Why do people get upset if I say that I don’t believe in love?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

To be clear, I son’t start lecturing anyone, it’s just that quite often friend or family members ask me how come I never have a partner etc.
Usually I just shrug my shoulders and try move the topic, but few times I’ve said honestly that I just don’t believe love is an actual thing.
Once again, I don’t start speeches, just quick honest remark and move the topic.
Never said anything about anyone else’s partners/lack off…

And let me tell you!
This does NOT go well.
People are adamant I am wrong, sad I’ve ’given up hope’ (I haven’t, it just was never there), soon I’ll meet someone and change my mind (doubtfull) and how I can’t say something like that.

Why not?
I do not understand, at all.

[OutsideLookingOut]

Just want to say I find this really interesting OP. Also I love your responses. I see so much projection on the thread.
Not sure I agree or disagree yet with the premise.

[MoreSleepPleasee]

I feel sorry for you op. Love is the most wonderful feeling.

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

@OutsideLookingOut

Just want to say I find this really interesting OP. Also I love your responses. I see so much projection on the thread.
Not sure I agree or disagree yet with the premise.

Hi!
And thank you.

It doesn’t have to be about agreeing and disagreeing, I like hearing different views on things.

I’m still fascinated about the one who was so extreme that they said they wouldn’t trust me with their child or pet 🥹
I mean, bless!

[donttellmehesalive]

How come you believe in all of the other emotions, just not love?

Presumably you believe in happiness, disappointment and shame because you have experienced them.

Just because you haven't experienced love doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

In rl people find your assertion odd because it seems narrow minded (I haven't experienced it so it doesn't exist) and suggests a social disorder.

[Lex345]

I find this really interesting. Can I ask you to expand a little bit on what you said earlier when you said you do care about people, but more because of the benefits you feel from that? Do you care more about certain people than others? Is it the word love itself you have an issue with?

For example, if I told you I care deeply for someone, would that be more believeable than if I said I loved them?

Ultimately, though, its pretty rude for someone to get upset with you for expressing how you feel when they asked!

[beastlyslumber]

@CantAskAnyoneElse

Hi!
And thank you.

It doesn’t have to be about agreeing and disagreeing, I like hearing different views on things.

I’m still fascinated about the one who was so extreme that they said they wouldn’t trust me with their child or pet 🥹
I mean, bless!

Why do you find that extreme? What makes you trustworthy when you've admitted you don't believe in love? What's to stop you from harming others? Genuinely, I don't understand.

The opposite of love is hatred. The absence of love leaves indifference. What makes you a trustworthy person when you've admitted that your feelings can by necessity only run from hatred to indifference?

Why do you think you should be trusted around vulnerable people? I'm genuinely asking. If you don't have any love for anyone, what's to stop you from harming them, either deliberately or carelessly?

[LolaSmiles]

Literally my next sentence was:

” To be clear, never said anything to anyone.”

I have no idea why you left that out.

You must have some kind of agenda to purposefully leave out the very next thing that clearly stated I have never said it out loud.

I didn't say you said that out loud.

I was commenting on how having that world view is likely to come across if you're telling people love doesn't exist.


And then build a scenario around something that has not happened.

You have started a thread saying you've told people you don't think love exists and have asked about why people respond as they do.

Now saying you've told people love doesn't exist is a fake scenario that hasn't happened.

Just to clear this out, I don’t want anyone to think Lola’s LIES are something I’ve done or said.

Your first post says you've told people you don't think love exists.

It seems like you're resting a lot of your irritation on the fact that whilst you've told people you don't think love exists, because you've not specifically said to individuals "and I think ..... About your relationship" they're not allowed to comment on the fact that you've made a blanket statement that does imply things about their relationships.

[GeekyThings]

I think it's understandable why people get upset when you say you don't believe in love because the statement essentially encompasses passing judgement on their relationships. People get pissed off when other people do that.

Saying that, it's pretty rude to ask people about their relationship status in the first place, so I'd say that falls into tit for tat to me being as they've started it!

As to whether or not love exists, well, it obviously and objectively does, so saying you don't believe in it because you haven't experienced it would be a bit like me saying I don't believe Australia because I've never been there. Or gravity because I can't see it. Or Boris Johnson because I don't want to. I can say them all I like, it doesn't make them true (sadly in that last instance). It just confuses people and makes them uncomfortable, hence the long thread of comments about that afterwards!

[Wishawisha]

@beastlyslumber

Why do you find that extreme? What makes you trustworthy when you've admitted you don't believe in love? What's to stop you from harming others? Genuinely, I don't understand.

The opposite of love is hatred. The absence of love leaves indifference. What makes you a trustworthy person when you've admitted that your feelings can by necessity only run from hatred to indifference?

Why do you think you should be trusted around vulnerable people? I'm genuinely asking. If you don't have any love for anyone, what's to stop you from harming them, either deliberately or carelessly?

Only hatred to indifference?

But presumably you have friends and a acquaintances that you don’t love but who you are more than indifferent about? I just don’t think the scale of human emotion is just hatred, indifference and love.

I love my family and a few, dear friends but most friends I wouldn’t say I love. I don’t love any of my friend’s children but I am fond of them and care for them; it’s a long way from indifference. I would say it was quite extreme to actually love all the people in your life? - no one does that, surely?

[beastlyslumber]

But if you were incapable of love would you be capable of fondness, like, caring etc? They all come from the same source, surely? It's a version of love, to care for someone.

I guess you could like someone for purely selfish reasons, just for how they reflect on you. But caring for someone takes a certain degree of selflessness, I.e. love.

[Wishawisha]

@beastlyslumber

But if you were incapable of love would you be capable of fondness, like, caring etc? They all come from the same source, surely? It's a version of love, to care for someone.

I guess you could like someone for purely selfish reasons, just for how they reflect on you. But caring for someone takes a certain degree of selflessness, I.e. love.

I don’t know. I guess it could just be a scale of “fondness” and anything over a certain threshold would be “like” and over the next threshold would be defined as “love”. Or is it a completely different scale entirely, to jump from fondness/ like to love?

I can kind of see what the OP is saying because logically I can’t rationalise what exactly love is. If I liked person X a bit more than I already do, would that be love? But we know love exist even in other primates - we’ve seen evidence of gorillas etc carrying round their dead children because they can’t say goodbye and of primates that have been taught sign language talking about their parents many years after they last saw them and seeming to understand human emotions.

What I think the OP is missing about children is that of course not everyone loves their children. There are plenty of bad people out there. But most of us do love our children very intensely. I would absolutely die for them.

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

Can I ask you to expand a little bit on what you said earlier when you said you do care about people, but more because of the benefits you feel from that?

I mean I care about the people I choose to have in my life.
But I care about them because they bring substance (perhaps not the best word) in to my life. I like spending time with them, they listen to me (and I listen to them), we do things together, give advice (and sometimes even good advice 😂).
So, at the core of it, it’s selfish.


Do you care more about certain people than others? Is it the word love itself you have an issue with?


Yes, certain people.
I’m pretty indifferent towards people I don’t know.
And if I read/hear about something they maybe going through, it’s pretty much only if I can relate, it provokes me, but that’s just about my own feelings, right?
I don’t have issue with concept of love, I know there a believers out there, and that doesn’t bother me as long as they know it’s a personal thing.


For example, if I told you I care deeply for someone, would that be more believeable than if I said I loved them?

Belief is a personal thing.
I’m not here to argue about that.
Call it whatever suits you.


Ultimately, though, its pretty rude for someone to get upset with you for expressing how you feel when they asked!

Thank you!

[LolaSmiles]

GeekyThings
Totally agree with you. Great post.

It's understandable that people are going to bit a bit "huh" if they're given a general statement that the central feeling in most human relationships doesn't exist.

Like other posters have said, there's a big difference between not being interested in romantic relationships/not being bothered about pursuing romantic relationships and stating that love doesn't exist as an entity.

The friends are rude for pushing questions about relationships though.

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

Than you @Wishawisha for you very sensible comments.
You articulated very well.

[Lex345]

@CantAskAnyoneElse

Can I ask you to expand a little bit on what you said earlier when you said you do care about people, but more because of the benefits you feel from that?

I mean I care about the people I choose to have in my life.
But I care about them because they bring substance (perhaps not the best word) in to my life. I like spending time with them, they listen to me (and I listen to them), we do things together, give advice (and sometimes even good advice 😂).
So, at the core of it, it’s selfish.


Do you care more about certain people than others? Is it the word love itself you have an issue with?


Yes, certain people.
I’m pretty indifferent towards people I don’t know.
And if I read/hear about something they maybe going through, it’s pretty much only if I can relate, it provokes me, but that’s just about my own feelings, right?
I don’t have issue with concept of love, I know there a believers out there, and that doesn’t bother me as long as they know it’s a personal thing.


For example, if I told you I care deeply for someone, would that be more believeable than if I said I loved them?

Belief is a personal thing.
I’m not here to argue about that.
Call it whatever suits you.


Ultimately, though, its pretty rude for someone to get upset with you for expressing how you feel when they asked!

Thank you!

Thank you for answering-I guess the way you have explained it is kind of what I would call love in some respects. What I believe to be love can certainly be selfish at times.

[Magenta82]

I can totally understand that some people, OP included, have not felt love. It sounds like you have had a tough time and a less than ideal childhood OP and that will affect anyone emotionally.

Do you think this lack of belief in love might be some kind of rationalisation or coping mechanism? "My parents didn't show me love, I deserved love, if they didn't love me then love can't exist"

What do you think other people are feeling when they say they love someone?

[XelaM]

You've clearly had a sad childhood which is why you hold this sad, bitter view. I love my daughter unconditionally and would absolutely do anything for her. It's sad that your parents didn't feel the same way. I had a very happy childhood and I know my parents love me unconditionally. Regardless of how many times I've messed up or let them down, I can absolutely always rely on their love and support. It's unconditional love. The same love I feel for them and my own daughter. I also love our dog who is like my second baby.

As for romantic partners, again I have felt unconditional love for a man (sadly not my kid's father 😬) and it had absolutely nothing to do with sex or lust or anything conditional. I loved him despite all his flaws and would have done absolutely anything for him.

Bottom line is, your parents messed you up and that's why you don't "believe in love".

[OutsideLookingOut]

How do you define love OP?
Do you accept the evolutionary response to protect your own children/genes for most people? Is this not what you classify as love?
Do you accept the chemical changes in the brain when seeing a person as love?
Do animals that die to protect their young “love” them?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

Do you think this lack of belief in love might be some kind of rationalisation or coping mechanism? "My parents didn't show me love, I deserved love, if they didn't love me then love can't exist"

Shortly put. No.
I don’t think it’s that deep.
And ’love’ certainly shouldn’t be about ’deserving’, I don’t even understand how someone ended in this thought process, no offence if this is how you think.


What do you think other people are feeling when they say they love someone?

I don’t care. I don’t think about this.
And it’s none of my business.
I just smile and nod if someone talks about their relationships or whatever.

[DanceMonster]

Is love the only emotion you don’t believe in, or are there others?

[MRex]

’love’ certainly shouldn’t be about ’deserving’
Interesting opinion on something that doesn't exist. This betrays you OP, you know that other people love and you have a lot of unprocessed feeling around it.

I'm sorry you had a difficult childhood, and that it's had such a lasting impact. It is possible that you haven't yet felt love, whether through emotional detachment or alexithymia due to childhood trauma. If you want it, you can get psychological support to help whatever the cause.

[Aposterhasnoname]

@CantAskAnyoneElse

I’d be lying if I’d just say ”I’m unable to love”.
Alright, maybe I could say a little effective way and say I’m just not that fussed about it.
That would be honest, without going into detail and it couldn't possible (I hope not) taken personally.

But if you would be lying to say that you are incapable of love then one of two further statements must be true.

1. You believe you are capable of love.

1. You don’t believe love exists therefore capability or otherwise is irrelevant.

if it’s the first statement, then you believe love exists, if it’s the second, then you don’t believe it exists for anyone therefore all the comments on this explaining why that upsets people stand.

[highdaysandholudays]

"Because they're touchy and insecure people, who've asked a personal question and then think your experience and belief is somehow undermining theirs.

If you said this to me, I'd be interested in your perspective and be keen to talk about it (if you were up for that). I wouldn't be trying to persuade you to think differently."

I totally agree with this. People ask you why you're single? None of their fucking business! After my decades long relationship imploding in my face and going on a series of online dates with a bunch of emotionally retarded men I'm not sure I believe love is a thing too. I thought I had love but I didn't. If I sound bitter I really don't give a fuck. I love my life now. I go out all the time with friends and by myself. I'm going abroad the first time since 2001 this year. Loving yourself is far more important than loving anyone else. And to be clear I'm talking about romantic love. Because I have three children and I truly love them. I love my Dad and I miss my mum terribly. Not everyone feels like that about their parents. I don't lecture them about if.

[DeadButDelicious]

I must admit I did bristle a bit when I first read your OP, as others have said when someone says that they don't 'believe' love exists it does feel like they are saying the love you feel isn't real and that is upsetting. Probably because a lot of us invest so much of ourselves in the concept of love, love for family, love for friends, love for animals etc and to think that none of that is real is an alien concept to the vast majority of people.

Being realistic, 'falling in love' with my husband was just a rush of hormones and endorphins and what I feel for him now is based on 18 years of shared experience, familiarity, concern for his welfare, continued sexual attraction, our shared children and a whole host of other things that occur when your life becomes entwined with someone else. Is that love or is it how we build bonds with other humans to benefit our continued existence?

The only 'love' I have felt that was 'instantaneous' without any need for time to grow is the love I feel for my children. The urge, the need, to protect and nurture them was instinctive, my eldest sadly passed away and I still feel those needs, I just have to express them in a different way than I do for my youngest. It doesn't go away ever. No matter how exasperating or tiring or monotonous it gets, the level of emotion I feel for them both is the same. I would do anything to keep my daughter safe, even at the expense of myself. Is that love or the primal urge to continue on our genetic lineage?

I think that 'love' is just a word created to describe very real things. Things that people feel very keenly and as such I can only assume that love is real.

[GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou]

Do you reject all the other powerful emotions or is love the only one you dispute the existence of?

I think it’s silly to say you don’t believe in love as it demonstrably does exist. It just isn’t something you feel, presumably because of a very unhappy childhood.

I’m sorry you went through that.