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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Paid back money but was wrong

245 replies

marchella · 21/03/2023 03:51

Hi
This is a very quick summary but basically my MIL gave some money to my DH as an advance on his "inheritance". I knew nothing about this until he paid off my credit card ( roughly 5000 pounds). I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.
That was about 5 years ago.
Recently I was talking to her about a completely different thing regarding her sons behaviour and mentioned that I have financially supported him for years.
SHe said " that is not true" and mentioned the unwanted money that my DH used to pay off my credit card.
I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.
So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".
They are now not speaking to me.
I think I've fucked up , but I have a thing about being called a liar , or taking money.

OP posts:
Xarrie · 21/03/2023 07:32

How much?

RudsyFarmer · 21/03/2023 07:32

I’m standing here chuckling. Good for you.

DappledThings · 21/03/2023 07:34

But you weren't beholden to anyone in the first place, it was a gift.

Testina · 21/03/2023 07:35

I’m over invested of course, but would love for OP to screenshot a mock transfer, “to prove all of you bastards wrong because I’m actually very sensitive to being called a liar”, showing the bank.

Or just tell us the bank, someone here will have an account. I can do NatWest for you. If it’s Coutts or Hoare’s, we might need to tag Xenia though.

Redebs · 21/03/2023 07:36

How do you 'casually mention' that you think you are 'financially supporting' your HUSBAND?

What a twisted way of looking at it! You're married, not in a business partnership!

Your husband decided to get you out of debt and end the interest payments to the credit card company and you behave like a total bully, shaming him and his mother. He could have spent the money on himself, but was thoughtful and responsible.

You use money to boost your esteem, even when it's the credit card company's money. You are prepared to put your elevated sense of dignity above two people who mean you well.

And how did you suddenly come up with £5000 for your mother-in-law? Another debt?

rwalker · 21/03/2023 07:37

Yeah you fuck up
your reactions and responses seem very extreme
the term super sensitive you’ve twisted something into your own version of events

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/03/2023 07:39

ReneBumsWombats · 21/03/2023 07:14

In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".

You fitted all that into that section?

Which bank is it?

The fake kind Wink

maddy68 · 21/03/2023 07:39

You're mad. ...she wants to give it to her children while she is alive it makes sense too as it dodges inheritance tax and also it may all be taken in care fees further down the line.

That was a gift from her to her son. Not to you. He chose to pay off debts

What a massive over reaction you are causing unnecessary trouble.
It was a gift from a mother to a son. Making him write that comment is abusive and controlling

inappropriateraspberry · 21/03/2023 07:46

This situation is just weird. What MIL gives to your husband is not really anything to do with you. When he paid off your credit card did he expect you to pay him back? Surely as a married couple it's beneficial to him for you not to have that debt?
MIL money was a gift, yes? So no expectations from her for it to be paid back either.
YABU - overly sensitive and why are you competing against your MIL about who 'supports' your husband? Does he not have his own income? Weird.

Crumpetdisappointment · 21/03/2023 07:50

why are you telling her you have been supporting her ds? your dh

not a nice conversation.
and not a nice way to behave, fair enough to pay her back but your comment about being beholden is so very unnecessary and unfriendly

Crumpetdisappointment · 21/03/2023 07:51

i think you fucked up @marchella

Quveas · 21/03/2023 07:51

You seem very self-centred and controlling. So what if you earn more than your husband? I think you have bigger problems than that they aren't talking to you right now.

BellePeppa · 21/03/2023 07:54

If you don’t like taking money or being ‘beholden’ why did you have an outstanding credit card of £5k? Surely you’re the type of person that would pay the outstanding balance straight away so wouldn’t rack up a debt?🤷‍♀️ why were you angry your dh paid it off (I’d be thrilled). If he won the lottery would you not want him to help you out if had debt? Inheritance/lottery no real difference.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 21/03/2023 07:57

For everyone saying the reference doesn’t fit I have checked mine and it would fit

ArdeteiMasazxu · 21/03/2023 07:57

It's weird to have this kind of attitude when you are married. The whole point of marriage is that two people's earning power and resources being pooled together as a partnership is more stable than each individual being self-reliant.

If you wanted to be fully independent you should never have married, and should untangle your finances and divorce as soon as possible. You can keep the actual relationship going if you wish, but as two individuals unbeholden to one another.

Within a marriage, it's supposed to be a partnership. Sometimes one individual is bringing in more finances than the other, sometimes its the other way around, and both people work for the good of the partnership and often whoever is doing less by way of bringing in finances from outside is doing more in terms of household tasks, but in theory as you love one another neither of you is being taken advantage of, and it all balances out. Any debts are likewise shared (and neither party should incur serious debt without the other's agreement). If it's not like this then your marriage is in trouble anyway, obviously.

In such a context no one is beholden to anyone and if an inheritance is recieved it is the property of the partnership and isn't owed to anyone. It wasn't a debt, it was a gift, and it was weird to refuse it in the way you did. The credit card debt obviously was a debt, and there was capital available to repay it, and it was sensible to repay it.

An entirely separate issue would be if your MIL was trying to use the fact of this financial transfer to be in any way controlling of you and DH's decisions but that would be a derail. However if she wasn't trying to control you then it's perfectly normal for parents of adult children to make large lum-sum gifts as part of planning for inheritance tax (if you make a lump sum gift and then manage to survive a further 7 years then that lump sum doesn't get counted for inheritance tax, assuming you are in the UK).

Oldnproud · 21/03/2023 07:58

Nothing whatsoever to do with what's just happened, I know, but I can't help imagining the scenario that might have led to the money being given in the first place, especially if the £5000 was the exact sum given by mil to her son, which admittedly we don't actually know: 5 years ago: DH mentioned in conversation with his mum (both wives and husbands do sometimes confide in a parent, it's not that unusual) that he was worried about his wife's debt. Mil, with their best interests at heart, offered to solve that problem, and transferred that money to her son so that he could pay off the debt. Problem solved ... or so they thought.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 21/03/2023 07:58

finalwhistle · 21/03/2023 07:31

None of them.

mine does

BellePeppa · 21/03/2023 08:00

DaisyBoop · 21/03/2023 07:12

Bollocks. You wouldn’t even have that many characters to write that. Nice try though OP 😆

Maybe but why would someone make up something as pointless as this (I’m sure people do but why?🤷‍♀️).

Richhandcream · 21/03/2023 08:02

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 21/03/2023 07:57

For everyone saying the reference doesn’t fit I have checked mine and it would fit

Which bank do you use?

HurdyGurdy19 · 21/03/2023 08:02

Did you run up the credit card debt in the course of financially supporting your husband? Was it going on household bills, food shopping etc? Maybe that's why he chose to pay your credit card bill. Did he discuss this with you, or just go ahead and pay it?

Why were you financially supporting him? Was it because you are a high earner and he earns much less than you? Or is/was he a student, studying to improve his career prospects? Or is he disabled and unable to work?

I agree with previous posters that your mother in law has done nothing wrong. She didn't accuse you of lying. However, I don't think it was wise for your husband to tell his mother what he did with his gift, nor was it wise for you to be grumbling about your husband to her.

If you want to maintain any kind of relationship with your in laws, I think you need to be making a sincere apology.

Starseeking · 21/03/2023 08:02

I'm not surprised they are not speaking to you; the reference you put was unnecessarily rude.

You could have said something like return of borrowed money or something instead of escalating like that. You should apologise.

And I also agree with don't criticise your DH to your MIL again, she will always defend him; it's her natural instinct.

harriethoyle · 21/03/2023 08:03

For some reason "so Marchella doesn't feel beholden" is giving me real Tess of the D'urbevilles vibes... "because we are to menny" which is making me snort laughing...

harriethoyle · 21/03/2023 08:03

Do I mean Jude the Obscure? I can't remember...

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 08:03

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 21/03/2023 07:57

For everyone saying the reference doesn’t fit I have checked mine and it would fit

Thank you for your service Grin

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 08:07

Testina · 21/03/2023 07:11

“In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".”

I need to switch to your back… I can’t add for than “for cinema ticke” 🤣

I think that this message was really rude of you.

My sister used to send me money for 'cocaine' when I was buying presents and we were splitting the cost. She told me it was because 'nefarious dealings' didn't fit and she thought that'd be funny,

I'm glad we stopped buying shared gifts long before I made a mortgage application Grin