AIBU?
Why do people get upset if I say that I don’t believe in love?
CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 15:10
To be clear, I son’t start lecturing anyone, it’s just that quite often friend or family members ask me how come I never have a partner etc.
Usually I just shrug my shoulders and try move the topic, but few times I’ve said honestly that I just don’t believe love is an actual thing.
Once again, I don’t start speeches, just quick honest remark and move the topic.
Never said anything about anyone else’s partners/lack off…
And let me tell you!
This does NOT go well.
People are adamant I am wrong, sad I’ve ’given up hope’ (I haven’t, it just was never there), soon I’ll meet someone and change my mind (doubtfull) and how I can’t say something like that.
Why not?
I do not understand, at all.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Mummysgogetter · 18/03/2023 17:06
I don’t believe in “romantic” love either. I believe that the “romantic” love you experience in the first year or two is nothing more than lusty hormones and excitement chemicals (dopamine etc). Real love starts when these feelings fade and you make a choice to love the other person even when it’s very hard to.
CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 17:16
I just want to say how I find it fascinating that handful of people have said they feel sorry for me or that it’s sad.
Isin’t it curious?
Feeling sorry (genuine or not) for someone else comes from the place where one has put themselves above the other, and are looking down on them.
Why throw these comments here?
CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 17:19
LeaveAndNeverLookBack · 18/03/2023 17:03
Caring about and having empathy for people is a form of love but romantic love is always lust and fades quite quickly!
And I don’t understand how lust has anything to do with live.
Lust is shallow (to me, not making rules or whatnot to anyone else)
and although clearly not an expert on all thing love, to me it would be something much more deeper it goes way beyond physical.
Lust is just lust, it doesn’t mean anything.
Donnashair · 18/03/2023 17:24
BMW6 · 18/03/2023 17:16
Perhaps you are unable to feel Love OP, not being critical, just factual. Not everyone does - some people are just not wired up that way.
The only thing you are doing wrong is saying Love doesn't exist at all - you should amend it to Love doesn't exist for you.
If you say ‘I don’t believe in X’ you are saying ‘for me’
’I don’t believe in God’ doesn’t mean ‘You shouldn’t and are wrong for doing so’.
Maybe people need to stop being so defensive if they ask intrusive questions and get answers that they don’t like.
CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 17:26
BMW6 · 18/03/2023 17:16
Perhaps you are unable to feel Love OP, not being critical, just factual. Not everyone does - some people are just not wired up that way.
The only thing you are doing wrong is saying Love doesn't exist at all - you should amend it to Love doesn't exist for you.
No it’s cool.
I don’t mind.
I don’t think ’unable’ is a thing (convenient, I know 😉).
Reading the comments, I’ve realized it could be that we give different meanings what it is and looks like.
Someone pointed out parent/child love, I don’t think that’s given.
So maybe there are people who think this person is this and that for me and that has to mean live.
And also the start of relationship/hormones, many seems to call that love.
Co-dependent or people in abusive relationship insist they have love etc..
So who know what everyone means when it comes to love.
All I know, I’m less and less worried about feeling love, the more I learn.
Flamintula · 18/03/2023 17:26
I think I get it. I don't think I think it really exists, either. I think we telll ourselves it's love, but it's really lust, or need, or biological imperative to keep our offspring alive.
People say you must love your parents, but you just don't feel it. But if you don't feel it, then how do you know you love them? I like lots of people. I'm happy when I'm around some people and happier around others. But is it actually love?
Iamthemusic · 18/03/2023 17:26
Personally I would just assume that your statement was a reflection on your own experiences, or lack of, rather than something to be offended about.
However the reason people are taking offence is because you're invalidating their experience.
"Love doesn't exist" is invalidating what they feel. Not what they believe (eg like saying "God doesn't exist" to a religious person) but what they feel. Invalidating people's feelings always riles them up.
If you said "love isn't for me" or " the feeling of love isn't something I relate to" or even made a statement/opinion along the lines "the feeling described as love is just an evolved survival mechanism" then I don't think people would be as offended as you telling them the feeling they've experienced simply doesn't exist.
It's sort of presumptuous, to definitely state you know that everybody who's ever said they're in love, wasn't really. It implies that you know people's feelings better than they do. A similar example would be in response to your remark that you don't love your parents, for me to say "oh yes of course you do, you do love your parents you just don't realise because of x,y,z". That would probably be irritating for you because who am I to tell you what you feel.
Oblomov23 · 18/03/2023 17:27
It's a very unusual view. To say you don't believe in love. Are you sure you are using the right words? what do you actually mean you don't believe in love? what does that actually mean?
Believe : "to accept that something is true without proof.
Of course love is true. Real. Most of us love, have been in love. To deny it exists makes you look stupid frankly. The existence of love is a fact.
Do you have any SN? Abused childhood? Because it is an odd view.
WeWereInParis · 18/03/2023 17:27
If someone says "I love my partner" and you say you don't believe in love, then you must think that that person is either lying about being in love, or that they are wrong? I don't really understand how either of those positions are reasonable about every romantic relationship there is. I assume you don't think everyone is lying, so you must think everyone is wrong? About their own emotions? It's an odd opinion.
Regularsizedrudy · 18/03/2023 17:29
To be serious, I do think it’s a little sad for you because I feel I am full to the brim with love and it is amazing and I would wish everyone to feel that way. But maybe you don’t need it? I love my family, my children, my partner, my friends, my community, just people in general. I think humans and way we can achieve together is amazing and I try to pour love into everything I do.
CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 17:30
Regularsizedrudy · 18/03/2023 17:26
Do you beLIEEEVVVEE in life after love? 🎶
I was thinkin more in line of…
🎼What is love?🎼
Ps: always thought it was ….love after love…
Surely life goes on either way?
See, this is why I’m not a good believer!
Flamintula · 18/03/2023 17:31
I have definitely told myself that I am in love, in order to justify being with a twat. I was not in love; I was scared of being on my own and, I think, having a bit of a post uni crisis.
I would say I have thought myself conventionally, deeply in love twice. I married one of them. But the most in love I felt coincided with the early lust filled bit.
CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 17:34
WeWereInParis · 18/03/2023 17:27
If someone says "I love my partner" and you say you don't believe in love, then you must think that that person is either lying about being in love, or that they are wrong? I don't really understand how either of those positions are reasonable about every romantic relationship there is. I assume you don't think everyone is lying, so you must think everyone is wrong? About their own emotions? It's an odd opinion.
If you has read my post, you would have seen that I just say this about myself - when asked why I’m not in relationship/talk about dating/brought anyone around…
I’ve never said a word in regards anyone else’s relationships, not business and really don’t care what they call it.
Tour whole premise is wrong.
Just to clear that up.
Tibtilkobkob · 18/03/2023 17:36
Some people also don't think the female orgasm doesn't exist. Doesn't make it true. I'd put it to you that you specifically have never experienced love. Someone who has knows it exists (like the orgasm lol). I'd imagine these people are reacting this way because they have experienced love (probably assuming it's a universal thing which for the most part it is) and so to claim it doesn't exist baffles them a bit.
I can't relate op but no judgement we're all wired differently and you being honest to yourself means you're not leading the other half of a relationship down the garden path which is a good thing.
CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 17:38
Regularsizedrudy · 18/03/2023 17:29
To be serious, I do think it’s a little sad for you because I feel I am full to the brim with love and it is amazing and I would wish everyone to feel that way. But maybe you don’t need it? I love my family, my children, my partner, my friends, my community, just people in general. I think humans and way we can achieve together is amazing and I try to pour love into everything I do.
This is crazy to me.
I feel more bad that you think it’s sad.
I guess I don’t need it, though need is a strong word, like food and shelter.
So guess it’s a good thing to not be so desperate for it.
But it’s all good, I don’t seem to miss out on anything, world still goes around just fine!
WeWereInParis · 18/03/2023 17:38
If you has read my post, you would have seen that I just say this about myself - when asked why I’m not in relationship/talk about dating/brought anyone around
But you said that you say "honestly that I just don’t believe love is an actual thing." Which really doesn't sound like you mean it just about yourself. So even if you do mean it that way, if you phrase it like this, that's not how it comes across.
Thatdarncat4 · 18/03/2023 17:38
Oblomov23 · 18/03/2023 17:27
It's a very unusual view. To say you don't believe in love. Are you sure you are using the right words? what do you actually mean you don't believe in love? what does that actually mean?
Believe : "to accept that something is true without proof.
Of course love is true. Real. Most of us love, have been in love. To deny it exists makes you look stupid frankly. The existence of love is a fact.
Do you have any SN? Abused childhood? Because it is an odd view.
I don’t believe love has been proven to be fact?
More generally, a concept is something we choose to define in a precise way; a fact is something that is proved true. (B) Facts and concepts are tightly interrelated; concepts are things which are named and facts are statements which express relationships between concepts.
youshouldnthaveasked · 18/03/2023 17:41
I think you maybe need to be clearer to them that firstly it’s none of their business why you are single, but secondly if they must know that romantic love is not for you.
I can see why you got peoples backs up by saying you didn’t believe in love
CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 17:48
Oblomov23 · 18/03/2023 17:27
It's a very unusual view. To say you don't believe in love. Are you sure you are using the right words? what do you actually mean you don't believe in love? what does that actually mean?
Believe : "to accept that something is true without proof.
Of course love is true. Real. Most of us love, have been in love. To deny it exists makes you look stupid frankly. The existence of love is a fact.
Do you have any SN? Abused childhood? Because it is an odd view.
I often wonder if others use the right word when they talk about love.
I can re-call times when people said (about relationship) that physical attraction is a must, kind of like few here have mentioned lust, and I’m just left baffled on what that has got to do with love.
Someone I know broke up (and that’s their business) because of lack of sex - it was a while back so I don’t remember what they said excatly but it was something about no sex - no love no more.
So that love didn’t carry much weight, now did it.
Not sure hiw you can say of course it’s a thing, many seem to just say it, quite freely.
How is it an actual fact?
How is it measured?
Considering how the situations where it’s used are often pretty self-serving, what actual value it really has?
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.