SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

I do agree with this to be fair. If by "under 1" you mean over 6 months then they don't need you in the room with them for every minute they are asleep. We used to put the monitor on from about 8pm to 10pm then go up. I know you mentioned you're going to do it - it will help.

5 months old.

If you have plenty of money I would suggest that you pay for a babysitter or childminder a few times a week for a few hours so that you can go to the gym without it inconviencing your DH. You shouldn't need to do this but it would keep the peace.

You are both in the wrong in the same way.

In his case, being a work alcoholic which results in him being stressed and getting comfort from alcohol, not getting the emotional support he needs from you at home.

You from being a mum and mum only. Your anxious as a result and totally focused on baby only.

Your oh is not there for you, you are not there for him. You both need to go a bit and give your relationship a bit of time and attention.

Yep.

You’d think he’d want to spend time with his baby, rather than spend every evening in the pub.

This is what DH said when we had words about it.

Well if my partner was going to bed so early with the baby then I would prob go to the pub .... it must be boring for him every evening sitting on his own.

You say under 1 .... how old is that exactly? I'd start putting them to bed on their own, and then having a nice meal/glass of wine with DH.

On those wages you could afford to pay top end babysitters .... if you don't have family nearby.

So he's not 'unwilling' for you to go out, or spend time with his child? You're just not happy that he's not doing what you want him to how you want him to?
Would you be happier if he left this incredibly well paid job to do what/when you want, but you lose the probably rather nice lifestyle and stopped being a SAHM?

I think there’s a bit of a mixture of things here. The drinking after work regularly and not coming home to see dc is rubbish, but going to the gym when he’s trying to get ready for work is ridiculous when you have all day and could presumably find a gym with a crèche. Also, if you like having a huge income I think some of the lack of engagement is almost inevitable due to how much you need to do to maintain that kind of job. It’s fine if that doesn’t suit you but then you need to chat about other options such as you going back to work and dh stepping back at work, maybe to a lesser role to get a better balance.

He drinks too much
Does nothing around childcare
Prefers the pub or work to coming home to see you and the baby
Whines when you ask him to have the baby that you'll make him late, but doesn't prepare things the night before to avoid this.

Money certainly isn't everything. When the baby grows, they'll notice dad's lack of engagement and act accordingly.

In this instance, I would actually be looking at going back to work, even part time. If your h doesn't want the baby in childcare, then he can stay home and do his Big Man Job there.

So you’d be happy not to see your baby from Monday to Friday?

Of course she needs downtime. It is just would be better to use some sort of childcare during the day as she's not limited to time because of work. Plenty of 1yr olds are in childcare.

Are these normal things for a father with a small baby at home? Not in my experiences of new dads!

Yes, I second what a pp said about making him spend time with just the baby for a while at weekends. Get him to take bub to the park or swimming or to a class and make him do all the dressing and feeding for this period. You go off and do something yourself while they’re doing that. This is the only way they will truly bond.

Also take the initiative, get some dates from him and book nice family holidays for the three of you to relax and enjoy each other (and tag team the childcare equally on the holidays).

The baby is 5 months old.

This!
Earning lots of money doesn't mean to get to opt out of being a parent.

There is also the issue that a man who has just been to the pub is not a man you can hand a baby over to when he gets in.

I don’t think you’re lucky. Even if I were a sahm that is totally different from agreeing to be the sole parent. I’d expect my husband to WANT to see his baby and look after them and hang out. I’d bloody well expect him to come home in time to do that and keep the pub to once a week. Your baby doesn’t really know they have a dad do they? How would they after all? My Dh was absolutely shit at some things with our first two but was cuddling and rocking them and going on days out and changing nappys (with the odd snide comment I wanted to stab him with a fork for). I wouldn’t want to see a husband that didn’t want to spend time with our beautiful baby - tell him you might like him again if he does some parenting since he decided to have a baby with you. Hes a grownup - you’ll find some time for him if he finds some time for his own little baby. Otherwise no dice, you’re busy compensating so your baby doesn’t realise until much older that they’ve missed out on having a dad.

How old is your baby?

Being on maternity leave (which I guess you technically are if your baby is still very young?) is hard work and is mentally draining. I can only imagine that would be made worse if you're on your own everyday with no support around you and that your husband is making a conscious choice to go to the pub after work twice a week instead of coming home to spend time with you - that must hurt your feelings.

Could you suggest that you swap your two morning workouts to the evenings on those days and instead of him going to the pub he can bond and spend time with the baby on his own?

Do you have friends or mum friends around you or do you have no support network at all?

I think that the thing you have on your side is money so I would be using that to my advantage. I'd hire a nanny part time and use that time to go to the gym, do social things with friends, spend time to yourself in the day. But if you're not comfortable leaving your baby much yet you could just have a nanny for a few hours a week? Then if you feel comfortable with them over time you could then leave the baby in the evening with them to actually spend time with your husband?

Not sure if any of this is even helpful for you!

I’d go back to work. No way would I be financially dependent on this arsehole, no matter how big and important he thinks he is.

Op and baby are in bed by 7:30 which is when he's getting home from work, so he gets to have 12 hr day out of the house working to then sit at home on his own for the evening? Sounds rather depressing!

Just seen you've answered more posts while I was typing a response! So ignore anything irrelevant

This. You need some couples counselling if your marriage is going to survive. I think you both need to compromise and meet halfway. You need to remember you’re married and the only reason your beautiful baby exists is the love between you and your husband. That needs to be valued and nurtured. Don’t become so tunnel visioned you can think of anything aside from the baby. And your husband could do with showing some interest in his child…. Tbh the whole set up sounds miserable, I’d rather have way less money and a present and engaged husband and father. But then I like working and don’t need the man to earn two salaries so maybe it’s easy for me to say that.

It really wouldn’t make sense for me to go back to work and pay for childcare. DH would also hate DC going to nursery full time.

Depends why you are working though doesn't it? It's not always about money.

Died your DH get final say in whether you use childcare? Or do you get to have an opinion?