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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paid back money but was wrong

245 replies

marchella · 21/03/2023 03:51

Hi
This is a very quick summary but basically my MIL gave some money to my DH as an advance on his "inheritance". I knew nothing about this until he paid off my credit card ( roughly 5000 pounds). I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.
That was about 5 years ago.
Recently I was talking to her about a completely different thing regarding her sons behaviour and mentioned that I have financially supported him for years.
SHe said " that is not true" and mentioned the unwanted money that my DH used to pay off my credit card.
I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.
So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".
They are now not speaking to me.
I think I've fucked up , but I have a thing about being called a liar , or taking money.

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 06:52

What response did you expect?

DanceMonster · 21/03/2023 06:57

Using that payment reference was bound to lead to a fall out though wasn’t it; you knew that was the most likely outcome when you did it, so I don’t think you can now say that them not talking to you is a big surprise. Not saying you were right or wrong to do it, but you knew what the likely outcome was and you went ahead.
You say you don’t like owing people money or being called a liar… was your husband or your MIL expecting the money back that was used to pay off your credit card? If not, you didn’t owe anyone anything, it was a gift.
I don’t see where you were called a liar either, MIL made a factually true statement that your husband had paid off some of your credit card.
The fact that you were talking to her about your husband’s lack of contribution to the marriage on the first place indicates there were already significant issues at play here. I wouldn’t dream of moaning about my DH to his mother, she’s always going to defend him.
At least it’s all out in the open now and you can discuss it and hopefully resolve it (or not, and end the marriage).

SpringIntoChaos · 21/03/2023 06:57

But...she wasn't calling you a liar, was she??? Ffs grow up!! I'm rarely Team MIL but in this instance I definitely am! You are behaving like a manipulative, petulant child.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/03/2023 06:58

It was a gift, you didn't "owe" her anything. If you felt that strongly you should have repaid your husband. You've been very rude to her and owe her an apology.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 21/03/2023 07:03

She probably gave it to your son early for inheritance tax purposes and now you giving it back has messed that up.

you clearly complain about financially supporting your husband so when he came in to money he chose to help repay you for that a bit. Complaining to you mil does seems mean and unnecessary.

DanceMonster · 21/03/2023 07:04

One question… as you had the £5k available to pay MIL back and you hate being ‘beholden’ to people, why hadn’t you already paid her back?

ShapesAndNumbers · 21/03/2023 07:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 21/03/2023 07:09

You said you had to support her son and she rightly brought up the fact that she had given a substantial sum of money which was his. He’d helped you whether you liked it or not. I don’t get what she said that was incorrect? Also I disagree that her bringing it up shows she holds a grudge about it. She brought it up as it was relevant to the conversation.

It sounds odd to me that you’re talking about his behaviour to her like he’s a child. It doesn’t sound a healthy relationship. Also it’s natural she’s going to be loyal to her son.

Testina · 21/03/2023 07:11

“In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".”

I need to switch to your back… I can’t add for than “for cinema ticke” 🤣

I think that this message was really rude of you.

takeawayandwine · 21/03/2023 07:12

There must be more to this story?
If you've financially supported your husband and he used some of his inheritance to pay off your credit card, surely that's a nice thing and a way of him saying 'thank you?' As it was a surprise, it must have been a gift so you didn't 'owe' it to him?

Seems to be lots of resentment going on here so I'm sure there must be way more to the story!

DaisyBoop · 21/03/2023 07:12

Bollocks. You wouldn’t even have that many characters to write that. Nice try though OP 😆

WaltzingWaters · 21/03/2023 07:13

Your MIL isn’t the best audience for complaining about your DH.
Don't know the ins and outs of the situation but it sounds as if your DH was trying to do something nice back then. There was certainly no need for the bank reference you put.

Testina · 21/03/2023 07:14

“I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.”

Grand words, but 5 years ago you happily took her money so 🤷🏻‍♀️

ReneBumsWombats · 21/03/2023 07:14

In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".

You fitted all that into that section?

Which bank is it?

Testina · 21/03/2023 07:15

DaisyBoop · 21/03/2023 07:12

Bollocks. You wouldn’t even have that many characters to write that. Nice try though OP 😆

I alluded to the same, but kudos to you for just calling it 🤣

Auliza · 21/03/2023 07:18

I’d be pretty upset too if my DH thought it appropriate to be so passive aggressive to my mother, who was just trying to help out by giving you both some early inheritance 🤔.

Granted she didn’t need to bring up but you are in the wrong OP.

Cosyblankets · 21/03/2023 07:19

I couldn't write that as a reference either. I can just about write plumber or holiday etc

Hayliebells · 21/03/2023 07:20

Yes you did the wrong thing sending the money back to your MIL with a pissy note. If anything you should have just given it back to your DH, it was his money. He was unreasonable telling MIL he used to money to pay off your credit card, but two wrongs don't make a right. If I was MIL, I'd be less than impressed with your lack of generosity, you did benefit from their money. You don't like being "beholden", which is understandable, but the time to address that was then, by refusing the gift from your husband and giving it back to him.

Crazyinlove123 · 21/03/2023 07:21

Apart from the fact that I would be grateful for DH paying off my debt, I don’t buy that you can put a reference that long when transferring money.

Clioma · 21/03/2023 07:29

I was about to say I wouldn't be speaking to you either but just tried a reference like that with my bank. Not possible. So what the real story?

TheChosenTwo · 21/03/2023 07:30

I can’t understand why the money went back to your mil, she had given the money to your dh so in any case it should have gone back to him.
The reference was petty and rude, I’m not surprised she’s not talking to you.
Did he pay your credit card off without your knowledge? How?

Richhandcream · 21/03/2023 07:30

I do not believe you were able to fit that statement into the box for a reference. My bank gives about 15 characters for that. I can't fit my full name in it.
Your MIL was right, she was just stating a fact.
The £5k to pay off your debt wasn't from her, it was from your DH. It was his money. Hopefully she'll give it back to him.
You've been ridiculous and the saying about cutting off your nose springs to mind.

Butchyrestingface · 21/03/2023 07:31

So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".

What bank are you with that lets you write War and Peace in the reference no section? Confused

Anyway, surely someone who hates feeling beholden even to their nearest and dearest would have long paid off to the debt to their husband? So why are you here paying it off TWICE?

finalwhistle · 21/03/2023 07:31

knittingaddict · 21/03/2023 06:36

Yes, which bank allows a reference that long?

None of them.

Nimbostratus100 · 21/03/2023 07:32

This is so silly, you say you have been financially supporting him and its all been one way, when that is clearly not true, and you say you are no longer "beholden" but what about the interest? Unless you paid her double what you were gifted, you still are benefiting by thousands.

I would apologise, but don't expect the money back

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