SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Just realised your baby is quite a bit younger than the OP implied. I assumed 10/11 months. Which makes it a bit different - they should of course be in your room. But it’s still quite unusual to be going to bed at 7:30 still and not having had any sex or even a meal out.

Honestly I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. My DH works long hours and I’m a SAHM. He would never have gone in late to work so I could go to the gym (or anything) but once the baby was older I did get a nanny for one day a week. In retrospect I think 2 half days with a nanny or childminder would have been easier on the baby but that’s a separate point. That way he’s not late for work those days and he could be home early on those days. At the moment your baby is so little and you’re both just learning how to get through life. I totally understand your resentment that life hasn’t changed much for your DH but has for you. Could you agree two nights a week that DH comes back early to hangout with you guys? My DH is usually home at about 8.30 but will come back earlier if we specifically fix it that way . You don’t need to put baby in a separate room if you don’t want but by 6 months you should be able to leave baby sleeping upstairs while you and DH are downstairs together with the monitor

Unusual not to have had a meal out when your baby is 5 months old? We didn’t have a meal out alone until after any of ours were 1 as we had no one to babysit. Surely not many people are happy to pay for an unknown babysitter with a 5 month old?

Just to add, I have always done every night feed.
In the early days DH would help a bit (eg. Prepare the bottle), but now DH often sleeps in the spare room to get a good nights sleep for work whilst I do the night feeds.

Can't you both compromise, you stay up later 2 nights a week and he comes straight home those nights. So you get some adult time together.
And you go to the gym on the weekend so he gets some proper bonding time with the baby.

Seriously - don't be a martyr. Your husband earns enough money to allow you to have a part time nanny/childminder so just buy in some help, do the exercise when you want, have a bit of a break and maybe try and organise some time together with your husband.

Yes - him working all hours isn't ideal, but presumably he's always been like that and if he's earning in excess of £250k then I'd suggest it goes with the territory.

Just buy whatever services you can to make all your lives easier and see if you can do more as a family at the weekends?

Due to his working hours, he can’t reasonably be expected to do much more with the baby.
Going to the gym in the morning isn’t reasonable, you should go in the evening when the baby is asleep/with DH. If you don’t want to do that then wait a bit longer - it won’t always be this relentless.

As the sole earner he is under a lot pressure to provide financially, this could explain his “workaholic” attitude.

You’ve said yourself you barely speak to him and go to bed at the same time as the baby so I can see the appeal of the pub.

Could you put the baby to bed later/get up later so you can spend time together in the evening?

Ps I didn’t go out in the evening til DC1 was 6 months old, but DH was used to putting him
to bed so that wA fine. Don’t get stuck in a situation where baby will only settle for you

Regarding you being too tired to spend much time with your DH - this is understandable. Baby is still so young.

It is TEMPORARY. Tell your DH how tired you are but reassure him it won’t be forever. You do love him and will spend time with him again. You’ll use more childcare as time goes on. Don’t feel bad about going to bed early if you need to - as long as your DH knows it’s not because you’ve lost interest in him and it’s not permanent.

Book those family holidays, and arrange those father-baby weekend bonding sessions.

@SAHMworry when you say he goes to the pub after work, is it work related? is he doing BD with clients, networking with colleagues etc - or is he just going out to relax? the two are very different. i know how it can look from the outside, but with the £££ comes responsibility to develop and foster relationships both ex- and internally. Given he's clearly senior, i imagine that he has certain objectives to network.

and to answer your question, yes you are being selfish going to the PT in the morning and making him late. there are alternatives. find a gym with a creche. find a PT that allows you to bring your baby/toddler. there are options, even doing a workout while your baby naps. If he is late it will be noticed at work - and ultimately you will all suffer.

FWIW i am a City lawyer and also spend 3 out of 4 years on maternity leave as i had three under three. i know how tiring it is to look after kids - and my husband works away alot so i'm left doing everything. You can fit it exercise/you time, but you need to plan for it.

The thing is, OP, you are married to a man who sees providing for you financially as his job, and everything else as your job.

You aren't being unreasonable to want him to limit his after work socialising so that you can spend time together as a couple. You also aren't unreasonable to want him to be more focused on family life at weekends so he actually spends some time with your child. I have no idea how he would cope if you were in an accident, because it sounds like he doesn't know the first thing about how to take care of your child.

You also aren't unreasonable to want to have a bit of you time and go to the gym. If your husband worked fewer hours and was more flexible, what you are currently doing would be absolutely fine and reasonable. However, since your husband resents doing that, and he does make a lot of money, I think it would be more sensible to use some of that money paying for childcare. Could you put your child in nursery two or three mornings a week? Or find a gym with a crèche that you can use while you're working out? This seems like a problem that can be fixed by throwing some money at it.

For what it's worth, a one year old is definitely old enough to be sleeping in their own room.

I don’t know how many nights a week he is out drinking and maybe that is a problem, but your husband is not working long hours. I had a corporate career, earning about half of what your husband earns and was never home before 7pm. In my 30 year corporate career, I cannot imagine anyone in a senior position being home that early. Jobs that come with £250k salaries usually come with long hours and as I say his hours seem pretty average to me.

I think he is right, you are selfish in expecting him to look after children whilst trying to get ready for work just so you can go to the gym! You need to find a gym with a crèche of otherwise find childcare and / or a different class.

He needs to stop whining and look after the baby so you go can do your gym mornings, but you need to start putting baby to bed with a monitor so you can spend some time with your husband in an evening.
He really does need to revaluate his priorities here, how about your gym mornings he stays late at work/goes to the pub, comes home at a reasonable time the other evenings?

@SAHMworry Ultimately your marriage sounds as if it is failing. If you divorce you would be expected to get a job and your husband would have some shared custody. Win for him because he gets to know his child on his terms. Lose for you because you will not be able to be around your child all the time.

When I was a SAHM and DH had a "big job" I wouldn't have expected him to look after DC in the mornings so I could go to the gym - I think that's a stressful start before his busy day.

If you don't want to use paid childcare, can you find ways to exercise with your DC around? Look for a buggy fit class, or get one of those all buggies that you can push while running? Or an exercise DVD at home? Or a bike ride with DC in a baby seat?

DH used to come home from his "big job" in time to do bathtime some nights, and I think your DH should make the effort to do that. It's lovely bonding time for them too - much nicer than the mornings when everyone is in a rush. At the very least, he should be doing bathtime on Sat or Sun.

It would be good to make time for you as a couple too. Again, if you don't want to use paid childcare, can you have "date night" at home? Have a nice meal, dress up, switch your phones off.

I think the set up you have is to be expected given how much your DP earns and the requirements of his job. However, I personally would be very unhappy with it. I would feel as though I wansnt in a relationship other than receiving financial security. It all sounds very lonely.

I do agree with your husband that you need to start prioritising time together but from your post it sounds as though he doesn’t make the effort either.

Have you said this to him though? Its possible it's chicken and egg a bit if not- he thinks youre in bed early and dont want to spend time together so doesnt rush home, but as hes mentioned spending time together you probably want the same thing even if you dont know it. What you want sounds absolutely more than reasonable, if you talk about it and he is like no thanks then that's a problem.

Honestly I'd have an open and honest conversation with him, it's one of those things that it appears you shouldn't have to and the other person should want to do x, y and z; but the reality is having a baby is a huge seismic change for everyone and it can be hard to know what others want and need as you try to find your own feet. It's not worth carrying on like this where you're both getting frustrated when it's possible there's a solution you're both happy and on board with.

I think whilst it sounds lovely to have a DH who earns so much it must be incredibly lonely to be in the OPs position. She is essentially solo parenting all the time.

How old is your child?

I think I would find an exercise group where you could take the baby along with you- there are lots locally to me. We even have a gym with PT sessions where you can take the baby along- you might have something similar near you? You might meet other mums which would do you lots of good.

I don't think your DH is going to change so it might be a case that you will need to adapt to deal with it but I think there are lots of things you can do to improve your quality of life and at least you have the funds and means to do so.

Due to his working hours, he can’t reasonably be expected to do much more with the baby

What, like not going to the pub every night so that he can actually see his baby between Monday and Friday?
Honestly I feel like I live in a parallel universe sometimes. I have a high earning DH who works long hours. He chose to come home before 7pm so that he could spend time with the baby he’d chosen to have and who he wanted to develop a bond with. I breastfed so bathing the baby every night was his bonding time. If he’s chosen to spend that time in the pub instead our marriage wouldn’t have lasted long.

I’ve been in/known a few people in a similar position. It’s one of enormous privilege overall, although there are clearly some downsides. But - and I mean this kindly - you seem to want to have your cake and eat it. For £250k, your DH is a partner/ has a senior City job. And that’s high stress and a pretty uncompromising environment. And the pub after work is presumably a bit of a networking/extension of the office type thing rather than a few pints in the local with the neighbours. And that funds your lifestyle and enables you to be at home with the baby.

I agree - he doesn’t sound terribly engaged with the baby, but a lot of men do struggle a bit until they can walk and talk. And you can’t really refuse to get childcare and then complain about not going out. Money is your friend here. I was very “funny” about using childcare, but one thing we did was find a local nanny who wanted a few extra hours to come one evening a week and play with the kids for a few hours and put them to bed while we had a more relaxing dinner at home. Gave us a bit of time for our own relationship but meant we were still “with” the kids and there wasn’t the level of stress about leaving them. Could you find that sort of arrangement? Someone might come to the gym with you and sit with the baby for an hour on that basis. And the “bed at 8pm” isn’t helpful either - you must realise that. If your baby is asleep, that’s a really good opportunity to have a drink and dinner with your DH and spend a bit of time together.

On the surface of it dh is in the wrong for going to the pub rather than coming home from work.

But in reality his wife has no interest in his being there. OP is in bed by 7:30, she refuses to spend time as a couple, won’t get a babysitter so they can have a meal out. Even if he wanted to have a meal at home he couldn’t because OP is in bed by 7:30.

The OP has checked out of their marriage. It’s as if she has a child now and so her dh is surplus to requirements. Even to the extent she only leaves his child with him on her terms.

Is it any wonder the DH has checked out as well?

A child over six months is perfectly old enough to be in their own room. And if the OP doesn’t want that then it’s still ludicrous to be going to bed at the same time as DC to the exclusion of your marriage.

I’m a SAHM with a lot less than £250k a year but I do sympathise with your situation. However, I find it challenging to get my 18 mo DS dressed, fed, cleaned up, teeth brushed and looking vaguely presentable ready for preschool at 9am. I usually manage to gulp down a tepid cup of coffee while following him round clearing up the trail of devastation. No chance of me looking half decent to take him or a proper breakfast. New found respect for single parents that manage the morning routine and then head out to work after dropping them at nursery. I can see why your DH is a little pissed off that you have all this money, you have the options of all/any forms of childcare and you choose to go to the gym in the morning making him stress and rush for work when you could literally go at any other time during the day.

Having said that, it would upset me great deal to think that my DH was actively avoiding any kind of parenting or even wanting to spend time with our DC which is the impression I’m getting from your updates so for that YANBU.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to want more help from your DH with DC as it’s about his input into family life which DC will pick up on as they grow up.

You mention your DC is under one OP. How old are they? If they are three months for example I can see why you are reluctant to leave them to socialise once in a while. If they are over six months and you’ve never been out socially then I think you need to try and take a step back and leave them a bit more with your DH in the evenings or try a baby sitter. My DH tries his best to say he can’t do things like dress or feed DC and I just leave him (sometimes leave the house) to get on with it as it’s the only way they will become confident at it!

rwgarding the mornings, men are a but useless at “getting on with it” with kids.

I’d find a gym with a crèche…as a SAHM, I’d say it’s your job to look after DC especially with DH working long hours. That’s coming from a SAHM.

Start going to bed after DC if you want to spend time with your husband too. He probably feels a bit neglected himself as he’s often working late and comes home to you in bed asleep…if you made plans with him on an evening (ie had tea together) then he might stop going to the pub.

I feel like your life is about you and baby now when there are three of you in your family.

The baby is 5 months old.