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Original poster

dinner just went to shit - why?

419 replies

Whatjusthappenedthen · 19/03/2023 17:59

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Divorcedalongtime · 19/03/2023 18:01

Why can’t she just grab the gravy without letting you know first? It seems like you were looking for reasons to be annoyed with her.

I have teens, I know it’s tough with their moods but I think you were not being self aware here.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 19/03/2023 18:02

Why did you apologise to dd? Her behaviour was rude. To be fair I’d have ignored the dramatics and carried on eating…that might have stopped things escalating like they did

ApolloandDaphne · 19/03/2023 18:02

To be honest to fail to see why your DD would need to ask for the gravy jug. I think the issue stems from there. Most people would have said nothing even if they were poised to take it then got it after them. It sounds like maybe as a family you have an issue with the tiny give and take actions that most people negotiate with ease?

scoopoftheday · 19/03/2023 18:03

Why did she have to wait to use the gravy, like some second class citizen?

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 19/03/2023 18:03

DD is overreacting, but you were sarcastic, it definitely wasn't a joke, there's nothing funny about it. I'm not sure why she has to ask to have the gravy first, seems most unnecessary.
Big fuss about nothing. Give her a cuddle and move on.

Drumminganimal · 19/03/2023 18:04

Your joke was passive aggressive and would have unsettled me too as a teenager.

GoodVibesHere · 19/03/2023 18:04

You were grabbing the gravy - did you ask first? If not then why does your DD have to ask?

Either way, you were a bit mean to her. She just wanted some gravy, why make her feel small?

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 19/03/2023 18:04

If - and obviously it’s not clear if this was the case - the gravy was next to you and she had to reach across you to get it, then she should have asked you to pass it.

I’d have ignored her subsequent mood and chatted to other kids and partner.

OnlyFannys · 19/03/2023 18:04

Why would DD have to ask to pick up the gravy? That's the bit I find odd. At 14 it's easy to be over sensitive, I wonder if she thought you were implying that she was being greedy/selfish in some way? Perhaps worth asking her what had upset her specifically

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 19/03/2023 18:05

Well why shouldn't she help herself to gravy? I would be upset by being sniped at for something like that.

EmmaEmerald · 19/03/2023 18:05

OP you've just described why I hated family dinners.

also, if you wanted the TV on, what's the point of having a family dinner?

I think they're hugely stressful. If it kicks off, no one really knows why. Just put it behind you but if you put your kids through this daily, it might need a rethink.

luckily ours stopped when we were both teens and asked to stop them. Plus they were inconvenient with everyone having different timetables.

DojaPhat · 19/03/2023 18:05

Teen mood swings can be a rollercoaster at the best of times but it seems off to tell her that she needs to ask before picking up the gravy. Would you ask if you picked up more sprouts from the sprout container or whatever?

AlisonDonut · 19/03/2023 18:05

If you don't want the kids to pour gravy, why is it in a gravy boat?

Totally bonkers.

Toottooot · 19/03/2023 18:06

Do you have a gravy hierarchy? 💁🏻‍♀️

Changingplace · 19/03/2023 18:06

I don’t see why her having the gravy first was an issue, you were both reaching for it, so was she really ‘grabbing’ if any more than you were?

I think you overreacted by leaving the meal to sit in another room leaving your meal, you were behaving worse than she was for sitting with a face on her.

DaveyJonesLocker · 19/03/2023 18:06

You took a dig at your daughter for getting some gravy. You expect her to ask if she's allowed the gravy that's been out on the table? Are you having a laugh?

Then you kept taking constant digs at her. Then you stormed out, then stormed back in again. Then carried on having a go at your daughter. Then had a go at your husband.

It was ALL you. You saw your daughter nearly in tears and just carried on.

If you reach for the gravy jug as someone else has already taken it you apologise and wait your damn turn. If your kid is upset you try to cheer them up, not tell them off. Seriously you must be hell to live with and not a thing you've said or done can be attributed to being ND. It's just being a bully.

Aftjbtibg · 19/03/2023 18:06

I don’t understand; why should she ask for the gravy if you were just about to take it? Were you reaching for it then she took it?
I think you over reacted by going out of the room; I would have just ignored her sulking but i do get that sometimes it’s hard to do that but you are the adult and you created that atmosphere with your reaction. I don’t blame your partner to be honest.

Overthebow · 19/03/2023 18:07

I think you created an atmosphere by snipping at your dd. Why can’t she reach for the gravy jug? Did you ask before reaching for it yourself? She’s 14 so emotions will be running high, give her a break.

LeafHunter · 19/03/2023 18:07

You weren’t providing consistency. You were unhappy with her having an emotional reaction to the situation but you were allowed to.

OnlyFannys · 19/03/2023 18:07

Changingplace · 19/03/2023 18:06

I don’t see why her having the gravy first was an issue, you were both reaching for it, so was she really ‘grabbing’ if any more than you were?

I think you overreacted by leaving the meal to sit in another room leaving your meal, you were behaving worse than she was for sitting with a face on her.

Yes I forgot about that, you leaving to go into the other room is incredibly martyrish, that is what would have ruined the atmosphere

Shoxfordian · 19/03/2023 18:08

You’re looking like the problem here

mbosnz · 19/03/2023 18:08

It sounds to me like one of those ill fated family dinners, where everyone takes everything said by anyone else, the worst way possible.

I've found that to have a nice family meal at the table, I have to shut my gob, forget about what I think is acceptable table manners, and focus on all of us having a good time enjoying each others' company.

DevantMaJardin · 19/03/2023 18:08

Jesus you ruined dinner by being a bully. Your poor DD. Are you often controlling and bullying towards your child?

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2023 18:08

If she took the jug just before you took the jug, why did you need to tell her to ask first?

Did you say out loud, “I’m taking the gravy jug” or “Is it OK if I take the gravy jug?” Would that be normal for your household? Otherwise you told her off for doing something you were doing too?

It basically seems like you told her off for something completely unremarkable, and if you’d already had words about something else earlier in the day it appeared (to her) that you were picking on her. Then you didn’t let it go by just ignoring her when she was upset. If you’d just ignored her (not paid any attention to her strop) and got on with the meal then it would have blown over.

Do you and she clash often?

FlounderingFruitcake · 19/03/2023 18:08

Poor girl, what is a communal gravy boat for if not to help yourself to? And why was the TV on in the first place? I’d happily eat a takeaway in front on the TV but having it on in the background for a homemade roast that you’ve all sat down to eat together shouldn’t be necessary.