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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

254 replies

TeePee22 · 17/03/2023 09:43

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

OP posts:
SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 21:35

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 21:07

@SweetSenorita are you not the OP with a name change fail then? That's weird...

No. Hand on heart. I'm 56 (on Sunday), single, no children. I have no idea who the OP is.

I just think she's getting a bit of a hard time. And I can relate. I get it in real life from various sources.

I encourage women to go for things. All too often we don't.

And then all I get, when someone doesn't like what I say, is: "Are you drunk?" Just not necessary. I'm TT for a number of reasons as it happens.

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 21:38

Donnashair · 17/03/2023 21:35

Op has admitted it’s an obsession. When you have adhd things can become obsessions quickly and it doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Even if you feel it helps. So it sounds like you believe that if it becomes an obsession it’s a problem?

of course it’s costs a lot of money to compete. Your ‘camp’, your tan, your make up and hair, your outfit, travel, training, the food all adds up.

I am not saying it’s not worth paying. And as you are single you don’t need to consider anyone else. But to pretend it’s not much when you described your own bikini as ‘ridiculously expensive’, isn’t being honest.

Ah well ..... my bikini was handmade in Finland and cost 1,000 Euros. So, it was ridiculously expensive.

But I bought if off a Finnish competitor for £25. So, there you go 😇

ThreeblackCats · 17/03/2023 21:41

In our spare bedroom we have a large framed print. It’s a Spencer Tunic, he is famous for taking photos of nudes. The reason we have it? We are on it, right at the front. It was something I wanted to do, my DH supported me.
My claim to fame is I have a nude hung in an art gallery.

Your DH should support you just as much, life is too brief to look back and say “I wish I had done that when I had the chance” Do it and good luck to you.

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 21:41

Hair and makeup? Really? I shave my head. And I never wear makeup. My hair and makeup are not being judged. My show is only a short distance from home. The food isn't at all expensive.

Granted, I'll need a tan 🤷

Saz12 · 17/03/2023 21:45

I’ve read OP’s comments, the first and last pages ...but not the lot.

I can understand that the person you share a bed with might not like your physique being judged.
It’s not how you’d view soneone your in a relationship with.

that whole competitive-body thing is a bit odd from the perspective of being on the outside looking in. Seems like it’s what your body looks likerather than what your body can actually do.

When dc were under 5 I trained for and ran an ultra mountain marathon thingy. I’d never done anything sporty before. DH went along with it fine: I’m not sure he really actively encouraged me but was there with lifts, blister plasters and clean socks, in a slightly bemused “why are you bothering with this in February sleet” kind of way.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable, but neither of you are communicating well?

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 21:48

DinnerThyme · 17/03/2023 21:30

So you understand very clearly why the OP’s DH may have very valid reasons to not want OP engaging in it? And you understand why your ridiculous response to PP about your (different) situation is completely irrelevant to the OP?

I have no fucks to give about the OP's DH. I think we can all see he's a control freak. I understand why he doesn't want her doing it. The patriarchy has spoken.

The PP was having a general dig about women competing. Many of her reservations were not specific to the OP. So I answered on behalf of me. Ridiculous, or not, I am allowed to do that.

Donnashair · 17/03/2023 21:51

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 21:38

Ah well ..... my bikini was handmade in Finland and cost 1,000 Euros. So, it was ridiculously expensive.

But I bought if off a Finnish competitor for £25. So, there you go 😇

So it wasn’t ridiculously expensive like you tried to make out? Why did you add the ‘but it’s worth it’. Worth £25?

They sold a bikini…..a used bikini for £25 when it cost €1000. Course you that happened. Then you came to brag how it was worth it, the £25.

and yes of course you shave your head and don’t wear make up. I bet the Op doesn’t have a shaved head and will be wearing make up. Do you realise you don’t put that really strong tan on your face? The make up makes your face a closer match to the body. Which is why you see loads of people arriving or walking. Around with very tanned bodies and their faces don’t match.

Also you overall presentation is judged.

It’s really obvious you have no clue what you are talking about.

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:03

Donnashair · 17/03/2023 21:51

So it wasn’t ridiculously expensive like you tried to make out? Why did you add the ‘but it’s worth it’. Worth £25?

They sold a bikini…..a used bikini for £25 when it cost €1000. Course you that happened. Then you came to brag how it was worth it, the £25.

and yes of course you shave your head and don’t wear make up. I bet the Op doesn’t have a shaved head and will be wearing make up. Do you realise you don’t put that really strong tan on your face? The make up makes your face a closer match to the body. Which is why you see loads of people arriving or walking. Around with very tanned bodies and their faces don’t match.

Also you overall presentation is judged.

It’s really obvious you have no clue what you are talking about.

It was expensive when new. I bought it second hand from a Finnish competitor. Why would I lie to you?

I do shave my head. I do not wear any makeup. I don't know why you give the impression that you doubt me. I have absolutely no idea what the OP's take on hair and makeup is. We've established that I am not the OP.

I have attended lots of shows. I know how people look. At the start of the women's judging they remind us that "your hair and makeup are not being judged". I have no reason to disbelieve the judges. Or do you know different?

I've already said that I'm not an expert. But ..... you don't seem to be getting everything cock on now, do you?

Sqqueeeeeeee · 17/03/2023 22:04

Not the OP is really not liking any criticism of bodybuilding. Switching between nastiness and then pearl-clutching butter-wouldn’t-melt faux surprise when responded to in kind.

CrotchetyCrocheting · 17/03/2023 22:09

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:03

It was expensive when new. I bought it second hand from a Finnish competitor. Why would I lie to you?

I do shave my head. I do not wear any makeup. I don't know why you give the impression that you doubt me. I have absolutely no idea what the OP's take on hair and makeup is. We've established that I am not the OP.

I have attended lots of shows. I know how people look. At the start of the women's judging they remind us that "your hair and makeup are not being judged". I have no reason to disbelieve the judges. Or do you know different?

I've already said that I'm not an expert. But ..... you don't seem to be getting everything cock on now, do you?

Do you think maybe if you want a thread extolling the virtues of body building you should make one? You've made the last 50 posts on the OPs thread all about you even answering questions seemingly on behalf if the OP who you don't even know. It's not good forum etiquette to hijack someone else's post looking for advice.

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:10

ToothHurtie · 17/03/2023 21:13

You can’t trot out the aggression, nastiness and sarcasm you’ve repeatedly thrown out on this thread and then claim to be offended by “are you drunk?” as if you’re a sweet wee wallflower. If you’re that sensitive then don’t start on others.

I haven't thrown out any nastiness. There's been quite a bit come my way though. And I never claimed to be offended. I just said I was TT.

I'm not particularly sweet. Neither am I a wallflower. And I'm definitely not sensitive. They're your words, not mine.

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:12

CrotchetyCrocheting · 17/03/2023 22:09

Do you think maybe if you want a thread extolling the virtues of body building you should make one? You've made the last 50 posts on the OPs thread all about you even answering questions seemingly on behalf if the OP who you don't even know. It's not good forum etiquette to hijack someone else's post looking for advice.

No, I'm perfectly happy on this thread.

If you have an issue with my forum etiquette, then report me.

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:13

Sqqueeeeeeee · 17/03/2023 22:04

Not the OP is really not liking any criticism of bodybuilding. Switching between nastiness and then pearl-clutching butter-wouldn’t-melt faux surprise when responded to in kind.

I am NOT the bloody OP.

EmilyBishopmyconfession · 17/03/2023 22:14

Another thread enters its final death spiral...

TheOverlord · 17/03/2023 22:15

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 21:35

No. Hand on heart. I'm 56 (on Sunday), single, no children. I have no idea who the OP is.

I just think she's getting a bit of a hard time. And I can relate. I get it in real life from various sources.

I encourage women to go for things. All too often we don't.

And then all I get, when someone doesn't like what I say, is: "Are you drunk?" Just not necessary. I'm TT for a number of reasons as it happens.

Implying someone has a medical problem because they call your very strange behaviour strange and then taking great offence when they respond by asking if you’re drunk is somewhat hypocritical tbh. You started the altercation and convinced yourself that you were attacked.

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:17

TheOverlord · 17/03/2023 22:15

Implying someone has a medical problem because they call your very strange behaviour strange and then taking great offence when they respond by asking if you’re drunk is somewhat hypocritical tbh. You started the altercation and convinced yourself that you were attacked.

I didn't imply anyone had a medical condition.

Donnashair · 17/03/2023 22:20

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:03

It was expensive when new. I bought it second hand from a Finnish competitor. Why would I lie to you?

I do shave my head. I do not wear any makeup. I don't know why you give the impression that you doubt me. I have absolutely no idea what the OP's take on hair and makeup is. We've established that I am not the OP.

I have attended lots of shows. I know how people look. At the start of the women's judging they remind us that "your hair and makeup are not being judged". I have no reason to disbelieve the judges. Or do you know different?

I've already said that I'm not an expert. But ..... you don't seem to be getting everything cock on now, do you?

Your overall presentation is absolutely judged. Sorry. But it’s true. Why would you be encouraged to buy a sparkly bikini, if your overall appearance doesn’t matter.

You don’t need to be an expert to understand there’s a reason you need makeup. You clearly looked into it, because you have decided you won’t. So you will be orange from the neck down. Good for you. It’s should be about you. If that’s what you want to do to keep costa down, go for it.

The posts that said it was expensive was talking in general. So Op will likely not go on stage with her face and body wildly different colours. You boasted about how ridiculously expensive, but worth it, your bikini was. Then backtracked when it didn’t fit your ‘it’s not that expensive’ argument. I believe that you absolutely were trying to brag about how much you spent on the bikini, then forgot you said that when you claimed it doesn’t cost much.

Attending lots of shows, is completely different to being in one. As the make up point shows you. You didn’t seem to be aware of some of the basics.

No one expects you to be an expert. But when you start trying to pretend you know everything about comps and start making weird claims, people who do know more will challenge you.

It’s so odd how you have made this who thing about you. Telling people how it works, how it doesn’t cost much, how people should view it, completely confident that you know how it all works. The go ‘oh well I am not an expert’.

TheOverlord · 17/03/2023 22:20

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:17

I didn't imply anyone had a medical condition.

You advised them to call 111. You absolutely did imply they had a medical problem. All this “I’ve been nothing but lovely and everyone is being so mean to me” is absurd. Everyone can see what you’ve written and you’ve been rude as hell and then acted shocked when people weren’t all flowers and chocolates back to you.

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:21

TheOverlord · 17/03/2023 22:15

Implying someone has a medical problem because they call your very strange behaviour strange and then taking great offence when they respond by asking if you’re drunk is somewhat hypocritical tbh. You started the altercation and convinced yourself that you were attacked.

I'm entitled to be strange if I wish. I haven't convinced myself that I've been attacked. And, even if I had, how would you know?

I'm getting constantly accused of being the OP, which I'm not

Does anyone really think that I've invented a whole new persona as a married woman with kids? Why? 🤷

TheOverlord · 17/03/2023 22:25

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:21

I'm entitled to be strange if I wish. I haven't convinced myself that I've been attacked. And, even if I had, how would you know?

I'm getting constantly accused of being the OP, which I'm not

Does anyone really think that I've invented a whole new persona as a married woman with kids? Why? 🤷

If you don’t want to be accused of being the OP then stop responding to posts directed at the OP and answering questions as if you’re the OP. It’s not hard. If you’re in school and the teacher is doing the register and says “Sarah” and you say “yes miss” then you don’t get to throw a strop when the teacher thinks you’re Sarah!

And so you accept that you did, in fact, imply she had a medical condition because she said your strange post was strange…even though you denied it five seconds ago. So you keep doing things and then denying them but then getting upset no one believes anything you’re saying? Well, it’s not a surprise really, is it?

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:29

TheOverlord · 17/03/2023 22:20

You advised them to call 111. You absolutely did imply they had a medical problem. All this “I’ve been nothing but lovely and everyone is being so mean to me” is absurd. Everyone can see what you’ve written and you’ve been rude as hell and then acted shocked when people weren’t all flowers and chocolates back to you.

Yeah, I thought that was the police emergency number. I was being vaguely sarcastic. That's all.

I don't really give a shit what you think about me. I haven't been rude to anyone in my opinion. And I'm not at all shocked. This is AIBU. Happens all the time.

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:34

TheOverlord · 17/03/2023 22:25

If you don’t want to be accused of being the OP then stop responding to posts directed at the OP and answering questions as if you’re the OP. It’s not hard. If you’re in school and the teacher is doing the register and says “Sarah” and you say “yes miss” then you don’t get to throw a strop when the teacher thinks you’re Sarah!

And so you accept that you did, in fact, imply she had a medical condition because she said your strange post was strange…even though you denied it five seconds ago. So you keep doing things and then denying them but then getting upset no one believes anything you’re saying? Well, it’s not a surprise really, is it?

No. I'll do as I please. If you think I'm the OP then you're wrong. But carry on thinking that way if it makes you happy.

I don't accept that I implied anyone had a medical condition. You said I accepted it. I didn't.

I haven't done anything and denied it.

Cheltenbacon · 17/03/2023 22:37

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:29

Yeah, I thought that was the police emergency number. I was being vaguely sarcastic. That's all.

I don't really give a shit what you think about me. I haven't been rude to anyone in my opinion. And I'm not at all shocked. This is AIBU. Happens all the time.

”I don’t really give a shit what you think” immediately followed by “I haven’t been rude to anyone”. 😂😂😂

SweetSenorita · 17/03/2023 22:42

Cheltenbacon · 17/03/2023 22:37

”I don’t really give a shit what you think” immediately followed by “I haven’t been rude to anyone”. 😂😂😂

Telling someone that I don't give a shit what they think is rude?

Well, I don't think so.

Clearly we don't agree on the definition of 'rude'.

Chickenly · 17/03/2023 22:48

"Are you missing anything? A bit of joy, I reckon." - Rude
"Call 111 if you're concerned." - Rude
"I don't give a shiny shit who asked me what." - Rude
"I have no fucks to give whether you're impressed or not" - Rude
"I have no fucks to give about the OP's DH" - Rude
"you don't seem to be getting everything cock on now, do you?"- Rude
"I don't really give a shit what you think about me." - Rude
None of that even touches on the general air of arrogance and superiority, the sarcasm or the throwing your hands up emoji.