Was I really flirting or is this controlling

[Chayngednayme]

Sorry long one. I am a widow and have been with DB for 5 months although we have been close / attracted for over 2 years now.
We went to the rugby last weekend; he had two old friends over to stay with him and I went along to leaving DC with a babysitter. To cut a long story short, over the day much beer was drunk and I really clicked with the three of them (I have always thrived in blokey company). But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great. I did notice DB getting quieter as the evening progressed but ignored it; I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.

By 9.30 I had to get the train home; DB insisted on walking me to the station leaving his mates in the pub even though I used to live near the ground. During the 15 min walk and 5 mins waiting for a train he proceeded to berate me for spending the whole day flirting with his mates and completely embarrassing him. I stayed silent mostly but at one point protested at something he was massively exaggerating and he shouted and made me cry. I jumped on the train without saying goodbye, cried all the way home and barely slept that night.

next morning I ignored his ‘how are you messages’ all day. He showed up with flowers on my doorstep at 7pm despite me desperate for an early night. He apologised quite profusely for getting angry and upsetting me, blaming it mostly on the drink but he made it clear that he still thought I had been in the wrong. I stayed silent despite him pushing me to know what I was thinking then excused myself as I needed an early night saying he could stay but really the best thing was for him to leave (he did). We haven’t spoken since although he has messaged and called; I have told him I am fine but need to think about a few things. He has said he is terrified of me calling it off and just wants to speak.

Some background: in the 5 months we have been together we have been incredibly open about our deepest feelings eg me wobbling all over the place about dating too soon and then having a major inferiority conplex about dating him (he is gorgeous, successful and rich and frankly out of my league). But during one of our chats he admitted he could be prone to jealousy and at the time I didn’t take it seriously as I didn’t think we’d get together much less that I could inspire jealousy in him.

so……should I be worried about this episode being the tip of the iceberg; has he has given me an insight into dangerous controlling tendencies? or am I being completely unreasonable and was I actually flirting badly and should have recognised this and can easily avoid a repeat by behaving better.

thoughts please. Thank you.

[Jengnr]

Run.

[BIWI]

This is his problem. He’s been open about his jealousy so this gives you the opportunity to talk about it. If you’ve known him and been friends for so long before being a couple, I’d give him a chance here - one only! - but he does need to own this behaviour, and you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate this in future. And whatever you do, DON'T APOLOGISE!

[WasIWasINot]

IMO it’s impossible to say. My DP can be incredibly flirty but he genuinely sees it as just hitting it off with people, but it’s behaviour which could easily misinterpreted.

if we went out for Ann evening and he spent the entire time monopolising the conversation I would feel excluded.

and if I then mentioned it to him and he got upset I would feel I was the one who needed to apologise.

of course it could be him, but it might not be. And it’s impossible for anyone who wasn’t there to judge.

[Keeween]

He sounds awful. Even if he did think you were ‘flirting’ (I doubt that very much!!) he’s already said he has jealousy issues and he ‘berated’ you to the point of tears. He’s not a good egg, get rid of him.

[Biggiee]

Hard for us to say. We didn't see you or see what you were like. We're you touchy feely, we're you ignoring your partner all day. Hard for us to say. If you did spend the time ignoring him and then being flirty he has every right to tell you it wasn't respectful. If it wasn't like that, and it was simply people having a laugh and jokes etc, then he's a potential 🚩

[Biggiee]

*were not we're

[WeCome1]

I think the problem is that he was annoyed over a long period of time. It wasn’t just one comment that he had an instant drunken overreaction to. The idea of him sitting there being pissed off for hours would be the problem for me.

[Maybebabyno2]

Nothing more unattractive than jealousy. It's a trait I could not deal with and this would be the end for me.

[rwalker]

I think you’d have to be there to be able to comment

but 5 months if for what ever reason u have doubts end it

[Popcornmousejump]

I would say it’s impossible for us to say as we were not there, but it sounds like he’s admitted you weren’t flirting and he got upset about your interaction with his friends as he was drunk?

[Totalwasteofpaper]

You know if you were trying to flirt.
Its not for him to tell you.

[Burgoo]

Five months and you are already delving into deepest feelings? Sounds a bit intense for me. It isn't like you have known him years or been friends before.

As for jealousy, for me it is a bit of a red flag if he engages in behaviours that are controlling. Jealousy in itself isn't a problem, as long as you keep it in check. It is simply an emotion. The issue is when the person isn't able to deal with it and then puts it all on the person they are jealous about.

I'd ask exactly what you did that gave him that impression. Get him to be super specific.

If you were even remotely physical with them (touching arms, leaning in too much etc) then that may well be a signal to your partner that you are flirting. You have to remember, guys seem to be much more prone to sensitivity when it comes to their partner's being tactile with others - they have evolved to be defensive of "their" partners. Not an excuse just an observation.

Good luck! Set out clear expectations of what you will and won't accept and get him to do the same. if you both can't negotiate this then there is likely no point continuing.

[MarshaMelrose]

Let's say that you did go over the top and he wasn't unreasonable to feel resentful. You didn't view that you did anything wrong so you'll naturally behave like that again. It's going to be a constant line of friction between the two of you that's going to cause you stress and it'll probably just get worse. Is that how you want your life to be? Find someone who appreciates your outgoing and garrulous personality rather than try to change yourself or your partner's jealousy, which is as much a part of his nature as your socially confident behaviour is yours.

[MiddleParking]

It sounds like you were both out of order tbh but him more so. I wouldn’t want a boyfriend of five months coming away from a first meeting with two of my friends feeling that he’d been in ‘superb form’, ‘held court’ and that they’d ‘clearly thought he was great’. I also wouldn’t tolerate a boyfriend of five months berating me, shouting at me or making me cry, for any reason.

[SadOrWickedFairy]

I don't know as I wasn't there but this bit form your opening post sounds rather 'show offy', maybe he thought that too.

But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great.

[Hohofortherobbers]

He's shown his true colours, see them and walk away. This will only get worse

[Biggiee]

@MiddleParking

It sounds like you were both out of order tbh but him more so. I wouldn’t want a boyfriend of five months coming away from a first meeting with two of my friends feeling that he’d been in ‘superb form’, ‘held court’ and that they’d ‘clearly thought he was great’. I also wouldn’t tolerate a boyfriend of five months berating me, shouting at me or making me cry, for any reason.

What's wrong with your partner being in superb form, holding court and your friends thinking they are great? Jealousy maybe?

Just because your friends would think the above, doesn't mean they want to rip his clothes off. That's 2 extremely different things.

[TidyDancer]

@SadOrWickedFairy

I don't know as I wasn't there but this bit form your opening post sounds rather 'show offy', maybe he thought that too.

But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great.

Yeah this is what I picked up on as well. It's impossible to say one way or the other as none of us were there, but I'm getting the impression you may have taken over and dominated the meet up which can be extremely annoying. Depending on how it was done I can see how this may have come across as flirty.

It's a very new relationship though so if you're having doubts I would just walk.

[Lostmarblesfinder]

He sounds very insecure. I always hit on really well and a really bantering way with blokes because I work and studied with them in very male dominant environments.

I’d never have tolerated that kind of feedback from a boyfriend or from DH because I would have known if there was anything behind the banter (which there never would have been) and if there wasn’t then I would not have tolerated being told how I had to act. Like it or lump it, this is me. I’d someone was insecure then I would expect them to work on themselves and not take their insecurities out on me.

[Tothemoonandbackx]

@burgoo Did you completely avoid the first few lines of her post????

[nutbrownhare15]

It sounds as though he may have been justified in feeling a bit neglected within the group. The rational response would have been to mildly mention this later on. However he interpreted it as you flirting with his mates and embarrassing him and that this justified shouting at you. Honestly I'd run for the hills. It won't end there and you will always worry about speaking to other men in his company in terms of what he will say and do later.

[Changeforachange]

Hm.
If you like this guy, and this is the first time he's behaved like a prick, I think it's an opportunity for you to set an extremely firm boundary about unacceptable behaviour.

You haven't tolerated it - you've shown him you're really fucked off by his reaction to you having a great day with his mates.

He's clearly cottoned on that he's been a wanker.

If you want to continue, you need a calm and very clear discussion that this is who you are, you will not be sitting there like a meek wallflower around other men and if he can't handle it, he needs to go forth & find that kind of woman.
Make it very clear that you will not be shouted at & and berated like a small child, and this is the first & last time it happens.

And go from there, but be vigilant for further wankery.

[nutbrownhare15]

His jealousy may well be the reason he appears to be such a catch yet single

[sonjadog]

So what if you were holding court? Are women not allowed to do this? Should they be meek and quiet and sit in the corner? This is who you are and an aspect of your personality, and nothing to be ashamed of. Dating is about getting to know each other. Now he has learnt something new about you, and you have learnt about him. The question then is, is his reaction okay with you or is it a sign of incompatibility? You should never be in a position where you have to make yourself less to avoid his tempers.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

But during one of our chats he admitted he could be prone to jealousy and at the time I didn’t take it seriously as I didn’t think we’d get together much less that I could inspire jealousy in him.

He sounds like the type of misogynistic arse who cannot bear an intelligent & witty woman taking centre stage for a while.

His apology was meaningless as he still insisted you were in the wrong.

YOU know you were not flirting.
YOU know you took care to toe a self-imposed line.
If you continue seeing him, he will take that as an 'admission; that you accept his judgement. He will be constantly tone-policing you & looking for new opportunities to control & berate you.

The fucker made you cry.
He shouted at you.
The very worst of it was the "embarrassing me in front of my mates". Ugh. You are not fully human to him: you are a girlfriend-shaped object who he feels entitled to insist on providing a behavioural script to.