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AIBU?

Why do people get upset if I say that I don’t believe in love?

290 replies

CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 15:10

To be clear, I son’t start lecturing anyone, it’s just that quite often friend or family members ask me how come I never have a partner etc.
Usually I just shrug my shoulders and try move the topic, but few times I’ve said honestly that I just don’t believe love is an actual thing.
Once again, I don’t start speeches, just quick honest remark and move the topic.
Never said anything about anyone else’s partners/lack off…

And let me tell you!
This does NOT go well.
People are adamant I am wrong, sad I’ve ’given up hope’ (I haven’t, it just was never there), soon I’ll meet someone and change my mind (doubtfull) and how I can’t say something like that.

Why not?
I do not understand, at all.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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LynetteScavo · 18/03/2023 19:12

And I don’t think ’most’ would ’happily’ die for their kids, that’s silly.
Self preservation would kick in pretty soon.


I would absolutely die for my DC in a moment if I had to. Without hesitation. I'm embarrassed to say I don't think I would for somebody else's child, though. I'm not a hero.

What is love?

I don't think one of my DC feels love. He told me when he was 13yo what he feels for me is merely necessary for his survival. Confused

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aSofaNearYou · 18/03/2023 19:13

@Donnashair I don't know how to explain it any more clearly. What I'm saying is very obvious.

When you say you don't believe something exists, you are saying you believe others are wrong to think it does. That's it. It doesn't follow that they should be offended by that. so everything in your comment about why I would be bothered by that is irrelevant. I'm not talking about whether I would be bothered by it. I am saying that is what saying you don't believe something exists literally means. OP is trying to claim that isn't the case, but it very obviously is.

Saying you don't believe in marriage is very different because people that say that are not saying they don't think marriage exists, they are aware it does. They are saying they don't agree with it.

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Ohthebanality · 18/03/2023 19:17

Parents would die for their children. That's how strong love for a child is. It's unconditional too. I'm sorry you don't understand that OP. That's your loss.

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Regularsizedrudy · 18/03/2023 19:22

I think you are right that a lot of people claim they are in love when really they just think they ought to be (or don’t want to be alone). But I’m sure many more people do truly experience love and saying you don’t believe in it kind of implies they are lying.. which is probably why they get annoyed.
Do you not have friends you love? Pets?
If you really hated someone and were told “I don’t believe in hate” wouldn’t that annoy you?

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Thatdarncat4 · 18/03/2023 19:41

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CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 19:42

beastlyslumber · 18/03/2023 18:42

Isn't that the definition of a psychopath? Someone unable to feel love? I don't know, but I do find it quite creepy.

Quick googeling showed this:

A person who is manipulative, dishonest, narcissistic, unremorseful, non-empathetic, and exploitative may be a psychopath. Criminality, promiscuity, and lack of responsibility are also common traits associated with psychopathy.

Rest assured, I am not 😊
There is much more to life, emotional and otherwise, than consept of love.

OP posts:
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Thatdarncat4 · 18/03/2023 19:42

Also parents die for their children because it ensures their biological lineage survives.

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CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 19:50

beastlyslumber · 18/03/2023 19:10

Yes, I imagine people get upset when you say you don't believe in love because it's a very odd and creepy thing to say. It would make me want to run a long way in the other direction.

May I ask why?
Can you rationalize a bit?

I’d understand if someone would ’run a long way’ if they heard someone likes to kick dogs, or have anger issues or hell keep asking why someone is never in a relationship.
Totally get it.

But just because they aren’t much of a believer of concept of love, why?
I still care, I wish people well, I listen to other’s (relationship) problems/happy news and adjust accordingly.
Why would you run a long way from me?
I don’t understand.

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DysmalRadius · 18/03/2023 19:52

Some parents die for their children, some kill their children.
Some people support and cherish their partner, some terrorise near-strangers with unwanted attention
Some cheat on, lie to, control, and abuse others and all of them could legitimately claim they did what they did out of love.

Are some of them lying? Do some people really believe that love can include violence and control or are they just saying whatever they think will get them what they want.

If definitions of love vary so wildly as to be different for every person and every relationship, then how can love as an objectively independent idea exist? Or is love generally a catch-all term term for the upper echelons of happiness to be in someone's company that can have both welcome and unwelcome consequences?

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CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 19:53

Ohthebanality · 18/03/2023 19:17

Parents would die for their children. That's how strong love for a child is. It's unconditional too. I'm sorry you don't understand that OP. That's your loss.

No need to be condescending.

I’m not going to believe every parent would die for their child, that’s a silly Hollywood sentiment.
For many (even if they believed they love their kids) personal survival would kick in, that’s a human programming.

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Curseofthenation · 18/03/2023 19:59

Long term romantic love to me is a combination of respect, trust, loyalty, consideration, companionship and lust. I don't feel like a particularly romantic person but I do feel a need for love (as per my description). Without these needs being met by a single individual I would feel empty and sad.

I think that pretty much sums it up for me, the fact that I need all of these needs to be met by one person. They become a significant other and and play a crucial role to your lifetime happiness. I would do anything for them and I know they would do the same for me.

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NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/03/2023 19:59

It's because you are wrong. Love is real.

You may not experience it or ever feel it, but it genuinely exists.

You might as well claim that Tigers don't exist because you haven't personally experienced one chasing you - and if you were to assert that reports of the human biological, physiological and psychological responses elicited by being in the presence of something really big and carnivorous are therefore imaginary, people would say that you're wrong there as well.

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CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 20:00

Do you not have friends you love? Pets?

I have people I care about, but not love. But tbh, I care about them for selfish reasons.
I like being around them, they are kind, fun to be around, thank to them I don’t have to go to things alone, etc. I wish them the very best, but reason I choose to be around the is self-serving.
I’ve had dog, liked taking care of them, having companion, reason to go on, again all of these thing brought good feeling for myself.

If you really hated someone and were told “I don’t believe in hate” wouldn’t that annoy you?

Really can’t see myself caring that much.
I would take just that. That they don’t believe in hate.

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MavisMcMinty · 18/03/2023 20:03

I wouldn’t get “upset” that you “don’t believe in love” but I’d probably think you were rather an attention-seeker. Like a teenager trying to impress the grown-ups, you know.

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drpet49 · 18/03/2023 20:03

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 18/03/2023 15:17

Because it sounds bitter and rude.

You're seriously suggesting people don't love their parents, siblings, spouses and kids?

I also think it makes you sound jealous, because you haven't found a partner yet.

Exactly this. You just sound bitter and sad.

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Thatdarncat4 · 18/03/2023 20:04

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/03/2023 19:59

It's because you are wrong. Love is real.

You may not experience it or ever feel it, but it genuinely exists.

You might as well claim that Tigers don't exist because you haven't personally experienced one chasing you - and if you were to assert that reports of the human biological, physiological and psychological responses elicited by being in the presence of something really big and carnivorous are therefore imaginary, people would say that you're wrong there as well.

Running from a tiger is physiologically recognized as the fight or flight response not the love response 🤣 Not sure comparing the two is quantifiable or qualitative in any way but please do let us know if your love feels the same as being chased by a tiger and then we can get on researching this fact!

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Greenfairydust · 18/03/2023 20:09

Well the OP is entitled to her own beliefs and feelings.

It seems people are getting very agitated by the concept of someone not believing in love and calling her ''bitter'' is rather immature.

I do think genuine, selfless love does exist. Meaning the type of unconditional love that does not depend on what you can get out of the other person.

But in my opinion it is also very rare.

A lot of relationship are often transactional and unequal and ''love'' comes with strings attached to it.

I can completely understand how people who might not have a happy childhood and/or who might then also find themselves with selfish/abusive partners as adults would come to a conclusion that love does not exist.

If you are let down by people over and over again, there is little reason to believe in love...

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beastlyslumber · 18/03/2023 20:09

CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 19:50

May I ask why?
Can you rationalize a bit?

I’d understand if someone would ’run a long way’ if they heard someone likes to kick dogs, or have anger issues or hell keep asking why someone is never in a relationship.
Totally get it.

But just because they aren’t much of a believer of concept of love, why?
I still care, I wish people well, I listen to other’s (relationship) problems/happy news and adjust accordingly.
Why would you run a long way from me?
I don’t understand.

Because love is a primal human emotion. It is what bonds us together and what brings meaning to life. It's the source of awe, empathy, creativity and beauty. Many people even believe that God is love.

I would run from you because you are telling me that none of that means anything to you. The absence of ability to love would worry me, and the fact that you don't think it's even real for other people is frightening. I would not be able to trust you around me, my kids or my animals, without that shared human understanding of what's important. I think you are lacking something utterly fundamental.

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TheFlis12345 · 18/03/2023 20:09

It’s very odd to say you don’t believe in something that the majority of people in the world have experienced.

Are you just articulating yourself badly? Do you really genuinely believe nobody actually experiences it? Or do you just think it’s not something you personally have or will experience?

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Tibtilkobkob · 18/03/2023 20:12

Thatdarncat4 · 18/03/2023 20:04

Running from a tiger is physiologically recognized as the fight or flight response not the love response 🤣 Not sure comparing the two is quantifiable or qualitative in any way but please do let us know if your love feels the same as being chased by a tiger and then we can get on researching this fact!

Did you deliberately miss the point they made or just didn't read their comment at all?
You also used 'qualitative' incorrectly.

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Thatdarncat4 · 18/03/2023 20:16

Tibtilkobkob · 18/03/2023 20:12

Did you deliberately miss the point they made or just didn't read their comment at all?
You also used 'qualitative' incorrectly.

If you say so it must be true.

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Greenfairydust · 18/03/2023 20:16

OP I should have said that I am also someone who genuinely has never experienced love.

I had parents who claim to love me but then went on to hurt me. Same with men: pretended to like me as a person when all the wanted was sex and had no interest in me as an actual human being.

So my experience of love was that the word was mostly used to justify shitty behaviour and to get something out of me...

I am very happy on my own now and feel absolutely no need for close relationship with anyone.

The only love I truly feel is for animals and my creative interests. Never for people.

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CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 20:16

beastlyslumber · 18/03/2023 20:09

Because love is a primal human emotion. It is what bonds us together and what brings meaning to life. It's the source of awe, empathy, creativity and beauty. Many people even believe that God is love.

I would run from you because you are telling me that none of that means anything to you. The absence of ability to love would worry me, and the fact that you don't think it's even real for other people is frightening. I would not be able to trust you around me, my kids or my animals, without that shared human understanding of what's important. I think you are lacking something utterly fundamental.

😄Thank you for answering!

Yes, I see now it would be good for us both to go different directions.
All the best!

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CantFindTheBeat · 18/03/2023 20:17

I can see why you would feel that way, OP, given what you've said about your parents.

I'm sorry they didn't show you love or care.

Thai doesn't mean that love doesn't exist. It means it hasn't existed for you.

I'd like to think my kids know they are loved by all the big and small things they've experienced since they were small. And the fact that they're told every time we speak, even now as adults.

Of course not every parent is a good parent. Some, as we sadly know, are downright evil. But the majority aren't.

With some exceptions, parents, especially mothers, are hard-wired to love, care for and put their babies first. That's how the human race has survived.

I've run into the road for my dog, let alone my child, I love him so much. Its instinct to protect those you love and care for.

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Theeaglesoared · 18/03/2023 20:20

Life without love - what is that? Even if it's just a love for nature, that's what gives life meaning.

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