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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

254 replies

TeePee22 · 17/03/2023 09:43

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

OP posts:
Original poster
TeePee22 · 18/03/2023 07:51

To answer some queries again
I haven’t name changed , I pulled an extra shift last night as my dept was short staffed ( nothing changes there )
Im natural and planning to compete in a drug tested fed
i certainly haven’t lied as some posters have insinuated, has he been “funny “ about my training prior to this ? Yes ! Apparently I’m pathetic at my age and he comments on men who like to “pull “ older women at the gym for sport .
he cannot understand I go there stick my headphones in and don’t think or talk to a soul for an hour it’s not a social occasion , it’s work . It’s also a bodybuilding gym , everyone there is far too obsessed with themselves
Im being totally honest when put in direct quotations of what was said , when I mentioned a competition he asked what I would be wearing .. bikini .. and he blew up with the above comments . Nothing mentioned about time , money , etc .
I do spend money on it but I l believe less than his hobby of mini breaks and pub trips .
But again thank you for taking the time to comment , I do have lots to think about .
I'm going to go through prep , I might decide I hate it , I might decide I want to quit but that’s my choice . At the end of it if I want to compete I’m going to do it , if not I might do a nice photoshoot and look at my photos occasionally thinking eeeeee look what I managed it do . 👍

OP posts:
Donnashair · 18/03/2023 08:03

TeePee22 · 18/03/2023 07:51

To answer some queries again
I haven’t name changed , I pulled an extra shift last night as my dept was short staffed ( nothing changes there )
Im natural and planning to compete in a drug tested fed
i certainly haven’t lied as some posters have insinuated, has he been “funny “ about my training prior to this ? Yes ! Apparently I’m pathetic at my age and he comments on men who like to “pull “ older women at the gym for sport .
he cannot understand I go there stick my headphones in and don’t think or talk to a soul for an hour it’s not a social occasion , it’s work . It’s also a bodybuilding gym , everyone there is far too obsessed with themselves
Im being totally honest when put in direct quotations of what was said , when I mentioned a competition he asked what I would be wearing .. bikini .. and he blew up with the above comments . Nothing mentioned about time , money , etc .
I do spend money on it but I l believe less than his hobby of mini breaks and pub trips .
But again thank you for taking the time to comment , I do have lots to think about .
I'm going to go through prep , I might decide I hate it , I might decide I want to quit but that’s my choice . At the end of it if I want to compete I’m going to do it , if not I might do a nice photoshoot and look at my photos occasionally thinking eeeeee look what I managed it do . 👍

I think a photo shoot would be a good idea wether you compete or not.

Honestly, a good photographer that specialises in fitness is a must! That is something I would highly recommend.

it also really has non of competing downsides. Despite what some posters believe, there’s huge ones. Including huge impacts to mental health. Especially, for people like us with adhd.

I really think you should look into that, anyway.

Just to reiterate, my comments about comps, don’t mean I don’t think you husband is reasonable. If his only objection is based on his insecurity, then he is being a dick. But, assuming you want to stay married, I would try and talk about it when less emotive and see if that’s really his only objection. Sometimes, we react and say things that aren’t really indicative of what our issue is. We might have genuine concerns, then something small tips us over the edge and we make a big deal about that, when it’s not really about that.

Of course he could just be a dick. If he is just a dick, then I think you need to really think about the future of the marriage.

WinterDeWinter · 18/03/2023 10:15

Luckyluv · 17/03/2023 12:11

I'm trying to think a bit wider and challenge myself on how I'd feel if my DH lost loads of weight, and started getting into ballet. To the point where he wanted to do a ballet competition and have lots of pictures taken of him jumping in the air in a leotard to put on social media.

Being completely honest, I'd struggle with it.

DH and I are both pretty lazy and overweight, I could imagine that if DH started to get into the gym heavily it might put a bit of a strain on our marriage. Just because it would change alot of aspects - e.g if he became health obsessed well there goes our cosy'ing up on the sofa with a Chinese on a Friday night. I do see how one person in a relationship making a huge lifestyle change can threaten a relationship.

I love my DH so I'm sure my marriage would survive but I guess I would go through a period of confusion, rejection, hurt, fear, and doubt and I'm sure we'd grapple with how to find a balance.

But also if my DH went from being one sort of a person to an entirely different sort of person - I would have to question whether we'd simply grown apart. Because I know I wouldn't have married a body builder. It's just not my thing.

So while I don't think you're wrong to pursue your interests, and I don't agree with how he's spoken to you about it - I can see that it does or can bring up real make or break conversations where it doesn't simply boil down to 'my DH doesn't support me and won't work out with me therefore he's a selfish prick, isn't he?' type of straightforward response. It's more nuanced than that.

I think this slightly downplays the structural patriarchy stuff - he's not 'forbidding' her in a vacuum, after all - but other than that I thought this was such a great post - careful thinking, and the very opposite of a knee jerk reaction.

Daverl1980 · 03/04/2023 19:24

Any update ?

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