Partner cheated. SAHM. No Pension. Not Married

[Russo]

Just after some advice really.

Reality has hit. Financially I’m in a crap position.

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 9 years. My partner runs his own business so I’m terms of pension (in my 30s) the plan was when the business makes more we would invest the money. I’m not married . We have two kids primary school age.

we have a house and a mortgage on it. My name is on the mortgage too.

he pays majority of bills.

I'm after advice . Where do I stand? How do I start saving for a pension? I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket.

the car I drive is under his name and he pays for it. He won’t see me without a car because he needs me to do the school runs.

I don’t want to sell the house because it would mean disruption to the kids lives.

Financially we are stronger as long as we live in the house together and work together but I’m not interested in a relationship.

reality has hit in terms of me being in a stupid financial situation.

I ask you please not to judge. I’m quite fragile.

and no I don’t want to work on the relationship. He did the same thing when I was pregnant with my first child.

I don’t want to waste the energy on repairing the relationship. I just need to grow the fudge up and accept this is him and that I need to be independent from him,

just not in a way it will affect the kids.

thank you in advance x

Hmmm good point. I suppose I was a sahm but recently started to work part time and always considered my self a sahm because it was the majority of what I do whilst being employed part time. Never really thought about it like that

so I suppose I need to shed the sahm title. Fair enough. Cheers for pointing that out it did make me laugh. X

Completely agree @SueVineer . It's depressing that on these boards women are often advised to get married to 'protect themselves'. The real way for women - and men- to protect themselves in life in general is to focus on acquiring skills/education, building a career, and to not give up that career if you choose to become a parent/spouse.

I know several women who have lost out massively from divorce as they had higher salary/more wealth (not an unusual situations in my wider social group).

I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket

This bit really worries me because you're relying on a man being decent to keep you in work. That really isn't financial independence.

Thank you. That’s helpful and useful.

This is exactly then type of info I’m after

thank you

It’s possible it’s a scenario where he owns a business. On paper she works for business and maybe does a bit of admin/invoicing but it’s a tax efficient way to do things. But effectively she’s a sahm.

Sorry I didn't see your last post.

You’re absolutely right and I get what you’re saying. It isn’t. Cheers for pouring that out. It is food for thought.

@Russo I think that sometimes we lack self esteem and say "I'm just a sahm" when actually, you have lots of skills and you have recent / up to date experience.

You can use these to find an independent job away from this dickhead and flourish on your own two feet.

So, you aren't a SAHM - you're a woman with a job. Stand tall and remember this X

speculate all you want but my office is an embarrassing shit tip.

im just used to the term sahm because the first 7 years I was.

Seems more like her (questionable) advice was more about going for the jugular during a divorce than staying in the relationship long term.

It was a brutal plan and whilst not something I'd choose, OP can choose who's advice she takes.

Thank you for not kicking a fellow woman whilst she’s already a bit down. I appreciate that. I really do and I value your response x

Thank you. Not local but it is food for thought x

You're welcome! Have a think about your transferable skills and update your CV. I think you'll be surprised at how quickly you'll find a new role. And you'll feel like you can breathe again.

Your kids will be so proud of you.

Make sure that your reference is from the nice business partner. Good luck!! X

Judging by your last post, you don’t appear to be in a terrible position at all. You also seem to have some time, if you want to take, it to both organize your thoughts and prepare. First things first, speak to a solicitor. They will be best placed to advised.

You could look at living together, separately. It wouldn’t work for a lot of people, but it does work for some. It’s entirely dependent on the individuals involved. You’ll get opinions definitively telling you that you can’t, or can, but in regards to that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks (or what would work for them), you’ve got to decide what works for you.

Thank you for the info. I appreciate it . And noted . Food for thought. X

I appreciate your response. I really do because I need to hear the facts. So this is helpful. And it’s great to get a different perspective from a person on the outside that can give useful advice so I’m able to focus on the right things.

I value the time you’ve taken to write that response

He has a ‘growth’ causing him to be bloated and sick and bleed out. He has cancer? Do you have life insurance on the house that pays off the mortgage?

but my money goes towards paying certain bills that need to be paid.

Stop paying any bill that won't come back to bite YOU on the arse, & add that money to your healthy £1k a month savings.

When you talk to a lawyer, raise the thorny topic of your pension.
You are a high earner - why has partner's business not auto-enrolled you into a pension?

btw - you sound great.
Totally focused on practicalities & ensuring animosity won't adversely affect your kids.
Take that skill you have that makes you such an asset to the cheat's biz, & capitalise on it elsewhere. You need your own full time job, & with that, & approx £250k equity, you WILL rise from the ashes of this bonfire.

Wishing you all the best

OP I appreciate you are after practical solutions here but please consider what is best for your mental health and happiness too.

This is a shit situation and yes your children come first but your happiness is equally important. It sounds like you have essentially been caring for someone who has treated you incredibly poorly. Yes be civil and facilitate relationships but don’t forget to think about what you want out of life, work etc.

Not a criticism just explaining how you may have thought of yourself as a sahm while being employed by business but see you have updated to say you do work and aren’t a sahm.

Would you have any claim to ownership in the business if you are that invaluable?

We are not allowed to call it that because he won’t let them do the biopsy . And therefore it isn’t confirmed.

he has life insurance but I reckon they won’t pay out after the stunt he pulled with walking out.

if anything were to happen 500k equity would be plenty for a house that’s smaller for me and the kids.

and I would get his business partner to buy the business out, and I’d not then work together . X

Whilst staying put and living separate lives will not disturb the children now I think very soon they will realise that something is wrong.

Sell up and buy something on your own. Make a clean break where living arrangements are concerned

If everything is civil then I don’t see why you don’t continue working for the company if it pays well for the time being

But if it is only p/t I would looking at doing something else on the side and building your own business or looking for another job that pays similar as I am sure as soon as one of you finds someone else I think it will spell the end to your job

That’s a good question. Never really thought of it that way. Again this is why I’m posted publicly. I need these questions thrown at me . Thank you . Food for thought

fyi I’m collating a list of the responses that are useful and splitting them into sections. So I can ask the right people.