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AIBU?

Was I really flirting or is this controlling

177 replies

Chayngednayme · 18/03/2023 12:43

Sorry long one. I am a widow and have been with DB for 5 months although we have been close / attracted for over 2 years now.
We went to the rugby last weekend; he had two old friends over to stay with him and I went along to leaving DC with a babysitter. To cut a long story short, over the day much beer was drunk and I really clicked with the three of them (I have always thrived in blokey company). But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great. I did notice DB getting quieter as the evening progressed but ignored it; I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.

By 9.30 I had to get the train home; DB insisted on walking me to the station leaving his mates in the pub even though I used to live near the ground. During the 15 min walk and 5 mins waiting for a train he proceeded to berate me for spending the whole day flirting with his mates and completely embarrassing him. I stayed silent mostly but at one point protested at something he was massively exaggerating and he shouted and made me cry. I jumped on the train without saying goodbye, cried all the way home and barely slept that night.

next morning I ignored his ‘how are you messages’ all day. He showed up with flowers on my doorstep at 7pm despite me desperate for an early night. He apologised quite profusely for getting angry and upsetting me, blaming it mostly on the drink but he made it clear that he still thought I had been in the wrong. I stayed silent despite him pushing me to know what I was thinking then excused myself as I needed an early night saying he could stay but really the best thing was for him to leave (he did). We haven’t spoken since although he has messaged and called; I have told him I am fine but need to think about a few things. He has said he is terrified of me calling it off and just wants to speak.

Some background: in the 5 months we have been together we have been incredibly open about our deepest feelings eg me wobbling all over the place about dating too soon and then having a major inferiority conplex about dating him (he is gorgeous, successful and rich and frankly out of my league). But during one of our chats he admitted he could be prone to jealousy and at the time I didn’t take it seriously as I didn’t think we’d get together much less that I could inspire jealousy in him.

so……should I be worried about this episode being the tip of the iceberg; has he has given me an insight into dangerous controlling tendencies? or am I being completely unreasonable and was I actually flirting badly and should have recognised this and can easily avoid a repeat by behaving better.

thoughts please. Thank you.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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JocelynBurnell · 18/03/2023 13:50

CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:28

If you reversed the roles here, it would sound like this...

Girlfriend takes her boyfriend along for the day to meet her 3 female friends. Boyfriend really hits it off with her 3 friends to the point it could be construed he was flirting with them more and more as beer flowed. Girlfriend gets quiet as the day goes on, but her boyfriend just dismisses it and carried on. On the way to the train station, the girlfriend calls her boyfriend out on the flirting and (unrightly) gets shouty. Boyfriend gets on train without saying bye then proceeds to ghost his girlfriend the next day when she tries to make contact. Girlfriend then ends up having to go to boyfriends place, but boyfriend more or less turns her away. Girlfriend then has her feelings of being annoyed that her boyfriend spent the day flirting with her friends dismissed as "ah she's just jealous, run!" and it all the focused gets put on the shouting to him rather than his behaviour before and after the shouting.

The drinking may have masked your perception of how flirty you were and who wants to sit there whilst their partner spends the day flirting with their friends! It's never ok to shout like that to your partner like he did to you, but the next day, you should have just replied, "I feel upset, we will talk later." Instead, you ghosted for the day, which is horrible and have left him scared and hanging on.

Sorry, but if this had been posted as a role reversed, the man would have his arse handed to him!

I believe most readers would still see the same red flags even if the situation was reversed.

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girlfriend44 · 18/03/2023 13:50

what a prat he is, hes jealous, instead of being pleased his mates and girlfriend all got on and had a laugh etc.

Tell him youll carry on the way you are and if he dosent like it he can get in the bin,

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Rosula · 18/03/2023 13:53

I don't understand why you stayed silent and made no attempt to get your point of view over. If you had, you could assess how open he is to considering someone else's point of view and whether he is prepared to acknowledge that you can be friendly with other men without flirting with them.

If you can have a sensible, non-confrontational discussion, it would also give you a chance to consider his viewpoint. Even on your account, I think we can all see why some alarm bells were ringing - the fact that you can only act around this around blokes, that you felt that it was rare that you are able to open up like this. You felt you were in superb form, but you'd been drinking: it's an absolute classic for intoxicated people to think they are incredibly brilliant and funny when the reality is that they are being the reverse. Is it possible that he had some cause for saying your behaviour was embarrassing? Maybe that results from what his friends said to him?

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CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:53

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 13:41

Speak for yourself.

"Could be construed as flirting" is the key here.
OP knew she wasn't, she even made sure to keep the banter vanilla, & only started to doubt herself when her self-confessedly jealous b/f imposed his interpretation on her.

Conveniently, you omitted that from your sex-reversed scenario.
You'd have been more honest to start with "Girlfriend who has already admitted she is prone to jealousy ..."

Na.

"But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great."

Definitely sounds like the OP with going over the top. There's a big difference between people thinking you were great and you ^thinking" they thought you were great. Putting words/thoughts in people's mouths/minds like that comes across like the op probably was a bit embarrassing because she has decided her over the top behaviour meant they thought she was great her mind...

If this was reversed, the guy would have his arse handed to him. But because it's a woman, the day of flirting and the ghosting the day after has been swept under the carpet because it's now all about the shouting, which is wrong, of course, but there's fault on both sides here. Jealousy can be horrible too, but it sounds like the op went way over the top to the point of unnecessary.

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Cantbebothered90 · 18/03/2023 13:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Emmamoo89 · 18/03/2023 13:57

BlackBarbies · 18/03/2023 13:28

This is besides the point but I read the whole post thinking DB meant your brother. I was so fucking confused until I realised that the B can also stand for boyfriend😂 I was so so confused.

Anyway he sounds awful, leave him

Same I thought it was her boyfriend 🤣🤣

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Emmamoo89 · 18/03/2023 13:58

Brother*

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marmiteandminticecream · 18/03/2023 13:58

would you of acted the same if their wives or girlfriends were there?
i think the answer lies there

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CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:07

Rosula · 18/03/2023 13:53

I don't understand why you stayed silent and made no attempt to get your point of view over. If you had, you could assess how open he is to considering someone else's point of view and whether he is prepared to acknowledge that you can be friendly with other men without flirting with them.

If you can have a sensible, non-confrontational discussion, it would also give you a chance to consider his viewpoint. Even on your account, I think we can all see why some alarm bells were ringing - the fact that you can only act around this around blokes, that you felt that it was rare that you are able to open up like this. You felt you were in superb form, but you'd been drinking: it's an absolute classic for intoxicated people to think they are incredibly brilliant and funny when the reality is that they are being the reverse. Is it possible that he had some cause for saying your behaviour was embarrassing? Maybe that results from what his friends said to him?

Very sensible post. Often when drinking people become more and more over the top and think they're on brilliant form, but I imagine if it was filmed and they watched themselves back when sobar they'd be really embarrassed for themselves!

Red flags here are:

1)Boyfriend waiting until the end of the night to say something so obviously sitting there seething a bit and boyfriend shouting.
2)Girlfriend flirting with his mates whilst drinking all day but maybe not realising quite how much after the beers/adrenaline was flowing. Girlfriend ghosting the next day which is such a toxic trait that I've been on the other of. Now if someone did that to me, they'd not hear from me again because it takes a minute to say "I'm upset right now but we will talk when I feel less upset."

They aren't compatible.

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poetryandwine · 18/03/2023 14:08

Hi, OP -

I agree with @MiddleParking that generally one member of a group ‘holding court’ all night isn’t a recipe for the best time, except maybe if that person is Barack Obama. And part of his charm, and sexiness, is that it is difficult to imagine him doing this.

In this instance you haven’t said anything that sounds like flirting to me and, importantly, you haven’t said anything that sounds like you were overly focused on the mates to the exclusion of your DB. If he were annoyed that you’d been a bore and no one could get a word in that would be one thing. But his gripe is based on jealousy even though he wasn’t being left out. That’s not good. He needs to know that this can’t happen again, and you need to mean it.

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CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/03/2023 14:08

I mean, obviously you will only tell your side and be partial.
But even just your own description makes you sound so bad!
I’d be embarrassed to date someone like you.
And break-up with you.
But I don’t have time or energy for attention seekers, insecurity nor lack of loyalty.
Why did you behave like that?
It’s just so sad to watch people like you.

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TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:08

FinallyHere · 18/03/2023 13:48

But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great.

DH tends to do this with people he doesn't really know very well or finds a bit boring. Not in a flirty way, but definitely dominating the conversation

I honestly find it very tedious indeed. I know all the old stories and think evenings are more fun when everyone gets a chance to talk.

I wouldn't be keen on his jealousy but honestly, you don't have to show off to enjoy an evening.

You're allowing your own irritation with your DH to colour your judgement.
Everybody DID get the chance to talk -
and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.

It's interesting that you perceive a woman being on top form for an evening as "showing off".

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Sapphire387 · 18/03/2023 14:09

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 18/03/2023 13:46

I knew as soon as I read the OP that people would be coming for you for daring to have the confidence to say you were on form and they thought you were great. How some women HATE to see another woman appreciate herself and want to find a way to knock her down, even if that means siding with a jealous bully. Have a word with all of yourselves.

If you've never found yourself in a social situation where you are the centre of approving attention and it not being a case of you flirting, maybe you're just dull not very amusing?

No, it's not that.

People who 'hold court' in social situations seem to think they are wonderfully funny etc, but a lot of the time, it's tiresome for others.

This is people of either sex - it's equally annoying when men do it, and nothing to do with wanting women to be meek or whatever.

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poetryandwine · 18/03/2023 14:10

Most of my own experience of people ‘holding court’ and obviously believing they are on fine form is with men. Very senior men.

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Doliveira · 18/03/2023 14:11

Depends how much you like him. You could explain the fundamental difference between Banter and Flirting. It’s all about Intent.

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TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:11

CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 13:53

Na.

"But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great."

Definitely sounds like the OP with going over the top. There's a big difference between people thinking you were great and you ^thinking" they thought you were great. Putting words/thoughts in people's mouths/minds like that comes across like the op probably was a bit embarrassing because she has decided her over the top behaviour meant they thought she was great her mind...

If this was reversed, the guy would have his arse handed to him. But because it's a woman, the day of flirting and the ghosting the day after has been swept under the carpet because it's now all about the shouting, which is wrong, of course, but there's fault on both sides here. Jealousy can be horrible too, but it sounds like the op went way over the top to the point of unnecessary.

It doesn't sound like anything of the sort, it just sounds like you don't believe that women are entitled to equal air time as men.

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TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:12

CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:07

Very sensible post. Often when drinking people become more and more over the top and think they're on brilliant form, but I imagine if it was filmed and they watched themselves back when sobar they'd be really embarrassed for themselves!

Red flags here are:

1)Boyfriend waiting until the end of the night to say something so obviously sitting there seething a bit and boyfriend shouting.
2)Girlfriend flirting with his mates whilst drinking all day but maybe not realising quite how much after the beers/adrenaline was flowing. Girlfriend ghosting the next day which is such a toxic trait that I've been on the other of. Now if someone did that to me, they'd not hear from me again because it takes a minute to say "I'm upset right now but we will talk when I feel less upset."

They aren't compatible.

Withdrawing from jealous men who shout at you until you cry isn't ghosting, it's common sense.

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Butterfly44 · 18/03/2023 14:13

Now if it was a guy flirting with two of his partners girlfriends for the evening everyone would be saying it's out of order and to leave him.

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CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:13

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:11

It doesn't sound like anything of the sort, it just sounds like you don't believe that women are entitled to equal air time as men.

I'm a big champion for women, I'm not a big champion when there's been toxic behaviour on both sides but only the man's side is focused on as being toxic.

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TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:16

Sapphire387 · 18/03/2023 14:09

No, it's not that.

People who 'hold court' in social situations seem to think they are wonderfully funny etc, but a lot of the time, it's tiresome for others.

This is people of either sex - it's equally annoying when men do it, and nothing to do with wanting women to be meek or whatever.

You're inventing this "holding court" nonsense.

I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.

All parties present were interacting & taking part.

Yet another depressingly predictable response from a woman tone-policing another woman.

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TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:17

Butterfly44 · 18/03/2023 14:13

Now if it was a guy flirting with two of his partners girlfriends for the evening everyone would be saying it's out of order and to leave him.

Sure, except OP wasn't flirting.

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CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:17

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:12

Withdrawing from jealous men who shout at you until you cry isn't ghosting, it's common sense.

It is ghosting. An adult in a healthy adult mindset would say, "I am upset, we will talk when I feel better." Then a conversation can be had when the situation feels calmer. If he then persists, you can ignore it because you have been clear. Ignoring someone for the day completely is what teenagers who lack maturity do.

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TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:18

CandleInTheStorm · 18/03/2023 14:13

I'm a big champion for women, I'm not a big champion when there's been toxic behaviour on both sides but only the man's side is focused on as being toxic.

WTF?

What on earth has OP done that's toxic?

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GreenestValley · 18/03/2023 14:18

To be fair, the phrase 'holding court' is generally not seen to be a good thing and has connotations of dominating conversation.

Perhaps it's a misphrase in the OP's post, but if my partner was holding court I would find that embarrassing (flirting or not totally aside).

It does sound like he overreacted though. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, but don't forget it.

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Sapphire387 · 18/03/2023 14:19

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 14:16

You're inventing this "holding court" nonsense.

I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.

All parties present were interacting & taking part.

Yet another depressingly predictable response from a woman tone-policing another woman.

I'm not inventing anything - she literally said it in her OP:

But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great.

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