DH position, I think you'd be royally pissed off too.

3peassuit · 21/03/2023 10:29

I regularly gift my daughter’s money against their inheritance. It makes sense financially. If they or their partners have debt, I would be happy for them to use the money to pay it down, carrying debt forward when the money is available is daft. Mil shouldn’t have brought it up but she did and your response was out of order. You don’t return a gift without causing offence.

ididntwanttodoit · 21/03/2023 10:39

YABVU. she gave the money to your husband, not to you. He did something nice for you with it. Now you've been horrid to both of them. Also, never never never complain to a MIL about her son. She did something nice. He did something nice. Everything you did here was wrong.

Beautiful3 · 21/03/2023 10:42

I think you handled that really badly. I'd ring up and apologise.

CaroleSinger · 21/03/2023 10:45

Why didn't you pay the money back as soon as you found out he paid your credit card if you had such an issue with it? Incidentally my partner wasn't allowed to pay off my credit card unless they spoke to both of us to confirm where the money was coming from. I'd also struggle to fit such a long passive aggressive reference in too.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/03/2023 10:46

Massive Flounce.

All this " I have a thing about being called a liar and owing money..."

Well he DID give you the money.

You don't have " a thing" about the actual. facts.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/03/2023 10:47

Massive apology called for.

HauntedPencil · 21/03/2023 10:56

What a weird pointless drama

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 10:56

Inheritance tax is a massive 40%. Gifts given 7 years or more prior to death dont count

Does that mean if a parent gifted their child 50k and then died a couple of years later, the recipient is liable to pay 20k back in inheritance tax?

DanceMonster · 21/03/2023 10:58

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 10:56

Inheritance tax is a massive 40%. Gifts given 7 years or more prior to death dont count

Does that mean if a parent gifted their child 50k and then died a couple of years later, the recipient is liable to pay 20k back in inheritance tax?

No. Firstly it’s a sliding scale, so the amount of tax will reduce throughout the 7 years. Secondly it’s the estate that’s subject to inheritance tax, not the recipient of the gift. So the £50k they gave to their child will still be considered part of their estate, and their estate will be taxed accordingly.

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 11:04

Right that makes sense DanceMonster
Presumably in place to stop people evading inheritance tax entirely by siphoning off most of their assets as gifts.

DanceMonster · 21/03/2023 11:08

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 11:04

Right that makes sense DanceMonster
Presumably in place to stop people evading inheritance tax entirely by siphoning off most of their assets as gifts.

Yes that’s exactly it.

Viviennemary · 21/03/2023 11:11

Youare the one in the wrong here. You took 5 years to pay something back to your mil and have the nerve to imply her son is a freeloader.

Mumuser124 · 21/03/2023 11:12

So basically you were having a moan about your husband, your mother pointed out something nice he had done in supporting you and you then took it spin yourself to prove everybody that your husband is till a waste of space?!

You effectively had a strop and returned the mo ey so you could be right about your terrible husband and the fact he has done nothing for you instead of acknowledging that yes, he had done something kind for you before.

Honestly I think you behaved like a spoilt child who has to be right. You have definitely not shown yourself I a good light here.

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 21/03/2023 11:12

Bank payment refs have 18 character limit.

What did you really write?

Mumuser124 · 21/03/2023 11:13

Sorry mother in law

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/03/2023 11:16

Very OTT and I'm not surprised it's all caused an issue.

MIL is rude for bringing it up and it should be none of her business, but she isn't wrong. You can't really claim to be financially supporting someone when it is them that paid off your credit card debt to the tune of 5k. I can't see how she's accused you of lying there. It may well be the case that like most couples you support each other and it's a joined finances household and therefore you also contribute a lot to that (more even) but the point still stands.

If you didn't want him to have paid it off you could have transferred it back at the time, there wasn't really ever a need to make a scene about it. Just a conversation about why you don't want it and return the money to him.

I'd suck this one up OP, explain you have personal issues around money and felt embarrassed at her comment so acted on the moment with the wording on the transfer. Don't let it be the hill you die on.

Lycanthropology · 21/03/2023 11:19

Blimey what a ridiculous way to behave. I’m not surprised they’re not talking to you. Your DH paid off your bill, not your MIL.

And “That’s not true” ≠ “You’re a liar”; it could mean she thinks you’re mistaken, or that she has a different take on things.

You really need to apologise.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/03/2023 11:27

Yes, you fucked up. There was absolutely no need to put what you wrote as the reference, you MUST have known that would stir up ill feeling. It was so passive aggressive and if you had done that to me it would have changed the way I felt about you from that point onwards.

I also don't believe for one minute that you hate taking money off people or owing. Otherwise you would have paid her back at the time, even over a period of time if you couldn't have afforded it in one go, not left it 5 years.

Your MIL is right. You HAVEN'T wholly supported him financially him for years if he paid off a credit card in your name, no matter where the money came from. However, and this is a massive caveat, you haven't gone into details about why there was so much money owing on the credit card and why it was in your name. For all we know, your husband is a waster and you took out the credit card to cover a joint bill, or because he gambled money away, in which case if I were you I would have set the record straight with MIL and let her know about all your financial difficulties caused by him. It would still be fair enough to acknowledge to her, though, that SHE gave money towards the credit card debt and be gracious about it. Did you not thank her at the time and discuss paying back? So without the context of the credit card debt or your husband's behaviour with money we have no idea what to write in our responses.

Chowtime · 21/03/2023 11:35

Well you are a liar aren't you? Because you've lied about what you put as the reference - we all know you can't put a reference that big into a banking reference box.

Assuming the rest of it is true, then yes, you've fucked up. Big time.