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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

254 replies

TeePee22 · 17/03/2023 09:43

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

OP posts:
MrsRobinStrike · 17/03/2023 09:45

I really think that partners should support each other in what makes the other happy. Bar dangerous activities/infidelity.

You should do what makes you happy. 💝

Summerishere123 · 17/03/2023 09:45

Just do it! He is very unreasonable to threaten divorce over something like this.

Botw1 · 17/03/2023 09:46

Yanbu.

Do not back down

grumpycow1 · 17/03/2023 09:48

If he wants to divorce you over this then tell him to crack on! Please don’t diminish yourself for him. He may not understand it but if it makes you happy he should support you.

Sparklfairy · 17/03/2023 09:48

Do you think he's serious about divorce? Not that it makes a difference to my answer - which is do the competition - but I'm curious as to whether he REALLY hates the idea because possibly he's insecure/would hate the idea of being on stage, or whether he's trying to hold you back and control you so threatening divorce.

I don't like his language though. 'No wife of his' indeed. You're not a possession.

Hellno45 · 17/03/2023 09:48

You don't need his permission. You are an adult and make your own choices. Hecus being controlling.

28January · 17/03/2023 09:50

It sounds like he is jealous. He is your husband, not your parent, he doesn’t get to dictate what you do.

Mabelface · 17/03/2023 09:50

Keep going with the weights! They're so good for looking after your bone health as you get older. I've recently started with them and struggling for them to become routine as yet.

Your h is jealous that you're in such good nick and he isn't, so he can't bear the thought that other men may find you attractive. He doesn't get to give you permission on anything as he's not your boss.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 17/03/2023 09:51

I got a tattoo against dh's wishes. He saw the dressing and said he knew it was fake because I wouldn't dare get a real one.. Said he wasn't sleeping with a tattooed woman! Wish I had got one years before.
Exh now.
If I had the money I would have had loads of tattoos!
Never let anyone dictate what happens to your body op.

Cheltenbacon · 17/03/2023 09:52

This is actually the exact reason my DBro and his first wife split up. They were both athletic (he was a personal trainer and iron man triathlete and she was an iron woman triathlete and a model). She moved into body building and he found that it completely restricted any enjoyment in their lives, like an addiction that came before everything else and he found her physically very unattractive too. He told her as much and she ended the marriage.

Addiction, obsession and a lack of physical attraction are perfectly valid reasons to end a marriage. Working out, becoming healthier and wanting to do what you like with your body and feel good about yourself and perfectly valid things for you to want to do. Badgering him about his weight just because you’ve had a sudden epiphany isn’t nice either. It’s really about balance. Without having his perspective on it, it’s impossible to actually know who is BU here. Any man with three DCs who was doing what you’re doing would be getting a rough ride on here.

NoSquirrels · 17/03/2023 09:52

If my DH got super into bodybuilding and wanted to enter a competition to be judged on his physique I’d be a bit, hmm, well, OK then but do I have to come and watch because I’d rather not, thanks? but I wouldn’t be issuing ultimatums about ‘no husband of mine!’ etc. I mean, that’s the problem, right? That he thinks YOU are his possession in some way.

(If my DH got super into body building and it took up loads of time and general conversational energy and affected family food choices and all that shizzle I would be less sympathetic all round, but only you can answer if it’s actually a bit more disruptive and annoying than you want to admit and this reaction from him is a symptom of that?)

BarrelOfOtters · 17/03/2023 09:53

If he's generally not a dick then it's probably worth taking some time out of the house, just the two of you, to discuss this calmly and see what's really going on. He could be jealous of your new fitness, your PT, insecure...worried that you are going to move on from him...all sorts of things. You should still do the thing you want to do - but acknowledge his feelings.

If he's just a bit of a dick - then just crack on.

notacooldad · 17/03/2023 09:53

No wife of his
Did you tell him to listen to how ridiculous he sounds!!
Just shrug and carry on!

tanksgoggle · 17/03/2023 09:54

keep talking to each other…

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 09:55

tanksgoggle · 17/03/2023 09:54

keep talking to each other…

And saying "I wouldn't stop you doing something you wanted to do. Either you support me in this or you divorce me, but I'm doing it because I want to."

Blobblobblob · 17/03/2023 09:55

If he's got valid concerns he needs to explain them properly and leave this 1950s shite in the past where it belongs.

Tootsweets84 · 17/03/2023 09:55

Go for it! I wish I had the dedication to get in shape. I had a friend about 10 years ago who competed in a bodybuilding contest (and won) and it was a huge boost to her self confidence. Granted she had a supportive husband who was in great shape himself. It sounds like your husband is jealous because now he has a fit and gorgeous wife who could probably do a lot better. Of course he doesn't want the super fit men at these contests admiring you because it will show him up. That's on him though

NoSquirrels · 17/03/2023 09:57

If he’s “always hated your gym time” what have been his reasons? Are you minimising a fairly serious issue in your marriage, I guess? You’ve written most of your post as if this reaction has come out of the blue but it hasn’t.

Chickenly · 17/03/2023 09:59

You can’t enter a body building competition without hours and hours and hours of training, eating nothing but the perfect foods, doing nothing but the perfect routine and dramatically changing what you look like. The impact on him would be huge. I wouldn’t want to be in a marriage with someone who opted out of family life for hours each day to do their hobby - there are hundreds of threads on this site telling other women not to put up with men who do that.

The biggest problem with your OP is that you’ve completely dismissed how this does actually impact him. He has no right to stop you, he has every right to leave if you put your hobby above your family. To not even listen to anything he has to say and to completely diminish how you’re impacting him is pretty childish.

FruityLittleDrink · 17/03/2023 10:01

A friend of a friend does body building and the time and expense - £400 a bikini - is immense. I have the same opinion of her as I do of my other friend's husband who does ultra marathons and the other husband who is constantly training for Everest. It's fine if it doesn't leave the remaining spouse doing everything, while never seeing their spouse or the kids seeing their parent and while having no money because they are spaffing ££££ on equipment and training.

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 10:01

@Chickenly clearly she can enter in the position she's already in, with the work she already does.

She's said it doesn't impact her family.

Botw1 · 17/03/2023 10:03

@Chickenly

That would be Gairloch enough if that was his concern or complaint

It's not.

His concern is that his property will embarrass him

Lostmarblesfinder · 17/03/2023 10:03

I would be very interested to hear his perspective in this too.

Fitness can and does get addictive for some people and the training and food cutting for shredding especially for body building competitions can be extremely unhealthy especially for women who should have higher fat proportions than men.

I have a husband who runs marathons and I’m fully supportive. I used to run myself, but if he started training for unsustainable stuff that impacted other areas of our lives I l’d be concerned about it.

There might be something in what your husband is saying to you, there might not. It is difficult to tell from only hearing one side.

Chickenly · 17/03/2023 10:04

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 10:01

@Chickenly clearly she can enter in the position she's already in, with the work she already does.

She's said it doesn't impact her family.

Firstly, her OP says it will require a lot of dedication for her to enter the competition. She hasn’t said anywhere that she’s competition ready at all. Everyone trains like hell in the lead up to a competition, you’d look ridiculous if you didn’t.

And her DH clearly disagrees that it impacts their family - how could “hundreds of hours” not impact their family? Realistically, of course it impacts their family. If anyone here said their DH goes cycling for hours every day but he doesn’t think it impacts the family then he’d be given a talking to.

Chickenly · 17/03/2023 10:08

Botw1 · 17/03/2023 10:03

@Chickenly

That would be Gairloch enough if that was his concern or complaint

It's not.

His concern is that his property will embarrass him

It’s almost as if OP is giving a one-sided and biased version of events, isn’t it?

She’s completely failed to mention the huge expense, she’s said her hundreds of hours of training come from some mythical magical time that doesn’t impact her family, no comment on how it makes him feel to have his weight relentlessly commented on and critiqued and she admits he had issues with her gymming before the competition was even mentioned so if his only issue is with her being on a stage then what was his problem before?

As with other PP, I’d like to hear his version of this because I’d imagine it looks very different to OP’s version.