Why do people get upset if I say that I don’t believe in love?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

To be clear, I son’t start lecturing anyone, it’s just that quite often friend or family members ask me how come I never have a partner etc.
Usually I just shrug my shoulders and try move the topic, but few times I’ve said honestly that I just don’t believe love is an actual thing.
Once again, I don’t start speeches, just quick honest remark and move the topic.
Never said anything about anyone else’s partners/lack off…

And let me tell you!
This does NOT go well.
People are adamant I am wrong, sad I’ve ’given up hope’ (I haven’t, it just was never there), soon I’ll meet someone and change my mind (doubtfull) and how I can’t say something like that.

Why not?
I do not understand, at all.

[Thatdarncat4]

If I had been chased by a tiger and I wanted to compare it the feeling of love would I not want it to be researched like this?
What is an example of qualitative psychology research?
A good example of a qualitative research method would be unstructured interviews which generate qualitative data through the use of open questions. This allows the respondent to talk in some depth, choosing their own words. This helps the researcher develop a real sense of a person's understanding of a situation.

[GinAndTony]

Maybe people would respond better if you limited your statement to yourself- you’re not capable of feeling love- rather than trying to claim it doesn’t exist for others. They obviously know better than you do about their own feelings.

They shouldn’t quiz you about why you’re single though- that sounds annoying.

[BentleyRhythmAce]

@beastlyslumber

Isn't that the definition of a psychopath? Someone unable to feel love? I don't know, but I do find it quite creepy.

Yep, this.

[Led9519]

If you understand that at least some parents would sacrifice their lives because they love their children (and if given the choice I would in a heartbeat) then you must say that is love. (You need not get hung up on if MOST would and it’s not prove able either way.) So that is type of love.

If you’re specifically talking about romantic love then what do you define it is that you don’t believe in it?

Also… my relationship is completely self serving. Why would I be with someone altruistically? My husband makes me laugh, does things I can’t (diy mostly) and helps me where I need it. I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t get something out of the relationship. I am sure he gets things out of it too… I do most of the cooking and we have children together.
We just enjoy each others company, the only differentiator from friendship is a physical relationship that makes it romantic but otherwise we’re just good friends who choose to live our lives together…. That attachment is all love is. And there are examples all around you. It’s not exactly the same as ghosts or God where there isn’t proof!

You say it’s all hormones and fight or flight etc. Well yes, doesn’t make it not real. Humans are just hormones, instincts, evolution and hell it all comes down to electric impulses in a melon sized organ in your head. That doesn’t make things less real?!

So I’d question your definition of ‘believe’ (the evidence is all around you) and ‘love’ and wonder if you understand it?

In simple terms if you’d like to know why people don’t like it… a lot of us experience love (attachment) day to day, and have meaningful relationships with others. Saying you don’t believe in it doesn’t align with the group and humans are group animals where attachment is important and often live saving (I.e being cared for when ill, I wonder what other species if any does this?). So you’re being ostracized for a deviant view which threatens the group. Simple really.

[BelindaMelinda]

I imagine that people get upset for many reasons - genuine upset for you, anger, offence or irritation as your statement implies that they can't love or be loved either - or, just downright frustration because your statement is stupid and you're infuriating in your insistence.

If you believe love is not for you or that you're incapable of loving or being loved, that's one thing. If you truly believe no one in the world can love someone just because you don't - despite the wealth of evidence to the contrary - that's just odd and I'd imagine you have some kind of undiagnosed personality disorder or mental health issue.

[Noicant]

I think it’s because they believe you are saying it in a way that indicates a state of hopelessness or of being fundamentally alone in the world. I would feel a bit sad if one of my siblings said this because it would make me feel like they believe no-one would actually be able to love them iyswim. I am absolutely not saying that is how you actually feel btw just how people may feel if they care about you.

Objective hat on there is nothing wrong with the statement. Maybe “love” is just a biological quirk which encourages a mild level of co-dependency for the continuation of the species sort of thing. Clearly it has a function as a concept for us as a species, probably so that we can co-operate. I wouldn’t have a problem with someone saying that, I’d be interested in knowing what you mean by that.

[Ohthebanality]

@Thatdarncat4 Wow spiteful? How did you get that from my post. I was just trying to explain how a mother loves her child more than herself? How she would put the child first. If they were starving, for instance, she would feed the child before herself. That the love is unconditional. It is one of the most powerful emotions there is. It is not always there of course, my mother didn't love me at all. I grew up unloved. But I have experienced love for my children.
One of the best books I have read about love is Sophie's Choice by William Styron. It's beautiful and devastating, I would really recommend it OP.

[Tibtilkobkob]

@Thatdarncat4

If I had been chased by a tiger and I wanted to compare it the feeling of love would I not want it to be researched like this?
What is an example of qualitative psychology research?
A good example of a qualitative research method would be unstructured interviews which generate qualitative data through the use of open questions. This allows the respondent to talk in some depth, choosing their own words. This helps the researcher develop a real sense of a person's understanding of a situation.

I'm very familiar with qualitative research since I conduct it myself as part of my job. If you are familiar with it and aren't just spouting Google search just now then note that you said:
'Not sure comparing the two is quantifiable or qualitative in any way'
Presumably you meant to say 'Not sure the two could be quantified or compared qualitatively in any way' then?
Your comment made no sense. Still doesn't really even with edit as you were referencing the other poster's comment on hormonal reactions from fight or flight which isn't a qualitative topic.

[Butchyrestingface]

If you tell people that you don't think YOU are capable of love, then I imagine you'll probably get a different response. They may feel quite sorry for you still, but probably won't be as defensive, or believe that you're making judgements about THEIR relationships.

I'd try to rephrasing your view if expressing it is causing problems for you.

[Ohthebanality]

@CantAskAnyoneElse I didn't mean to be condescending. And no, of course not every parent would die for their children. Some are cruel and abuse their children and even kill them. Or walk away from them and have nothing to do with them.
But you are saying you don't believe it's possible that a parent would love their child enough to die for them. That is not true.

[ChildcareIsBroken]

To be honest love brings happiness but also hurt, so life without it might be sensible. And it's your life, so as long as you're not hurting anyone why would you need to change?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

I think it’s because they believe you are saying it in a way that indicates a state of hopelessness or of being fundamentally alone in the world. I would feel a bit sad if one of my siblings said this because it would make me feel like they believe no-one would actually be able to love them iyswim. I am absolutely not saying that is how you actually feel btw just how people may feel if they care about you.

Aahh, okey.
This did not occure to me, I’ve never felt or connected hopelessness or loneliness to any of this.
Or someones ability to love, this is not something that has ever worried me.

And I think it hasn’t been meaningful to me, because watching all these people have these relationships and then break-up’s, someone new, no that wasn’t it, okey now this, no - get rid…
Round and round.
Like was there actually anything there, ever.
To be clear, never said anything to anyone.
But this love thing just seems to be such a fickle and demanding beast to me.

It is interesting that if someone were to care about me, as in worrying about me with this kind of thinking, it would be such a waste of time!
Human mind and it’s projecting, I guess!

[Thatdarncat4]

@Tibtilkobkob

I'm very familiar with qualitative research since I conduct it myself as part of my job. If you are familiar with it and aren't just spouting Google search just now then note that you said:
'Not sure comparing the two is quantifiable or qualitative in any way'
Presumably you meant to say 'Not sure the two could be quantified or compared qualitatively in any way' then?
Your comment made no sense. Still doesn't really even with edit as you were referencing the other poster's comment on hormonal reactions from fight or flight which isn't a qualitative topic.

So what I was saying is relevant and I just worded it incorrectly? Is that what you are telling me?

[ThereIbledit]

I get what you are saying, OP. The feelings that some people call love are neurochemical responses to stimuli. There's nothing more or less magical to it than that, even though it can feel like it - hormones are powerful drugs.

Bonding hormones like oxytocin are there for the survival of both individuals and the species. In most cases mothers bond with their child because of a huge dump of it shortly after birth. I'm less clear on the mechanisms for oxytocin release in other bonding situations but it happens, and it feels a bit silly to deny that it does happen, it's just that some people call it hormones, some people call it love. Does it matter what it's called? <shrugs>

I think the reason people take objection to your opinion is that they place so much emphasis on the importance of the concept of love in their worldview. Love is the reason for being, love is the thing that bonds them with their children, love is the reason to get married, love is a thing to pursue, etc etc. They have their own identities tied up with it, e.g. "I am a loving partner" And some of those people cannot tolerate the fact that there are people whose worldviews, if true or even partially true, would mean their worldview is flawed. I also think that anybody probing enough to cause you to say this sounds like they are unhealthily invested in proving to you the existence of love with your name on it.

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

@Butchyrestingface

If you tell people that you don't think YOU are capable of love, then I imagine you'll probably get a different response. They may feel quite sorry for you still, but probably won't be as defensive, or believe that you're making judgements about THEIR relationships.

I'd try to rephrasing your view if expressing it is causing problems for you.

But I’d be lying.
It’s not about capability.
I don’t like lying.

[CantFindTheBeat]

@Thatdarncat4

My husband and I both quandary the meaning of life and talk about love as a concept. We both love philosophy. It’s just a made up word really. The question is can you trust, care, feel physical, emotional and social gratification from having another person in your life? Well that’s what we came up with. Not sure it’s true though.
If you are born you will die that is the only truth in life. Whether love exists or not is never going to be a truth.

All words are 'made up words', @Thatdarncat4.

That's how language works!!!!

Of course 'love' exists. It's the word we use for all those feelings and behaviours you've listed.

Which have been evidenced and well documented throughout history.

Whether everyone loves, experiences love, to what degree and what form can be debated. But by your own comments, it exists.

Oh, and by the way, you were very nasty to a poster based on three lines of text. That doesn't seem to fit with your self-professed philosophical mindset.

[Butchyrestingface]

But I’d be lying.
It’s not about capability.
I don’t like lying.

How is it lying?

Do you think other people are lying when they tell you that DO they love someone?

[Thatdarncat4]

@Tibtilkobkob

I'm very familiar with qualitative research since I conduct it myself as part of my job. If you are familiar with it and aren't just spouting Google search just now then note that you said:
'Not sure comparing the two is quantifiable or qualitative in any way'
Presumably you meant to say 'Not sure the two could be quantified or compared qualitatively in any way' then?
Your comment made no sense. Still doesn't really even with edit as you were referencing the other poster's comment on hormonal reactions from fight or flight which isn't a qualitative topic.

Loads of qualitative research published on fight or flight too I mean I’m not a scientist so obviously you must know best because you said so 😂

[GhostsJulianforPrimeMinister]

I asked ChatGPT and this is its answer it's given.

Yes, love exists. Love is a complex and multifaceted emotion that can be experienced in many different ways. It is a fundamental human emotion that has been described and explored in literature, art, and science throughout history. Love can be expressed and experienced in many different forms, such as romantic love, familial love, platonic love, and love for oneself, among others.
Love is often characterized by feelings of attachment, intimacy, and caring, and it can have a profound impact on our lives and relationships with others. Scientific research has shown that love can have many positive effects on our physical and mental well-being, including reducing stress, improving mood, and strengthening social connections.
While love can be difficult to define and can take on many different forms, its existence can be observed through the behaviors and emotions of individuals who experience it. Overall, love is a very real and powerful emotion that is an important aspect of the human experience.

[Ohthebanality]

@Thatdarncat4 Your reply to my post was nasty. I may not have expressed myself that well but I meant no harm. There was no need to say the things you did to me.

[Thatdarncat4]

@CantFindTheBeat

All words are 'made up words', @Thatdarncat4.

That's how language works!!!!

Of course 'love' exists. It's the word we use for all those feelings and behaviours you've listed.

Which have been evidenced and well documented throughout history.

Whether everyone loves, experiences love, to what degree and what form can be debated. But by your own comments, it exists.

Oh, and by the way, you were very nasty to a poster based on three lines of text. That doesn't seem to fit with your self-professed philosophical mindset.

A word doesn’t make it fact. Because it’s made up.

[GhostsJulianforPrimeMinister]

I've found your outlook on this very interesting read so far and just thought I'd add some AI into the mix.

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

@Butchyrestingface

But I’d be lying.
It’s not about capability.
I don’t like lying.

How is it lying?

Do you think other people are lying when they tell you that DO they love someone?

I’d be lying if I’d just say ”I’m unable to love”.
Alright, maybe I could say a little effective way and say I’m just not that fussed about it.
That would be honest, without going into detail and it couldn't possible (I hope not) taken personally.

[ThereIbledit]

@Butchyrestingface

"I don't believe that love exists"
"I don't believe that I am capable of love"

They aren't the same statement, I imagine that's why OP says she would be lying if she phrased it that way.

She's not telling other people that they don't believe that they are in love with somebody. She's not telling them that she thinks they are lying. It sounds like she acknowledges that other people believe that they feel love. It's just that she believes that the thing that they believe they feel is a biochemical reaction, and not the abstract concept of love.

[Siameasy]

Romantic love is a social construct. Lust is real but we have to call it “love” due to restrictions around extra-marital sex.
Even in songs, much of the time when they say “love” they mean sex.
I truly only love my child in that “die for you” way. For me that feeling was instant, upon discovering the pregnancy.
I feel I love my cats as well in a different way and I do love my sibling’s children to a degree, probably because we are biologically related.