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Original poster

Partner cheated. SAHM. No Pension. Not Married

182 replies

Russo · 20/03/2023 07:39

Just after some advice really.

Reality has hit. Financially I’m in a crap position.

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 9 years. My partner runs his own business so I’m terms of pension (in my 30s) the plan was when the business makes more we would invest the money. I’m not married . We have two kids primary school age.

we have a house and a mortgage on it. My name is on the mortgage too.

he pays majority of bills.

I'm after advice . Where do I stand? How do I start saving for a pension? I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket.

the car I drive is under his name and he pays for it. He won’t see me without a car because he needs me to do the school runs.

I don’t want to sell the house because it would mean disruption to the kids lives.

Financially we are stronger as long as we live in the house together and work together but I’m not interested in a relationship.

reality has hit in terms of me being in a stupid financial situation.

I ask you please not to judge. I’m quite fragile.

and no I don’t want to work on the relationship. He did the same thing when I was pregnant with my first child.

I don’t want to waste the energy on repairing the relationship. I just need to grow the fudge up and accept this is him and that I need to be independent from him,

just not in a way it will affect the kids.

thank you in advance x

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/03/2023 07:41

If you are employed by the business, aren't you in a work place pension?

isthewashingdryyet · 20/03/2023 07:43

And you do get the child benefit paid to you, in your name, for the NI contributions to the state pension, don’t you ?

you have been rather foolish so far, so time to stop being foolish and get wise.

Get a proper job, away from your husband business as staying there will be come intolerable

and then move out

Mitsahne · 20/03/2023 07:44

I don't think staying separated in the same house is going to work in the long run. What if he starts seeing some and brings her back? It would be very confusing for the children. If your name is on the deeds you're better off selling and starting again.

Badbudgeter · 20/03/2023 07:46

It will affect the kids realistically. It’s horrible living with an ex around kids as the atmosphere is unpleasant. Financially it will be tough to run two households. I’d run a benefits check to see what you could be entitled to based on your part time salary. How much equity is in the house could he raise funds to buy you out? Consider shared ownership schemes locally.

I think once you have all the information it will free up your ability to make choices.

LolaSmiles · 20/03/2023 07:49

If you are employed through a business you should have been put into a workplace pension.

Unless you can afford to buy him out, the house is going to need to be sold so you can both have a clean break and some clear separation for the children.

If he's happy to keep the car going for now then take him up on that whilst you get other ducks in a row. Longer term you want to be free from that.

Start looking for a new job with more hours to be more independent from your soon to be ex.

He should be paying maintenance, but MN shows lots of men who are self employed can be quite good at avoiding their responsibilities in this area. He's obviously a terrible partner, but you think he would be a decent dad and pay his fair contributions for maintenance?

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/03/2023 07:50

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/03/2023 07:41

If you are employed by the business, aren't you in a work place pension?

This. You must have one surely?

I suggest you start prioritising your own financial future above being the default parent and above keeping everything unchanged for the children. Your other half can start doing drop offs/pick ups (50% of them at least) and you would be wise to look for another job separate from his.

gogohmm · 20/03/2023 07:55

I'll be honest, you need to assume that apart from 50% of the house equity (you will need to sell) you will only have what you can negotiate.

Starting point is keep it amicable because you'll get more. Get your cv up to date and start looking for work, it's important you are independent of the shared business. At that point you can then split, sell the house and re start your life. He can choose to give you a car, shares in the business etc but understand he doesn't have to hence you needing to keep him sweet! Important that you are ready to react as you saying you can coparent but don't want a relationship may not be compatible with him

ShapesAndNumbers · 20/03/2023 07:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GrazingSheep · 20/03/2023 07:59

I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket.
the car I drive is under his name and he pays for it. He won’t see me without a car because he needs me to do the school runs.

Don’t depend on either of those.
Start looking for full time work.

rosie1959 · 20/03/2023 08:02

The OP wouldn’t necessarily be in the workplace pension scheme depends on her salary incomes of less than 10k per annum do not have to be included.

Snoken · 20/03/2023 08:05

You need a proper break and you need to stand on your own two feet now. Don't assume he will keep you part time in his business, don't assume he will keep paying for your car. Assume he will have the kids 50% and you will not get CM, assume you have to sell the house and use your part of the equity to secure another place (for that you need a full time salary), assume he is not going to be helping you out financially because he does not have to. Anything you get above the minimum would be a bonus, but it's not a guarantee.

N27 · 20/03/2023 08:06

first step is to arrange a free 30 minute consultation.

you need to shift your perspective to focus on eventually being 100% financially independent from him, no car, no part time work, no nothing.

start looking at online calculators to check what your financial situation would be if/when you fully split, including:

  • your pt wages (until you find a diff job)
  • child benefit
  • entitlement to universal credit
  • child maintenance from your ex

from this you can work out whether you can afford to run the house by yourself or if you’d be better off selling and getting somewhere yourself. I would say having something small that is 100% yours is far better than sharing 50% of a better house with a cheat x

Deathbyfluffy · 20/03/2023 08:08

gogohmm · 20/03/2023 07:55

I'll be honest, you need to assume that apart from 50% of the house equity (you will need to sell) you will only have what you can negotiate.

Starting point is keep it amicable because you'll get more. Get your cv up to date and start looking for work, it's important you are independent of the shared business. At that point you can then split, sell the house and re start your life. He can choose to give you a car, shares in the business etc but understand he doesn't have to hence you needing to keep him sweet! Important that you are ready to react as you saying you can coparent but don't want a relationship may not be compatible with him

I don’t really think ‘be nice to him to get more money’ is a particularly good moral standpoint - have some self-respect and work it all out without bribing him with smiles and hugs.

House is the big one, OP - negotiate a split, but remember that as you’re not married it’s all a negotiation.
Going in too nice will make you appear weak; you need to put together what you feel is a reasonable offer and then negotiate from there.

You probably won’t get 50% of the house (even if your name is on it) if he’s paid all of the mortgage so far, but you’ll be able to argue that you’re entitled to a fairly decent chunk regardless (and that it’d be best for your DC if he can help set you up in a new home).

RosesAndHellebores · 20/03/2023 08:19

The silver lining is that you are in your 30s.

You need to separate, you need proper legal advice and you need to put clear, blue water between him and you for the sake of the children.

You need to start living independently from him except for what he has legally to pay in relation to his children.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 20/03/2023 08:31

This won’t help the OP, people will be here with sound financial advice, but this right here is why we recommend marriage on here. Not weddings, not fancy Instagram nonsense, legal marriage. It protects you. The OP is now totally at the mercy of any goodwill from this man. I’m really sorry.

MuddyFeet01 · 20/03/2023 08:35

I don’t think it’s realistic to think you can stay in the same house but separated for any length of time. The kids will adapt if you have to move (did it myself.)

Sartre · 20/03/2023 08:37

Best situation is to sell the house, split the proceeds, get a new house with it and get a new job. I wouldn’t continue working with him personally, you need a clean break.

Original poster
Russo · 20/03/2023 08:38

thank you for your responses. I’ve taken note.

I was of the understanding that I’m in a half decent position having found this

www.stephens-scown.co.uk/family/financial-provision-for-children-the-under-used-rights-of-the-unmarried-mother/

am I to assume this info is incorrect then?

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 20/03/2023 08:40

It isn't realistic to stay in the same house when separated. The best version of that is that you sell quickly so living in the same space is very short.I bought a house from a couple who had done what you plan. He worked nights and she worked days so they didnt have to spend any time together. The house was really grubby because neither wanted to clean as it benefitted the estranged partner. They had gone back to post it notes and ownership labels on food in the fridge. Good luck Op.

knittingaddict · 20/03/2023 08:41

I would try to get your head around the fact that the house will be sold and equity split 50/50 (assuming a standard split in the deeds). Even married couples generally have to sell these days when they split up.

knittingaddict · 20/03/2023 08:44

Russo · 20/03/2023 08:38

thank you for your responses. I’ve taken note.

I was of the understanding that I’m in a half decent position having found this

www.stephens-scown.co.uk/family/financial-provision-for-children-the-under-used-rights-of-the-unmarried-mother/

am I to assume this info is incorrect then?

Unless a very very high income is involved then I think that link is pie in the sky. I certainly wouldn't pin any hopes on it.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 20/03/2023 08:45

Does the business pay you properly - with state pension contributions and a pay slip? Or cash in hand or through a shady channel which means you're not even paying into your state pension?

If the second then looking for an official job with a well established company who do everything above board and ideally have a company pension would be the priority, along with making an appointment with a good divorce solicitor and of course not signing anything over to him without your own independent legal advice IMO.

Small steps - after that you can work out what to do next but will be in a stronger position independence wise and pension wise.

bellabasset · 20/03/2023 08:45

@isthewashingdryyet
OP isn't married to her dcs' father which makes a difference in her situation.

You need to get legal advice even if just a 30 min consultation. You share your dcs so if he is a caring df he will want to ensure that the dcs have a comfortable home. You have contributed to his business in that you've provided childcare resulting in a loss of income. I agree that being on civil terms for the sake of the dcs is the best way forward

Icecrown · 20/03/2023 08:46

isthewashingdryyet · 20/03/2023 07:43

And you do get the child benefit paid to you, in your name, for the NI contributions to the state pension, don’t you ?

you have been rather foolish so far, so time to stop being foolish and get wise.

Get a proper job, away from your husband business as staying there will be come intolerable

and then move out

The whole point of the OP is that he is her boyfriend not her husband.

TheaBrandt · 20/03/2023 08:49

All of that is right op but you will have to fight through the courts to enforce those rights - if you were married you would have them. That’s the difference. Would hate for women in the same position as you to think “oh being unmarried and reliant is all ok then”