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Original poster

dinner just went to shit - why?

419 replies

Whatjusthappenedthen · 19/03/2023 17:59

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 19/03/2023 18:45

It was you. You were silly to tell her to ask for the Gravy (do you?!), and then rather than letting her get over it you went on and on at her.

Silvers11 · 19/03/2023 18:45

ApolloandDaphne · 19/03/2023 18:02

To be honest to fail to see why your DD would need to ask for the gravy jug. I think the issue stems from there. Most people would have said nothing even if they were poised to take it then got it after them. It sounds like maybe as a family you have an issue with the tiny give and take actions that most people negotiate with ease?

This!! And @Whatjusthappenedthen - I'm sorry but your behaviour of leaving the room to go elsewhere was incredibly childish. I can understand your daughter being upset by you telling her off when she had done absolutely nothing wrong - but you then behaved in a very immature fashion and escalated the whole thing instead of just either apologising to her or at the very least ignoring her

comingoutofmycageandillbedoingjustfine · 19/03/2023 18:45

Why does she need to ask before grabbing the gravy?

Did you ask if you could have it before you went to grab it too?

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 19/03/2023 18:46

GoodVibesHere · 19/03/2023 18:04

You were grabbing the gravy - did you ask first? If not then why does your DD have to ask?

Either way, you were a bit mean to her. She just wanted some gravy, why make her feel small?

100% this. If anyone, whether they were my elder or not, told me to "ask before taking the gravy jug" I would have told them to get a life and I'd have been especially petty asking if I could pick up my knife and fork, take a bite, have a sip of my drink etc.

You were completely unreasonable and need to improve your communication skills, particularly if you have teenagers in your house!

Atleast you have apologised.

Oftenaddled · 19/03/2023 18:47

Everyone has a bad day sometimes. Family ties are intense so that bad day often messes with events like this for everyone. Tension puts people off eating.

I'd say it was you having the bad day this time, but you can come back from this - you might want to tell daughter and husband sorry for overreacting. And I wouldn't prioritise sitting around a table over anybody's need for a bit of space or a chance to manage their emotions. Think about what works best for your family, together.

Silvers11 · 19/03/2023 18:47

I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking

How on earth is that a joke. It was the polite thing to say? That is where the problem started as I said in my previous post

DizzyLizzyKizzy · 19/03/2023 18:47

Back down, your DD was not being unreasonable!

riotlady · 19/03/2023 18:48

This was all you, start to finish!

You passive aggressively “joke” about her needing to ask for the gravy (why??)

Then you have a go at her “attitude”- it doesn’t sound like she was having an attitude so much as having feelings? Tearing up and picking at her food because she was sad? Bit over sensitive, yes, but not bad behaviour that requires a telling off

Then you storm out and back in again, making everything much more dramatic!

Climbles · 19/03/2023 18:49

I Would talk to your DD explain that when people live together sometimes little things can irritate each other. It’s normal and she doesn’t need to take it to heart. You still love her and think she’s wonderful for xy and z reasons. Say next time you will try to be more patient but if she could try to be more considerate when you are all eating together. Explain it felt to you that she grabbed the gravy when you were reaching for it and that seemed rude. However in the scheme of things it’s not important and her sulking made it into an unnecessarily big deal.
Then ask if she’d like to watch a show and eat ice cream (or whatever you like to do together).

pizzaHeart · 19/03/2023 18:50

I don’t think neurodiversity comes somewhere into. You did passive aggressive comment towards your DD and she was upset by it, then you continued to be mean to her by picking all the time on her behavior. She obviously felt stressed and couldn’t relax. It was obvious to your partner that why he left the table. I actually think that he behaved ok all the way.
Your DD is only 14. She might get some manners wrong but I’m sure you have your faults as well. No one is perfect. And why should she ask for gravy? It’s on the table for everyone to use.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 19/03/2023 18:50

Are you coming back OP?

SunshineAndMonsteras · 19/03/2023 18:50

Interesting how many well unreasonable threads are on here this weekend, with brand nee usernames of course...

Madsciencecovid2020 · 19/03/2023 18:51

Reading that described my house on many occasions!!😂 My house is very neurodiverse and a mix of diagnosed and undiagnosed.

You have to pick your battles and just bite your tongue and just ride the wave on some days. Even with 3 of mine age 18 plus and a younger child age 10 a family meal at Christmas can easily be like that!! If you factor in the sibling politics as well no meal is stress free.

A large glass of wine might help on the really bad days or just smiling and waving ! There is no real solution, you have to manage each of their needs and accepted that someone will be pissed off about something or someone all the time!! X

MargaretThursday · 19/03/2023 18:51

You're on at your poor dd the whole time as far as I can tell:

  1. D (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, That wasn't a joke you were trying to make a nasty point. Dressing it up as a joke makes it worse.
  2. so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today I wonder if telling someone to quit it, ever makes them feel better. I doubt it. But it would have been far better to ignore it even if she was sulking over nothing, rather than the fact you'd already been nasty to her.
  3. so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her Getting nastier
  4. had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, So it didn't work telling her to stop it earlier, and you can see she's trying not to cry, so why did you continue on at her?

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Firstly, what you said wasn't a joke. it was a passive aggressive way of complaining that you wanted to go first. Saying it's a "joke" is you trying to make yourself look better. I suspect the "apology" is similar. Trying to make her look in the wrong rather than you.
Honestly, I don't often say this but it sounds like you are emotionally abusing your dd, definitely bullying her. Being nasty, then trying to make out that she's the problem when she gets upset.
Yes, the atmosphere was your fault.

Fladdermus · 19/03/2023 18:51

Seems to me like you want to be in control and don't take too kindly to people not complying. You also seem to be pretty insensitive to other people's feelings and come across as quite cold towards your DD.

Chocolatepumpkin · 19/03/2023 18:52

Maybe pour the gravy on plates before serving in future or get everyone individual boats or a schedule of who goes in what order? 🤦🏼‍♀️
definitely sounds like you were the issue here, teens are allowed to be emotional, adults should know better than snipping at a clearly upset child and storming off because it makes them more upset. The fact you continued this behaviour once you returned and then started on oh is making you seem very unreasonable.

Coffeedoesntcutit · 19/03/2023 18:52

If DD1 is autistic then using sarcasm may be really really confusing to her. Obviously not all people with autism are the same but many many have challenges interpreting non -literal language. Add to that the fact she is a hormonal teenager and I think you really over-reacted

Careerdilemma · 19/03/2023 18:52

All the flouncing around like a moody teenager on your part is modelling to your DD that that's appropriate behaviour. Perhaps if you learned to sit nicely at the table and treat people with courtesy and respect your children would do the same?

Also weird to have the TV on so you don't have to sit in silence. Perhaps it the TV weren't routinely on people would actually have a conversation?

ChrisPPancake · 19/03/2023 18:52

Well I guess one thing you could do differently is not stomp off in a strop halfway through your meal.

Spiderboy · 19/03/2023 18:53

Yeah you are the problem here.

Leafblow · 19/03/2023 18:53

" how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?"

You shouldn't have made that joke in the first place- it wasn't a joke it was a pass agg way of telling her off when she had done nothing wrong.

She was upset and being told off for no reason, not really overreacting.

The atmosphere was your fault as you created it (by snipping at her for nothing) and then made it worse by continually telling her off for being upset.
Telling someone off for being upset is never going to make then suddenly not upset- so you should have just ignored it at the table and apologised later for snipping at her.

Your partner couldn't ignore the fact you tokd her off- you did it continuously and stropped off in the middle of it.

The entire weird thing could have been avoided at any point by not telling someone off for using communal gravy. Apologising for overreacting to your child being upset. Changing the subject so the focus isn't all left on the poor kid who was trying not to cry. Just moving on imstead of wanin on about her being upset. Your poor kid.

MissingMoominMamma · 19/03/2023 18:53

You embarrassed her and made her feel less than. That’s why she looked like she was going to cry.

It clearly wasn’t meant, but perhaps a talk and a cuddle might help?

Forgottenpeeves · 19/03/2023 18:54

YABU. You were passive aggressive and kept telling your DD off. You doing awful tbh.

thaegumathteth · 19/03/2023 18:55

None of us are perfect parents and ok your Dd was moody but what went wrong, was, unfortunately, you.

You were passive aggressive and overly dramatic and then acted amazed when everyone was pissed off with it?

SittingNextToIt · 19/03/2023 18:55

Whatjusthappenedthen · 19/03/2023 17:59

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

You aren’t coming back are you?

You’re a bully and if this interaction is anything to go buy your relationship with your daughter is not looking good for the foreseeable, if things don’t change.

why on earth does she need to ask to get herself some gravy? Jesus Christ.