Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

[TeePee22]

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

He IS a controlling dickhead. And an overweight one at that.

Good for you for following something you're passionate about.

Maybe point out to him that if he divorces you, he'll be looking after 3 kids for 50% of the time...

Also if you're pre-menopsausal you are not an 'advanced age'!! Did he tell you that too?

Do it.

He’s nothing more than a pathetic, threatened, inadequate little twerp, using vile threats to try to keep you in your box. Fuck him.

@Cheltenbacon other half does take part in bodybuilding, iron man, I do a bit of climbing, rowing and odd marathon. So we have a reasonable idea of the commitment it takes, thanks.

We organise reliable childcare where necessary and we crack on being the happiest, healthiest version of ourselves to be the best parents we can be. It also means we have the energy and want to engage in activities with the children.

Each to their own. Perhaps if a couple both don't have similar passions then it is an issue but in our case we work on scheduling and it isn't an issue. Sometimes I cover more other times he does.

Your body fat is lower than whose? No one, who seriously, wants to do comps this year is going into it from a place where they have high percentage of body fat.

A previous mini cut, isn’t anywhere near the same. I suspect your mini cut showed what impact this will have on everyone else.

You seem to think your body is almost comp ready from a mini cut and your year round schedule. That takes a huge amount of work. To be very close to comp ready.

To me in that condition takes a level of commitment that will be impacting the family life and routine. As you said, you are obsessed.

I think you should do this. Because you will always wonder. But I think you don’t have a clue about how hard it’s going to be. I also think your obsession makes you block out the impact.

I also think you could be going into orthorexia. It’s hugely common for people who had issues controlling food intake, to turn to exercise and become obsessed. The lack of control around food becomes an obsession with health’s and exercise. The problem hasn’t been tackled. The focus has shifted. You see it the other way. People who were suffering through anorexia. Take up body building and comps. The look better as they have muscle. But they haven’t tackled the issues around anorexia.I don’t want to sound awful. I am speaking out of concern.

I did comps, I had a fitness business, I was right in the middle of the UK comp scene. It’s not pleasant and rarely helps anyone’s self esteem.

I wouldn’t like this. My friends husband competes and it impacts their whole life; all food is weighed, discussed, debated, no casual meals out or take aways, no spontaneous family days, family meals, sex life has suffered, availability to help with DC is next to nothing, money spent on this hobby is insane, he’s incapable of discussing anything but food or weights. It has a massive family impact.

That's definitely something that is overlooked...how BORING it is. It becomes all encompassing. All my DH talks about is the gym and food. Not just the miserable food that he has to eat just now but all this fantasy food that he's going to eat in 6 weeks. Yawnnnn.

I'd tell him to fuck off.

Controlling arsehole.

He sounds like a nob TBH.

There's a few reasons to not really like/want bodybuilding like the health issues that weight cutting can bring, the propensity of steroid use across the industry, the damage to the body it can cause but these are health concerns which I'd completely understand him wanting to talk through like normal adults, but his points? No, he's a combination of jealous and a bit of a sad sack by the sounds of it

Well said.

He's a dick. Do what you like.
I see it like this:
You've put in a lot of work on your body - admirable.
Time is passing. You'll never be this young again - do it now.
It's only reasonable to take/make the opportunities you want in life.

The question is would you hold your partner back if he wanted to be sprayed orange and walk around in sparkly speedos?

I can't hold people back I support my loved ones and vice versa. You live one life and then you're dead have fun and enjoy life. Can you imagine in your obituary what they would say about you I have to do one for my mum should I say she was controlled by my father because he didn't want to do it so she shouldn't? What a miserable existence.

First of all, well done OP on making such a massive change to your life, that’s seriously a huge achivement and if I was your partner I’d be so proud of you.

Secondly, I’m not sure why so many posters are going to great lengths to point out how unattractive competing body builders look. Yes, it’s not the most attractive look in the world, but so what? Why must everything revolve around being sexually pleasing? Who gives a fuck if you’ll be ‘less conventionally attractive’ for a few hours whilst pumped up and wearing a dark tan?? I really can’t understand why that’s even an issue.

As others are pointing out, if this was about you being away from family, obsessive etc, I’d understand, but you’ve said yourself you husband has more down time than you already, and he spends his at the pub drinking booze and making himself less conventionally attractive, but apparently that’s note worth of comment for some reason! However, as his issue is more down to being jealous and controling, he’s being a prick. You aren’t his property, you don’t exist for his pleasure. I’d go for it if I were you, if he wants to divorce you over something so petty, that you’ve really not lost much anyway.

It’s of course ultimately up to you what you do with you life. But he doesn’t have to come along for the ride. Personally, I find body building really repulsive and if my partner got into it as a lifestyle choice, then yes, I would leave. Neither of you are in the wrong you just sound incompatible now.

Tell him you'll give a few numbers of divorce lawyers. Any man that try's to tell you what can and can't do, should be divorced!

On what grounds is he going to divorce you? Disobedience?

Presumably on the grounds that the relationship has permanently broken down, which is the only ground he needs to demonstrate.

Exactly this. Nobody on here or any other forum or in real life would have any problem with a man pursuing a hobby and spending potentially 60-70%. of his waking hours (outside work) doing it.

You can't have been on MN long, @DannyZukosSmile, if you really believe this. We get at least one thread a week where someone is bemoaning the amount of time their husband/male partner is spending on their hobby.

So why is his hobby of going to the pub, (which takes up more time than OP’s) not being mentioned as a problem? All the focus seems to be on OP and her less time consuming hobby.

It sounds like he's not able to handle your new physique. He may have preferred you being overweight and what he deems was invisible to other men, and now you're going to be more than visible. This is his problem, not yours.

Do what makes you happy, sounds like you've nailed it.

OK, well done firstly, because it sounds like you have done so well.

BUT......Are you sure you haven't been neglecting your marriage, whilst pursuing this? I mean, it's not something you are doing together, and you sound as though you had a busy life before this.

Do you date? Do you go out for dinner? Do you find time for him? Do you spend the evenings together? Do you have sex? Do you have weekends and holidays away together? Do you switch off and let yourself drink wine and have treats, or have you become boring (to him)? Do you talk about training incessantly? Do you ask about his life? Do you come across as smug because you've got fit, and he hasn't? My hunch, is that he feels completely left behind and forgotten, and this is the straw that broke the camels back?

It depends how important this marriage is to you, but I think if you cherish it, just take a day or two, to really think about this. How would you feel, for eg. if he had a hobby that took up the same amount of time, and you were in his shoes.

Personally, if my DH took up training to this level, I think I'd get really bored by it, and would probably resent the time it took up, and I would miss the old version of him, especially if it meant that we suddenly could have take-out or drink or do any of the "unhealthy" things we used to do. If he then was going to rank it up another few notches to competitions, I can see how I might snap.

I struggle with this one. Whilst you have every right to pursue your hobbies, competing will take up so much time and energy and you might not be able to participate in family life as normal. A friend of mine did this and she had to be so controlled (almost obsessed to an outsider) in her eating and exercise schedule, that she somewhat checked out of family life.

That said, you are NOT property and as long as you factor in your family obligations, whatever they may be, go for it!

I think if his concerns were based on how this pursuit will affect the family that’s one thing but they seem to come from a place of insecurity. That would annoy me. I love working out too. I’ve contemplated going all out and doing the bikini thing but decided I’m not up for it. It defo IS full on. So have a proper talk with him about his concerns. But I think it’s jealousy and “misery loves company”. Fat people generally don’t want other fat people to not be fat any more.

I honestly couldn't cope with this. Me and DH are a bit overweight, but blimey we have FUN. We have regular weekends away and all inclusive holidays, we eat lovely food and drink far too much wine. I'd be bored stiff if he suddenly became a gum bunny and ditched all the fun stuff we do together. Yes we'd be healthier but at what cost to fun? Like Ricky Jervais says, if you're super healthy and add 2 years to your life, it's 2 years at the wrong end! You get an extra 2 years in your 90's, not your 30's.

Exactly @Naunet ! Why is no one mentioning the pub trips! @BeachBlondey seriously? is she sure she's not neglecting her marriage when DH spends more time at the pub than she does on her physical fitness and health (i.e. her hobby)

@BeachBlondey "Do you date? Do you go out for dinner? Do you find time for him? Do you spend the evenings together? Do you have sex? Do you have weekends and holidays away together? Do you switch off and let yourself drink wine and have treats, or have you become boring (to him)? Do you talk about training incessantly? Do you ask about his life? Do you come across as smug because you've got fit, and he hasn't? My hunch, is that he feels completely left behind and forgotten, and this is the straw that broke the camels back?" Its not the 1950's !!! 😣

He doesn't want her to do a competition ... he hasn't said he wants to start a hobby with her.

Gosh come on women we need to support women all she wants to do is 1 competition OP hasn't said she wants to do the circuit and spend the next year or two at competitions. OP has clearly said she is not neglecting her family or letting it impact their family life.

@BeachBlondey I've got to go now, I'd better get dinner on and dressed properly for when DH comes home 😂

Same here! Could both get a stone off but hey 🤷🏻‍♀️ we like a wee lunch date and a Saturday night wine and a decent holiday! I swim and he goes to gym couple nights a week but it’s not all encompassing, could never deal with that!

Secondly, I’m not sure why so many posters are going to great lengths to point out how unattractive competing body builders look. Yes, it’s not the most attractive look in the world, but so what? Why must everything revolve around being sexually pleasing? Who gives a fuck if you’ll be ‘less conventionally attractive’ for a few hours whilst pumped up and wearing a dark tan?? I really can’t understand why that’s even an issue.

It's just one of those things that grosses people out I think. It's not even about it being sexually pleasing. It's the mindset behind wanting to do it, imagine wanting to stand there like a prize pig all eager while someone judges you on your body? I'd feel the same if dh wanted to wear a suit and enter a beauty pagent. He wouldn't be the man I married if he wanted to do that. It's juvenile and is kind of 1950s tbh.