Page 6 | Partner cheated. SAHM. No Pension. Not Married

MarshaBradyo · 20/03/2023 11:43

Some good advice here op but I’d see a solicitor as a priority

Kennykenkencat · 20/03/2023 11:44

Re the growth in your ex’s stomach

Does it look like a balloon under his skin

DH had this. He was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer but the growth wasn’t actually cancer but a cyst on his spleen.

Original poster

Russo · 20/03/2023 11:44

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 20/03/2023 11:35

but my money goes towards paying certain bills that need to be paid.

Stop paying any bill that won't come back to bite YOU on the arse, & add that money to your healthy £1k a month savings.

When you talk to a lawyer, raise the thorny topic of your pension.
You are a high earner - why has partner's business not auto-enrolled you into a pension?

btw - you sound great.
Totally focused on practicalities & ensuring animosity won't adversely affect your kids.
Take that skill you have that makes you such an asset to the cheat's biz, & capitalise on it elsewhere. You need your own full time job, & with that, & approx £250k equity, you WILL rise from the ashes of this bonfire.

Wishing you all the best

Thank you. This is helpful and reinforces the path I’m heading down.

I can make cuts and more savings. I can be more resourceful. And I will . Your response brought a tear to my eye . I appreciate it because I need to hear that x

OP posts:

Original poster

Russo · 20/03/2023 11:50

GinUnicorn · 20/03/2023 11:35

OP I appreciate you are after practical solutions here but please consider what is best for your mental health and happiness too.

This is a shit situation and yes your children come first but your happiness is equally important. It sounds like you have essentially been caring for someone who has treated you incredibly poorly. Yes be civil and facilitate relationships but don’t forget to think about what you want out of life, work etc.

Thank you for pointing that out.

i have been in therapy and I’ve learnt to understand the point you’re making.

you make a really good point. And I would say the last maybe two years I’ve been on a little path of re discovery and understanding who I am and what truly makes me happy.

which is exactly the reason why I’m no longer willing to entertain this moron. If it pre therapy I may have just caved in and turned a blind eye.

I wholly intend to live a happy life and I know exactly what I want for myself. I’m just trying to be as resourceful as I can. Right now that’s what I need.

happiness for me is actually living in a small house that requires very little upkeep and with my own company. No man to pick up after . Just me and maybe a cat. X

OP posts:

Original poster

Russo · 20/03/2023 11:51

Kennykenkencat · 20/03/2023 11:44

Re the growth in your ex’s stomach

Does it look like a balloon under his skin

DH had this. He was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer but the growth wasn’t actually cancer but a cyst on his spleen.

His stomach does balloon almost like he’s pregnant. And then he burps/ vomits/ farts (sorry) it out .

it’s almost like he has bacterial overgrowth in his stomach that’s allowing his food to ferment.

the abnormal growth is at the bottom of his stomach. Which is why it doesn’t empty properly. So the food just ferments in his stomach

OP posts:

Maxiedog123 · 20/03/2023 11:55

This may sound morbid but do you know if your partner has made a will. His health issues sound worrying , even if not a cancer untreated stomach ulcers can kill if perforate or if bleed rapidly. I would hope his children would inherit rather than others, and a old will might name others .

Original poster

Russo · 20/03/2023 11:57

Kennykenkencat · 20/03/2023 11:41

Whilst staying put and living separate lives will not disturb the children now I think very soon they will realise that something is wrong.

Sell up and buy something on your own. Make a clean break where living arrangements are concerned

If everything is civil then I don’t see why you don’t continue working for the company if it pays well for the time being

But if it is only p/t I would looking at doing something else on the side and building your own business or looking for another job that pays similar as I am sure as soon as one of you finds someone else I think it will spell the end to your job

You make really good points here.

the sell up and clean break part … I don’t know. It just feels like the wrong financial move.

also partly because my 14 week miscarriage is buried on the grounds of the house.

there is an emotional aspect to it I admit.

when we did the burial it was an emotional time and in that moment there really was huge commitment between us regardless of past mistakes.

it brought us together for a while. And then shit went wrong. X

OP posts:

Kennykenkencat · 20/03/2023 11:58

I also think the reason for staying in your current job is good to have access to where the money is.

It is ok saying that your ex wouldn’t see you without a car or child maintenance but that is now. Later down the line if he starts saying he only earns a small amount and cat pay you much at least you have access to records to show what he does actually earn and what he has in savings and investments.

Take lots of photos and gets lots of copies of everything and update it weekly
It all might be fine but you never know if they could come in handy if you need to show that for the past weeks/months/years he was earning 6 figures and now he is saying he actually only earns minimum wage and he is struggling.

Original poster

Russo · 20/03/2023 12:00

Maxiedog123 · 20/03/2023 11:55

This may sound morbid but do you know if your partner has made a will. His health issues sound worrying , even if not a cancer untreated stomach ulcers can kill if perforate or if bleed rapidly. I would hope his children would inherit rather than others, and a old will might name others .

not morbid at all. It’s a realistic question.

We wrote a Will together prior to moving here.

its an iron clad will. We made sure of it.

x

OP posts:

pitterypattery00 · 20/03/2023 12:01

OP i just wanted to add that you are still young. You could still have a 30 year career ahead of you if that's what you want, and all the opportunities in life that could bring. I know it's easier said than done, but I'd recommend getting a job that is completely independent of your partner and taking it from there. I wish you all the best.

Original poster

Russo · 20/03/2023 12:03

Kennykenkencat · 20/03/2023 11:58

I also think the reason for staying in your current job is good to have access to where the money is.

It is ok saying that your ex wouldn’t see you without a car or child maintenance but that is now. Later down the line if he starts saying he only earns a small amount and cat pay you much at least you have access to records to show what he does actually earn and what he has in savings and investments.

Take lots of photos and gets lots of copies of everything and update it weekly
It all might be fine but you never know if they could come in handy if you need to show that for the past weeks/months/years he was earning 6 figures and now he is saying he actually only earns minimum wage and he is struggling.

I need that reminder thank you so much. Because sometimes I get complacent. I have a list of business related financial questions off the back of this post that I’m collating to ask them .

I get complacent with being trusting. That didn’t work out for me the first two times! Thanks you’re right he may turn.

I suppose he said he’d never cheat on me and then he did. So I can’t exactly take his word for it. It needs to be on paper

OP posts:

FacebookFun · 20/03/2023 12:03

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster

Russo · 20/03/2023 12:09

pitterypattery00 · 20/03/2023 12:01

OP i just wanted to add that you are still young. You could still have a 30 year career ahead of you if that's what you want, and all the opportunities in life that could bring. I know it's easier said than done, but I'd recommend getting a job that is completely independent of your partner and taking it from there. I wish you all the best.

I hear you and I love and appreciate that.

x

OP posts:

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/03/2023 12:14

I don't have much advice apart from don't rush, mentally you've decided to split but you need to make sure you've got everything in order. If he's that ill personally I'd wait a bit. I think the poster who suggest marrying first and I might be good friends 😉

Lachimolala · 20/03/2023 12:15

Definitely do what @Kennykenkencat said and make copies of all his financial earnings and assets. Gather as much proof as you can and keep it both updated and secret/safe. Sadly most men do turn in the end especially during separation etc. He may yet turn nasty and start to hide income and assets to chat the kids out of their maintenance.

Be vigilant and look out for yourself.

Kennykenkencat · 20/03/2023 12:18

I can see how staying put is better financially.

I think it depends on the house if it is possible to be split so each has their own space/kitchen etc

We knew a husband and wife who had an acrimonious split. They never spoke to each other for decades but lived in the marital home but split it in 2 with stud walls dividing the kitchen and even the stair case (one of those 8 foot wide staircases with split landing which led to 3 bedrooms and bathrooms on either side)
It looked a strange way to live but neither would sell to the other or sell up completely.

Ladyofthesea · 20/03/2023 12:24

You're still young with plenty of working years ahead of you so with a good financial plan you can save extra for your pension. I honestly think that you should get your own job a.s.a.p. so you are financially totally independent. And get your own home. A good financial future is mostly following a good plan for many years. Budget well and you'll make it.

Chersfrozenface · 20/03/2023 12:29

Russo · 20/03/2023 12:00

not morbid at all. It’s a realistic question.

We wrote a Will together prior to moving here.

its an iron clad will. We made sure of it.

x

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He still has Testamentary Freedom. He could change his will.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 20/03/2023 12:34

Russo · 20/03/2023 11:41

We are not allowed to call it that because he won’t let them do the biopsy . And therefore it isn’t confirmed.

he has life insurance but I reckon they won’t pay out after the stunt he pulled with walking out.

if anything were to happen 500k equity would be plenty for a house that’s smaller for me and the kids.

and I would get his business partner to buy the business out, and I’d not then work together . X

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He is so terribly foolish.

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/03/2023 12:35

Threads like this make me want to weep. He can change his will at any point. And if he marries someone else in the future, she - and any additional children he may have - will have a claim on his estate even if he doesn't (change it).

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 20/03/2023 12:36

Russo · 20/03/2023 12:00

not morbid at all. It’s a realistic question.

We wrote a Will together prior to moving here.

its an iron clad will. We made sure of it.

x

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Just fyi, iron clad will doesn't really mean much because however well written is it, the person can change it without having to tell the beneficiaries.

That applies just as much to your will as his though. Sorry to be a bit grim, but if his health is this bad, it would be worth you having yours looked at again in that context. Have a think about how you want the DC to be provided for if his stomach condition kills him while they're still young and you fall under a bus. I don't mean do this right now, but the circumstances in which you wrote your will don't exist now. So it does need to be addressed at some point.

mrcE1 · 20/03/2023 12:36

Russo · 20/03/2023 07:39

Just after some advice really.

Reality has hit. Financially I’m in a crap position.

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 9 years. My partner runs his own business so I’m terms of pension (in my 30s) the plan was when the business makes more we would invest the money. I’m not married . We have two kids primary school age.

we have a house and a mortgage on it. My name is on the mortgage too.

he pays majority of bills.

I'm after advice . Where do I stand? How do I start saving for a pension? I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket.

the car I drive is under his name and he pays for it. He won’t see me without a car because he needs me to do the school runs.

I don’t want to sell the house because it would mean disruption to the kids lives.

Financially we are stronger as long as we live in the house together and work together but I’m not interested in a relationship.

reality has hit in terms of me being in a stupid financial situation.

I ask you please not to judge. I’m quite fragile.

and no I don’t want to work on the relationship. He did the same thing when I was pregnant with my first child.

I don’t want to waste the energy on repairing the relationship. I just need to grow the fudge up and accept this is him and that I need to be independent from him,

just not in a way it will affect the kids.

thank you in advance x

Hi OP

This sounds like a nightmare and although you say you are fragile, I think you are impressively clear sighted about your situation - so you’re stronger than you think.

There are a number of real legal complexities to your situation and I would encourage you to seek legal advice, especially on the pensions situation. It won’t be possible to split his pension (assuming there is one) in the absence of marriage but you may have legal rights based on the expectations outlined. I must stress this is a hugely complex and fact specific area and you should err on the side of caution without getting proper legal advice. Many of the broadsheets have legal advice columns and you could write to one of these if you will not have the money to get advice directly.

I would also review carefully how home renovations, maintenance and repairs have been carried out.

Best of luck.

ThreeRingCircus · 20/03/2023 13:00

This is going to sound really bad.....but if he's that ill is it worth just waiting for now and seeing what happens? You can be gathering financial documentation, reading up so you are armed with all the facts and looking for a job that's independent from your boyfriend in the interim so if there's no change you're ready to leave.

Blossomtoes · 20/03/2023 13:02

SueVineer · 20/03/2023 10:57

its you who hasn’t read my post and is a misogynist. As I said blanket advice telling women to get married is sexist and misogynist. Not all women benefit from marriage whatever stereotypes you have stuck in your head.

Lots of women have more assets than their husbands and lots of men don’t earn much. So take your sexism elsewhere.

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That’s why I said Highly paid women are in a completely different position.

Most women with children earn less than their partners, not least because they often work part time. And, despite it being 50 years since the enactment of the Equal Pay Act, there’s still a gender pay gap.

Whiteroomjoy · 20/03/2023 13:02

jollygreenpea · 20/03/2023 10:38

Can I ask 'being on the mortgage' and 'being on the deeds' are different things?

Yes. One is a loan contract - the mortgage. And one is land registry records - the deeds

normally a mortgage company and your solicitors would insist that if you are on mortgage you’re on deeds . It would happen automatically really as a default assumption, so you’d have to be doing something weird to stop it .

however, you could have a situationist, where you’re on the deeds but not the mortgage. Unusual , but possible. What that would probably mean is that for ownership you have joint or ”in common” rights to the property, but the debt of the mortgage is not yours , only the other joint or “in common” owner (tenant as it’s called) . May be case if only one partner earnings d therefore can’t be considered as mortgage holder, but if married that would be unusual too.