Was I really flirting or is this controlling

[Chayngednayme]

Sorry long one. I am a widow and have been with DB for 5 months although we have been close / attracted for over 2 years now.
We went to the rugby last weekend; he had two old friends over to stay with him and I went along to leaving DC with a babysitter. To cut a long story short, over the day much beer was drunk and I really clicked with the three of them (I have always thrived in blokey company). But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great. I did notice DB getting quieter as the evening progressed but ignored it; I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.

By 9.30 I had to get the train home; DB insisted on walking me to the station leaving his mates in the pub even though I used to live near the ground. During the 15 min walk and 5 mins waiting for a train he proceeded to berate me for spending the whole day flirting with his mates and completely embarrassing him. I stayed silent mostly but at one point protested at something he was massively exaggerating and he shouted and made me cry. I jumped on the train without saying goodbye, cried all the way home and barely slept that night.

next morning I ignored his ‘how are you messages’ all day. He showed up with flowers on my doorstep at 7pm despite me desperate for an early night. He apologised quite profusely for getting angry and upsetting me, blaming it mostly on the drink but he made it clear that he still thought I had been in the wrong. I stayed silent despite him pushing me to know what I was thinking then excused myself as I needed an early night saying he could stay but really the best thing was for him to leave (he did). We haven’t spoken since although he has messaged and called; I have told him I am fine but need to think about a few things. He has said he is terrified of me calling it off and just wants to speak.

Some background: in the 5 months we have been together we have been incredibly open about our deepest feelings eg me wobbling all over the place about dating too soon and then having a major inferiority conplex about dating him (he is gorgeous, successful and rich and frankly out of my league). But during one of our chats he admitted he could be prone to jealousy and at the time I didn’t take it seriously as I didn’t think we’d get together much less that I could inspire jealousy in him.

so……should I be worried about this episode being the tip of the iceberg; has he has given me an insight into dangerous controlling tendencies? or am I being completely unreasonable and was I actually flirting badly and should have recognised this and can easily avoid a repeat by behaving better.

thoughts please. Thank you.

[Sapphire387]

Hmmm, I'm not sure. Why would you want to be holding court with two of his friends for ages and them thinking you were great? If the roles were reversed, would you like him doing that with two of your friends? It does sound like flirting however none of us were there so who knows? Your relationship, your choice, and if he's making you uncomfortable then you have every right to ditch him.

[BlackBarbies]

This is besides the point but I read the whole post thinking DB meant your brother. I was so fucking confused until I realised that the B can also stand for boyfriend😂 I was so so confused.

Anyway he sounds awful, leave him

[CandleInTheStorm]

If you reversed the roles here, it would sound like this...

Girlfriend takes her boyfriend along for the day to meet her 3 female friends. Boyfriend really hits it off with her 3 friends to the point it could be construed he was flirting with them more and more as beer flowed. Girlfriend gets quiet as the day goes on, but her boyfriend just dismisses it and carried on. On the way to the train station, the girlfriend calls her boyfriend out on the flirting and (unrightly) gets shouty. Boyfriend gets on train without saying bye then proceeds to ghost his girlfriend the next day when she tries to make contact. Girlfriend then ends up having to go to boyfriends place, but boyfriend more or less turns her away. Girlfriend then has her feelings of being annoyed that her boyfriend spent the day flirting with her friends dismissed as "ah she's just jealous, run!" and it all the focused gets put on the shouting to him rather than his behaviour before and after the shouting.

The drinking may have masked your perception of how flirty you were and who wants to sit there whilst their partner spends the day flirting with their friends! It's never ok to shout like that to your partner like he did to you, but the next day, you should have just replied, "I feel upset, we will talk later." Instead, you ghosted for the day, which is horrible and have left him scared and hanging on.

Sorry, but if this had been posted as a role reversed, the man would have his arse handed to him!

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@WasIWasINot

IMO it’s impossible to say. My DP can be incredibly flirty but he genuinely sees it as just hitting it off with people, but it’s behaviour which could easily misinterpreted.

if we went out for Ann evening and he spent the entire time monopolising the conversation I would feel excluded.

and if I then mentioned it to him and he got upset I would feel I was the one who needed to apologise.

of course it could be him, but it might not be. And it’s impossible for anyone who wasn’t there to judge.

OP didn't monopolise the conversation.
I was having fun and took care to keep it very straight - nothing remotely suggestive or leading them on and right up until the end he was interacting as much as his mates.

Everybody else was contributing to it too.

[MoneyInTheBananaStand]

He was out of order.

You say you weren't flirting or being suggestive and careful to keep it totally straight and I believe you

So either he's seeing stuff that isn't happening (which seems to be what's occurring with his exaggerated descriptions), or he's getting jealous about you getting on like a house on fire with his mates

Neither are remotely attractive.

[ThreeblackCats]

When someone shows you who he is, don’t ignore him. He’s a knob! I’d dump him. He’s a controlling knob. Massive red flag.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@SadOrWickedFairy

I don't know as I wasn't there but this bit form your opening post sounds rather 'show offy', maybe he thought that too.

But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great.

Women! Know your place!!

[Mumsanetta]

so……should I be worried about this episode being the tip of the iceberg; has he has given me an insight into dangerous controlling tendencies?

**YES AND YES. He told you he is prone to jealousy and then acted jealous. Believe him.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

or am I being completely unreasonable and was I actually flirting badly and should have recognised this and can easily avoid a repeat by behaving better.

This is giving me the heeby-jeebies OP.
You know damn well you were not flirting.
Why are you doubting yourself just because a jealous bully says otherwise?

& whatTF do you mean by "behaving better"?
5 months in & he's already got you contemplating ways to diminish yourself to retain his approval.
I guarantee he will try to control you further if you stay.

[MiddleParking]

@Biggiee

What's wrong with your partner being in superb form, holding court and your friends thinking they are great? Jealousy maybe?

Just because your friends would think the above, doesn't mean they want to rip his clothes off. That's 2 extremely different things.

Well, I don’t think any one member of a social group ‘holding court’ for any length of time makes for a particularly enjoyable time. But also, I think there’s a difference between someone being on great form and other people thinking they’re great, and someone reporting their own interactions as such. And no, that’s not jealousy.

[Merangutan]

I really do think virtually all people know when they are being flirty and - unless you are a screaming flirt which nobody has ever alerted you to before - the fact that you’re genuinely baffled by his comments, he has a known history of jealousy and he’s now apologising with flowers says it all. Touching others, complimenting them, making innuendos, hair flicks, sultry glances, all that sort of stuff is what counts as flirty. Simply having prolonged, engaging conversation as a group is not flirty.

You were all sitting right in front of him - it’s not even like his imagination ran away with him about flirty conversations that he wasn’t part of. He’s reading into absolutely everything and finding ways to make your totally normal behaviour something to be angry and possessive about which is hugely unattractive.

It’s much more likely that he was jealous not to be the centre of your attention and worried you liked one of them more so this was an attempt to provoke you into denial and reassurance. Again, his issue, not yours.

The fact that he knows he has jealousy issues but can’t control it even with you is a problem. I think the way you react here will set the tone of the rest of your relationship. Either you continue to make it totally clear that you will not have totally innocuous conversations policed / criticised by him and you won’t accept his outbursts of jealousy, or you fall into the role of apologising for upsetting him and then feeling like you’re on eggshells in future.

In short, he can’t hope to have successful relationships until he works on his issues. It’s not your role to be insulted and grilled about other men as a substitute for him engaging with other productive ways (eg therapy) of dealing with his jealousy.

[SadOrWickedFairy]

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

Women! Know your place!!

No, that is not what I am saying.

From what the OP has written it sounds like she possibly was 'showing off' trying to be the life and soul to impress his friends. I think the OP has self esteem issues from her saying this :

having a major inferiority conplex about dating him (he is gorgeous, successful and rich and frankly out of my league).

and was maybe over compensating.

Her boyfriend said her behaviour embarrassed him, none of us know due to not being there whether her behaviour was embarrassing or just her boyfriend being jealous.

[Greyarea12]

Hmm .. if the roles were reversed here he would be accused of using the silent treatment and gaslighting.

[sonjadog]

No matter how she behaved in the pub, no-one deserves to berated to the point of tears for 20 minutes on the way home. That is unacceptable.

[CandleInTheStorm]

@Changeforachange

Hm.
If you like this guy, and this is the first time he's behaved like a prick, I think it's an opportunity for you to set an extremely firm boundary about unacceptable behaviour.

You haven't tolerated it - you've shown him you're really fucked off by his reaction to you having a great day with his mates.

He's clearly cottoned on that he's been a wanker.

If you want to continue, you need a calm and very clear discussion that this is who you are, you will not be sitting there like a meek wallflower around other men and if he can't handle it, he needs to go forth & find that kind of woman.
Make it very clear that you will not be shouted at & and berated like a small child, and this is the first & last time it happens.

And go from there, but be vigilant for further wankery.

There's a balance between sitting there like a meek wallflower and going over the top by "being on form" with the flirting and thinking they thought you were great. It's not an either/or situation!

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@CandleInTheStorm

If you reversed the roles here, it would sound like this...

Girlfriend takes her boyfriend along for the day to meet her 3 female friends. Boyfriend really hits it off with her 3 friends to the point it could be construed he was flirting with them more and more as beer flowed. Girlfriend gets quiet as the day goes on, but her boyfriend just dismisses it and carried on. On the way to the train station, the girlfriend calls her boyfriend out on the flirting and (unrightly) gets shouty. Boyfriend gets on train without saying bye then proceeds to ghost his girlfriend the next day when she tries to make contact. Girlfriend then ends up having to go to boyfriends place, but boyfriend more or less turns her away. Girlfriend then has her feelings of being annoyed that her boyfriend spent the day flirting with her friends dismissed as "ah she's just jealous, run!" and it all the focused gets put on the shouting to him rather than his behaviour before and after the shouting.

The drinking may have masked your perception of how flirty you were and who wants to sit there whilst their partner spends the day flirting with their friends! It's never ok to shout like that to your partner like he did to you, but the next day, you should have just replied, "I feel upset, we will talk later." Instead, you ghosted for the day, which is horrible and have left him scared and hanging on.

Sorry, but if this had been posted as a role reversed, the man would have his arse handed to him!

Speak for yourself.

"Could be construed as flirting" is the key here.
OP knew she wasn't, she even made sure to keep the banter vanilla, & only started to doubt herself when her self-confessedly jealous b/f imposed his interpretation on her.

Conveniently, you omitted that from your sex-reversed scenario.
You'd have been more honest to start with "Girlfriend who has already admitted she is prone to jealousy ..."

[TedMullins]

@Sapphire387

Hmmm, I'm not sure. Why would you want to be holding court with two of his friends for ages and them thinking you were great? If the roles were reversed, would you like him doing that with two of your friends? It does sound like flirting however none of us were there so who knows? Your relationship, your choice, and if he's making you uncomfortable then you have every right to ditch him.

Why WOULDN’T you? No one should dull down their personality just because their partner is jealous and insecure. I know I’m very funny and like telling funny anecdotes in group situations whether that’s with my own friends or my boyfriend’s. Similarly if he’s hitting it off with my friends and everyone’s enjoying themselves why would that be a problem? Rather than sitting there sulking I’d join in, and that’s what this arsehole should’ve done.

[SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain]

He is a misogynistic twat. If any man I was on a date with shouted at me that would be the last he would see of me.

[Lostmarblesfinder]

@Greyarea12

Hmm .. if the roles were reversed here he would be accused of using the silent treatment and gaslighting.

Nope gaslighting is a denial of another persons reality. So for it to be gaslighting there would have had to have been actual flirting which the OP was now denying. She says there wasn’t, she knows whether she was trying to behave in a way such as to be sexually attractive to the other men, so he perceived flirting which wasn’t there. No gaslighting. It was a distortion of reality that he perceived.

[dollypartin]

You were having fun and sounds like you Al deserve it! Get someone who is happy to see you shine ✨

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@SadOrWickedFairy

No, that is not what I am saying.

From what the OP has written it sounds like she possibly was 'showing off' trying to be the life and soul to impress his friends. I think the OP has self esteem issues from her saying this :

having a major inferiority conplex about dating him (he is gorgeous, successful and rich and frankly out of my league).

and was maybe over compensating.

Her boyfriend said her behaviour embarrassed him, none of us know due to not being there whether her behaviour was embarrassing or just her boyfriend being jealous.

Of course we bloody know.
This b/f of 5 months has already owned the fact that he is prone to jealousy.

You seem to have a problem with a woman being on top vivacious form in mixed company. Maybe examine your internalised misogyny, instead of seeking to bring OP down to what you view as acceptable levels of feminine meekness & compliance.

[SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid]

@CandleInTheStorm

If you reversed the roles here, it would sound like this...

Girlfriend takes her boyfriend along for the day to meet her 3 female friends. Boyfriend really hits it off with her 3 friends to the point it could be construed he was flirting with them more and more as beer flowed. Girlfriend gets quiet as the day goes on, but her boyfriend just dismisses it and carried on. On the way to the train station, the girlfriend calls her boyfriend out on the flirting and (unrightly) gets shouty. Boyfriend gets on train without saying bye then proceeds to ghost his girlfriend the next day when she tries to make contact. Girlfriend then ends up having to go to boyfriends place, but boyfriend more or less turns her away. Girlfriend then has her feelings of being annoyed that her boyfriend spent the day flirting with her friends dismissed as "ah she's just jealous, run!" and it all the focused gets put on the shouting to him rather than his behaviour before and after the shouting.

The drinking may have masked your perception of how flirty you were and who wants to sit there whilst their partner spends the day flirting with their friends! It's never ok to shout like that to your partner like he did to you, but the next day, you should have just replied, "I feel upset, we will talk later." Instead, you ghosted for the day, which is horrible and have left him scared and hanging on.

Sorry, but if this had been posted as a role reversed, the man would have his arse handed to him!

exactly

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

I knew as soon as I read the OP that people would be coming for you for daring to have the confidence to say you were on form and they thought you were great. How some women HATE to see another woman appreciate herself and want to find a way to knock her down, even if that means siding with a jealous bully. Have a word with all of yourselves.

If you've never found yourself in a social situation where you are the centre of approving attention and it not being a case of you flirting, maybe you're just dull not very amusing?

[FinallyHere]

But by the evening I found myself in (very rare) superb form and was admittedly holding court with the two friends who were clearly thinking I was great.

DH tends to do this with people he doesn't really know very well or finds a bit boring. Not in a flirty way, but definitely dominating the conversation

I honestly find it very tedious indeed. I know all the old stories and think evenings are more fun when everyone gets a chance to talk.

I wouldn't be keen on his jealousy but honestly, you don't have to show off to enjoy an evening.

[Biggiee]

@herewegoroundthebastardbush

I knew as soon as I read the OP that people would be coming for you for daring to have the confidence to say you were on form and they thought you were great. How some women HATE to see another woman appreciate herself and want to find a way to knock her down, even if that means siding with a jealous bully. Have a word with all of yourselves.

If you've never found yourself in a social situation where you are the centre of approving attention and it not being a case of you flirting, maybe you're just dull not very amusing?

Exactly