dinner just went to shit - why?

[Whatjusthappenedthen]

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

"...telling my youngest to stop smiling..."
"I start telling them... to avoid him doing it because his voice has a more aggressive tone..."

Please read back everything you've written here, carefully. Pretend you're reading a post from someone else. This is very far from ok.

Please take the advice I wish my own mother had taken and protect your children from this. This is how lifelong issues start in young people.

oh dear
you have made amends now
your kids will be fine op,
just standard life with teens

Why can’t your son smile and laugh at the table?

I think you caused it sorry.

It sounds bizarre to me to expect someone to ask to use anything if its within distance for them to just use it. Five of you all asking each other "can I have the Gravy please...can I have the salt....now can I have the Gravy...can I have the mint sauce" would get old quickly!

From dds POV you already had one argument about something relatively minor today, you sit down to have a nice meal and then straight away you make a passive aggressive dig at her for doing something normal- presumably your dp and her brothers were just taking the other condiments as they wanted without asking everyone around the table first, it was only because you wanted the Gravy at the same time you decided to pick on her.

Then you moaned at her again because of her facial expressions/picking at her food -this might have been annoying but you're an adult, you should have just ignored it.

Then you go into the other room in a big sulk - this was the worst behaviour of all. Then you come back! Then moan at dh for turning the TV down because there was now an awkward silence - that you created by needlessly having a go at dd and then storming off.

Then moan at dp for getting up and leaving the room even though you'd just done the same thing and you say it's normal in your family to leave the room with your food while you're still eating (it's really not normal!). Poor guy I can't blame him for wanting to escape.

How would you feel if your daughter was in a relationship with a man who treated her and her children the way your partner treats you and yours? Or if you saw your sons making sarcastic comments and ‘jokes’ to their partners in the future. Because they will learn how to act in relationships by what you’re modelling for them.

so there is stress there before the meal even starts
not nice op

I just wanted to say how beautifully expressed some of the writing is on this thread. I particularly loved

@RobertaFirmino Gravy is a basic human right.

@MrsTerryPratchett 's grades of manners post

And is mostly the case tbh!

I think posters should actually lay off the Op now. She acknowledged her overreaction last night, so maybe if you’ve come late to the party you could just keep your’counsel’ to yourself because it’s redundant and plain
nasty now!

As is often the case with threads like this, what’s posted about is actually just a symptom of a much more significant problem.

It’s great that you’ve spoken to your DD and cleared the air over this particular problem.

But there is obviously some serious dysfunction in your relationship with your partner that means issues like this are just going to keep on happening.

That your son gets told off for smiling and laughing at the dinner table - by someone he would never choose to live with, if he had a choice - is soul-destroying.

I hope what happened on Sunday, and the feedback on this thread, prompts you to do some thinking, OP.

This is no way to live, for you or your children. And you’re the only one who has a choice in all of this. They are forced to live in this joyless, passive/aggressive set-up.

You all deserve better. Surely being single isn’t a worse prospect than this?

This was a you problem OP.

You were sarky with her for taking gravy (if gravy is to be rationed, put it on the plates ahead of time, surely), then stormed off, causing your DH to follow you. Then you march back in again, then you complain about the tv and snipe at your dd some more.

For any teenager, but especially a ND one, all this passive-aggressive comings and goings and "I'm fine but not reallys"... Jeez.

This is ridiculous. Girls tend to mask hence it being very very common for girls being diagnosed a lot later than boys.

Maybe her son was showing signs a lot sooner than her daughter so stop with your arsey comments

So the actual problem is that you've lumbered your children with an abusive stepfather and you're trying to deflect him away from picking on them by getting in there first?

Lose the twat and get them scarfing pizza with their fingers and eating thumb sized pieces of chicken without some nasty prick hissing at them for daring to be happy/enjoy their food/failing to pick at tiny scraps like a bird.

Now you've revealed you're with a nasty mean prick, what will it take for you to dump him?

Your partner is bullying them in their own home. He may be ND, he may not be, but he's definitely an awful person. He just doesn't tolerate them and they will know that. I'm not sure if he's tolerating you that well either? If it's really a noise issue, look up Loop earbuds and invest. If he still carries on, it'll be telling.

There is so much trauma in your household whether you realise it or not. Your own DD has been living with this for 10 years, no wonder she is not "normal" (your own words).

It's time to make some really big decisions about how you want to move forward in life because right now you're showing them you support a nasty person picking them apart and you do it too in order to prevent him from getting upset. They will remember all of it. Where on earth are your priorities and why have they not been your children's wellbeing for 10 years?!

This is just horrrific and I can’t believe what I’m reading. So you’re with someone who is horrible to your kids so you basically attack them, pick on them and are mean to them so he doesn’t need to? You get in there first?

wtaf?

Agree that you shouldn’t have made a comment about her taking the gravy first.
’Big’ family dinners are always a stress point I find esp w poss neurodivergent children in the mix!

Because I don't know whether he IS a prick/abusive, whether I am, whether kk too sensitive or what.

An example;

This evening, DD didn't finish the baked beans on her plate, my partner saw her walking past with her plate and asked "what's wrong with the beans?" DD started to say they tasted funny and my partner replied something like "do they really?", I stopped him and said it didn't matter and she could leave the beans.

This started a discussion a bit later on where I mentioned the beans thing and said that I didn't think you should force children to eat everything on their plate as I've read it can lead to eating problems in the future, he disagreed. "I don't believe that". So I googled it and read out a few things to him confirming what I said. He still didn't agree.

Then I mentioned the other stuff - that I'm now constantly telling the children not to do this or that at the table and why cant they just be allowed to be relaxed and eat as they want, he said that if my DS picks up an entire burger on his fork and starts biting into it, it makes him feel sick so why should he have to deal with it? "Where are my rights?" He said.

He also says that table manners are important - eating with knife and fork, cutting food into bitesized pieces, that kind of thing. I don't think it's important at home because we've eaten at restaurants and they have great table manners out in public...

So, I don't know. We just can't seem to agree and I just wonder whether if I just started being more relaxed with the table manners thing and just be more relaxed in general, would partner fellow suit?

Because whatbhe says about him having a right to feel relaxed and comfortable too, I don't think he's wrong wanting that?

it all sounds like a very stressful way to live though OP. Your children were there he needs to accept them as they are or not

i would get rid of him

He's likely an abusive prick. I bet he generally gets his way most of the time so he certainly isn't deprived.

What if you started criticizing and picking on things he does that you dont like?
I'm sure he'd be OK with that wouldn't he in order for you to be comfortable.

I have to say - maybe it’s just me - but for goodness sake why is there a need to add in who is ADHD, who is neurodiverse…

It was a jug of blinking gravy!

Over analyzing is the very core of the problem here.

Personally I also find it really - grrrr - because DS has significant neurodiverse issues and it feels very belittling to equate what he struggles with - with excuses for how to handle a blinking gravy jug!

well picking up an entire burger with your fork is a bit badly behaved surely?
leaving the beans, well that is normal!

Your DD isn't too sensitive. She's a victim of prolonged, almost lifelong, abuse. Once he's chased her off (or she's in hospital from anorexia/bulimia, it's 50:50 which will get her out from under his eye first), he'll move onto your DS - which, actually, he already is. He'll just focus entirely upon DS once she's gone.

This piece of shit has no rights to abuse your defenceless children.

I guess it boils down to who’s more important to you, OP.

He obviously is.

I do agree with the posters who have said s man’s behaviour towards you and your children sounds deeply unpleasant, even abusive.

The one thing I would say is that, whilst table manners can be more relaxed at home, I do still think there should be reasonable manners at the table.

I don't think either of you should be telling your children off for things that are part of their ND conditions like flapping hands, sensitivity to taste or finding it difficult to eat with a knife and fork.