Partner cheated. SAHM. No Pension. Not Married

[Russo]

Just after some advice really.

Reality has hit. Financially I’m in a crap position.

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 9 years. My partner runs his own business so I’m terms of pension (in my 30s) the plan was when the business makes more we would invest the money. I’m not married . We have two kids primary school age.

we have a house and a mortgage on it. My name is on the mortgage too.

he pays majority of bills.

I'm after advice . Where do I stand? How do I start saving for a pension? I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket.

the car I drive is under his name and he pays for it. He won’t see me without a car because he needs me to do the school runs.

I don’t want to sell the house because it would mean disruption to the kids lives.

Financially we are stronger as long as we live in the house together and work together but I’m not interested in a relationship.

reality has hit in terms of me being in a stupid financial situation.

I ask you please not to judge. I’m quite fragile.

and no I don’t want to work on the relationship. He did the same thing when I was pregnant with my first child.

I don’t want to waste the energy on repairing the relationship. I just need to grow the fudge up and accept this is him and that I need to be independent from him,

just not in a way it will affect the kids.

thank you in advance x

It's morally questionable but I would be my last fiver that @Zanina would be the type of friend who would help you hide a body tho. Kinda like it.

No, you cannot give blanket advice.

Many women benefit from marriage, I do not dispute that. It’s also true that marriage has significant disadvantages for many situations. I would be far worse off married, and I am female. Same is true of several friends and family members, some of whom found that out the hard way.

Not quite true.

Re the house:

Unmarried = 50% of the equity in the house.

Married = up to 100% of the equity is possible although probably rare (my daughter got 70%). Plus a share of all assets ie savings/bank accounts.

I don’t really think this is feasible op. It only works if he doesn’t start another relationship. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect he isn’t allowed to bring any women home and he should just keep housing you and supporting you.

you are entitled to half the equity in the house. You will also get child maintenance, but I think you need to review how to make yourself financially independent

unless he is very wealthy indeed then that link is irrelevant

Completely agree.

Good luck OP. I agree with others in that you need to seek a complete split and to be independent from him. It’s best for your kids and you.

My best friend's parents lived separately in the same house. It was a fairly big house and they lived in different parts of it but shared a kitchen. It worked for them. The kids are now adults and out of the house but the parents still live together (albeit separate lives).

BUT although both had romantic partners they NEVER EVER brought them home to the shared house. So the kids never saw them.

Do you have your own bank account with any child benefit paid into it ?
Is your wage paid into your own bank account ?

Being married won't save you if you're divorcing someone who is determined to screw you over, especially if they're self-employed or have a very high-paying job and can afford a long drawn out divorce.

Keep your job and retain independence is far, far better advice. Getting married offers a degree of protection but being a long-term SAHM is always going to be massively risky.

I don’t really think ‘be nice to him to get more money’ is a particularly good moral standpoint

It’s a perfectly sensible negotiation strategy, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

I agree. Having your own job and being financially independent is the key.

If you’re employed within his company. Does he not pay towards your pension? If not he’s breaking the law!

My understanding is that if she earns less than £520 per month the company does not have to auto entrol. (Or £10k per year I think) She can ask but it’s not a given

that may well be likely if she been working in husbands business

unfortunately a lot of ow,en fall into this gap and miss out on auto enrolment

it is why latest stats show that men receive 71% of the tax relief on defined contribution pensions. More men pay for pension, and more men pay higher contributions in. Women’s pension pots are roughly 1/5th of mens at retirement. Women will still be in pension poverty in 50 years time - there is no end to this discrepancy

Not if she’s earning a low wage - less than £10k roughly per year.
many many women fall into this trap

If you have been claiming child benefit then you have full credit towards state pension. That is critical as its a guaranteed income in your old age.
If the house is held jointly then you own 50% of it, regardless of who has made the payments.
What you have to take stock of is that it is impossible to get out of the situation without your kids being impacted. You need to work out how to do that with an OK impact on the kids.
Start looking for other work ASAP.

Can you check on your government gateway account your NI record? Do you have gaps since you were employed by him?

Ouch.

Sounds like you're in England OP. Do you know how the house is owned, ie are you joint tenants or tenants in common? If you're joint tenants then it's equal shares but tenants in common could mean either one of you owns a bigger share than the other. You could email the solicitor you used for conveyancing to get confirmation perhaps?

Forget the mortgage, is your name on the house deeds?

These applications are made every year but they tend to be quite rare and are expensive to make so you need a specialist solicitor if you plan to make one. This means you need resources to pay for that. These applications are generally only worthwhile when the other parent is a very high earner or has significant assets.

if you are particularly concerned about pension then you would be best to get a job that offers decent contributions (public sector will almost always be significantly better here). However I would sort yourself out somewhere secure to live first.

It’s not if she was not earning over 1k a month

One important difference between being married and not is that divorce courts can and will take into account the impact on one parent's earning ability due to looking after children.

Marriage is a legal contract that has to be undone through a legal process, often involving courts. If you live together there is no contract and no legal recourse for the impact on the ability to earn or career progression.

I should have said, "there is very little legal recourse". As a PP has said, in rare cases there is but only for the very well off.

Absolutely- makes me so mad when handmaidens come on to say this. I am a single mum who ended up much better off being unmarried as I was the highest earner. Blanket advice is not helpful nor is this sort of advice to the op when she can’t go back in time.

Alternatively @Zanina is the type of friend who encourages you to stay in a desperately unhappy relationship because she can’t envision women being able to live without a man. Which is what she is actually doing.

it is 2023 you know. Women do not need to be married to get an income

It’s not being a “handmaiden” to recognise that for the majority of women with children marriage is a benefit.

ill fix that for you- married means you can get 0-100% of the assets. Many women with higher salaries or more assets get less than 50%. That doesn’t always mean a high flying job- public sector pensions can be a significant asset and if you want to keep them you could lose the house for example.