Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

[TeePee22]

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

Good points. I am quite into health and fitness and started off on the side of OP thinking she wasn’t being unreasonable, but after reading this and other peoples comments I think she is possibly BU and wonder if we’ve got the full picture here as to why he isn’t keen on it.

I’m not sure some people know how hard it is to build muscle, particularly as a 40+ year old female approaching the menopause.

I’m sure OP does look good but I v much doubt that even after 4 years she is like the super muscly stereotype of a body builder. What’s much more likely is it’s probably significantly reduced body fat and good muscle definition.

You have to be honest with yourself though and admit that if you do one competition you are going to want to do more arent you ? This is going to take even more of your time than it already does and i can imagine most partners would be unhappy with that.

LOL of COURSE he is jealous. Jealous of how good she will look, jealous of the attention she will get, jealous of other men looking at her, jealous of her becoming successful. He is sooooooooooooooo JEALOUS.

Everyone on here talking about how it might impact the family or DH .... she's said she doesn't let it impact them.
Other than OP probably being much happier in herself as a person as she is proud of her achievement and has improved her overall health and life.

If this were a man having got into shape and maintained it and then wanted to continue a sport to help maintain it and also to enjoy & celebrate his hard work and how he had changed his life no one would have an issue! How many men have hobbies v's women? The figure for men is a whole lot higher as they cut out time for themselves and no one worries about that.

OP you do what you want and what feels best. Too many women in particular curb their life far too much for others.

Congratulations on getting into shape!

@TeePee22 slightly off topic but what you have achieved sounds very inspirational. I've just started weightlifting classes earlier this year, three times a week. What is your routine and what are your top tips please?

(Can't imagine I'll ever want to do a body building show but I applaud the fact you will do and maybe if I work hard for four years, I'll have the body to consider it and change my mind too!)

Everyone on here talking about how it might impact the family or DH .... she's said she doesn't let it impact them.

Once again, she would say that. It’s pretty obvious that something so all consuming must impact on the family.

If his ONLY issue is you "prancing around in a bikini" then he is BU. But I tend to agree with other posters and suspect there's way more to this in terms of time, effort, cost and impact on the family.

Also, while I don't think it's fair to be embarrassed by your partner's body or interests, I think it's a truth that body builders tend to be a bit marmite - a lot of people find it extremely unattractive and unpleasant. It's not really fair, but it is what it is. I know that I have to keep reminding myself that the woman on my Facebook who keeps putting up photos of herself body building is happy and healthy and doing what she loves. Because I instinctively find myself thinking, "I don't like that". That's on me. I wish I didn't have that reaction. But it probably is pretty common.

I think it's reasonable to want to do this as a one-off. I have a bit of knowledge about what's involved in prepping for these competitions (not myself btw!) and it does require obsession and dedication. I think you should expect support and maybe a bit of excitement and encouragement for your adventure. I don't know that you should expect it if you go on to enter multiple competitions year after year. I am a (very amateur) runner and have signed up for my first marathon in the autumn - like you, I want to experience it and look back and be proud of what I did. My family know it will involve me taking quite a lot of time for myself to get the training in and I will be travelling away for a weekend by myself to participate. At the moment, my regular running doesn't really affect them but it might well do for the marathon training. My husband doesn't exercise and thinks runners are all nuts but is going along with it and I think is secretly proud - he's been telling people what I'm doing. My family might not feel the same if I started doing 2 marathons a year after that though! I'm sorry your husband is so unsupportive, that's actually pretty sad. I definitely think you should still do it though.

Have a look at Aneela Rose she must be late 40s even 50s and looks amazing. The guts who I work with who are competitive bodybuilders spend so long food prepping one brings 7 meals for one day I can't see how it doesn't impact family life but if it's just a one off I say do it. I had a bf once who said I had to stop burlesque dancing and I wished I didn't listen ad he became controlling in so many other ways after I did.

To answer some if the queries , yes freely admit I probably am addicted to lifting but for the mental aspects of it . I have ADHD and it’s literally the only time in my life I can focus and switch off .
I love feeling and being strong and the health benefits are fantastic.
Impact on family life wasn’t mentioned .. he was focused on my being apparently half naked and prancing around in public .
Im the only vegetarian in the family so I eat different meals anyway . I also eat small meals more often as seems to prevent my migraines . Bodybuilding or not I wouldn’t change that . It works for me .I still eat out , I just track what I eat and order plainer items off the menu ( sometimes .. other times I just have what I want .. I still eat puddings and chocolate just not every day food doesn’t control me anymore .. I decide what I need and want )
I am aware late competition prep is much tougher but I’m coming in lower body fat anyway so needn’t be so aggressive .
im also not going In to win .. I won’t be that shredded and certainly not dehydrated !!! ( I cba being that hungry ! ) As long as I look the best that I can be and I get a photo that’s fine
I also don’t like the women wearing heels on stage thing !
If he had mentioned this .. or any concerns about family / couple time I would have listened - addressed and taken on board .
But it seems to be the only issue is what I’m wearing on stage -and people seeing me !
In terms of training now I have a basic set up at home that I use when I can’t get to the gym , I also often train with the older 2 children who are interested ( and think mums muscles and lifting heavy things are cool! )
I get up some days at 4.40 am to ensure I’m back for school run then work after training .
he goes to the pub 3-4 nights a week where I’m expected to be at home to have the children , he has far more “ me time “ than i get
He has been on 3 / weekends away with his male friends in the last year , I have been on zero .
he can be a real arse sometimes .. and makes comments about men at the gym already but I'm quite shocked at this attitude to this .
I don’t want to end my marriage which is more important than what’s essentially a hobby .. but I don’t like the controlling jealous feel of this .

oh and I’m not picking at him for his weight … he is what he is and I accept that however the weight he is carrying isn’t healthy and his diet is also beyond awful . My main concern is ending up burying him in the near future because he has had a massive MI … not how he looks . If he just took some care over his health then that’s all I want

He means “no property of mine”

YANBU. Well done on your achievements so far and I hope you enjoy the show.

I was … it’s my day off .. I abandoned the ironing ! Bad meeeee!!!!😆😆

Everyone on here talking about how it might impact the family or DH .... she's said she doesn't let it impact them.

How can it not impact them? She's said she spends hundreds of hours on it on top of working, it's bound to impact on family life. Even without the current issue, it's leading to problems with OP's husband when she nags him about how he looks.

Sounds like you've got bigger issues than the competition

Threatening to divorce you as a way of controlling your behaviour is emotional blackmail.

You need to talk it through more.

If his complaint is actually that this is taking up all your spare time, then he has a point.

If his objection is purely he doesn’t want you performing on stage then he’s out of order.

You should not be ironing anyway OP What a pointless waste of time and energy.
You and he need to talk about what is important to you both. Really talk - away from your children. Talk in a public place where you will not raise your voices is always a good idea.
The only ironing you should be doing is ironing out what is important to you both.
It does read as if the body stuff is obsessive and perhaps that is what he thinks. He also needs a wake up call - that you matter too and criticising you for doing something positive is a negative thing to do and crushing

On what grounds is he going to divorce you? Disobedience? Screw him: he doesn’t get to tell you to comply with his wishes.

It sounds like it comes from his own jealousy and insecurity, hence him wanting to control who gets to appraise your body rather than seeing your athleticism as something to be proud of. To him, it’s not just fitness / sport, it’s something to nip in the bud and stop you doing.
He needs to have a serious think about why, as it’s his issue not yours. Is he uncomfortable with your confidence and independence because you’ve succeeded in something without his involvement? Or is it purely about people looking at you in a bikini? Or, is it you possibly meeting attractive male competitors at these events? Whatever his reason, threatening divorce if he doesn’t get his own way is not a mature response.

FWIW I think the competition sounds fantastic. I nearly entered one a few years ago and regret not doing so as my physique is no longer as good. It’s great to challenge yourself and set a concrete goal to perform!

You sound great OP. If you were my wife I would gently take the piss out of the fake tan and sparkly bikini, but anything more critical that that is out of order. I know quite a few women in their forties who are training for triathlons etc. and their DHs/DWs are nothing but supportive. Their kids are all proud and it seems to positively impact on their own fitness, motivation etc.

Go ahead and update us after the competition please!

@TeePee22 My son is a competitive bodybuilder in the Mens Physique category. I know how hard you have to work and be dedicated to do it. I have to help him shave his body and do the pre-tan spray before the show-tan lady does her bit on the day. I help with his pre-show shred and cook the ever decreasing range of foods he can eat.

But thats my choice and i enjoy watching him in the shows. TBH, the shows only attract fellow body builders so no-one is likely to see you at all who isn't into it anyway, unless you put your pwn photos on FB.

I would say if you aren't impacting your DH in terms of his lifestyle, cooking etc, then carry on. Do it privately and discretely and if he doesn't want to be part of it thats his look out. But do reassure him (as he obviously feels threatened by you being on stage) that no one you know will see you up there for the few minutes you will be. The rest of the time you'll be in sweats or a dressing gown!

Yes you will be dehydrating before you go on stage. Yes you will need to drop body fat lower than is healthy to compete.

I feel your Coach has completely misled you. For weeks before the competition, there won’t be ‘I will have pudding if I fancy’ or ‘ I will have that just order it plainer’.

Do you know where is packed after a competition? The nearest Nando’s. Because at that point, that feels like a luxury off plan meal. Most people just having so icky chicken and salad. And you can’t eat normal straight away. You have slowly add the food back in.

Your husband does sound jealous and a knob. But you sound completely naive to the toll this will take on everything. I also think you aren’t seeing the impact is having now.

You train first thing, do the school run the work a stressful job. Somewhere in the middle get a shower. Then after work, you will need to start adding in cardio. You need time to meal prep. You also need to make sure you are sleeping really well plus spending time with your kids and everything that comes with being an adult. That’s a really packed day.

If you really want to do this, then do. I get the adhd angle as I am the same. However, I do think you are blind to the impact it’s having and further impact it will have. It’s not usual in people with adhd to not register the impact of something when we feel we need it.

I should have added my son also has ADHD and body building REALLY REALLY helps with it, although he has hyper-focus so it can be very full on.

@TeePee22 Personally, I would be booking him an appointment with a divorce lawyer, and saying 'off you fuck dear...'