Why do people get upset if I say that I don’t believe in love?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

To be clear, I son’t start lecturing anyone, it’s just that quite often friend or family members ask me how come I never have a partner etc.
Usually I just shrug my shoulders and try move the topic, but few times I’ve said honestly that I just don’t believe love is an actual thing.
Once again, I don’t start speeches, just quick honest remark and move the topic.
Never said anything about anyone else’s partners/lack off…

And let me tell you!
This does NOT go well.
People are adamant I am wrong, sad I’ve ’given up hope’ (I haven’t, it just was never there), soon I’ll meet someone and change my mind (doubtfull) and how I can’t say something like that.

Why not?
I do not understand, at all.

I thought this was going to go in a different direction. I guess if what you mean is that you don't feel that feeling that other people describe as love then it's not so much that you don't believe in love, it's that you don't believe that you feel this feeling of love. But you think that other people feel love, right? Like ok, you don't think all parents love their children (hard agree) but you presumably buy that many parents do love their Children?

I thought you were going to say that you don't believe that the western ideal of romantic love that is advertised to us in every cultural outlet can ever be achieved. I agree with this. Finding that one person who completes you, who understands you, your soul mate, someone who you feel lust and adoration for, someone who you love every day always forever - it's a construction that doesn't really 'exist' in the sense of it not being the typical experience of most people who form monogamous relationships. We are sold a lie when we go out looking for this thing. What you can find instead is feelings of attraction, care, deep commitment, and you can choose to keep working together as a team. We call that love, but it isn't the love of the movies. Most people realise this too late, and feel hard done by.

I think that those of us who felt loved by their parents feel genuinely sorry for you. You'll have to take our words for it that parental love does exist and that people who are deprived of it are worthy of sorrow.

Have you never felt sorry for another person who's had a shit deal in life?

I think it's you that's wrong here, and not really grasping the language that you are using, rather than other people being wrong when they think you are passing judgment on their relationships.

If you say "I don't think love is a thing", then whether you mean it in that way or not, you ARE saying that they must be wrong about the love they experience, and you are by default NOT just talking about yourself. If this is not what you mean, then you should change how you phrase it. Other people are not wrong for thinking you mean there is no such thing as love meaning any love they think they feel does not exist, that is what you are saying.

Because it's weird.

Of course love exists. And it's obnoxious and immature to say otherwise. It's the kind of thing a teenager would say to sound edgy.

It also comes across as though you think you're above it. Like your simple friends with their husbands that they clearly can't love are below you and your single life!

I think they are wrong. They are reading a meaning into it that’s not there.

If you need someone to believe in something you do, or you feel it’s dimished, that’s not the other persons problem.

Like religion, if you believe in God and get offended when other people don’t or don’t believe God is an actual thing and that makes you feel your connection to God in diminished. That’s your issue.

Why would someone need a person, outside the relationship to believe in it?

Measure the increase in endorphins when with someone you love. Measure the increase in cortisol when someone you love experiences distress.

Socially: people throwing themselves in front of trucks to save their loved one, making significant sacrifices in order to help someone they love.

Most parents would happily sacrifice their own lives to save their children. I'm sorry you feel your parents didn't/don't love you. I do think your thinking on this is disordered though, possible due to your upbringing.

I think part of the problem is that if someone doesn’t gush over about it, it’s called ’bitternes’, that’s just silly and untrue.

Definitely agree with you about this, OP.

Of course love exists. And it's obnoxious and immature to say otherwise. It's the kind of thing a teenager would say to sound edgy.

We’re going to have to disagree on that one.

It also comes across as though you think you're above it. Like your simple friends with their husbands that they clearly can't love are below you and your single life!

I think I can see how you ended up thinking like this.
I feel feel that way of the comment who said they feel sorry or bad for me.
Like they above or better than me, looking down on me like I couldn’t possibly know what I feel/think/know/believe.
Yeah, opposite side of the same thing.

Because, as many of the responses on this thread demonstrate, we live in an age where grown adults cannot accept that everyone else does not see or experience the world the way that they do. A difference of opinion is interpreted as hateful or invalidating their life choices, as if you or I have any responsibility for validating anyone else and their choices. It's exhausting.

It would be different if you were offering an unsolicited lecture about it to people but you are not. You've learned to deflect in the hope of avoiding judgement but that simply isn't good enough for some people.

You do you is very unfashionable at the moment.

You aren't emotionally or socially in tune to others if you offend without understanding why and fail to make genuine loving relationships. It's fascinating also that you feel others have it all wrong and none of this is your fault in any way.

Are you Autistic OP? My sister is like this as well and she is. Just wondering!

That’s just hormones.
A momentary imbalance of the brain.

Those are just about how person’s nervous system has been wired.
Fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
They react in various way in sudden situations, without thinking.

Many parent hurt, neglect, abuse, even kill they children.
And I don’t think ’most’ would ’happily’ die for their kids, that’s silly.
Self preservation would kick in pretty soon. This seems more like a power fantasy teenager have about being a vigilante.

And we’ve all been socialized in to the concept of love.
Stories told to kids to ’find love’, it’s meaning of life, liat goes on.
How many would give a damn if we hadn’t raised to put relationships on a pedestal.

No need to feel sorry for me, and I can’t see why or how my view is disorded, it’s just different of what we’ve been told to believe and think.

Plenty of people die saving someone they don’t love though. or risk their lives for people they don’t love.

That action isn’t exclusive between people who love eachother.

I totally understand what OP is saying. It makes sense to me.
btw, I do think Love is real. But doesn't bother me that OP might feel different. My only discomfort would be if OP was really sad & feeling depressed, but I'll take OP's word for it that they are happy in self.

fwiw, I have an attitude about death that is about as offensive to most people as OP's gut feeling about Love. i think almost everyone else is deluded about death & I 'm right. But I keep my mouth shut.

I reckon OP should cultivate a different truthful answer, like "Oh it just didn't work out for me like that, but I don't mind. I'm glad I can be happy how I am and with how my life is." And don't deviate from that. Since 99% of the time, people are only interested in their own opinions, pretty easy to steer them into saying their own opinions at length & then you don't have to share yours.

I agree about giving a different answer. Tbh, I think it’s offensive to ask why you don't / never have a partner. My dd doesn’t and I certainly don’t ask her about it. Just say you love being single and leave it at that. People so often want you to be the same as them. Eg Married / partnered / kids, and can’t fathom why others aren’t the same, even if they secretly feel shackled.

No need to get into a debate about love, just celebrate your singleness

Are you autistic?

That’s just hormones.
A momentary imbalance of the brain.

So is every emotion! Doesn't mean emotions don't exist. You could say depression doesn't exist, it's just wrong levels of serratonin. Or maybe that's what you do think?

I'm just giving you examples of how we can measure emotions such as love scientifically.

And I don’t think ’most’ would ’happily’ die for their kids, that’s silly

No I disagree. The majority would. Obviously some parents are evil, and some just selfish. But most would prioritise their kids.

Isn't that the definition of a psychopath? Someone unable to feel love? I don't know, but I do find it quite creepy.

*I think they are wrong. They are reading a meaning into it that’s not there.

If you need someone to believe in something you do, or you feel it’s dimished, that’s not the other persons problem.

Like religion, if you believe in God and get offended when other people don’t or don’t believe God is an actual thing and that makes you feel your connection to God in diminished. That’s your issue.

Why would someone need a person, outside the relationship to believe in it?*

I'm not saying they should be offended by it.

I'm saying they are not wrong to think saying "I don't believe love is a thing" naturally implies they are wrong to think it does and to think they have felt it. It does imply that. OP is wrong when she says "oh I'm only talking about myself", because her language is explicitly talking about the concept of love in general.

When I tell people I don't believe in God, yes I am naturally implying that I think they are wrong to think God does exist. I don't expect them to be offended by that, I expect them to be able to accept that people have different views on the subject. But there's no getting around the fact that saying I don't think God exist means I think they are wrong, just as saying "I don't think love exists" means you think others are wrong to think it does.

That's not reading meaning that's not there, the meaning is totally explicit in the words. That's why I'm saying if that isn't what she means, she needs to phrase it differently. But tbh it sounds like that is what she means.

That’s just really odd to me.

you say ‘naturally implied’ then describe it as explicit.

Which is it? Because when I say I don’t believe something there’s absolutely no intention to judge wether they are right or wrong. Because saying ‘I believe’ is just that. I believe it.

Why would someone need me to believe in the basis of their relationship? How does that damage them?

My religious beliefs are not mainstream. If someone tells me they don’t believe the same thing I do, I am not offended nor is my faith made less than, because someone says ‘I don’t think that exists’. I don’t think they are saying I am wrong. The are saying it’s not what they believe.

You have read an implication into it. Usually people do that because they are defensive. And I don’t understand why anyone would give a shiny shit wether someone else believes in love. I don’t understand why people think it’s a judgement on their own relationship or disparages it in anyway.

People use the sentence ‘I don’t believe in marriage’ I have never seen that taken as ‘you are wrong for getting married’ or ‘your marriage is worth less because I don’t believe in marriage’. If you take it to mean your own marriage is worth less? You may need to look at why you need outside validation.

I find it so frustrating that OP is not allowed to just believe what she wants and state it but is being told she should conform to what others deem truth. Why patronise her by being ‘sorry for her’. Allowing each other to say what we really think is surely just basic respect. It doesn’t invalidate our own beliefs.

Because its a really weird thing to say?that you don't believe something exists just because you can't feel it.

It is fine that its not something you experience- and saying that you just don't feel that way about romantic partners is also fine.
But deciding that means it isn't real or is something that you can choose not to believe in is odd.

And I would probably be annoyed at someone who told me they don't believe I can love my partner because they don't believe love is real.

No one need look at why they look outside themselves for validation. We're naturally social beings and rely on others'understanding and emotional connection for survival. It's the way we're made. Some might need it more than others, which is why it's important to be sensitive to that and not to go around invalidating experiences that are sacred and vital to them. Love tends to be one of these.

Having said that, in this situation the OP's feelings and beliefs were being questioned by these people first and I think it was rude of them and they ought be ready to hear something they don't like in response!

Yes, I imagine people get upset when you say you don't believe in love because it's a very odd and creepy thing to say. It would make me want to run a long way in the other direction.