dinner just went to shit - why?

[Whatjusthappenedthen]

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

@Whatjusthappenedthen I had a feeling from early in your posts that he wasn't your children's dad. He is a prick, a horrible, abusive, cruel one. Your poor children.

You need to start defending and protecting your children. He will fuck up all your lives. He's got you bollocking ND children over table manners in their own home, in a misguided attempt to get him to lay off them! That's fucked up in itself.

You need talking therapy so you can see how wrong all of this is. Your children (and you) can't relax in their own safe place. This needs to stop. He needs to go, and then he won't get angry any more over your children or how they eat. Hell's teeth, he is terrible - and he's worked a number on you x

@RosesAndHellebores I fear we won't agree, as in my experience, although children are certainly taught manners, the requirements are usually not quite so rigid at home. As to "grabbing," it appears to me that mother and daughter were both reaching, and I'm not sure how at a small dinner you would distinguish here, at what point reaching becomes grabbing.
In this particular case, if you feel that parents should teach children, the lesson taught here seems to have been that it's fine to badger children, even quite cuttingly, and that the implosion of what was meant to be a pleasant family meal is a small price to pay.
I'm a great admirer of the etiquette expert Miss Manners (AKA Judith Martin), and I'm sure she would have said that it badgering the child was a far worse sin than reaching too eagerly for the gravy.

Did I misread above? Why shouldn't your children laugh/smile at the table? I think if you're going to keep DP he should eat separately, he's being horribly controlling. Does he have a positive relationship with the kids otherwise? If yes he needs counseling to work on his own issues, if no you should put your children first and get rid of him.

You sound horrible, she's not ok to just take some gravy you've left out for use?

Then she's upset because you've been horrible and you sit and get on at her for not plastering on a smile?

Is she hurting you somehow by picking at her food and feeling upset?

You come off as genuinely very narcissistic in this. I can't think how you don't see that.

It might pay to actually read the thread now, @Forgooodnesssakenow

You picked on her.
thats what happened: you relentlessly picked on a kid.

Oh, I see - sorry, didn’t see this! Quoting it for any more commenters who do like I did, and miss a ton of pages

Your OH abuses your children.

You were very rude to your DD. She has as much ch right to the gravy boat as anyone else and many teenagers don’t get sarcasm, especially those who are ND.

I dont get why the first comment at the table "You have the gravy first" was ment to be joky. Surely if you are that keen on table manners and someone does something that is not ok, you rise and gracesiously overlook it /like the Queen Mother is known to have done/.

On the other had you are the mother so if you are not happy with table manners of your children you tell them what you expect to do, ie Its not ok to snatch the gravy if someone is about to pick it up.

I am surprised how your partner was so accurately describe why he didnt feel he can eat because of the athmosphere. Thats a very good job to be able to a/recognise it b/ be able to tell others.

You may not need anxiety medication, its about learning how to communicate that helps you navigate situations .

Its not a ton of pages. You need to press the "See all button" at the bottom of OPs post and it will show you her posts only.

He really said "Where are my rights?"

I'm sorry, there's a lot wrong with this whole arrangement and it's not just him that's the issue, but IMO he's the biggest issue.

If he's so 'noise sensitive' and 'feels sick' at something your child can't help then I'd be saying 'that's a you problem, you know where the door is' tbh.

Would some /relaxing/ music help better than a TV in the backround?

How do you think people are going to be able to adjust their behaviour if not by analysing what happened and thinking about how they could handle situation differently?

Fair point but actually if anything that makes it worse, she's treating her children as inconveniences for the whims of a man.

said kindly op - have you considered suggestions you may have autism too?

your ‘partner’ is horribly abusive, your children need you to protect them.

You and DD sound very similar.
The "joke" was weighted, picking up gravy jug first shouldn't really be an issue? Maybe DD feels she is always being criticised/can't do anything right, and throws a frustrated strop in response. Perhaps she is a sensitive soul (as most teens are!).

Leaving the room because you couldn't stand the look on her face/picking at food/atmosphere sounds overly sensitive and a complete over reaction, and same with your partner! Kids grow up to mimic their parents.

Are you sure your 11 year old isn’t autistic? I ask because him flapping his arms sounds like he’s stimming. If so, this would make the fact that you and your partner tell him off for it particularly cruel. And why is he not allowed to smile or laugh either?