Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

[TeePee22]

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

In the end, you should do what you want to do and he shouldn't stop you.

BUT if you work FT, have 3 young DCs and presumably are training for hours a day, when do you spend time together as a family or have any meaningful relationship time as a couple?

I'd be unimpressed if my DH was at the gym for all hours and I was home alone and/or he was going to bed ultra early so he could get up at the crack of dawn to train.

It does sound like he's insecure and his language and threats are unacceptable but maybe your lives have taken completely different paths? Perhaps you'd be happier with someone who also trained and was into bodybuilding and likewise he'd be better off with someone who was a bit overweight and happy to join him on the couch with a beer and takeaway pizza?

@Chickenly

I'd imagine it does

Doesn't mean his version is right.

If it is just about the competition then YANBU, ignore him and crack on. However, I agree with other PPs who question the time and effort spent on this quest - is this really impacting him as you don't really go into that, which is fine as this post was about the competition but may be a consideration about how he is feeling and what he said.

It doesn’t mean his version is right…but without seeing any balance to the OP, we can’t say she’s right either.

I know so many women married to men with obsessive exercise hobbies - iron man etc. It consumes free time and destroys family time, and is very boring as a spectator sport to boot.

So from that pov, I can see him being at the end of his tether. If my ex had announced he wanted to enter a bodybuilding competition I would have eye rolled a lot! It's a bit too self obsessed for someone middle aged imo. That's just a personal opinion though, not a fact!

I don't agree with his 'no wife of mine' but probably would secretly be cringing like mad if 'a husband of mine' was parading round oiled up in a g string.

Having said that, I don't think I'd have stayed long enough for that to happen, so he seems fairly tolerant so far.

What will you do, op? I don't think you should let his views stop you, not at all! But I wonder if this is a reflection of deeper issues worth exploring.

@Chickenly

No.

But unless you think she's lying it's all we have to go on.

Yeah, if my DH tried this shit I’d enter every fucking body building competition I could find. Twice!

I think she’s biased and omitted vital information on purpose.

So he would be prepared to divorce you over this just because his colleagues might find out and mock him? He is unhinged isn't he?

OP I get the impression that the gym and the bodybuilding is the love of your life and your husband takes second place to it. Perhaps moderate your gym time and step up the family time?

Honestly, if DH wanted to get a fake tan, get a body fat percentage so low he looks like a raw chicken, cover himself in oil and pose on a stage, I would find that exceptionally unattractive. I flat-out would not want to be in a relationship with him. It would give me the ick. I’d find it self-indulgent and vain and completely out of touch with values and aesthetics I find appealing. That doesn’t take into account the money, the time and the restrictions that his body building would impact for both of us. If he insisted on it then it would end out relationship because the person I love simply wouldn’t behave like that. There’s nothing objectively wrong with it - I just find it desperately unattractive.

That’s not even taking into account how I’d feel if he suddenly started criticising my body and nagging me to exercise more.

You’ve unilaterally and significantly changed the dynamic of your relationship and think he’s BU for wanting to leave. He didn’t actually sign up to this. It’s not his decision what you do with your body but you seem oddly upset when he tells you what to do for someone who admits that they’ve consistently told him what to do with his body. And he can do whatever he likes with his body, including leave.

I think he is BU. If he is so against you doing it then he should just divorce you but it seems very drastic over what doesn't seem to be a big deal.
But if it does all encompass your life then maybe he is fearful this is a slippery slope to something else.

Anyway, I personally don't think anyone should dictate what another should do. And it's up to him if he wants to leave you or not.

you’ve worked hard & he should be proud of you & supporting you but maybe he is jealous or insecure as he is over weight? Albeit that thats his own fault? Maybe he is telling himself you’ll leave him anyway (for a big toned body builder) and its coming across in the way it is as he can’t actually express his feelings? Or he is a selfish dick.

Either way it’s your body & your choice & if he is genuinely willing to divorce you over it i’d tell him to get on with it as you can’t let him control what you do or don’t do. I don’t think my husband would like me to do something like that but i also think he would never try to stop me from doing something which was important to me. Go for it and don’t him pressure you not to

This is the primary reason I'm divorced.

My ex followed a similar route from an average size and not particulaely fit, but happy and fun, to gym and diet obsessed. She completely checked out of family life, wouldn't eat with us as it messed with her 6 meal a day schedule. Would only come on a family day out if she could pre pack her food, and then was grumpy all day as she was missing workouts.

Her PT was pushing her towards competing and she was spending an absolute fortune on clothing, fake tan, supplements and food.

Out of support I went to watch a comp with her and it was pretty awful. People so fake tanned and so dehydrated they looked like some bizarre tree people. All the woman in tiny bikinis and high heels. No high heels on the men I noticed!

Anyway, she's now a distant ex thank fuck.

Go for a long walk and have the ‘what is this really about?’ Conversation?

In the end, he might be nothing more than a jealous controlling dickhead. But before the situation goes nuclear it might be worth finding out if he has feelings about the marriage, his own confidence, your transformation, family life etc.
And it might help to talk calmly with him about the changes, other than muscular, that you feel your gym regime has brought to you. And whatever the outcome and decision you might both learn something.

When a parent makes a choice the only situations I would feel a partner had a right to a say in my choice of activity would be is it dangerous, does it bring any risk to my children?

Do it! You worked hard and earned your day. Image the future having a wobble of confidence and taking that picture out remembering " I did that" .

I think you should do the show. The only time I would make a fuss about my DH doing something to this level would be if it was actually dangerous and I think it might kill him! Time commitment, we’d work it through. Money, he’d be paying for it but I might help. He sounds petty and jealous.

Really though? If your DH wanted to spend every weekend from 7am on Saturday until 10pm on Sunday on a cycling trip costing £500 per week, you’d go “well, it’s not dangerous and the kids aren’t at risk so crack on”?

Wow this is a hard one. He doesn’t like it because you will be in a bikini on stage not due to the impact it has on the family. He is insecure. It isn’t a concern for you or family so I think he is being a dick. But…

It will impact him and the family. I say this as someone who has been a competitor and has many friends who have done it or used to it. There’s absolutely no way you can be stage easy all the time. Even for the older ranges or athletic range.

getting stage ready is a year round commitment. And the weeks leading to competition are brutal. The days before are awful. Competitors lives become entirely focused on the competition. What’s eaten, what’s drank. Making sure you dehydrate the day before. Body fat so low it’s in dangerous territory. People who are almost stage ready, tend to have the focus on food fitness above all else. Body building competitions are full of people with orthorexia who are convinced they are just being healthy.

Maybe you are the unicorn. A woman who easily drops body fat, whose body easily shows definition with a lot less effort than everyone else needs to put in. But more likely, it’s taking more focus and effort than you realise or are willing to admit.

I have seen many relationships end, due to one’s person obsession with competitions. Both men and women. The one doing them often doesn’t realise the impact.

If Dp, decides to do competitions again (he did when younger) I wouldn’t want a relationship with him. Having experienced it, it’s not for me.

He’s being unreasonable, nasty and bonkers - what is his problem?!?!

Don’t give in.

Have a great day in your sparkly bikini

If you ever decide to loose more weight sounds like there’s 14 stone you could loose 😁

When do you currently train and for how long?

How much extra time will competing require from you?

I'm just asking as it comes across to me as if it could have a pretty big impact on your available time, could that be the main issue for him rather than the reasons he is giving?

She would, wouldn’t she? I’d love to hear her husband’s side of this.

I don’t think the OP is coming back. In fact, I wonder if it’s a good faith post at all.

I don’t buy it. You know why he’s against it but you wanted to skew the vote in your favour by making him out to be a controlling, sexist arsehole.

He’s opposed to it because:

• It’s expensive
• It’s time-consuming
• It’s a daily commitment you’ll prioritise above your family
• It restricts the food you can eat and that impacts your family
• It becomes a boring compulsion you won’t stop talking about
• It’s objectively a very unattractive “look”
• It’s another step into a world that’s convinced you it’s acceptable to criticise him.
• It’s a crux for low self-esteem rather than actually tackling that problem.
• Many elements of body building are very bad for your health.

Am I missing anything? I’m absolutely certain that, if he wrote a post, he’d give very valid reasons why he wants to leave that don’t talk about “no wife of mine” (by the way, he clearly didn’t say that because you’ve explicitly said which part was a direct quote and which part isn’t but you thought you’d throw in the “no wife of mine” line because it makes him look sexist even though he never actually said it…).

If you want honest answers then you need to give a more honest OP - if you want to be told he’s definitely wrong so you can feel self-righteous in destroying your marriage then you’ve done what you intended to do.

This