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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paid back money but was wrong

245 replies

marchella · 21/03/2023 03:51

Hi
This is a very quick summary but basically my MIL gave some money to my DH as an advance on his "inheritance". I knew nothing about this until he paid off my credit card ( roughly 5000 pounds). I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.
That was about 5 years ago.
Recently I was talking to her about a completely different thing regarding her sons behaviour and mentioned that I have financially supported him for years.
SHe said " that is not true" and mentioned the unwanted money that my DH used to pay off my credit card.
I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.
So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".
They are now not speaking to me.
I think I've fucked up , but I have a thing about being called a liar , or taking money.

OP posts:
fishydelishy · 21/03/2023 09:01

My ex was a bit of a shit, never helping around the house, taking the mick whilst I financially supported him. I was always looked down on by my MIL despite paying for everything and allowing us to have the nice house. She never would take my side against her son ... not until I left and he moved back in with her. All of a sudden I was the bees knees and she was pushing for him to "win me back"

You might be proud of being financially strong- it just highlights how shit he is in comparison

Merryoldgoat · 21/03/2023 09:02

I’m just here to say that’s way to long for a bank reference.

Testina · 21/03/2023 09:03

FlyingCherries · 21/03/2023 08:24

This would have been equally convincing if you claimed to have written ‘done because we were too many’. It’s an 18 character limit btw

Oh that’s the first time I remember crying at a book!

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2023 09:05

Just here for proof of the character limit at OP’s bank. I’m well jel.

Tessasanderson · 21/03/2023 09:06

Wow, how to turn something nice into something toxic. From all parties perspective.

MIL does something nice and gives her son some money
DH does something nice and pays off his DW credit card

In the grand scheme of things 99% of people would say this is all lovely. But somehow, i suspect down to communication, you have taken offense, MIL has taken offence and DH is now upset.

Hardbackwriter · 21/03/2023 09:09

Starseeking · 21/03/2023 08:31

🤣🤣🤣

Coutts and NatWest are owned by the same parent company (RBS), so I'd be surprised if it wasn't identical. NatWest allows 18 characters, which includes spaces.

Show quote history

My bank allows me to put it a longer reference but only for my own use - the recipient can't see it. Is it possible (a bit hilarious if so) that this is what OP has done...?

Murdoch1949 · 21/03/2023 09:21

But it was your husband's money, he paid off your credit card, not your MIL. Your issue should have been with him, 5 years ago. Your MIL did a nice thing giving him part of his inheritance early. It was his to do what he wanted with, he chose to clear one of your debts. I can understand your MIL being offended. You've known about it for 5 years, as well. Why are you telling your MIL that you financially support your husband, that's private and quite dismissive towards him. He should be offended about that, and your MIL was obviously annoyed by it.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 21/03/2023 09:22

Aposterhasnoname · 21/03/2023 06:00

So you were slagging her son off to her, threw her very generous gift back in her face, and gave her some passive aggressive attitude to boot.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be speaking to you either.

Definitely, agreed with all of this.

Not read whole thread but bet OP has a huge drip feed about things now…

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 21/03/2023 09:27

test

BadNomad · 21/03/2023 09:29

You're not making the point you think you are. If you wanted to pay someone back, it should have been DH. It was his money that paid off your debt.

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 09:33

Sounds like your dh is lying to you both.

Hes sponging off you and then it sounds like he asked his mum for early inheritance using the excuse that YOU had racked up a credit card bill.
…conveniently omitting that you could have cleared that debt ages ago if you weren’t financially supporting him.

How much did he receive as early inheritance? I imagine it was far more than £5000 .
Hes mugged you off and unfortunately mothers often won’t hear a word against their sons.

Namechangethisonetime · 21/03/2023 09:35

Hardbackwriter · 21/03/2023 05:31

In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".

Well that was nasty and petty - yes you did fuck up! The whole situation sounds complicated and perhaps it's gone beyond the point of apologies but I do think you owe one.

This.

You are so far out of line, you can’t even see the line.

I wouldn’t be holding my breath on your mil forgiving you anytime soon…

Bunce1 · 21/03/2023 09:39

god that’s awful, you have behaved appallingly.

Zebedee55 · 21/03/2023 09:41

If you were my DIL, I would be well hacked off with you. She gave your DH money to pay a debt, hasn't asked for it back, and then you throw a strop?

I'd buy some flowers, go round there and apologise, and hope she's got a forgiving nature.

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 09:45

I understand why you’re angry.

MIL clearly doesn’t want to believe that you’ve been supporting her son financially for years.
She seems to believe that her poor son had to ask for help to clear off your debts.

She probably has the impression that you’re the one who’s irresponsible with money!

He’s made you look bad. Be angry with him- he’s played you and his mum off each other in my view.

DysonBison · 21/03/2023 09:48

I guess it's one way of looking at the Mastercard ad.

Magical memories that last forever = priceless
Making a Point to your MIL = £5000.00

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 21/03/2023 09:53

My DB is helped out financially for cash flow reasons by DM as he’s self employed. He always pays it back.

If SIL got involved (she wouldn’t) and was as rude as OP has been then my DB and DM probably wouldn’t speak to her either.

You really need to have tact and kindness if you’re speaking about family financial issues.

bellswithwhistles · 21/03/2023 09:55

Your MIL is kind enough to give her son part of his inheritance, he kindly pays off your credit card and you get pissed off and 5 years down the line pull that stunt? I’d not be speaking to you either.

This with bells on. I'd be thinking what a bitch.

You were definitely bang out of order.

VictorStrand · 21/03/2023 09:58

I'm loving the Hardy references and the PP asking how OP got here. It made me think of those films with 'record scratch ... I bet you're wondering how I got here ... well, firstly I chose a bank with an absurdly long payment reference section in case I'd ever need to make a passive aggressive point in the future ...' Grin

Lucia36 · 21/03/2023 10:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tourmalines · 21/03/2023 10:03

Your husband received some money from his DM as an early inheritance gift. He knew you had racked up a 5000 pound debt on your credit card so he thought he would do a sensible thing and pay it off. You were not happy because you hate “owing” money. Well let me explain ,that a monetary gift is that, a gift, and it does not “need” to be repaid . It is not a loan. You should have found it very thoughtful and kind. You were slagging off her son about finances and how you have supported him , so what do you think anyone in her position would feel . She never called you a liar, she said it’s not true that you’re the only one contributing to finances and that’s why she mentioned the 5000. She had every right to mention it. Get off your high horse. Your reaction and actions regarding paying back the LOAN, as you call it , is disgusting. You have shoved a kind gift to her son, which is also to you, up her arse . You are mean. I wouldn’t talk to you either .

Brokendaughter · 21/03/2023 10:06

So, your MIL said she gave him some money too.
You remembered that you had let him pay off your 5000 credit card with that money & it hadn't bothered you enough to do anything about it for years.

Suddenly you decided to pay it back with a FUCK YOU message when she never actually tried to pay off your credit card in the first place, just gave her own son some money which means she too has supported him (maybe not as much as you, but she has).

No wonder nobody is talking to you.

You have acted like a brat.

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 10:08

He kindly pays off your credit card

Am I missing something? Op has had to financially support this man for years, she’s so frustrated by his behaviour. He sounds like a feckless twat.

Yes he used some of his secret inheritance to pay off a credit card in his wife’s name.
If op wasn’t propping him up all the time she could have easily cleared it herself!

He probably asked his mum for money on the pretext that his reckless wife had run up debts.

Now at the end of her tether with his behaviour and having to support him, she confides in mil.
Mil says none of its true, she is the one who has supported you with her generous inheritance gift.
Id be so pissed off op.
Not so much with mil, as clearly she doesn’t know how much her son is taking the piss out if you.

DysonBison · 21/03/2023 10:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ah, Mr Bohdan. Glad to see Johnnie's found a back-up plan now the jaunty cardigans aren't selling so well.

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 10:10

Am I missing something? Op has had to financially support this man for years, she’s so frustrated by his behaviour. He sounds like a feckless twat.

It'd be interesting to know their actual situation. I don't know that a feckless twat would use that £5000 to pay off her debt.

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