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Original poster

dinner just went to shit - why?

419 replies

Whatjusthappenedthen · 19/03/2023 17:59

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Wallingtonhall · 19/03/2023 18:22

OP….I won’t judge. I have no answers. Had a horrible day myself with stroppy teens and grumpy DH. I didn’t handle it well.

forget it and move on,

Milkand2sugarsplease · 19/03/2023 18:22

The gravy is on the table for everyone surely, especially teens that are more than capable of pouring their own. You both went to get it at the same time so why was your intention to have gravy more important than hers - as petty as that sounds. If you have some weird rule in place that adults go first and dd flouted that, then maybe you could have been cross (even then, at a push). Otherwise, you caused tension at the table and it spiralled from there.

moksorineouimoksori · 19/03/2023 18:22

this doesn't make much sense and was definitely your fault. why does your daughter have to ask before serving herself gravy? how was she supposed to know you were about to take the gravy - can she read minds? does she need to wait until you've given yourself gravy before she goes for it, like you're the king or something? why didn't you ask for the gravy if she has to? your joke was quite rude and uncalled for and almost certainly not something a teenage girl trying to eat wants to hear.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 19/03/2023 18:23

From your description of it - and that’s all I have to go on - it’s sounds like you are controlling.

Goldenbear · 19/03/2023 18:23

Where is the OP

Xrays · 19/03/2023 18:24

You went wrong at the hierarchy over the gravy. If it’s on the table anyone can use it.

Are you often nitpicking and negative towards her?

emptythelitterbox · 19/03/2023 18:24

You're being overdramtic and mean.

Have a think about your behavior and the nasty things that come out if your mouth.

IncessantNameChanger · 19/03/2023 18:24

We are a neurodiverse family. I often use the 'I'm not talking to you now' approach when things escalate. Also reminds me to stop talking.

Quartz2208 · 19/03/2023 18:25

What happened is that you just couldn’t leave it. You started it and then rather than just leave her sulking and picking at food went back again and again. Before turning onto your partner.

Xrays · 19/03/2023 18:26

What was the thing that happened earlier that dd also took offence to? I think that may be key.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/03/2023 18:26

This thread makes me feel really sad for your DD.

All she did was go to get the gravy without asking (which is exactly what you were doing yourself) and you picked and picked at her until she was on the verge of tears, then stormed off and tried to blame her for that too.

Why didn't you just let her take the gravy? I genuinely don't understand why you felt the need to be so passive aggressive towards her for pouring some gravy.

Bearpawk · 19/03/2023 18:27

The way I'm reading it, you're annoyed that she didn't ask before picking up the gravy jug - had you asked ?
Then you went off and sulked but she's not allowed to.
If she was almost crying you know she was upset - not just being a drama lama.
Sounds like you need to be a calm and consistent adult here.

SnarkyBag · 19/03/2023 18:27

To be honest it starts and finishes with you. No need for the passive aggressive joke about the gravy, you had a dig over nothing then continued to pick at her over dinner, then escalated it by walking out and then had a go at you DP because the TV had been turned down. Sorry you not doing any of those things would have achieved dinner time not turning to shit.

UnbeatenMum · 19/03/2023 18:28

You upset DD, probably unintentionally although I don't really understand what happened with the gravy. Then you escalated rather than de-escalated her emotional state with further comments.

We have similar with our autistic daughter, if we make negative comments (e.g. about her shouting) she just gets more and more dysregulated until it ends in meltdown. As the adults we try to deescalate instead, although it can be hard when you're having a bad day yourself.

ladydimitrescu · 19/03/2023 18:28

This was all you. You made a sarcastic comment and upset your Dd, then constantly picked at her for being upset. Completely hypocritical when you stormed off in a strop yourself.

N4ish · 19/03/2023 18:29

Sounds like you overreacted to your daughter’s behaviour and turned something very minor into a big drama.

BellaJuno · 19/03/2023 18:30

Sorry OP but this one is on you. She did nothing wrong, why does she have to ask for the gravy but you’re allowed just to take it? You then make a passive aggressive “joke”, get annoyed when she’s upset about it, you then strop off, come back, have another go at her, pick at your partner for touching the tv and so on.

WimbourneWasps · 19/03/2023 18:30

Nice of you to get your sons diagnosed and yet not your daughter who you admit isn't 'normal'

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/03/2023 18:30

It is really positive you have asked for views on this. That’s a sign you are open to the prospect you might be in the wrong.

Sounds like DD might have been in a bit of a sulk, but honestly that goes with being 14. And she didn’t really do anything wrong. I don’t understand at all why she had to ask to use the gravy jug.

The biggest thing here was you picking up
on every tiny thing she did and then taking yourself off to another room. You were the reason things went badly. But you know that really I think. You created an awful atmosphere. Just let things like this go. It’s not big deal if she reaches for the jug first, or picks at her food, or sighs. If you over react to all this you will be exhausted and have totally alienated her by time she leaves home. My favourite pop song of all time is “Let it Be”. I try to live by it. Honestly, most of the crap people argue about and fret about and get worked up about does not actually matter at all.

Nimbostratus100 · 19/03/2023 18:31

you created an issue out of absolutely nothing, as far as I can see - being anxious or ND has nothing to do with anything here

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 19/03/2023 18:31

You're the issue OP. Your daughter shouldn't have to ask to have some gravy, she's just as entitled to it as you are. Drop your attitude.

Mumofnarnia · 19/03/2023 18:32

Whatjusthappenedthen · 19/03/2023 17:59

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

So you told dd to ask when she goes to reach for the gravy jug but earlier in your post you also went to reach for the gravy jug at the same time as your dd. Did you also ask if you could have the gravy jug before you went to reach for it? I don’t get it.

catlovingdoctor · 19/03/2023 18:32

Poor girl!

steff13 · 19/03/2023 18:32

Unless she used all the gravy before anyone else had any, I don't get why her having it first was an issue. And how was she to know you were "just about to reach for it?" You could have avoided this situation by letting the gravy thing go. Failing that, there were several points in the story where you could have diffused the situation, but you chose to escalate it instead. Perhaps consider that for the future.

mathanxiety · 19/03/2023 18:33

Was the gravy closer to you or to DD when she grabbed it?

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