Why do people get upset if I say that I don’t believe in love?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

To be clear, I son’t start lecturing anyone, it’s just that quite often friend or family members ask me how come I never have a partner etc.
Usually I just shrug my shoulders and try move the topic, but few times I’ve said honestly that I just don’t believe love is an actual thing.
Once again, I don’t start speeches, just quick honest remark and move the topic.
Never said anything about anyone else’s partners/lack off…

And let me tell you!
This does NOT go well.
People are adamant I am wrong, sad I’ve ’given up hope’ (I haven’t, it just was never there), soon I’ll meet someone and change my mind (doubtfull) and how I can’t say something like that.

Why not?
I do not understand, at all.

[dangerrabbit]

I am not sure why people care so much what some random stranger thinks about love. I think it's rude people are asking you why you're not in a relationship, and I think it's fair enough you answer however you like, because that's your experience. Don't want to know an honest answer to something, don't ask? Not sure why you are getting such mardy and defensive answers on here either. I mean, how does your attitude to love affect me or some other random MNer?! I personally believe in love but unless you were my loved one your view of it wouldn't impact me. Why can't people more live and let live 🤷

[aSofaNearYou]

I don’t care. I don’t think about this.
And it’s none of my business.
I just smile and nod if someone talks about their relationships or whatever.

Well then frankly, if you are throwing out opinions about something you haven't even thought about, then you are just being ignorant.

You've made the effort to make a thread about it, then why not think about it now?

You don't believe love exists. You are aware that other (most) people do believe they have experienced it. The first statement cannot be true without you believing that the millions of people who claim to have experienced love are either lying or wrong. So, think about it. Is that what you think?

[Abraxan]

Love is an emotion, a hormone change - sometimes fleeting, sometimes long lasting.

Do you believe other emotions exist? Fear, empathy, sadness, excitement, etc?

You say you feel empathy. So I assume you believe that the emotion 'empathy' exists.

If you believe other emotions exist, why are you so sure that the emotion 'love' doesn't?

Maybe it's more likely that you haven't felt the emotion 'love' but others have. So it exists, but you've not experienced it.

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

@MRex

’love’ certainly shouldn’t be about ’deserving’
Interesting opinion on something that doesn't exist. This betrays you OP, you know that other people love and you have a lot of unprocessed feeling around it.

I'm sorry you had a difficult childhood, and that it's had such a lasting impact. It is possible that you haven't yet felt love, whether through emotional detachment or alexithymia due to childhood trauma. If you want it, you can get psychological support to help whatever the cause.

Oh no, you got me!

Again, there is no need for faux sorry’s, everything is fine.

It has been interesting to read some people’s reactions.
Some can stay neutral and some do these odd jabs and condescendence.

[OutsideLookingOut]

I’m sorry if I missed it OP but what do you think about the science behind love, chemical reactions etc? Or the fact most people really want to protect their genes.

[BMW6]

Its certainly unusual for someone never to have felt that they love someone or something like a pet.
I don't have children but I do have a dog I love. If he were to be in danger I'd risk my life to save him certainly, if foolishly to other people. In fact I already have when he was attacked by another dog.

I don't feel sorry for you OP, you won't miss what you've never had and you won't suffer the heartbreak of love. In fact a lot of people would be envious.

[Minimalme]

You could just say that you don't believe you need or want love or that you are not really sure what it is.

You are expressing your belief as a sort of universal truth. It is your truth and that's fine.

I wasn't loved by my Mum. I wasn't loved by anyone until I met my husband at 28. And I didn't feel love until then either.

[Minimalme]

Sorry, posted too soon. I realised my Mum didn't love me when I knew I didn't love her.

It often upsets people to hear I don't love her. And they are quick to reassure me that she loves me 'in her own way'. I'm not offended by that. They just don't understand.

However, I am glad I know love now. I have made some good choices as a result and feel like I understand the point of life a bit more than before.

[GettingStuffed]

My ex-boyfriend used to say this, he used to quote 2 out of 3 ain't bad to me . For those who are too young to know this it's : I want you, I need you but I'm never gonna love you but don't be sad be side 2 out of three ain't bad.

just after we split up he met someone else and moved in with her very quickly and 35 years later they're still together. I wonder if he changed his mind?

[Greenfairydust]

@beastlyslumber
Hardly over dramatic. Saying that someone who doesn't feel love (of any kind, not just romantic) is probably autistic is a bit insulting towards autistic people. I know lots and they all have normal human emotions.

Missing the point.

There are many reasons why some people don't show/understand/process emotions and feelings in a way that will appear ''normal'' and many of these reasons have nothing whatsoever with being a psychopath...

Saying that someone who does not believe in the concept of love must automatically be a psychopath hat is just overdramatic, lazy thinking.

[beastlyslumber]

@Greenfairydust

@beastlyslumber
Hardly over dramatic. Saying that someone who doesn't feel love (of any kind, not just romantic) is probably autistic is a bit insulting towards autistic people. I know lots and they all have normal human emotions.

Missing the point.

There are many reasons why some people don't show/understand/process emotions and feelings in a way that will appear ''normal'' and many of these reasons have nothing whatsoever with being a psychopath...

Saying that someone who does not believe in the concept of love must automatically be a psychopath hat is just overdramatic, lazy thinking.

Maybe. But I didn't say that.

[OneThrillingCombination]

@CantAskAnyoneElse

Do you not have friends you love? Pets?

I have people I care about, but not love. But tbh, I care about them for selfish reasons.
I like being around them, they are kind, fun to be around, thank to them I don’t have to go to things alone, etc. I wish them the very best, but reason I choose to be around the is self-serving.
I’ve had dog, liked taking care of them, having companion, reason to go on, again all of these thing brought good feeling for myself.

If you really hated someone and were told “I don’t believe in hate” wouldn’t that annoy you?

Really can’t see myself caring that much.
I would take just that. That they don’t believe in hate.

I really connect with this- I don’t really feel love. I feel a sense of protectiveness and duty to my children and a deep feeling of need for my husband, but not love. And I care about having my friends because I enjoy their company but I don’t ‘care about them’

This is not a normal way to be. When I was younger I ‘didn’t believe in love’, thought it was just hormones etc but as I’ve got older and observed those around me I’ve realised that there is a common thread of ‘feeling’ running through other peoples relationships, and indeed my spouse loves me…

Like many things in life just because you haven’t experienced something doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.

[MRex]

@CantAskAnyoneElse

Oh no, you got me!

Again, there is no need for faux sorry’s, everything is fine.

It has been interesting to read some people’s reactions.
Some can stay neutral and some do these odd jabs and condescendence.

You make a lot of assumptions that other people have bad motives. You're wrong, it is not "faux concern", it is not "jabs" and it is not "condescendence". It's sad to hear of anyone having a traumatic childhood, and it's understandable but unfortunate that you don't believe strangers can care now. Identifying that your problems could be helped is factual rather than condescending. Of course it's reasonable for you to choose not to seek any help, if you aren't ready to do that, but you should know that help exists if you choose to look for it in the future.

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

@MRex

You make a lot of assumptions that other people have bad motives. You're wrong, it is not "faux concern", it is not "jabs" and it is not "condescendence". It's sad to hear of anyone having a traumatic childhood, and it's understandable but unfortunate that you don't believe strangers can care now. Identifying that your problems could be helped is factual rather than condescending. Of course it's reasonable for you to choose not to seek any help, if you aren't ready to do that, but you should know that help exists if you choose to look for it in the future.

And there you go again.
We’re going to have to agree to disagree here then.

”Oh, you can choose not to seek help”
Give over.
Pushin your own ideology as the one only truth and insist other’s with different views - that doesn’t hurt anyone, is sick, honestly.
There is absolutely no reason for me to go waste mine or anyone else’s time on a total non-issue.
And my childhood wasn’t traumatic.

If you now want to turn this around, please just do it in your own head. Don’t post it here.

[Isitsixoclockalready]

It's probably already been said in the thread but is love perhaps not a subjective term?

[halfsiesonapotnoodle]

I actually feel fairly similar to you, OP.

[Strugglingtodomybest]

I think you're suffering from childhood emotional neglect.

www.parentingforbrain.com/childhood-emotional-neglect/

[OneThrillingCombination]

@Theeaglesoared

Life without love - what is that? Even if it's just a love for nature, that's what gives life meaning.

@Theeaglesoared not necessarily. People find meaning in all sorts of things.

[Flamintula]

@Strugglingtodomybest

I think you're suffering from childhood emotional neglect.

www.parentingforbrain.com/childhood-emotional-neglect/

Why? I was very much loved as a child by family and extended family and I loved them in return. Except, if you'd asked me I wouldn't have been able to tell you what that felt like. I knew I loved then because every one loves their family. But what is that feeling, actually? Scared of losing them? Missing them? I didn't ever miss my parents when I left home. There are lots of people I don't want to lose, but I don't love them.

I've told men I've loved them and known full well I haven't. The older I get, the more I think romantic love is a mixture of initial lust/biology, followed my fear of being rejected and being alone. I wonder how many of us would fall in love and stay in love, if we lived in communities where everyone helped with each other's kids and you just had sex if your felt like it, with other mutually receptive people. I know free love was meant to be that and it didn't work etc.

And honestly, I think I probably 'felt ' more love for my dc when they were younger, in spite of his hard it was, so I wonder if that is bound to with the need to keep them safe to adulthood and independence.

I have never had any desire to put other people's needs before my own. I did with my kids, but that's what you do, isn't it? Would I die for them? Honestly don't know. I'd need more information about the situation, really. Certainly wouldn't go to prison for them.

If love is feeling happy because of other people , then I love lots and lots of people. But I also love solitude and the woods and the sun shining on the river and my favourite songs and feeling the first buzz of feeling tipsy equally, because they give me the same feeling.

[Raineth]

1. Because it’s stupid. Clearly, love exists. Parents sacrifice their lives to save their childrrn, lovers do the same for each other, etc.
2. Because it’s very rude. When you tell someone that love doesn’t exist, you’re telling them that all the love in their life is fake. Of course they get upset!

[WandaWonder]

I find the question 'why do you not have a partner' odd in the first place so I do not see sating 'I don't believe in love' means the person saying it does not believe in love

Why do people have to feel judged by this?

Same with anything 'I beleive chocolate males me fat' , ' I beloved yellow looks terrible as a short colour' 'I believe buying a designer dog to carry in a hand bag is unfair on the dog' means this person belive this

What does 'I believe...' have to mean 'you are judging me'?

[BadForBusiness]

@WandaWonder

I find the question 'why do you not have a partner' odd in the first place so I do not see sating 'I don't believe in love' means the person saying it does not believe in love

Why do people have to feel judged by this?

Same with anything 'I beleive chocolate males me fat' , ' I beloved yellow looks terrible as a short colour' 'I believe buying a designer dog to carry in a hand bag is unfair on the dog' means this person belive this

What does 'I believe...' have to mean 'you are judging me'?

Depends on the context. "I believe that Paris is the capital of France/Belgium" is not judgemental. "I believe that having dogs in handbags is cruel" said to someone who has a dog in their handbag has to be judgemental. "I believe that homeopathy is nonsense" is understandably never going to go down well if you're talking to a "professional" homeopath.

[beastlyslumber]

Well it's like saying to a gay person, I don't believe in homosexuality. Or saying to a doctor, I don't believe in modern medicine. Obviously people will take it as a comment on their own beliefs and behaviour.

Personally I don't find it an issue that OP doesn't believe in love as it reflects only on him. If I was in OP's life, I would get away from him ASAP. Not because of feeling judged, but feeling unsafe to be around someone missing a fundamental aspect of humanity.

[reddwarfgeek]

I don't think you are wrong OP. I feel the same as you, diluted a bit.

I don't believe ROMANTIC love exists, because I have never felt it. I thought I did when I was young, but looking back, it was lust. I wore off after a year or two. There have been partners I cared very much for, but not love. I could live without them easily. I still could.
However, love may exist for some people. It clearly does. But it could be a personality thing. Some enjoy the company of others more, some needs others and need to be loved. I'm not sure I do.
I'm a loner and I think the vast majority of people are self centred and a bit shit and boring. That's not to say I'm not a good friend and don't treat people well, I just think life would be easier without the vast majority of people and their selfishness.

The only love I've ever really felt is for my DD. The love I feel for her makes me cry as it's so strong, no other feeling has come close.

To answer your question I think people can upset when you say this because some people's whole lives and identities are routed in being a couple. It's everything to them, and they probably think you saying that invalidates what they hold dear. Maybe instead of saying you don't believe love is a thing you could say you don't believe in romantic love and are happier on your own? That way it doesn't sound so personal.
I don't think you should have to change who you are for anyone. I'm sure you can definitely have a happy life without romantic love.