Partner cheated. SAHM. No Pension. Not Married

[Russo]

Just after some advice really.

Reality has hit. Financially I’m in a crap position.

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 9 years. My partner runs his own business so I’m terms of pension (in my 30s) the plan was when the business makes more we would invest the money. I’m not married . We have two kids primary school age.

we have a house and a mortgage on it. My name is on the mortgage too.

he pays majority of bills.

I'm after advice . Where do I stand? How do I start saving for a pension? I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket.

the car I drive is under his name and he pays for it. He won’t see me without a car because he needs me to do the school runs.

I don’t want to sell the house because it would mean disruption to the kids lives.

Financially we are stronger as long as we live in the house together and work together but I’m not interested in a relationship.

reality has hit in terms of me being in a stupid financial situation.

I ask you please not to judge. I’m quite fragile.

and no I don’t want to work on the relationship. He did the same thing when I was pregnant with my first child.

I don’t want to waste the energy on repairing the relationship. I just need to grow the fudge up and accept this is him and that I need to be independent from him,

just not in a way it will affect the kids.

thank you in advance x

Wow those are shocking and depressing statistics

No one said that though nor do u have any evidence for it.

You did. Read your own post. That kind of casual misogyny is unacceptable.

Most women’s careers take a hit when they have children. If you’re taking that hit, marriage is an obvious benefit as it means pensions and other assets being taken into account on separation. Unmarried there’s no access to those assets. Highly paid women are in a completely different position.

Can I ask 'being on the mortgage' and 'being on the deeds' are different things?

Hi OP - as others have said you need legal advice. The firm you mentioned upthread are great if you are local to them.

The info you’ve found means you can make a claim, you’ll need legal support to do that, but it doesn’t guarantee you’ll get anything. If he’s self employed CMS may be challenging too op. I hope you find a way though

Unless a very very high income is involved then I think that link is pie in the sky. I certainly wouldn't pin any hopes on it

I agree - doubly so as he owns his own business and there's the potential to fold the company and start again in another name, lie about income and all the rest

As practically everyone's said, the only real option is to get a different job, sell the house, look into benefits and hope he'll at least pay for the DCs.
There's not even any point in staying and hoping to work it out, since he can easily end the relationship himself and then you're no further forward

OP, I do feel for you. What a position to be in.

Please get proper legal advice. The piece you linked to earlier today makes it clear that, even if the parents are unmarried, you both still have financial responsibilities to any children. Subject, of course, to there being any actual assets. If he doesn't have any assets he just doesn't. But be aware lots of men are very good at hiding them. Mine did.

I made the mistake, as it turned out, of telling DD to marry before having a child. But then she became the major earner, not because she was well paid especially but because her husband was a lazy arse.

Mine also stayed in the 'matrimonial home' a year after we'd split up - not nice.

Separate yourself now as much as possible. Photocopy bank statements, documents, whatever while you still can and keep them safe. Do what you can to get another job. Remove yourself as director of this joint enterprise.

Check your state pension forecast. See if you are short of NI contributions that you can cheaply 'back fill' now, do that if you can. It will be worth it in 30+ years' time: this will come around quicker than ever you think. I believe you have to be 1st named on the child benefit to get the NI contributions credited to you, so make sure this is you and not him.

Some smart men out there!

Of course they are, though they will often be the same.

Being ‘on the mortgage’ simply means you have borrowed the money jointly to buy the house - and both of you are liable to repay it.

The deeds (or rather these days, the Land Registry entry) sets out who owns the building, in what proportion, and any additional charges over the property, like a charge to the mortgage company for the duration of the mortgage repayment.

I think you need to sit your ex down and work out childcare 50:50 between you and then when you know your schedule you can go out and look for full time work.
Short term stay in the house but once you’re sorted with a job and childcare in place you can look at selling it and what you can afford in the way of a new mortgage.

it’s not going to be easy OP but you will get there, good luck to you, you have time on your side

Your problem is, that it suited you to let DH provide all, organise everything for you and make all the decisions.

You're now asking MN to take on his role and tell you what to do. You're still counting on DH to provide you with a home and car, and his business partner business partner to keep you in a job and "not see me out of pocket".

It's time to stop relying on other people ; start taking responsibility and
running your own life..Your marriage is over so there WILL be big changes; your childrens lives ARE going to be very different and so is yours.

its you who hasn’t read my post and is a misogynist. As I said blanket advice telling women to get married is sexist and misogynist. Not all women benefit from marriage whatever stereotypes you have stuck in your head.

Lots of women have more assets than their husbands and lots of men don’t earn much. So take your sexism elsewhere.

I earned over £1000 pm and still opted out.

100% agree with this. The get married advice assumes the woman is always the lowest earner and thus more vulnerable financially in a relationship. This may still be the case in most relationships but I think that’s changing very quickly.

Absolutely this. I wish I had never got married, as I was always the MUCH higher earner and had my own property.

Yes. The important thing is who legally owns the house (on the deeds) Op can check with Land Registry if she’s not sure.

This

And why on earth would you have another child with a man who cheated on you when you were pregnant the first time?

Time to take some responsibility OP - in the kindest way - start looking for a full time job and becoming independent physically and financially. Don't expect any large financial settlements from the man - you aren't married and if he has a business he can easily work the finances around so it doesn't look like she's paid anything

Essentially the OP only owns the assets she personally owns. Which is a share of the house and if jointly owned that’s 50%. It does not matter what she contributed to the mortgage if it is jointly owned. If tenants in common her share will be whatever the Deed says otherwise it defaults to 50:50.

From what the OP says there is no pension provision in their relationship at all. They decided to put it off. A

The OPs reliance (for income and pension) on a business she has no stake is a problem. She needs to end this now. Either by gaining a stake in the business or getting a job elsewhere.

Her children do have rights under the children’s act if they split. This ensures that the children are properly provided for by their parents. For most people this means that the children are adequately housed. For extremely wealthy the act can be used to apply for support to maintain a standard of living. This would apply to cases that CMS doesn’t cover, income over £150k per year.

However the OP could use these rights to seek a ruling that they remain in the house. But she would need to establish that they would be homeless if they couldn’t stay in the family home. Whether this is viable depends on the local housing market, how much equity they have and what her maximum income could be.

If the OP was allowed to stay she would be responsible for the mortgage. His share (50%) wouldn’t change and in the future she would have to buy him out or sell and give him half. Even if she pays the mortgage. It’s not really a good option for anyone.

The OP needs to up her life plan in terms of earnings and pension one way or the other. The sooner she does this the better.

Being married generally means a SAHP gets a better deal in a split. But there needs to decent assets for this to make a lot of difference. Frankly IMO being a SAHP is far more of a disadvantage than not being married for a lot of women. Combination of both is worse obviously.

Women need to take responsibility for their financial future and not depend on relationships that have a high probability of failing.

Thanks HyacinthineMacaw I just wanted to check as I thought that they were different.

when I say financially I’m in a crap position I mean I’m not married so I don’t have the right to the other assets he has been able to build over time. he’s financially better off than me but he’s been able to do that because I’ve been the main carer for the kids. That money was ‘ours’ but now it isn’t. Annoying. Oh well.

our joint income is a little over what the prime minister earns.

(I’m paid handsomely by the company because without me they’re f*ed - I’m an asset and I hold their most valuable and expensive items - I replaced the last company that dealt with my job because they were running the company into the ground)

but my money goes towards paying certain bills that need to be paid.

I save 1k a month but prior to the cheating scandal this was spent on Xmas , birthdays, uniform , work on the house (mould growth and dodgy roof etc

I have 10k in savings

ironically tomorrow the insurance company is sending a person to replace my lost engagement ring. It’s 3k in value now.

i also have assets in gold . 3k worth.

the equity in the house is just under 500k

With all due respect I’m just after facts not personal opinions.

as it stands the only priority I have is to become financially stable for me and the kids.

he’s being civil as am I.

my current state of mind is ‘resourceful financial fight mode for me’. There are no feelings involved because they serve no purpose.

as for the kids. I want them to be stable. I don’t believe in tearing them away from their father. I’ve no intention of weaponising the kids. They’ve done nothing wrong.

he’s also chronically ill so I’ve been more his carer than his partner. He has an abnormal growth in the bottom of his stomach from untreated ulcers. He can’t digest food or this makes it harder for him to digest food. He throws up practically every week and he refuses medical care.

he’s bloated everyday. He’s in pain or discomfort everyday.

not so long ago he lost half of his blood and was in hospital for a while from a bleeding ulcer he wouldn’t get treated . This has happened x3. He signed himself out of hospital without getting proper treatment.

although he’s not been conscious of my feelings I’m conscious that my children don’t need a dad that’s dead. Stress usually makes his bleeding ulcers worse .

i don’t care what he does but if it affects my children then I do care.

like I said it’s me and the kids. That’s my priority.

please allow me to reiterate; I’m after advice re how the fudge I can be resourceful.

to the few or that one poster - I don’t want your angry unregulated emotional responses though I’m aware I can’t prevent that from happening.

Thank you that’s really useful

I’m employed by the business part time and that will continue because his business partner is a decent man who wouldn’t see me out of pocket

If you're employed then you aren't a SAHM. I'm confused 😊

Depends if he is willing to be generous and keep paying all the bills and not force a house sale. I agree the house will probably have to be sold and the proceeds split. At least it's in joint names. I don't think relying on a part-time wage from his business is feasible in the long term.

Realistically I’d look for another job away from him. Pension wise and flexible for children local government may be worth a look.
Find out what position is re house - are you a legal owner and if so are you joint tenants (50/50) or tenants in common and maybe own different shares. Check on land registry.
What is equity in property? (Value minus mortgage)
You need to agree how you are sharing children - 50/50?
If you are going to have them more then he’ll need to pay maintenance.
I wouldn’t rely on him for anything going forward as he can cut it off eg phone, car.
You are young and have a job so will be able to turn it around.