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Was I really flirting or is this controlling

177 replies

Chayngednayme · 18/03/2023 12:43

Sorry long one. I am a widow and have been with DB for 5 months although we have been close / attracted for over 2 years now.
We went to the rugby last weekend; he had two old friends over to stay with him and I went along to leaving DC with a babysitter. To cut a long story short, over the day much beer was drunk and I really clicked with the three of them (I have always thrived in blokey company). But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great. I did notice DB getting quieter as the evening progressed but ignored it; I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.

By 9.30 I had to get the train home; DB insisted on walking me to the station leaving his mates in the pub even though I used to live near the ground. During the 15 min walk and 5 mins waiting for a train he proceeded to berate me for spending the whole day flirting with his mates and completely embarrassing him. I stayed silent mostly but at one point protested at something he was massively exaggerating and he shouted and made me cry. I jumped on the train without saying goodbye, cried all the way home and barely slept that night.

next morning I ignored his ‘how are you messages’ all day. He showed up with flowers on my doorstep at 7pm despite me desperate for an early night. He apologised quite profusely for getting angry and upsetting me, blaming it mostly on the drink but he made it clear that he still thought I had been in the wrong. I stayed silent despite him pushing me to know what I was thinking then excused myself as I needed an early night saying he could stay but really the best thing was for him to leave (he did). We haven’t spoken since although he has messaged and called; I have told him I am fine but need to think about a few things. He has said he is terrified of me calling it off and just wants to speak.

Some background: in the 5 months we have been together we have been incredibly open about our deepest feelings eg me wobbling all over the place about dating too soon and then having a major inferiority conplex about dating him (he is gorgeous, successful and rich and frankly out of my league). But during one of our chats he admitted he could be prone to jealousy and at the time I didn’t take it seriously as I didn’t think we’d get together much less that I could inspire jealousy in him.

so……should I be worried about this episode being the tip of the iceberg; has he has given me an insight into dangerous controlling tendencies? or am I being completely unreasonable and was I actually flirting badly and should have recognised this and can easily avoid a repeat by behaving better.

thoughts please. Thank you.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


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billy1966 · 02/04/2023 09:14

poetryandwine · 30/03/2023 14:25

@billy1966 The OP has not made any mention of children in her posts. Presumably we all agree that children should be protected from abuse but that does not appear to be the issue here.

"We went to the rugby last weekend; he had two old friends over to stay with him and I went along to leaving DC with a babysitter."

She CLEARLY made reference to a child and a babysitter in the first 10 lines of her post.......

poetryandwine · 02/04/2023 09:20

Sorry I missed that. I do think the focus here should be elsewhere than protecing children from abuse as we understand things at present however. One step at a time.

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