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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

254 replies

TeePee22 · 17/03/2023 09:43

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

OP posts:
ArdeteiMasazxu · 17/03/2023 10:46

YANBU to pursue this hobby if it is right for you, if it makes you feel good and gives you a sense of achievement.

He is NBU to have no interest in being in a relationship with you any more given how dramatically your focus and behaviour has changed.

That's OK. Let him go, with love, remain on good terms and wrap up the practicalities for finances etc and pursue your own lives. Divorce doesn't have to be a tragedy.

Donnashair · 17/03/2023 10:49

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 10:01

@Chickenly clearly she can enter in the position she's already in, with the work she already does.

She's said it doesn't impact her family.

If op is stage ready all year round, it’s 100% impacting the family.

2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps · 17/03/2023 10:50

My DH is a bodybuilder who competes and I HATE it. To the point that when he was prepping this year I made it clear that I did not sign up for this kind of life and if he wanted it to be an annual thing, he should let me know as I'd have to give serious thought to what I wanted for my life in the future. I promise you that being in a relationship with a gym addict enthusiast and being in a relationship with a competitive bodybuilder are two very different things.

I train at a decent level too by the way, so I understand the hard work and dedication required. Someone like your husband who has no clue will find it even more difficult to understand. (Though, if its just about you being on stage in a bikini that's a different kind of problem.)

Bodybuilding is a solo sport but it entails huge sacrifice from everyone in your household. Christmases, birthdays, foreign holidays, days out, celebrations - all very different when you are in a relationship with a bodybuilder.

It has affected my mental health in a negative way also. Being with someone who weighs every single thing that goes in their mouth. Someone who pinches minuscule bits of flesh and is dismayed at how "fat" they are... well, as a curvy woman, it really messes with my head.

It's fine for you want to do the show. I applaud all your hard work to sculpt your body to a point where competing is even an option! I do think that you need to explain the process to your husband and understand that actually, this is going to affect him quite drastically too and he is allowed to not be thrilled about it.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 17/03/2023 10:51

Your ridiculous H ought to be proud of you, & happy that you have found your niche.

I would not respond well to threats of divorce, & the "no wife of mine" comment would make me hire my own lawyer. He sounds like a miserable, sexist twat. Don't you dare kowtow to his demands to kill your dreams to satisfy his wounded ego. He thinks he has the right to control your engagement with your beloved sport. Get him put right, or let him carry out his divorce threat.

Lesvacances · 17/03/2023 10:53

Op has not come back yet.
She's probably training!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 17/03/2023 10:55

2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps · 17/03/2023 10:50

My DH is a bodybuilder who competes and I HATE it. To the point that when he was prepping this year I made it clear that I did not sign up for this kind of life and if he wanted it to be an annual thing, he should let me know as I'd have to give serious thought to what I wanted for my life in the future. I promise you that being in a relationship with a gym addict enthusiast and being in a relationship with a competitive bodybuilder are two very different things.

I train at a decent level too by the way, so I understand the hard work and dedication required. Someone like your husband who has no clue will find it even more difficult to understand. (Though, if its just about you being on stage in a bikini that's a different kind of problem.)

Bodybuilding is a solo sport but it entails huge sacrifice from everyone in your household. Christmases, birthdays, foreign holidays, days out, celebrations - all very different when you are in a relationship with a bodybuilder.

It has affected my mental health in a negative way also. Being with someone who weighs every single thing that goes in their mouth. Someone who pinches minuscule bits of flesh and is dismayed at how "fat" they are... well, as a curvy woman, it really messes with my head.

It's fine for you want to do the show. I applaud all your hard work to sculpt your body to a point where competing is even an option! I do think that you need to explain the process to your husband and understand that actually, this is going to affect him quite drastically too and he is allowed to not be thrilled about it.

Yes I agree with this.
I think Op has drastically downplayed the "I just want to go on stage and be judged so when I'm old I'll show off some photos" but reality is very very different.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/03/2023 10:56

I am 99% thinking "Ooh, what a bastard - how dare he stand in the way of her goals?".

I am 1% thinking "Ooh, but if I had a DH who wanted to be sprayed orange and wear a sparkly speedo to use his extreme muscles to lift weights for an audience...I would die inside."

80skid · 17/03/2023 10:56

Wow, major congratulations on your achievements! The dedication physically and mentally to be where you are, with a young family and career too is amazing!!

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is insecure, unsupportive and jealous. How is your marriage otherwise? Would he normally support things you want to do that don't interest him? I don't think that a competition such as this should be a marriage breaker, but his reaction could he a symptom of other issues. Definitely time to discuss what his issues actually are with this - obviously it's not everyone's cup of tea, but he should be cheering you in and celebrating your victories in life, whatever they are

Rosula · 17/03/2023 10:57

ToothHurtie · 17/03/2023 10:44

I don’t buy it. You know why he’s against it but you wanted to skew the vote in your favour by making him out to be a controlling, sexist arsehole.

He’s opposed to it because:

  • It’s expensive
  • It’s time-consuming
  • It’s a daily commitment you’ll prioritise above your family
  • It restricts the food you can eat and that impacts your family
  • It becomes a boring compulsion you won’t stop talking about
  • It’s objectively a very unattractive “look”
  • It’s another step into a world that’s convinced you it’s acceptable to criticise him.
  • It’s a crux for low self-esteem rather than actually tackling that problem.
  • Many elements of body building are very bad for your health.

Am I missing anything? I’m absolutely certain that, if he wrote a post, he’d give very valid reasons why he wants to leave that don’t talk about “no wife of mine” (by the way, he clearly didn’t say that because you’ve explicitly said which part was a direct quote and which part isn’t but you thought you’d throw in the “no wife of mine” line because it makes him look sexist even though he never actually said it…).

If you want honest answers then you need to give a more honest OP - if you want to be told he’s definitely wrong so you can feel self-righteous in destroying your marriage then you’ve done what you intended to do.

I agree with a lot of this. Bodybuilding leads to a hideous look, and if it means you've been opting out of family life for hundreds of hours and nagging him about his body on top of it - despite following a pursuit that in itself has some pretty unhealthy aspects - then it's not surprising that he's unhappy.

redskylight · 17/03/2023 10:57

I have a strong suspicion that an awful lot of MN posters would not be happy with their DP/DHs being competitive bodybuilders.

OP has painted it as a small step up from doing strength training at the gym, but that's rather disingenuous.

ilovesushi · 17/03/2023 10:59

Just do it. It sounds a lot of fun. It is a shame he doesn't support you.

NameChangePoP · 17/03/2023 11:00

Good for you OP. Be proud of what you've achieved, and enter the competition.

Call his bluff on the divorce threats. My guess is he's saying it because he's massively insecure and thinks you'll get attention. But either way, stand firm and do not let him make you back down. If he's serious then good riddance.

Disneyforaweek · 17/03/2023 11:02

Wow I thought you were going to say he was unhappy about the time away training or the lifestyle changes around diet etc if it encroached onto family life but after reading your post of you saying it doesn't and that he just doesn't want you on stage I'm shocked! What a knob. He's definitely jealous

DeflatedAgain · 17/03/2023 11:04

Challenge him to an arm wrestle as a decider 😜

I'm pretty positive you'll be on that stage haha

BezMills · 17/03/2023 11:05

YANBU

Go for it! A good friend of mine (male) did it when he was younger and recently had a run at the seniors when he just turned 40. He did it just once, for posterity. The weight-cutting is no joke, and pretty unhealthy if you keep doing it. But for a one-time thing, I don't see a problem.

It's a shame your husband isn't supportive about that.

Chubbernut · 17/03/2023 11:06

I am baffled by all the comments about:

  1. That he’s concerned OP will get attention from other men
  2. That he’s worried OP will leave him for a body builder.
I don’t think I know anyone who thinks bodybuilders look attractive. As PP said, they look a bit like trees. I think they vaguely resemble beef jerky tbh. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at a male body builder and thought I could stomach touching them and I certainly wouldn’t want to look like a female body builder. I have a close friend who does competitions (and does really, really well) but she admits she looks much better in the off-season than when she’s competition-ready. It’s just not an attractive look. I’d be far less worried about DH leaving for someone else if he were an oiled-up, spray painted tree-man rather than how he looks now.
furryfrontbottom · 17/03/2023 11:10

Of course he can't tell you what to do and can't stop you turning yourself into an orange mannequin if that is what you want.

CrosswordConundrum · 17/03/2023 11:11

OP I started training with weights in my 40’s. I’m so much fitter and along with cardio is the one thing thats changed my body shape. I’m not a body builder but it takes huge effort and commitment to build muscle, particularly being female and our age SO WELL DONE YOU!! ⭐️

My trainer always says it’s the thing you can’t buy. You have to put the work in to get results. I would be very proud if I were your DH. He’s obviously got issues around his own fitness and a perception of what he thinks female body building represents. When I started lifting heavy weight my DP thought I’d get all bulky (which was not my intention) and the reverse happened. He can now see how great the training is for me and comments to his friends how strong I am!

#girlsthatcanbench 💪

DannyZukosSmile · 17/03/2023 11:11

Wow, it sounds like he's actually jealous. 😆 He probably wishes it was him that has developed this amazing body and it was him that was going on stage with other people looking at him.

Whether you leave him or not (for being a useless unsupportive lump,) is up to you, but definitely do what you want. This sounds completely amazing. Smile

Not being funny, but my husband would absolutely love it if I developed a super, body-building body. And went in for bodybuilding. (He is happy with me now - I think LOL!) But would be fascinated and intrigued by a bodybuilding woman! He'd love it and he would certainly, definitely support me and be at every display. Sounds like there might be deeper issues than him just not wanting you to do this @TeePee22 But yeah DO IT! Do NOT let him clip your wings.

MrsCarson · 17/03/2023 11:13

To be honest I think all that sparkly swimsuit body building in both men and women is a bit grim. But to each their own. You want to do it then do it.
He doesn't have to like it, or agree with it or support it, and you shouldn't expect him to.
Same if he decided to wear lycra and ride a bike with all the other numpties doing that. You could leave him to it and have nothing to do with it.

IhearyouClemFandango · 17/03/2023 11:13

Cheltenbacon · 17/03/2023 09:52

This is actually the exact reason my DBro and his first wife split up. They were both athletic (he was a personal trainer and iron man triathlete and she was an iron woman triathlete and a model). She moved into body building and he found that it completely restricted any enjoyment in their lives, like an addiction that came before everything else and he found her physically very unattractive too. He told her as much and she ended the marriage.

Addiction, obsession and a lack of physical attraction are perfectly valid reasons to end a marriage. Working out, becoming healthier and wanting to do what you like with your body and feel good about yourself and perfectly valid things for you to want to do. Badgering him about his weight just because you’ve had a sudden epiphany isn’t nice either. It’s really about balance. Without having his perspective on it, it’s impossible to actually know who is BU here. Any man with three DCs who was doing what you’re doing would be getting a rough ride on here.

This.

Deliberately disingenuous OP

Rosula · 17/03/2023 11:15

Wow, it sounds like he's actually jealous. 😆 He probably wishes it was him that has developed this amazing body and it was him that was going on stage with other people looking at him.

I doubt it. The only amazing thing about a body builder's body is how unattractive it is.

BertaHoon · 17/03/2023 11:16

He's insecure and frightened of losing you to a world that he doesn't understand and, if as said, overweight - doesn't want to understand.

I had an ex that couldn't cope that it was a man who did my gym induction and showed me safely how to do the weights.

I honestly think it comes from fear and to some extent a lack of control over your new life.

YANBU though - go for it!!!

Nudity · 17/03/2023 11:18

Do it. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

Nap1983 · 17/03/2023 11:18

I’m not sure… I really wouldn’t like my DH to do something to his appearance that really disliked. In the same way husband would beg me not to have lip filler or a boob job. I understand body building is much more effort and may be good for you mentally but it seriously alters your appearance and I for one would hate my DH to look like that. He’s prob going about it in the wrong way though..