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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

1000 replies

SAHMworry · 17/03/2023 09:02

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 17/03/2023 09:05

If I’m totally honest op, my first thought on reading this is you don’t know how lucky you are….

DashboardConfessional · 17/03/2023 09:07

Ha. Well if I am honest, you should be telling him to come home on time and then you can go to the gym/PT when he'd normally be at the pub.

thesockfairydidit · 17/03/2023 09:07

Would you be able to use a childminder a couple of mornings a week to give yourself some YOU time? He lives his life for him it seems and you need to try and carve a life for you too without feeling he is controlling it. He can also spend some quality time with his child at the weekends . Sounds exhausting and he doesn’t seem to see things any way but his at the moment…..some big changes need ti be had

Botw1 · 17/03/2023 09:07

Presumably he was like this pre kid?

You've chosen to be a sahm. Your oh views the kid as entirely your responsibility.

I dont know why you thought it would be different?

Original poster
SAHMworry · 17/03/2023 09:07

Just to add… since DC was born, I haven’t done anything socially without them. DH hasn’t once been asked to watch them without me being there other than for these gym classes. He says I should go and do things and that he would be happy to watch DC, but I don’t yet have any desire to be away from them.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 17/03/2023 09:09

I think you need to find a gym with a crèche.
Your dh has a busy and stressful job. Your job is looking after the child.
If you want things to be more equal then go back to work. That way you both have jobs and the childcare should be shared more equally.
If my dh was working as much as that I wouldn’t expect him to take on household responsibilities if I wasn’t working at all

Snowontheblow · 17/03/2023 09:11

Would most of us be happy to be on maternity leave (if the baby is under 1 we're at that stage not SAHM stage) and to have a partner who was hardly ever there? Who was missing out on seeing his own baby? Why doesn't he want to rush home for that at least?
OP you say you don't want any time to go out without your baby. A big factor in making dads feel incompetent to look after their dc is never doing so alone. I wouldn't wait till the child is a toddler before making this happen.
give your dh a choice - would he rather continue with the morning gym sessions or be home three times a week in time for you to go then.
Earning £250 would be lovely- between dh and I we earn about a third of that, but at least we get to spend time together and with our kids.

Original poster
SAHMworry · 17/03/2023 09:12

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/03/2023 09:05

If I’m totally honest op, my first thought on reading this is you don’t know how lucky you are….

This is what some of my friends and DH think. I have over thought this so much that I’m not sure if I’ve made a big deal over nothing and that I need to just get on with it or if DH is being selfish.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 17/03/2023 09:13

So you've never had a babysitter so that you can have a night out together? I think he might have a point if that is true. You have to nurture a relationship, even a committed married one and that means spending time together.

Obviously he has to do his bit too.

W0tnow · 17/03/2023 09:13

He is being unreasonable. You aren’t. You’ll get a bunch of people telling you to go to work, or get a cleaner, or that they’d love to be in your shoes. The fact is, you can do all of these things, but you’ll still have a disengaged father who is living the life of a single person with a full time cleaner. That is your problem. There is nothing to envy here.

I have no idea how you can change someone’s entire personality 🤷‍♀️. I’ve seen it before though. Man’s earning power increases to the 1%. Man considers himself God’s Gift and Very Important. Too important for the drudgery of family life. Too important for you or his child.

Pythonhyphen · 17/03/2023 09:13

SAHMworry · 17/03/2023 09:07

Just to add… since DC was born, I haven’t done anything socially without them. DH hasn’t once been asked to watch them without me being there other than for these gym classes. He says I should go and do things and that he would be happy to watch DC, but I don’t yet have any desire to be away from them.

It's hardly fair to hold this against him though, if he has offered and he's also mentioned a babysitter would mean you could spend time together it's not his fault you don't want to is it. You're choosing to spend zero time away from your child aside from when he's getting ready in the mornings, which is fine if that's what you want but then seems odd to seemingly moan about it. Why not go to the gym when he's home from work and he will have to be home a reasonable time?

Botw1 · 17/03/2023 09:13

@Snowontheblow

'Would most of us be happy to be on maternity leave (if the baby is under 1 we're at that stage not SAHM stage) and to have a partner who was hardly ever there? Who was missing out on seeing his own baby?'

No.

But I wouldnt have had a kid with someone who worked like the ops oh

Original poster
SAHMworry · 17/03/2023 09:14

DashboardConfessional · 17/03/2023 09:07

Ha. Well if I am honest, you should be telling him to come home on time and then you can go to the gym/PT when he'd normally be at the pub.

Just to add, DH himself often goes to the gym at 7:30 (if he’s home on time) or 8/8:30 once me and DC are in bed.

OP posts:
Qwertyfudge · 17/03/2023 09:14

Your dh doesn’t have the same views on parenting as you. He would be happy for dc to go to a childminder probably even be left with someone so the 2 of you can have a weekend away. At the moment it’s all going your way as you won’t be away from the dc. If you don’t make some compromises your marriage will fail. Get a babysitter and meet him for a drink after work, demonstrates some hive and take.

JustMakeMeAList · 17/03/2023 09:14

Money isn't everything. If he's drinking and staying late to avoid parenting and home life then earning 250k or 25k he's not a great dad.
You'll get loads of people saying how lucky you are but I'd hate your life. You're a single parent with a rich lodger.

Original poster
SAHMworry · 17/03/2023 09:15

Botw1 · 17/03/2023 09:07

Presumably he was like this pre kid?

You've chosen to be a sahm. Your oh views the kid as entirely your responsibility.

I dont know why you thought it would be different?

Yes he was. I suppose I thought he would be more eager to come home now we have a baby, but he isn’t and his life hasn’t changed since the arrival of DC.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 17/03/2023 09:16

Well your DH isn't that interested in his child. You however are doing no favours to developing the bond between your DH and DC by rarely leaving them together to get on with it by themselves.

I'd say your DH's sole focus is work, your sole focus is your DC and neither of you are focusing on your marriage. Which is a mistake.

knittingaddict · 17/03/2023 09:17

SAHMworry · 17/03/2023 09:07

Just to add… since DC was born, I haven’t done anything socially without them. DH hasn’t once been asked to watch them without me being there other than for these gym classes. He says I should go and do things and that he would be happy to watch DC, but I don’t yet have any desire to be away from them.

I think that is an issue actually.

What will you do if you get as far as the children leaving home and you have zero relationship with your husband.

Children are a priority, but they aren't the only thing that matters. You owe it to them to maintain a good relationship as a couple. It benefits everyone.

OxygenthiefexH · 17/03/2023 09:17

Why can’t you just buy in childcare, go the gym and not fall out with him?

Original poster
SAHMworry · 17/03/2023 09:19

Gymmum82 · 17/03/2023 09:09

I think you need to find a gym with a crèche.
Your dh has a busy and stressful job. Your job is looking after the child.
If you want things to be more equal then go back to work. That way you both have jobs and the childcare should be shared more equally.
If my dh was working as much as that I wouldn’t expect him to take on household responsibilities if I wasn’t working at all

I agree. Ideally I wouldn’t leave DC with DH in the mornings but it’s literally the only chance I get to go as we have no family around us to watch DC in the day time. DC is too young at the moment for a crèche but I agree this would be the best solution.

It really wouldn’t make sense for me to go back to work and pay for childcare. DH would also hate DC going to nursery full time.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 17/03/2023 09:19

When I was a SAHM DH had a “big” job.
He couldn’t wait to come home to see DD and would scoop her up as soon as he walked through the door, despite being up since 5 to get to work early. There is no way he would have gone to the pub instead of taking the opportunity to see her before bed
When does your H spend time with your child?
Doesnt matter what he earns, he is a father now and needs to make time for that. Has he started whining about the lack of sex yet?

redskylight · 17/03/2023 09:19

Responding to your actual question re are you selfish for going to the gym in the morning and making DH late for work ... yes.
Go at another time. Find a gym with a creche or someone you trust to babysit, or go in the evening once DC is in bed or at weekends.

There are clearly a lot more issues in this post though!

Botw1 · 17/03/2023 09:19

He's unlikely to change then

But I would continue the gym sessions, keep insisting he comes home to do bed time and start going out and leaving him alone with the baby at weekends

redskylight · 17/03/2023 09:20

It really wouldn’t make sense for me to go back to work and pay for childcare. DH would also hate DC going to nursery full time.

Why wouldn't it make sense if you want to do it?
If DH hates DC going to nursery full time, and you want to work full time, then he'll have to go part time or you'll have to use a nanny.

Sartre · 17/03/2023 09:21

I can’t believe how many are saying you’re BU here. Your DH is a high earner, great but he doesn’t actually parent his child at all as a result and seems to work 24/7. It isn’t the Victorian era, Dad’s actually are expected to look after their children sometimes and it’s depressing to think of Dad’s like your DH who can’t possibly care for their own child for an hour without complaint.

Yes, he absolutely should parent his own child sometimes and yes, you absolutely should have time to yourself sometimes irrespective of how important his job is…

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