AIBU?
Was I really flirting or is this controlling
Chayngednayme · 18/03/2023 12:43
Sorry long one. I am a widow and have been with DB for 5 months although we have been close / attracted for over 2 years now.
We went to the rugby last weekend; he had two old friends over to stay with him and I went along to leaving DC with a babysitter. To cut a long story short, over the day much beer was drunk and I really clicked with the three of them (I have always thrived in blokey company). But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great. I did notice DB getting quieter as the evening progressed but ignored it; I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.
By 9.30 I had to get the train home; DB insisted on walking me to the station leaving his mates in the pub even though I used to live near the ground. During the 15 min walk and 5 mins waiting for a train he proceeded to berate me for spending the whole day flirting with his mates and completely embarrassing him. I stayed silent mostly but at one point protested at something he was massively exaggerating and he shouted and made me cry. I jumped on the train without saying goodbye, cried all the way home and barely slept that night.
next morning I ignored his ‘how are you messages’ all day. He showed up with flowers on my doorstep at 7pm despite me desperate for an early night. He apologised quite profusely for getting angry and upsetting me, blaming it mostly on the drink but he made it clear that he still thought I had been in the wrong. I stayed silent despite him pushing me to know what I was thinking then excused myself as I needed an early night saying he could stay but really the best thing was for him to leave (he did). We haven’t spoken since although he has messaged and called; I have told him I am fine but need to think about a few things. He has said he is terrified of me calling it off and just wants to speak.
Some background: in the 5 months we have been together we have been incredibly open about our deepest feelings eg me wobbling all over the place about dating too soon and then having a major inferiority conplex about dating him (he is gorgeous, successful and rich and frankly out of my league). But during one of our chats he admitted he could be prone to jealousy and at the time I didn’t take it seriously as I didn’t think we’d get together much less that I could inspire jealousy in him.
so……should I be worried about this episode being the tip of the iceberg; has he has given me an insight into dangerous controlling tendencies? or am I being completely unreasonable and was I actually flirting badly and should have recognised this and can easily avoid a repeat by behaving better.
thoughts please. Thank you.
Am I being unreasonable?
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OneMoreCookieMonster · 18/03/2023 19:22
Massive, massive red flag! Wow. He upset you so much he made you cry and then left you to travel home on your own whilst upset? It's not acceptable.
And why are you excusing his behaviour because he had a drink?
I wouldn't even discuss it with him at this point. Just end it before it escalates and get worse and you're further down the line.
Itsmyturnnow1 · 18/03/2023 19:33
MiddleParking · 18/03/2023 13:15
It sounds like you were both out of order tbh but him more so. I wouldn’t want a boyfriend of five months coming away from a first meeting with two of my friends feeling that he’d been in ‘superb form’, ‘held court’ and that they’d ‘clearly thought he was great’. I also wouldn’t tolerate a boyfriend of five months berating me, shouting at me or making me cry, for any reason.
This! Saying you were on top form made me cringe! Who were you performing for?! Also saying they thought you were great just makes it sound like you were trying to impress them! I’m not surprised he was pissed off as it all sounds a bit weird but he shouldn’t have shouted at you.
GoldenCupidon · 18/03/2023 19:34
You were making an effort with his friends (who I presume you didn’t know before) and it paid off as they liked you. If you didn’t think you were flirting then you weren’t.
he should be pleased you get on with his friends, and admiring you right along with them for being fun and knowledgeable. Why doesn’t he like it when you shine? He should be your biggest cheerleader not someone who squashes you.
I bet if you stay with him you’ll end up thinking twice before you relax and show your fun side again. Each time you’ll be worrying about him flipping out again. I’d dump him and tell him it’s because he doesn’t get to tell you off just for being yourself (or in fact for anything).
JocelynBurnell · 18/03/2023 19:34
Bloopsie · 18/03/2023 19:07
I personally would have kept by my boyfriends side and been neutral with his friends, i would expect him to do the same and not court my friends,i would be offended too, you are either commited to giving it a go or not.
This sounds a little controlling. Talk about a ball-and-chain.
No, I don't expect my DH to keep by my side for the evening and remain neutral. I am more than happy if he chats to my friends and he is even allowed to enjoy himself.
sunglassesonthetable · 18/03/2023 19:41
It’s ok for women to know when they’re being funny and on great form you know! it’s not a crime/big headed to be able to detect when they’re getting on well with people. Also drunk sports boys aren’t known for their subtlety.
" much beer was drunk" and tbh no one is known for their subtlety in that situation.
Drunk sports boys or girls.
Stressfordays · 18/03/2023 19:50
I'm having a similar situation OP and I'm going to end it tonight. I too, am naturally flirty and can hold court with men easily. I don't mean to be flirty but it's the way I come across usually. If they can't handle being with a girl like that, then they should go find someone more meek and mild. I prefer confident men and to me, jealousy is a sign of insecurity.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 20:15
Bloopsie · 18/03/2023 19:07
I personally would have kept by my boyfriends side and been neutral with his friends, i would expect him to do the same and not court my friends,i would be offended too, you are either commited to giving it a go or not.
🙄
Yes, being in a relationship means you have to suppress your natural personality, act demure, & keep by your boyfriend's side.
FFS.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 20:18
Itsmyturnnow1 · 18/03/2023 19:33
This! Saying you were on top form made me cringe! Who were you performing for?! Also saying they thought you were great just makes it sound like you were trying to impress them! I’m not surprised he was pissed off as it all sounds a bit weird but he shouldn’t have shouted at you.
MiddleParking · 18/03/2023 13:15
It sounds like you were both out of order tbh but him more so. I wouldn’t want a boyfriend of five months coming away from a first meeting with two of my friends feeling that he’d been in ‘superb form’, ‘held court’ and that they’d ‘clearly thought he was great’. I also wouldn’t tolerate a boyfriend of five months berating me, shouting at me or making me cry, for any reason.
There's nothing weird about hitting it off with new acquaintances & being on form. Why would it make you cringe? - are you unfamiliar with pub etiquette? Do you feel women should be seen & not heard?
JudgeJ · 18/03/2023 21:42
JocelynBurnell · 18/03/2023 18:28
You are coming across as such on this thread where you are an apologist for jealous, possessive, abusive men.
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:13
I'm a big champion for women, I'm not a big champion when there's been toxic behaviour on both sides but only the man's side is focused on as being toxic.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:11
It doesn't sound like anything of the sort, it just sounds like you don't believe that women are entitled to equal air time as men.
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:53
Na.
"But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great."
Definitely sounds like the OP with going over the top. There's a big difference between people thinking you were great and you ^thinking" they thought you were great. Putting words/thoughts in people's mouths/minds like that comes across like the op probably was a bit embarrassing because she has decided her over the top behaviour meant they thought she was great her mind...
If this was reversed, the guy would have his arse handed to him. But because it's a woman, the day of flirting and the ghosting the day after has been swept under the carpet because it's now all about the shouting, which is wrong, of course, but there's fault on both sides here. Jealousy can be horrible too, but it sounds like the op went way over the top to the point of unnecessary.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 13:41
Speak for yourself.
"Could be construed as flirting" is the key here.
OP knew she wasn't, she even made sure to keep the banter vanilla, & only started to doubt herself when her self-confessedly jealous b/f imposed his interpretation on her.
Conveniently, you omitted that from your sex-reversed scenario.
You'd have been more honest to start with "Girlfriend who has already admitted she is prone to jealousy ..."
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:28
If you reversed the roles here, it would sound like this...
Girlfriend takes her boyfriend along for the day to meet her 3 female friends. Boyfriend really hits it off with her 3 friends to the point it could be construed he was flirting with them more and more as beer flowed. Girlfriend gets quiet as the day goes on, but her boyfriend just dismisses it and carried on. On the way to the train station, the girlfriend calls her boyfriend out on the flirting and (unrightly) gets shouty. Boyfriend gets on train without saying bye then proceeds to ghost his girlfriend the next day when she tries to make contact. Girlfriend then ends up having to go to boyfriends place, but boyfriend more or less turns her away. Girlfriend then has her feelings of being annoyed that her boyfriend spent the day flirting with her friends dismissed as "ah she's just jealous, run!" and it all the focused gets put on the shouting to him rather than his behaviour before and after the shouting.
The drinking may have masked your perception of how flirty you were and who wants to sit there whilst their partner spends the day flirting with their friends! It's never ok to shout like that to your partner like he did to you, but the next day, you should have just replied, "I feel upset, we will talk later." Instead, you ghosted for the day, which is horrible and have left him scared and hanging on.
Sorry, but if this had been posted as a role reversed, the man would have his arse handed to him!
Or maybe the poster is far to fair-minded for the misandry that MN has become.
corblimeym8 · 18/03/2023 21:51
Stressfordays · 18/03/2023 19:50
I'm having a similar situation OP and I'm going to end it tonight. I too, am naturally flirty and can hold court with men easily. I don't mean to be flirty but it's the way I come across usually. If they can't handle being with a girl like that, then they should go find someone more meek and mild. I prefer confident men and to me, jealousy is a sign of insecurity.
😳
I really don't think it's jealousy to not want your girlfriend unapologetically flirting with other men
notforonesecond · 18/03/2023 22:02
Don’t make yourself smaller to keep a man happy. You are allowed to take up room. You’re allowed to be funny without having to make sure people know you aren’t usually. You’re allowed to be more interesting than the men the room without pandering to their egos.
Any man who makes you question your right to speak and joke and laugh and be confident is not one worth keeping. Throw him back.
user1473878824 · 18/03/2023 22:04
I think this is a major red flag to be honest. You’re still in the honeymoon phase, he should be overjoyed that his clever, funny girlfriend clicked so well with his friends. But he’s decided you were flirting and that embarrassed him and then berated you for it, trying to make you feel small. Fuck that. You sound great by the way!
bitingthedust · 18/03/2023 22:37
Everyone loves being a 3rd wheel ..... not? So tables turned, you are stood there like a spare part while your DB is chatting incessantly for ages to your female friends? He makes no attempt to include you whilst he is lapping up the stage? Enjoy that would you?
Someone had a power trip which backfired?
GoldenCupidon · 19/03/2023 09:05
LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/03/2023 22:10
I doubt anyone has ever found a soul mate in someone who makes them cry only 5 months into a relationship OP. Fact he is not backing down is an even bigger red flag.
This is very wise and I wish someone had told me this 20 years ago tbh.
Those saying he was left out - you know these two blokes were HIS friends right, not people she picked up with her slaggy womanly wiles?
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