AIBU?
Was I really flirting or is this controlling
Chayngednayme · 18/03/2023 12:43
Sorry long one. I am a widow and have been with DB for 5 months although we have been close / attracted for over 2 years now.
We went to the rugby last weekend; he had two old friends over to stay with him and I went along to leaving DC with a babysitter. To cut a long story short, over the day much beer was drunk and I really clicked with the three of them (I have always thrived in blokey company). But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great. I did notice DB getting quieter as the evening progressed but ignored it; I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.
By 9.30 I had to get the train home; DB insisted on walking me to the station leaving his mates in the pub even though I used to live near the ground. During the 15 min walk and 5 mins waiting for a train he proceeded to berate me for spending the whole day flirting with his mates and completely embarrassing him. I stayed silent mostly but at one point protested at something he was massively exaggerating and he shouted and made me cry. I jumped on the train without saying goodbye, cried all the way home and barely slept that night.
next morning I ignored his ‘how are you messages’ all day. He showed up with flowers on my doorstep at 7pm despite me desperate for an early night. He apologised quite profusely for getting angry and upsetting me, blaming it mostly on the drink but he made it clear that he still thought I had been in the wrong. I stayed silent despite him pushing me to know what I was thinking then excused myself as I needed an early night saying he could stay but really the best thing was for him to leave (he did). We haven’t spoken since although he has messaged and called; I have told him I am fine but need to think about a few things. He has said he is terrified of me calling it off and just wants to speak.
Some background: in the 5 months we have been together we have been incredibly open about our deepest feelings eg me wobbling all over the place about dating too soon and then having a major inferiority conplex about dating him (he is gorgeous, successful and rich and frankly out of my league). But during one of our chats he admitted he could be prone to jealousy and at the time I didn’t take it seriously as I didn’t think we’d get together much less that I could inspire jealousy in him.
so……should I be worried about this episode being the tip of the iceberg; has he has given me an insight into dangerous controlling tendencies? or am I being completely unreasonable and was I actually flirting badly and should have recognised this and can easily avoid a repeat by behaving better.
thoughts please. Thank you.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
sonjadog · 18/03/2023 15:36
Honestly, even if you made everyone in the pub be quiet and stood on a chair and held a lecture on your favourite colour, no-one, and I mean no-one no matter if they are male or female, deserves to be berated for twenty minutes and made to cry by their partner. So continue if you want with him, but don’t forget he is a man who makes you cry when he is displeased with you, not someone who discusses things in a respectful manner.
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 15:37
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:36
Withdrawing from toxic behaviour isn't toxic.
They don't live together, OP had good reason to avoid his contact for at least a day, & he knew damn well why she was avoiding him.
He refused to accept her withdrawal & bombarded her with messages, turned up uninvited, & STILL told her she was in the wrong.
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:23
Silent treatment is toxic behaviour.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:18
WTF?
What on earth has OP done that's toxic?
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:13
I'm a big champion for women, I'm not a big champion when there's been toxic behaviour on both sides but only the man's side is focused on as being toxic.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:11
It doesn't sound like anything of the sort, it just sounds like you don't believe that women are entitled to equal air time as men.
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:53
Na.
"But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great."
Definitely sounds like the OP with going over the top. There's a big difference between people thinking you were great and you ^thinking" they thought you were great. Putting words/thoughts in people's mouths/minds like that comes across like the op probably was a bit embarrassing because she has decided her over the top behaviour meant they thought she was great her mind...
If this was reversed, the guy would have his arse handed to him. But because it's a woman, the day of flirting and the ghosting the day after has been swept under the carpet because it's now all about the shouting, which is wrong, of course, but there's fault on both sides here. Jealousy can be horrible too, but it sounds like the op went way over the top to the point of unnecessary.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 13:41
Speak for yourself.
"Could be construed as flirting" is the key here.
OP knew she wasn't, she even made sure to keep the banter vanilla, & only started to doubt herself when her self-confessedly jealous b/f imposed his interpretation on her.
Conveniently, you omitted that from your sex-reversed scenario.
You'd have been more honest to start with "Girlfriend who has already admitted she is prone to jealousy ..."
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:28
If you reversed the roles here, it would sound like this...
Girlfriend takes her boyfriend along for the day to meet her 3 female friends. Boyfriend really hits it off with her 3 friends to the point it could be construed he was flirting with them more and more as beer flowed. Girlfriend gets quiet as the day goes on, but her boyfriend just dismisses it and carried on. On the way to the train station, the girlfriend calls her boyfriend out on the flirting and (unrightly) gets shouty. Boyfriend gets on train without saying bye then proceeds to ghost his girlfriend the next day when she tries to make contact. Girlfriend then ends up having to go to boyfriends place, but boyfriend more or less turns her away. Girlfriend then has her feelings of being annoyed that her boyfriend spent the day flirting with her friends dismissed as "ah she's just jealous, run!" and it all the focused gets put on the shouting to him rather than his behaviour before and after the shouting.
The drinking may have masked your perception of how flirty you were and who wants to sit there whilst their partner spends the day flirting with their friends! It's never ok to shout like that to your partner like he did to you, but the next day, you should have just replied, "I feel upset, we will talk later." Instead, you ghosted for the day, which is horrible and have left him scared and hanging on.
Sorry, but if this had been posted as a role reversed, the man would have his arse handed to him!
It works both ways though. The op may well have cause to not want to speak to him for a day, but she still owed him the conversation to at least hear out his side of the argument when both are calm and not toxicated with alcohol. The fact she has to come on mn to analyse her behaviour from that day rather than hearing her partners perspective is not the makings of a healthy relationship. When told sobar and calm, he may have had some valid reasons/concerns which the op should be listening to now rather than doing the silent game.
Chayngednayme · 18/03/2023 15:45
Sadorwickedfairy
I did notice DB getting quieter as the evening progressed but ignored it;
contradicts this:
I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.
We were out all day. He got quieter during the evening. What is your point?
poetryandwine · 18/03/2023 15:46
sonjadog · 18/03/2023 15:36
Honestly, even if you made everyone in the pub be quiet and stood on a chair and held a lecture on your favourite colour, no-one, and I mean no-one no matter if they are male or female, deserves to be berated for twenty minutes and made to cry by their partner. So continue if you want with him, but don’t forget he is a man who makes you cry when he is displeased with you, not someone who discusses things in a respectful manner.
This is an important post, OP. Even though I am not against giving the DB one more try but only if your heart is in it. You are perfectly free to bin him for any reason or no reason at all.
Chayngednayme · 18/03/2023 15:56
Can I ask you what his relationship background is OP?
divorced twice. He spent some time casually dating after the second split and was seeing someone immediately before we got together (he knew she wasn’t the one but she thought he was). He is confident, charismatic and good looking and has no problem attracting women. And this is the source of my insecurity - I have never dated anyone like this.
SadOrWickedFairy · 18/03/2023 16:01
Chayngednayme · 18/03/2023 15:45
Sadorwickedfairy
I did notice DB getting quieter as the evening progressed but ignored it;
contradicts this:
I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.
We were out all day. He got quieter during the evening. What is your point?
I was making a point to someone else @Chayngednayme .
You do seem a bit 'star struck' by this man, which I find a bit concerning for you. I wonder if, subconsciously, you were trying to impress his friends so they would sing your praises to him so he would know you were 'worthy' of him.
You seem to be putting him on a pedestal and judging yourself harshly against him, please stop doing that. Never think someone is out of your league or you are punching above your weight. They are not and you are not.
SadOrWickedFairy · 18/03/2023 16:04
Chayngednayme · 18/03/2023 15:56
Can I ask you what his relationship background is OP?
divorced twice. He spent some time casually dating after the second split and was seeing someone immediately before we got together (he knew she wasn’t the one but she thought he was). He is confident, charismatic and good looking and has no problem attracting women. And this is the source of my insecurity - I have never dated anyone like this.
But seems to have a problem keeping them.
Hmm @Chayngednayme I don't think he is all you think he is. His good looks, charisma and confidence will only carry him so far or hide the inner him for so long.
JudgeJ · 18/03/2023 16:05
Maybebabyno2 · 18/03/2023 13:06
Nothing more unattractive than jealousy. It's a trait I could not deal with and this would be the end for me.
But on this site it's OK for women to leap straight to LTB if a man is even perceived as being flirty with other women! Some women want the cake and the h'penny, as my mum used to say.
CruCru · 18/03/2023 16:05
Honestly? I have no idea whether you were flirting. And I don’t think it’s very important.
This doesn’t sound particularly fun - it should be. I rather wonder if your OP is (in a way) asking for permission to finish with this guy. He’s good looking / successful etc but spends twenty minutes shouting at you. Yeah, that would put me off.
Realistically, you are allowed to finish with your boyfriend for any reason you like. You don’t need permission or to justify yourself. In a way, I wish this was taught in schools.
Blossomtoes · 18/03/2023 16:09
If I went out with my bloke and he “held court” all evening with two of my friends I’d be pretty pissed off with all of them - him for doing it and them for encouraging it. I’m not jealous or insecure and we’ve been together for 25 years but it would still annoy me. It must be awful when a relationship is in its infancy.
sunglassesonthetable · 18/03/2023 16:15
If I went out with my bloke and he “held court” all evening with two of my friends I’d be pretty pissed off with all of them - him for doing it and them for encouraging it. I’m not jealous or insecure and we’ve been together for 25 years but it would still annoy me. It must be awful when a relationship is in its infancy.
Agree.
LLMS2022 · 18/03/2023 17:35
You keep saying you are insecure, yet you have described yourself as 'holding court', 'on top form', 'quick-witted' and have basically said that you THINK his mates were 'very impressed' by you. Oh and you also tried your best not to 'lead them on'- which sounds a bit cringey consifering you were sat with your boyfriend and I would assume was a bit embarrassing to watch particuarly if you were drunk. The fact that you said you were not leading them on implies you think you were being irresistible and in my opinion probably were flirting!
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 18/03/2023 18:02
BIWI · 18/03/2023 12:55
This is his problem. He’s been open about his jealousy so this gives you the opportunity to talk about it. If you’ve known him and been friends for so long before being a couple, I’d give him a chance here - one only! - but he does need to own this behaviour, and you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate this in future. And whatever you do, DON'T APOLOGISE!
Agree with BIWI here.
He's clearly old enough to understand and admit he has jealous tendencies - now he really needs to own those and not make it your problem.
I think if you can have an honest conversation where he admits the jealousy and you can be frank that he frightened you, and the last thing you want is a relationship with a man who frightens you, so he needs to control his emotions better, then you might be ok.
I think you're on the right path as he's apologised and clearly knows what he did wrong.
JocelynBurnell · 18/03/2023 18:28
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:13
I'm a big champion for women, I'm not a big champion when there's been toxic behaviour on both sides but only the man's side is focused on as being toxic.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:11
It doesn't sound like anything of the sort, it just sounds like you don't believe that women are entitled to equal air time as men.
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:53
Na.
"But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great."
Definitely sounds like the OP with going over the top. There's a big difference between people thinking you were great and you ^thinking" they thought you were great. Putting words/thoughts in people's mouths/minds like that comes across like the op probably was a bit embarrassing because she has decided her over the top behaviour meant they thought she was great her mind...
If this was reversed, the guy would have his arse handed to him. But because it's a woman, the day of flirting and the ghosting the day after has been swept under the carpet because it's now all about the shouting, which is wrong, of course, but there's fault on both sides here. Jealousy can be horrible too, but it sounds like the op went way over the top to the point of unnecessary.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 13:41
Speak for yourself.
"Could be construed as flirting" is the key here.
OP knew she wasn't, she even made sure to keep the banter vanilla, & only started to doubt herself when her self-confessedly jealous b/f imposed his interpretation on her.
Conveniently, you omitted that from your sex-reversed scenario.
You'd have been more honest to start with "Girlfriend who has already admitted she is prone to jealousy ..."
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:28
If you reversed the roles here, it would sound like this...
Girlfriend takes her boyfriend along for the day to meet her 3 female friends. Boyfriend really hits it off with her 3 friends to the point it could be construed he was flirting with them more and more as beer flowed. Girlfriend gets quiet as the day goes on, but her boyfriend just dismisses it and carried on. On the way to the train station, the girlfriend calls her boyfriend out on the flirting and (unrightly) gets shouty. Boyfriend gets on train without saying bye then proceeds to ghost his girlfriend the next day when she tries to make contact. Girlfriend then ends up having to go to boyfriends place, but boyfriend more or less turns her away. Girlfriend then has her feelings of being annoyed that her boyfriend spent the day flirting with her friends dismissed as "ah she's just jealous, run!" and it all the focused gets put on the shouting to him rather than his behaviour before and after the shouting.
The drinking may have masked your perception of how flirty you were and who wants to sit there whilst their partner spends the day flirting with their friends! It's never ok to shout like that to your partner like he did to you, but the next day, you should have just replied, "I feel upset, we will talk later." Instead, you ghosted for the day, which is horrible and have left him scared and hanging on.
Sorry, but if this had been posted as a role reversed, the man would have his arse handed to him!
You are coming across as such on this thread where you are an apologist for jealous, possessive, abusive men.
BellePeppa · 18/03/2023 18:39
It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or rich he is jealousy is a very ugly trait and it will impact negatively on your life in so many different ways. The more familiar he becomes with you over the years (if you stay) the more unapologetic he’ll be over his jealousy (and it will be your fault anyway for causing him to be jealous, in his eyes). As others have said - run 🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️
Mojoj · 18/03/2023 18:41
I would tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you were on great form, you don't fancy his pals and that's your personality. If he doesn't like it, it's his problem, not yours. If he takes it on-board, all good and well, but if he behaves like this again, it's over. No way should you be second guessing yourself or having to alter your true self to keep him happy.
JocelynBurnell · 18/03/2023 18:48
Blossomtoes · 18/03/2023 16:09
If I went out with my bloke and he “held court” all evening with two of my friends I’d be pretty pissed off with all of them - him for doing it and them for encouraging it. I’m not jealous or insecure and we’ve been together for 25 years but it would still annoy me. It must be awful when a relationship is in its infancy.
Fair enough for being pretty pissed off.
But it doesn't give you any licence to be abusive.
PeekAtYou · 18/03/2023 18:52
His insecurity is not your problem.
Unless you were sat on these friends laps or something, being the centre of attention is not flirting. He is being controlling - especially if you consider toning down your behaviour next time you're in a similar situation with friends.
This is a massive red flag that would give me the ick.
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 18:54
JocelynBurnell · 18/03/2023 18:28
You are coming across as such on this thread where you are an apologist for jealous, possessive, abusive men.
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:13
I'm a big champion for women, I'm not a big champion when there's been toxic behaviour on both sides but only the man's side is focused on as being toxic.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:11
It doesn't sound like anything of the sort, it just sounds like you don't believe that women are entitled to equal air time as men.
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:53
Na.
"But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great."
Definitely sounds like the OP with going over the top. There's a big difference between people thinking you were great and you ^thinking" they thought you were great. Putting words/thoughts in people's mouths/minds like that comes across like the op probably was a bit embarrassing because she has decided her over the top behaviour meant they thought she was great her mind...
If this was reversed, the guy would have his arse handed to him. But because it's a woman, the day of flirting and the ghosting the day after has been swept under the carpet because it's now all about the shouting, which is wrong, of course, but there's fault on both sides here. Jealousy can be horrible too, but it sounds like the op went way over the top to the point of unnecessary.
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 13:41
Speak for yourself.
"Could be construed as flirting" is the key here.
OP knew she wasn't, she even made sure to keep the banter vanilla, & only started to doubt herself when her self-confessedly jealous b/f imposed his interpretation on her.
Conveniently, you omitted that from your sex-reversed scenario.
You'd have been more honest to start with "Girlfriend who has already admitted she is prone to jealousy ..."
CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:28
If you reversed the roles here, it would sound like this...
Girlfriend takes her boyfriend along for the day to meet her 3 female friends. Boyfriend really hits it off with her 3 friends to the point it could be construed he was flirting with them more and more as beer flowed. Girlfriend gets quiet as the day goes on, but her boyfriend just dismisses it and carried on. On the way to the train station, the girlfriend calls her boyfriend out on the flirting and (unrightly) gets shouty. Boyfriend gets on train without saying bye then proceeds to ghost his girlfriend the next day when she tries to make contact. Girlfriend then ends up having to go to boyfriends place, but boyfriend more or less turns her away. Girlfriend then has her feelings of being annoyed that her boyfriend spent the day flirting with her friends dismissed as "ah she's just jealous, run!" and it all the focused gets put on the shouting to him rather than his behaviour before and after the shouting.
The drinking may have masked your perception of how flirty you were and who wants to sit there whilst their partner spends the day flirting with their friends! It's never ok to shout like that to your partner like he did to you, but the next day, you should have just replied, "I feel upset, we will talk later." Instead, you ghosted for the day, which is horrible and have left him scared and hanging on.
Sorry, but if this had been posted as a role reversed, the man would have his arse handed to him!
Absolutely not
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