Partner cheated. SAHM. No Pension. Not Married

[Russo]

Just after some advice really.

Reality has hit. Financially I’m in a crap position.

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 9 years. My partner runs his own business so I’m terms of pension (in my 30s) the plan was when the business makes more we would invest the money. I’m not married . We have two kids primary school age.

we have a house and a mortgage on it. My name is on the mortgage too.

he pays majority of bills.

I'm after advice . Where do I stand? How do I start saving for a pension? I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket.

the car I drive is under his name and he pays for it. He won’t see me without a car because he needs me to do the school runs.

I don’t want to sell the house because it would mean disruption to the kids lives.

Financially we are stronger as long as we live in the house together and work together but I’m not interested in a relationship.

reality has hit in terms of me being in a stupid financial situation.

I ask you please not to judge. I’m quite fragile.

and no I don’t want to work on the relationship. He did the same thing when I was pregnant with my first child.

I don’t want to waste the energy on repairing the relationship. I just need to grow the fudge up and accept this is him and that I need to be independent from him,

just not in a way it will affect the kids.

thank you in advance x

I'd do as the others suggest, start looking for a different (full time) job and look for a new place to live. Equity from the house will hopefully give you a good start. In future, focus on your pension and don't move in, without a ring.

I'm not being harsh btw, while I was married to the cheater, I had a similar employment set up to you. The relief of not having him in your life will make it worth it.

Whatever the two of you do about your relationship will affect the kids.

Wanting to stay in the house will hold you back big time.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, tell him you want it to work but he would need to marry you. You stay, you get married and build yourself up financially until you're ready to leave. Why should you struggle and he have it easy. If he's cheated on you twice, he deserves to be lied to as well. And if he won't do it, leave the kids with him until he begs you to come back or he offers a fair deal. I don't see why you should be doing the hard work for survival and he walks away easily and then replaces you

If you receive child benefit and you are employed then your national insurance contributions should be covered so no worries on the state pension front. If you want a private pension then that's up to you.

You are entitled to child maintenance from your ex. That's about it.

It's not realistic to continue living and working together so that's what you need to concentrate on figuring out.

I have known half decent men to contribute to their ex's living costs on separation, especially when children are involved so I hope you can both come to the table and get something agreed.

I'd look for a new job. It's surprising how quickly things can turn sour. Plus it doesn't sound like this one was paying a pension for you.

This only typically applies if he has bags of extra cash. There's no requirement to stay in family home if it would mean he can't house himself and if the kids could be housed somewhere smaller if you sold and moved elsewhere.

Best of luck OP!

I'm hoping other women will read this thread and realise why women on MN are always telling unmarried mothers to keep working, pay into pension and try to maintain some degree of financial independence

This is illegal though unless she opted out

Too late for your OP, and I am truly sorry for your situation, but for anyone out there reading this - GET MARRIED BEFORE HAVING KIDS.

I am going to have to say it because it drives me to distraction when women mention “being on the mortgage”. A mortgage is just a big bank loan, a liability. It is not a house. That is an asset and a separate thing. You need to have a full understanding of your position with respect to both of these things as your house ownership can be reflected in different ways, different shares, maybe a ring fenced deposit etc.

I really do not think you have any realistic chance of forcing a man you were never married to into providing you with a home. Even a former husband might not be forced to do that because he is entitled to have a home for himself as well and most people cannot afford two houses. So I would say your chances of getting a house out of him are remote unless he was super rich. Moving house at primary school age, is not going to hugely disrupt children’s lives, most children go through a house move at some point surely.

If you are properly employed by his company then you should have had opportunity to join a work place pension? In any case you are only in your thirties and have plenty of time, I am not suggesting you don’t need to think about pensions yet, rather that it is not a dire situation at your age. I would probably look to find a new employer and go full time however.

There are things that can be claimed but they are reliant on him actually having the assets/income to provide them. A judge is not going to award you the house fully paid for plus enough income to ensure running costs going forward if its going to bankrupt and leave your ex homeless but by the same token a judge would want to ensure the children are sufficiently housed. Yes the children have a right to be supported by both parents to a suitable standard but what is suitable is reliant on exactly what your ex owns and earns.

Yeah, living as two separate people under the same roof will not work. He can’t even be respectful while you’re supposed to be in a relationship. Get your head out of the clouds and start sorting things out so you can leave. It’s made more difficult because this far you’ve taken the path of least resistance, but there isn’t one now so you’re just gonna have to suck it up. Easy ride over now I’m afraid.

Ouch OP and sending all my love. This is a wake up call to women out there who are reliant on a man and haven’t protected themselves through marriage or career. I don’t mean to be horrible OP and my heart is with you. Amazing women here will give you a lot of advice. I hope some women are reading this though and get tough on protecting themselves.

This is terrible advice

For one thing, I don't think it would change the financials much

For another thing, it would screw your kids up

You want to be independent from him whilst living in the same house, working for his business and driving a car that’s in his name? Okay then

Do not assume women are the default parent and the weaker party financially. Do not give blanket advice about marriage before children based on your assumption of a family’s finances. Do pop along to any thread involving long expensive drawn out divorces with unreasonable partners and/or people who have slogged to build up their careers and savings to have chunks taken from them because of marriage contracts.

And do not kick the OP when she is down.

Agree PP. Women need to stop ‘being kind’, being ‘right on’ and helping men - get themselves educated on money, into the real world and protecting themselves. It’s harsh but it’s reality.

Sch 1 applications are called the rich fathers act. Essentially it costs a fortune ( no legal aid ) and is the only application that should you lose could make you liable for his costs as well. Its really for claims against millionaires. Forget that unless a qualified solicitor advises you in writing you have a good chance.

look on “ entitled to” and “ turn to us” for an idea of the benefits you could claim etc

Are you on civil terms with your ex? If the atmosphere at home isn't stressful then you don't have to move out immediately, sort out the other stuff first before you sell your house.

I'd look for another full time job because you don't want to depend on the kindness of his business partner, you never know when he'd cave in to pressure from your ex. Sort out child maintenance and any childcare you'd need when you go back to work full time. Work out a schedule with your ex on when he will have the kids.

I'm sorry you're in this position. It's very scary but I'd try to be positive - you're only in your 30s and still have plenty of time to build up your pension and restart your career. Good luck!

How much do you both earn and how much equity do you have in the house?

Once married, even if a short marriage, the whole period of living together can be argued to be considered so I get perhaps where the poster is coming from on that score. But not advisable under op’s circumstances at all and a recipe for disaster. As for leaving the kids with him. Absolutely no way.

I'm in a VERY similar position except I am married, puts me no better off though and we both get directors wages so no pension and we get money through cash. So I'm relying on him dropping my cut of profits every month off which is squindling down every month and he is becoming more bitter about it. Its only been 4 months. The only asset is the house but it would be the same unmarried. I'm of the opinion of live in the present and if my money stops then I'll look for work but I don't see why I should get a low paying job whilst he is Mr Flash. I'll go out on my sheild over that. I think a good idea is to start training up now for something whilst you do have the money and car. Thats what I'm looking to do but no idea what as!

Look to get full time work outside of your partners business for a start. Unless you can afford to pay him out, I’d accept the house will be sold and you will need somewhere smaller. It sucks.

You are in your 30s, which is still quite young. It's time to get back to work in a job that will guarantee you stability in the long haul and start paying into a pension. Plenty of people don't have a 'proper' job where they can easily afford pension contributions until their 30s. I was in training all of my 20s. You can start sorting everything out now. I wouldn't stay in a house that is unaffordable though because you don't want to be reliant on someone else to keep a roof over your head.