AIBU?
Was I really flirting or is this controlling
Chayngednayme · 18/03/2023 12:43
Sorry long one. I am a widow and have been with DB for 5 months although we have been close / attracted for over 2 years now.
We went to the rugby last weekend; he had two old friends over to stay with him and I went along to leaving DC with a babysitter. To cut a long story short, over the day much beer was drunk and I really clicked with the three of them (I have always thrived in blokey company). But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great. I did notice DB getting quieter as the evening progressed but ignored it; I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.
By 9.30 I had to get the train home; DB insisted on walking me to the station leaving his mates in the pub even though I used to live near the ground. During the 15 min walk and 5 mins waiting for a train he proceeded to berate me for spending the whole day flirting with his mates and completely embarrassing him. I stayed silent mostly but at one point protested at something he was massively exaggerating and he shouted and made me cry. I jumped on the train without saying goodbye, cried all the way home and barely slept that night.
next morning I ignored his ‘how are you messages’ all day. He showed up with flowers on my doorstep at 7pm despite me desperate for an early night. He apologised quite profusely for getting angry and upsetting me, blaming it mostly on the drink but he made it clear that he still thought I had been in the wrong. I stayed silent despite him pushing me to know what I was thinking then excused myself as I needed an early night saying he could stay but really the best thing was for him to leave (he did). We haven’t spoken since although he has messaged and called; I have told him I am fine but need to think about a few things. He has said he is terrified of me calling it off and just wants to speak.
Some background: in the 5 months we have been together we have been incredibly open about our deepest feelings eg me wobbling all over the place about dating too soon and then having a major inferiority conplex about dating him (he is gorgeous, successful and rich and frankly out of my league). But during one of our chats he admitted he could be prone to jealousy and at the time I didn’t take it seriously as I didn’t think we’d get together much less that I could inspire jealousy in him.
so……should I be worried about this episode being the tip of the iceberg; has he has given me an insight into dangerous controlling tendencies? or am I being completely unreasonable and was I actually flirting badly and should have recognised this and can easily avoid a repeat by behaving better.
thoughts please. Thank you.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Willowtre1 · 19/03/2023 09:31
What jumped out at me was you saying you took care to keep it very straight. What does this mean and why? Are you typically a flirty person so you try and reign that in in any situation, or you try to with this partner as you know it's an issue? I can't really comprehend having to do this, because I wouldn't flirt. Me making an effort and getting on with new people, whatever their sex, wouldn't require flirting. It's just a bit odd, sorry. I would have a think about this, regardless of whether this particular partner is controlling/unduly jealous
Chayngednayme · 19/03/2023 09:52
Thanks for all your replies. He is coming round tomorrow.
it’s really interesting to read the critical posts - people who have already made up their mind and are twisting the facts to justify their view because this is exactly what he did. We were out the whole day but I was far from being centre of attention for the whole time. And yes maybe I was for the last 2 hours but at no point was he excluded; he just quietened whilst we all carried on quipping. But he accused me of being the centre of attention and flirting all day and cutting him out - basically throwing the kitchen sink at me to justify his annoyance.
i also cannot deal with being shouted at (crying is an involuntary reaction) especially when I was trying to respond to something outrageous he was saying. This sits very uneasily with me.
I accept these are all pretty bad signs (so early on). I am going to tell him exactly how I feel about the situation and listen to what he says. we will see what happens.
Chayngednayme · 19/03/2023 10:13
Willowtre1
I’m in my late 40s, widowed and trying to build up self-esteem. What came out that night was a bit of my old pre-marriage self coming through.
interesting / disappointing that the general levels of disapproval of gregarious females who get on with men have not changed in 20 years ….
redbigbananafeet · 19/03/2023 10:16
You nailed it in the last paragraph. He's showing you who he is. He's also gaslighting and manipulating you, he brought flowers the next day as an 'apology' but followed that apology up with a warning that he was still right, you were wrong and outlined the future behaviour he expected from you. That is not an apology. Run.
Blossomtoes · 19/03/2023 10:30
he just quietened whilst we all carried on quipping.
You “held court” and ignored him getting quieter in your OP. There’s no way I’d condone him shouting at you but neither of you is coming out of this well. I’d be really annoyed if my bloke behaved like you did - and that’s with the security of 23 years of marriage. This guy is clearly not the one for you.
5128gap · 19/03/2023 11:04
Chayngednayme · 19/03/2023 10:13
Willowtre1
I’m in my late 40s, widowed and trying to build up self-esteem. What came out that night was a bit of my old pre-marriage self coming through.
interesting / disappointing that the general levels of disapproval of gregarious females who get on with men have not changed in 20 years ….
Its not so much being gregarious that meets with disapproval, or 'getting on with men'. Most women get on with SOME men and some women, and not so well with others, depending on the personality of the individual men or women.
It's the making a distinction about 'getting on with men' that people can struggle with, because it suggests a certain type of personality or behaviour is required that is different from that shown to other women.
Im not sure how conversing with men you have no sexual interest would be any different from conversing with women, or why you feel it was the preserve of your pre married state? It's comments like that that give the impression you're 'different with men', and that's what people are reacting to I think.
CrapBucket · 19/03/2023 11:05
OP I just want to say that no one but no one is out of your league. I totally understand your self esteem issue and get the sense you can't believe your luck in getting together with this man. Now its even harder to discover he is JUST A MAN like they all are.
I am sorry for your bereavement. Similar but different, I am in my 40s and recently single after 20+ years (but by choice) and wondering if my pre-marriage self is still my actual self to return to, or am I someone else now. If I was dating the mid life equivalent of the most popular boy in school it would probably be even harder to work this out.
The sensible thing is probably to end it but there is a terribly non feminist part of my brain insisting that if he is very fit and rich its a shame to waste him 😉
corblimeym8 · 19/03/2023 11:42
Chayngednayme · 19/03/2023 10:13
Willowtre1
I’m in my late 40s, widowed and trying to build up self-esteem. What came out that night was a bit of my old pre-marriage self coming through.
interesting / disappointing that the general levels of disapproval of gregarious females who get on with men have not changed in 20 years ….
Op, how can you frame legitimate questions as disappointing and put a sexist spin on it? I've been that cringey girl who enjoyed a bit of male attention and being the only woman in the group. Equally would be annoyed if my bf did the same.
His reaction was over the top. If he thought you were being flirty or enjoying the attention a bit too much, he should have just said this isn't working out. Rather than making you upset. It achieves nothing good or helpful.
You both made mistakes here, id imagine.
corblimeym8 · 19/03/2023 11:44
Your thread title literally says 'was I flirting' yet you can't take any alternative viewpoints!
You may have been flirting or making him uncomfortable. You were probably a bit tipsy and got carried away.
He may have also been wrong in his reaction and made you see red flags. The two aren't mutually exclusive
Cantbebothered90 · 19/03/2023 11:50
This reply has been deleted
This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.
dollypartin · 19/03/2023 13:24
Chayngednayme · 19/03/2023 09:52
Thanks for all your replies. He is coming round tomorrow.
it’s really interesting to read the critical posts - people who have already made up their mind and are twisting the facts to justify their view because this is exactly what he did. We were out the whole day but I was far from being centre of attention for the whole time. And yes maybe I was for the last 2 hours but at no point was he excluded; he just quietened whilst we all carried on quipping. But he accused me of being the centre of attention and flirting all day and cutting him out - basically throwing the kitchen sink at me to justify his annoyance.
i also cannot deal with being shouted at (crying is an involuntary reaction) especially when I was trying to respond to something outrageous he was saying. This sits very uneasily with me.
I accept these are all pretty bad signs (so early on). I am going to tell him exactly how I feel about the situation and listen to what he says. we will see what happens.
Good luck!! ✨
sunglassesonthetable · 19/03/2023 13:28
I’m in my late 40s, widowed and trying to build up self-esteem. What came out that night was a bit of my old pre-marriage self coming through.
interesting / disappointing that the general levels of disapproval of gregarious females who get on with men have not changed in 20 years ….
Well, as you were the only one who really knows whether you were just being out going and gregarious or as has been suggested holding court in a monopolising and tedious way, you sound like you KNOW it was the former.
In which case case, ditch him.
Itsmyturnnow1 · 30/03/2023 10:58
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 20:18
There's nothing weird about hitting it off with new acquaintances & being on form. Why would it make you cringe? - are you unfamiliar with pub etiquette? Do you feel women should be seen & not heard?
Itsmyturnnow1 · 18/03/2023 19:33
This! Saying you were on top form made me cringe! Who were you performing for?! Also saying they thought you were great just makes it sound like you were trying to impress them! I’m not surprised he was pissed off as it all sounds a bit weird but he shouldn’t have shouted at you.
MiddleParking · 18/03/2023 13:15
It sounds like you were both out of order tbh but him more so. I wouldn’t want a boyfriend of five months coming away from a first meeting with two of my friends feeling that he’d been in ‘superb form’, ‘held court’ and that they’d ‘clearly thought he was great’. I also wouldn’t tolerate a boyfriend of five months berating me, shouting at me or making me cry, for any reason.
Pub etiquette? 😆 ohhh I didn’t know that meant putting on a little show!
McSlowburn · 30/03/2023 11:13
It's impossible to know if you were actually flirting as we're just going on your version of events.
It's him shouting (in public too!) that's a real issue though, to the extent that it made you cry. Plus he's been divorced twice!!
In other respects he obviously sounds like a catch, but a long chat is needed and I would leave if he does this again.
JudgeRudy · 30/03/2023 11:42
I agree with other posters that without being there it's impossible to say if there was cause for jealousy, however I think I'd be progressing with caution and if anything similar came up again, it's time to quit.
Let's assume you weren't flirting and was just as you say 'holding court'. If you'd had a drink too it's possible that you were coming across as a bit 'overpowering' or 'in your face'. You also state his 2 friends were 'clearly thinking I was great'. Are you sure? They probably found you amusing, but they might think similar of a someone flashing their boobs or setting light to their farts!
I'm not implying you've done anything wrong, but he might find 'ladette' behaviour unattractive. He's allowed, but if that's a part of your personality (when drunk?), it might prove a bone of contention.
I've a friend who's partner takes coke at most social occasions. Yes, he is quite amusing when he's on a roll, and he's a fun guest, however we're all thinking at times 'give it a break' and are all glad he's not our partner.
happysingleversary · 30/03/2023 12:03
I think the relationship has been characterised from here on in with you not being able to be yourself.
Life's too short for that. Maybe one more chance but only one more. May have been a genuine mistake but literally one more thing like that and you can tell him sorry but you enjoy living life on your own terms and are not willing to live it on anyone else's - unless you are?
You're not here saying you purposely flirted so you were literally just being yourself?
So are you okay with not being allowed to be yourself?
You're not and you know that. You can do better than him.
StellaAndCrow · 30/03/2023 13:47
user1473878824 · 18/03/2023 22:04
I think this is a major red flag to be honest. You’re still in the honeymoon phase, he should be overjoyed that his clever, funny girlfriend clicked so well with his friends. But he’s decided you were flirting and that embarrassed him and then berated you for it, trying to make you feel small. Fuck that. You sound great by the way!
Yes, exactly this.
I always worry a bit will my partner get on well with my friends - I'd be so happy if they got on like you did with his.
I imagine from you mentioning being on form that it's taken you a while to get back to being yourself since your bereavement. I think it's great that you have.
He should be pleased that you made an effort with his friends and got on well with them.
billy1966 · 30/03/2023 13:58
OP,
Please give Women's aid a call.
You sound vulnerable.
His behaviour was completely unacceptable.
He shouted at you and caused you to cry?
Do you have children?
Keep him away from them.
Twice divorced already?
Admits he's prone to jealousy?
So many red flags.
Truly awful behaviour from him.
Do not be talked around by him.
Talk to Women's aid for impartial advice.
Protect your children
They have gone through enough having lost their father.
Don't inflict an angry jealous man into their lives, proving even more stress and confusion.
This will not be the last time he inflicts upset on you.
His mask slipped, he is not a good man.
Your upset is justified.
Protect your children.
Put your children first.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.