Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

[TeePee22]

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

Exactly this. Nobody on here or any other forum or in real life would have any problem with a man pursuing a hobby and spending potentially 60-70%. of his waking hours (outside work) doing it.

God forbid a woman actually finds some kind of hobby/pursuit she is good at and really enjoys. Nooooo women not are allowed. They must be at home, chained to the kitchen sink, cooking every meal, looking after the children, breastfeeding them til they're 7, producing more children for her man, changing nappies, getting up through the night, doing the school run, doing everything THEIR children needs, and above all, serving her man. Just how DARE a woman do anything but be a wifey and mommee.

Men though, meh... They can pretty much do whatever the fuck they want, and not be judged for it. From spending most of their free time AWAY from the wife and children, to fucking off and leaving.

Nobody on here or any other forum or in real life would have any problem with a man pursuing a hobby and spending potentially 60-70%. of his waking hours (outside work) doing it.

Yes they would. It would be LTB all the way.

I echo what @Donnashair has said - you sound incredibly naïve about what is required for competitive level of bodybuilding. You don't sound like you are competing with a view to win or even (sorry to be harsh) that you are taking it seriously, which is disrespectful to the other competitors. You absolutely will be dehydrated and not able to have chocolate if you fancy when its coming up to show time.

If all you want is to look your best and a good photo to look at down the line, why don't you just book a fitness photo shoot? Smash out a 12 week prep, get 15 amazing images and not risk your marriage. Seems like a glaringly obvious solution where everyone is happy.

As I mentioned previously, my DH competes. He is 3 weeks away from show 1 of 3. By the time show 1 comes, he will have been on a 26 week prep. He is physically and mentally exhausted. He is sore all over because he still has to train with intensity but is not taking in enough calories to properly recover. He is up at 4.30am every day for 1 hour cardio, works all day, weight trains for 2.5 hours after work followed by another 1 hour cardio. Lucky if he is walking in the door at 9pm and STILL has to have two post-workout meals (not tasty ones!). He is constantly comparing himself to other competitors, his mental health is down the drain, he is hungry and moody. He is regularly on the brink of tears just due to being so emotionally drained. And he's doing all this because he wants to win. He's not doing it for a photo.

That is what competing is. Its hard work for everyone in this house and I can't wait until it's over for another 6 months, at least.

I'm trying to think a bit wider and challenge myself on how I'd feel if my DH lost loads of weight, and started getting into ballet. To the point where he wanted to do a ballet competition and have lots of pictures taken of him jumping in the air in a leotard to put on social media.

Being completely honest, I'd struggle with it.

DH and I are both pretty lazy and overweight, I could imagine that if DH started to get into the gym heavily it might put a bit of a strain on our marriage. Just because it would change alot of aspects - e.g if he became health obsessed well there goes our cosy'ing up on the sofa with a Chinese on a Friday night. I do see how one person in a relationship making a huge lifestyle change can threaten a relationship.

I love my DH so I'm sure my marriage would survive but I guess I would go through a period of confusion, rejection, hurt, fear, and doubt and I'm sure we'd grapple with how to find a balance.

But also if my DH went from being one sort of a person to an entirely different sort of person - I would have to question whether we'd simply grown apart. Because I know I wouldn't have married a body builder. It's just not my thing.

So while I don't think you're wrong to pursue your interests, and I don't agree with how he's spoken to you about it - I can see that it does or can bring up real make or break conversations where it doesn't simply boil down to 'my DH doesn't support me and won't work out with me therefore he's a selfish prick, isn't he?' type of straightforward response. It's more nuanced than that.

Yup. There's nothing worse than the middle aged man who escapes family life via some pointless endurance sport

Most husbands would be really proud of what you have achieved. He sounds like a pathetic jealous baby!

You're completely wrong. There's no way in hell that men are judged the same as women. (For spending time away from the home or fucking off and leaving their children.) Don't even pretend it's true that men are judged as harshly - I mean outside of the parallel world of mumsnet!

100% this... Such a jealous, spiteful manbaby who can't stand it that his wife is doing something that she really enjoys and she's really good at. And she could be really successful and have people admiring her.

And God forbid he might have to chip in more with the housework and childcare. (Oh my God. Perish the thought !!! A MAN having to pull his weight around the house. He is only threatening to divorce her to bully her into stopping doing what she loves ... What a massively manipulative, gaslighting bully he is.

That's not what you said. It's not even clear if you are talking about mn or 'rl' for the judging.

Test your theory by putting up a post of a woman whose husband spends 60-70% of his time when not working on his hobby - even better, make it a wanky pointless endurance sport. See what mn thinks. Bet you most of the posts are ltb/similar.

I don’t have time to wade through all the responses but my first reaction was “You only have one life. You go girl” but then I saw a reply which suggested you just get a series of lovely photos done which hopefully won’t challenge your marriage.
I am on the fence but I’d probably go with the photos if all I want is proof you've done it.
Well done you for getting this far. I wish I had your will power.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

@2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps

Why does he do it if it makes him and you so miserable?

The idea of a photoshoot without the competition does sound good especially if you're not actually wanting to compete

But that should be your choice. Not your ohs

I'd be pretty turned off if dh was into this lark. Whatever about training, grand whatever but the beauty contest aspect of it, the whole creosoting yourself and standing their in tiny clothes to be judged on your body like a piece of meat is just so unattractive. I can't imagine I would divorce him over it but it would give me a major case of the icks and I'd hope he'd move on to something else soon.

This gave me pause a bit tbh.

On one hand I think you sound great and should be very proud of yourself, and should do whatever you choose with your own body.

On the other hand I personally find bodybuilding physiques on both men and women very unattractive and unpleasant to look at. I don't like heavy muscles or tans, and I actively stayed away from men into this when I was dating.

I'm also very turned off by vanity/too much emphasis on physical appearance.

If my DH wanted to get fit and healthy and have a gym routine I'd think that was great and I'd be proud of him. But I don't know how I'd feel if he got into bodybuilding because I find it visually repulsive.

Everyone likes different things, I know some people are very turned off by tattoos/plastic surgery/certain looks.

I'd struggle with this a bit.

I don't get or understand golf or why anyone would want to play it ....doesn't mean I stop my husband playing it (just as the many activities I have tried out over the years that he doesn't get, he equally hasn't stopped me just encouraged)

He sounds like a dick

That's the million dollar question, which I've put to him many times! 😅

He has trained in gyms for around 20 years. He has amazing strength, a great physique and is genetically gifted for bodybuilding. He took the jump from high level training to competing just to see if he could cut it. He got good feedback and won some trophies. I hoped he'd see it as mission accomplished and be finished but noooo. It has continued on as a perpetual desire to top the previous year. He's always been buff but pre-bodybuilding we loved nights out with cocktails and good grub. He's a proper foodie so the prep side does make him miserable.
The sacrifice required for us all is why I've had to tell him recently that I didn't sign up to this lifestyle and I wouldn't have chosen it if he had been a bodybuilder at the start. It's a joyless existence.

It's around this point in the prep that he starts to seriously question his resolve and considers quitting daily - but its the old sunken cost fallacy. He's come too far to quit now so it continues on. He'll step on stage looking amazing, get a snazzy trophy or two and his internal demons are fed, making him crave it again. Vicious cycle, that I hate.

My feelings and opinions on it all have been so strong this time round that I don't think he'll compete next year. The year after that remains to be seen though. I could cope with bi-annual, probably.

Massive misrepresentation of how much works goes into competitions

I would be unhappy if my dp did because I know from a family member that it's so time intensive and dominates their life.

Completely similar to a previous posters experience where there's no longer any family meals, days out have to be done around gym time etc.

I agree

@Cheltenbacon yes because I am me and he is him first. Being our true selves is what makes us happy and happy people who are respectful of each other's individual rights to be ourselves helps us be a better couple and parents to our respective children.

I would work on the basis we both get equal down time and money. We both take time for breaks with friends, both have nights with friends each week a night out as a couple. And family time.

I have held this view of all for the family. Yes family needs first but that doesn't mean I have no right to my needs to succeed individually. In my opinion it provides a healthy example to my children.

I have been with the misery of a exh who wanted to sit on the couch day in day out moaning about life. No get up and go.

We get in life I am going to live mine and I want my partner to do the same. Each to their own.

I think I have been misunderstood . I am aware prep is a complete ball ache … it’s hungry tiring and shite for everyone I’m
not expecting to be able to chow on a couple
of wispa bars when I fancy either . That’s what I do off prep what I was trying to say was it’s not a life that controls my every being day in day out . I do eat with my family and friends , I just track everything and adjust as needed .
I can get away with a shorter less aggressive until the end prep as have done a mini cut recently so body fat is lower that some from the start
Dehydration and water loading .. depends on the class and fed … it’s not a banker and it’s one thing I would be unable to do , same as oestrogen blockers and the world of PEDs
I’m planning on an amateur show . No I don’t expect to win as there are people that literally dedicate their lives to it and work in the industry ( i don’t , I love the training I love the bulking and my lifts shooting up … I like looking at my delts in the mirror and thinking wow I built those all me all my hard work and as someone said further up the thread to build any muscle at my age from where is started from is pretty amazing that I have actually managed it )
I admire those that become Pro and carry on up the ladder .. but that’s not me and I can’t and won’t compete with that .
I have a very experienced and also realistic coach who is a parent herself and gets the different worlds we have to join together.
I'm certainly not disrespecting any competitor and apologies to anyone that thought I was treating it’s as a little jolly day out , but winning and being competitive isn't the everything , it’s about being the best YOU can be and that involves your genetics your lifestyle alongside how much your willing to put into it because no matter how much I wanted to win , my children’s needs , my family ,my job comes first . What I could take to the stage would be the best that I could bring considering my circumstances . Great if that’s enough and I win .. but if not I have done all that I can to be my best and that’s enough for me .

the shoot idea is an interesting one though thank you … hadn’t actually thought of that!
thanks for everyone’s replies , lots to think about and I really appreciate the perspective .

Hmmm, I think he's unreasonable if he's threatening you into submission whatever is in dispute. However, it sounds to me as if he's just warning you of potential outcomes so you can make educated decisions. I think there's more going on than you realise. Some people find someone's passion admirable, others find their obsessions incredibly irritating. No ones right or wrong but whatever your passion/hobby/obsession you're wrong if you say it isn't impacting on your family life. Let's say tomorrow he said he was converting to Islam, but said it won't impact on you directly and he'll just live his life according to his rules and beliefs snd you can do as you please. Or he said he wanted to express his feminine side and at weekends he will wear a dress and you're to call him Susan. No-ones right or wrong, but it eould put a strain on the relationship, a wedge so to speak. If youve become very muscular or defined he may find you unattractive now but still love you though. Hes at his limit. Now let's take it up a notch. Using my previous analogies, he now wants to become an Iman and is planning a Haj. Or he's decided that he will be wear the dress to parents evening.
In his eyes he's tolerated your obsession. In your eyes stopping you from being your authentic self. I think your needs trump his but the price will likely be your marriage. You don't see him much, he has minimal involvement with his child and you appear to have no significant money worries. You'll probably be happier separate.

Sorry if my answer was harsh, your take on things is clearer now. My responses have also been to highlight to other posters who maybe don't understand the sport, just how hard it is.

The shoot is definitely worth looking into. I actually got my husband one as a gift last year. The cost was around £600 for 15 images. When you compare that to the cost of entering the show (registration, bikini, heels, tan etc), you're probably not far off that kind of expense anyway. I'm not sure where you're located or I could have recommended the photographer who we used last year but Instagram has loads. If you're involved in a bodybuilding gym, there is probably people there who can offer you local recommendations.

So, actually, you’ve completely changed it by adding several other things:

“I would work on the basis we both get equal down time and money. We both take time for breaks with friends, both have nights with friends each week a night out as a couple. And family time.”

You’ve changed from saying not dangerous and no risk to children are the only conditions to saying it must be not dangerous, no risk to the kids, allows equal down time, allows equal money, allows breaks with friends, allows nights out with friends, allows nights out as a couple and facilitates family time. Anyone who knows anything about body building knows full well that those things won’t be the case with OP.

If that’s all that is going to take for him to divorce you then I’d be wondering if there is bigger problems in your marriage!

I would love to hear his side of the story.