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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner cheated. SAHM. No Pension. Not Married

182 replies

Russo · 20/03/2023 07:39

Just after some advice really.

Reality has hit. Financially I’m in a crap position.

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 9 years. My partner runs his own business so I’m terms of pension (in my 30s) the plan was when the business makes more we would invest the money. I’m not married . We have two kids primary school age.

we have a house and a mortgage on it. My name is on the mortgage too.

he pays majority of bills.

I'm after advice . Where do I stand? How do I start saving for a pension? I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket.

the car I drive is under his name and he pays for it. He won’t see me without a car because he needs me to do the school runs.

I don’t want to sell the house because it would mean disruption to the kids lives.

Financially we are stronger as long as we live in the house together and work together but I’m not interested in a relationship.

reality has hit in terms of me being in a stupid financial situation.

I ask you please not to judge. I’m quite fragile.

and no I don’t want to work on the relationship. He did the same thing when I was pregnant with my first child.

I don’t want to waste the energy on repairing the relationship. I just need to grow the fudge up and accept this is him and that I need to be independent from him,

just not in a way it will affect the kids.

thank you in advance x

OP posts:
jollygreenpea · 20/03/2023 13:37

Whiteroomjoy

Thank you and the others that answered. It doesn't affect me it's something that a lot of people say such as I'm on the mortgage so should be entitled to half the house.

Original poster
Russo · 20/03/2023 13:56

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/03/2023 12:14

I don't have much advice apart from don't rush, mentally you've decided to split but you need to make sure you've got everything in order. If he's that ill personally I'd wait a bit. I think the poster who suggest marrying first and I might be good friends 😉

This made me giggle. Thank you for understanding my reasons for not wanting to rush it. I appreciate you picking up in this. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Russo · 20/03/2023 13:57

Lachimolala · 20/03/2023 12:15

Definitely do what @Kennykenkencat said and make copies of all his financial earnings and assets. Gather as much proof as you can and keep it both updated and secret/safe. Sadly most men do turn in the end especially during separation etc. He may yet turn nasty and start to hide income and assets to chat the kids out of their maintenance.

Be vigilant and look out for yourself.

I’m glad it was brought up. I’d never have thought to do this . X

OP posts:
Original poster
Russo · 20/03/2023 13:59

Ladyofthesea · 20/03/2023 12:24

You're still young with plenty of working years ahead of you so with a good financial plan you can save extra for your pension. I honestly think that you should get your own job a.s.a.p. so you are financially totally independent. And get your own home. A good financial future is mostly following a good plan for many years. Budget well and you'll make it.

I appreciate your feedback . Financial independence is something that needs to happen for me . I agree with you x

OP posts:
ComeOnYouSummer · 20/03/2023 14:00

I don’t think you’re in a bad position, if you own half the house and not a smaller percentage you’ll have 250k equity, the ability to earn at least minimum wage in a full time job and your DC.

Original poster
Russo · 20/03/2023 14:03

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 20/03/2023 12:36

Just fyi, iron clad will doesn't really mean much because however well written is it, the person can change it without having to tell the beneficiaries.

That applies just as much to your will as his though. Sorry to be a bit grim, but if his health is this bad, it would be worth you having yours looked at again in that context. Have a think about how you want the DC to be provided for if his stomach condition kills him while they're still young and you fall under a bus. I don't mean do this right now, but the circumstances in which you wrote your will don't exist now. So it does need to be addressed at some point.

Show quote history

Thanks for bringing that up. I suppose it goes to show my naivety but I’m going to stick that in the growing list of things I now need to review.

It’s not grim at all don’t worry. I’m here for the practical advice and reality check so o appreciate the effort you and everyone is putting in just to help another person out.

it means the world to especially given the fact I don’t feel like I can share this with anyone in my circle . X

OP posts:
Original poster
Russo · 20/03/2023 14:09

mrcE1 · 20/03/2023 12:36

Hi OP

This sounds like a nightmare and although you say you are fragile, I think you are impressively clear sighted about your situation - so you’re stronger than you think.

There are a number of real legal complexities to your situation and I would encourage you to seek legal advice, especially on the pensions situation. It won’t be possible to split his pension (assuming there is one) in the absence of marriage but you may have legal rights based on the expectations outlined. I must stress this is a hugely complex and fact specific area and you should err on the side of caution without getting proper legal advice. Many of the broadsheets have legal advice columns and you could write to one of these if you will not have the money to get advice directly.

I would also review carefully how home renovations, maintenance and repairs have been carried out.

Best of luck.

Show quote history

Thank you for reminding me that I am strong. I needed to hear that.

the more responses I read the more I realise I do need legal advice so yep totally with you on that one.

all renovations have been carried out by me but never anything lavish just fixing up the property when we realised is was more broken than the seller had us thought.

I appreciate the time you’ve taken to curate a lengthy response. Honestly noted thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Russo · 20/03/2023 14:12

ThreeRingCircus · 20/03/2023 13:00

This is going to sound really bad.....but if he's that ill is it worth just waiting for now and seeing what happens? You can be gathering financial documentation, reading up so you are armed with all the facts and looking for a job that's independent from your boyfriend in the interim so if there's no change you're ready to leave.

You’re not the first one to make that comment. X

OP posts:
Crumpledstilstkin · 20/03/2023 15:09

The more you say the better your position sounds. I'm baffled that he's been enough of an idiot to cheat, especially given his medical position.

Obviously get legal advice and make sure you have dated copies of all the important info (business and personal) and get it ongoing so you have a record over a period of time in case of future discrepancies. I reckon you have the time it takes them to make sure you're not indispensable to the business to make sure you don't need them because they'd be foolish to continue to rely on your good will too. As well as legal advise the therapy to remind yourself of what you've learnt is important and it sounds like you're well set up for that.

Don't forget that if your skill is indispensable to one business it's likely to be so to another business which means you have the power to negotiate a decent wage. Maybe you could even set up your own business? There's a saying that it's better to aspire to be the rich person than to aspire to be married to them.

I think this a real opportunity to come out of the shadow of the scumbag and see what you can grow into. You've clearly got the potential to thrive and what a wonderful example that sets your kids too.

ChateauMargaux · 20/03/2023 15:09

Get the car transferred to your name.

Make sure you have an employment contract. Are you one of the directors? You might be entitled to dividends / share in the business (long shot!)

Can you check if you are the beneficiary of your partner's life insurance? Or if not, speak to a solicitor and see what is best, if your children can be beneficiaries and you can access the funds for their benefit - if it come to that.. Ask your STXP if the children are beneficiaries of his will too.

Get your CV up to date with all of your skills and start looking for another job.

There may be an outside possibility that you are so valuable to the company that you can negotiate a share of the company and a decent salary - I wouldn't bank on it though..

Do ensure that you have access to the recent financial statements for the company so that if it comes to it, you are very clear on how much he earns.... I would go through a solicitor for child support not CMS and see if it can be court ordered.

LittleGwyneth · 20/03/2023 15:14

What are the chances that you can convince him to marry you, on the basis that he cheated, and then stick it for a little bit, then divorce?

taxpayer1 · 20/03/2023 16:31

LittleGwyneth · 20/03/2023 15:14

What are the chances that you can convince him to marry you, on the basis that he cheated, and then stick it for a little bit, then divorce?

So wrong. How can you advise that?

Bookist · 20/03/2023 16:43

And this is why I have drilled into my daughter that she should only ever have a baby if she is married to the father and that she never pays anything toward a house that is owned by someone else. I will never understand why so many otherwise intelligent women willingly make themselves so incredibly vulnerable financially.

These men like to trot out that they don't see the point in marriage because it's only a piece of paper and they don't care about pieces of paper. Oh except £20 notes are pieces of paper, as are mortgage deeds, as are P45s and P60s, as are passports, as are V5s, as are share certificates, but they sure as Hell CARE about them don't they?

Kennykenkencat · 20/03/2023 16:53

Russo · 20/03/2023 14:12

You’re not the first one to make that comment. X

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I was going to say the same but thought it might offend🤣

or he could be like my Dh who was heftily insured through his work. Diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer and survived. Then lost his job because of lockdowns.

TheaBrandt · 20/03/2023 20:41

Get hard headed. You have been unwise but thankfully you are young enough to rebuild.

SueVineer · 20/03/2023 21:56

pitterypattery00 · 20/03/2023 11:18

Completely agree @SueVineer . It's depressing that on these boards women are often advised to get married to 'protect themselves'. The real way for women - and men- to protect themselves in life in general is to focus on acquiring skills/education, building a career, and to not give up that career if you choose to become a parent/spouse.

I know several women who have lost out massively from divorce as they had higher salary/more wealth (not an unusual situations in my wider social group).

Absolutely- I’m a single mum to two girls. To read mn you would think that the best thing they could do for their finances is to get married. It makes my blood boil- women can achieve for themselves- they don’t need to marry money or security. They can achieve for themselves.

SueVineer · 20/03/2023 22:09

Blossomtoes · 20/03/2023 13:02

That’s why I said Highly paid women are in a completely different position.

Most women with children earn less than their partners, not least because they often work part time. And, despite it being 50 years since the enactment of the Equal Pay Act, there’s still a gender pay gap.

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Many low paid women equally earn less than their partners. As I said, you can’t make a blanket assumption that women earn less than men. How dare you call me a misogynist when it’s you who makes these awful assumptions. You’re sexist.

SueVineer · 20/03/2023 22:17

Bookist · 20/03/2023 16:43

And this is why I have drilled into my daughter that she should only ever have a baby if she is married to the father and that she never pays anything toward a house that is owned by someone else. I will never understand why so many otherwise intelligent women willingly make themselves so incredibly vulnerable financially.

These men like to trot out that they don't see the point in marriage because it's only a piece of paper and they don't care about pieces of paper. Oh except £20 notes are pieces of paper, as are mortgage deeds, as are P45s and P60s, as are passports, as are V5s, as are share certificates, but they sure as Hell CARE about them don't they?

Thanks but I had two kids without being married and am better off as a result as we broke up. Maybe teach your daughters that they can earn their own money too

Divorcedalongtime · 20/03/2023 22:19

Kids can handle moving house, they might actually find it quite exciting.

Bookist · 21/03/2023 09:51

Of course women could and should earn their own money. My daughter is studying a STEM subject at a good university and has a prestigious internship lined up for the Summer. If she performs well then the company will offer her a graduate position with a starting salary of somewhere in the low 40Ks and they will fund her MSc, so I have no worries about her ability to support herself financially. But I still counsel her to be married before having a baby because it makes things much clearer cut and affords her protections because if married you don't have to 'prove' much in the eyes of the law.

bellabasset · 21/03/2023 17:27

We successfully used Stephens & Scown in a civil case in London, despite the fact the office we used was Truro based. So the information they give will be sound.

pitterypattery00 · 21/03/2023 17:36

@Bookist

it makes things much clearer cut and affords her protections because if married you don't have to 'prove' much in the eyes of the law.

Unfortunately this is not necessarily the case. My relative has been legally separated from her abusive ex for 3 years and is still trying to get divorced - he is exerting his last bit of control by doing everything in his power to delay things. He is going after her pension, savings etc. Absolute nightmare for the whole family as it's now going to court and other family are being called as witnesses. Had she not been married she could just have walked away. Like @SueVineer I have made the conscious decision not to marry my long term partner as I have too much to lose if anything were to go wrong in our relationship. It's a legal contract first and foremost and the implications are poorly understood by many who enter into it.

Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill · 21/03/2023 17:46

Russo · 20/03/2023 11:41

We are not allowed to call it that because he won’t let them do the biopsy . And therefore it isn’t confirmed.

he has life insurance but I reckon they won’t pay out after the stunt he pulled with walking out.

if anything were to happen 500k equity would be plenty for a house that’s smaller for me and the kids.

and I would get his business partner to buy the business out, and I’d not then work together . X

Show quote history

Umm what about his will as well…. you need to try and make sure the kids are provided for even if you aren’t

with regards to life insurance … why wouldn’t they pay out? He has a mortgage to pay off and dependents. The money may not go to you but unless he’s specifically told them your not a beneficiary then how would they know otherwise?

and as for the business, if you are paid handsomely and get on well with the business partner why not carry on working there and reaping the benefits if your ex did pop his clogs.

LadyEloise1 · 25/03/2023 10:42

@Russo I hope you are staying strong.
Isn't it amazing how a man that is ill, that you cared for could still find the strength and energy to cheat.
Cheating that leads to the breakdown of a relationship and the upheaval of the lives of small children and the adults involved. Sad

Original poster
Russo · 25/03/2023 10:53

LadyEloise1 · 25/03/2023 10:42

@Russo I hope you are staying strong.
Isn't it amazing how a man that is ill, that you cared for could still find the strength and energy to cheat.
Cheating that leads to the breakdown of a relationship and the upheaval of the lives of small children and the adults involved. Sad

Thank you for your kind words.

if I’m being honest; I’m having wobbles here and there. Sometimes the feeling is overwhelming and other times I can remain focused.

it has been the Spanish Inquisition.

I found out that he actually couldn’t perform because he also has Erectile dysfunction.

I don’t know whether that makes it worse. Sometimes I want to laugh. And then I realise how stupid it is. The act itself he couldn’t see through not because he didn’t want to but because he physically couldn’t.

and so from his perspective it really wasn’t worth it.

how humiliating must that be.

OP posts: