SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

you need to get some childcare and spend some time working on your marriage. otherwise you will not have a DH any more.

baby needs to move to own room - start getting ready for that

you need to stay up to see your DH in the evenings. have a nice dinner with him. get back to having grown-up conversations, time to connect with each other etc.

I get that DH is being hopeless as a parent, but with his working hours, he has probably barely had a chance. you need to ease him into it and help him spend more time with the baby. especially at the weekends.

get part-time childcare in the day so you can go to the gym or whatever else you need.

The baby isn't 'still in their room' - it's five months old and the OP is adhering to safe sleeping guidelines by putting them to bed in the same room as she sleeps in!

What? Did you read the post at all?

His hours during the week aren’t actually that long. He could be home in the evenings to participate in bedtime routine.

At under six months baby shouldn’t be left to sleep on their own so understand why OP is in bedroom at that time, but could you both watch a film together rather than you going to sleep (unless you are still having to get up lots during the night and are knackered)

Is the work he does during the weekend necessary?

Long hours just comes naturally with that sort of income. Being home before 7pm is actually quite unusual in these circumstances. My ex was the same and most of the time he worked till 8 or 9pm, sometimes past midnight.

I don't understand though why you are not facilitating the ideal situation you have written in this post. At the moment, if your DH comes home at 7pm, you will go and do bath and bedtime with your child and then you are gone for the rest of the night. Why don't you come back downstairs and have a drink or dinner with him? Him starting going to the pub is not that strange really if the alternative is to just sit on his own whilst you sleep upstairs.

Most mums are still at home with baby while dh works at 5 months. So this is nothing to do with being a SAHM. I think you're unreasonable to go to the gym early and to go to bed so early. I would ask him again to come home early and try to stay up. If you are tired then nap when baby naps. He needs to see you are doing this as a team.

Some posters seriously lacking in comprehension skills. Baby is 5 months, shouldn’t really be left upstairs by themselves yet ( not judging anyone who does but strictly the advice is not too so quite ok for OP to not want to) . Baby isn’t old enough for crèche at gym yet. My husband and I have barely had a meal out and our children are older, not everyone had childcare or feels ready to leave young children.

I think the problem is you have different ideas about family priorities. My husband and I have always been on the same page, currently kids needs come first, we will get our time as a couple back but currently it does take a bit of a back seat. A bottle of wine when the kids have gone to bed in a Saturday night is about it! When babies were tiny we watched several box sets in bed together while baby slept next to us. Just adapted to circumstance. Not saying people who prioritise things are wrong, it’s just you do have to agree otherwise resentment will grow in both sides.

I think you’re both at fault tbh.

You need to leave the baby more with your dh even if just an hour, you literally are getting in the way of him bonding with his dc.
Your dh needs to agree 1 night a week when he will be back at a reasonable time and can be a family.

When dd had her dc I saw her dh clumsily coping with 3 month dgs. I must have pulled a face. Dd saw it and said sharply ‘ he’s a father and he’s got to learn, ds will be fine.’
Although she ebf she went to Pilates from 12 weeks after birth and dgs screamed to begin with but he was fine.

You didn’t marry each other solely to procreate, you married because you wanted to be together. You need to get that closeness back, emotionally and physically even if you both just say nice things to each other and kiss goodbye in the morning.

And this ladies and no gentlemen is why we will never have equality

So many women willing to excuse shitty dads because they see 🤑🤑

Why because women are glued to babies?

I had to re-read this to make sure I wasn't making a mistake.

Why on EARTH can't her H get himself & one child up & ready (in fact, it's only himself he has to get ready, DC is going nowhere - he just has to keep an eye on him) a few times a week?

Of course OP isn't unreasonable.

Sadly, I doubt this will change & I can't imagine this marriage lasting, given the level of disinterest exhibited by her H. It's dreadful.

You need to leave the baby more with your dh even if just an hour, you literally are getting in the way of him bonding with his dc

The biggest thing getting in the way of him bonding with his DC is the fact that he would rather go to the pub every evening instead of seeing his DC.

@Snoken at under 6 months you should be in the same room as baby when they are asleep

You are both being unreasonable

He needs to engage with his child, or what’s the point

You need to make some time for him

I would sort this out or I don’t think you two are going to last. Ask him to leave work at 6.30 3 nights a week and limit weekend work to 3 hours.

It’s unreasonable to ask him to look after the baby in the mornings if that doesn’t work for him - it sounds like a chaotic start to the day. So get a sitter or a crèche with a gym - or ask him to look after the baby for a couple of evenings.

Make sure he takes the baby for half a day and the weekend.

The fact you are describing the baby as under 1, makes me think it’s close to 1?? In which case yes, going to bed with the baby and never being apart from it isn’t reasonable. It means you never spend time with your partner.

The baby is 5 months old. Can’t do anything for itself. Yes, at that age you pretty much have to be ‘glued’ to your baby. It’s a short period of your life.

@Luredbyapomegranate the OP has said the baby is 5 months old

@WandaWonder

The dad should be glued to it as well.

💯

OP please go back to work. It's not about it 'making sense'. It's about retaining your independence and identity. (Obviously when your baby is a little older c1 yo perhaps).

No because that is not normal for me for either parent

I think you've got into a difficult cycle. He is a high earner and there some expectations within those roles that you are never really unavailable. That's reality that's the price you pay for the salary.
On that salary you can afford a crèche for the time you are in the gym and need to explore that.
The last point is do you go to bed every night with your baby? If so your husband must be lonely sat downstairs while your asleep every evening so inevitably goes to the pub.

Work and compromise come from both sides when you have a child, both of you need to do that I hope you can work it through

I think there's lots to unpick here, and whilst my short response is he isn't doing enough here, I'd say there's compromises to be had on both sides.

1. Him looking after ds in the morning as he gets ready for work is a non event - plenty of working parents manage to get themselves up and ready for work and the dc ready for childcare/school etc. hibu. As long as you are home in time for him to leave at his normal time, keep on insisting on this.

1. He chooses to stay out of the home after work instead of coming home to spend time with his child, and you. So if he is so adamant that he wants you and him to have time together, he needs to come home straight from work for the majority of the week.

1. As you bottle feed, he needs to be given either Friday or Saturday as his On Duty night. That means from the time he should be home from work, dc is his responsibility. Bathtime, stories, nappies, feeds, including all overnight waking. This is the night you go sleep in the spare room.

1. I agree with dc staying in your room another month or so, fair enough, and get that you may not want them being babysat at this age. Start using the monitor and coming downstairs on an evening.

1. Repeat to your dh in every conversation about this, that you are prioritising your child. He is prioritising himself. At least your actions are that of a good parent, even if there could still be space made for the relationship.

Maybe it is about reframing this in your mind. Think of it as working at team with each playing to their strengths. He has a high-earning career; you are enjoying looking after your child. You will get your chance to get back to your career soon.

But .... it is not ideal that he is out so much, especially the pub, as he does not get the chance to set up his own relationship with his child, and the longer it is just you looking after child, the harder it will be for him to do that - your way will automatically become the "right" way because it is what your child is used to.

Could your baby not go into another room soon? Mine were in their own rooms when they were very small.

Could you find a gym with a creche?

I know how hard it is to be all things to all people, but both of you need to build in couple time, or your tracks will lead in opposite directions.

How to get him to come home when work finishes rather than heading for the pub? - I don't know but that seems pretty critical to me. How else will you see each other or him see his child?

There is a lot of research to show that fathers denied the right to spend time with their children find it much harder to bond.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8212974/

@SAHMworry
You need to leave your baby alone with your husband regularly even if it is just for an hour whilst you go for a walk. Don't stay in the house. You will be tempted to step in if the baby cries and your husband will feel observed for taking care of his own child.
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jun/20/husband-shared-parental-leave-fathers-partner-care

Yes I just saw that - sorry OP.

However, that is old enough that you don’t need to be going to bed at the same time. And you are close to old enough to move the baby to its own room.

Yabu and also selfish and quite spoiled. Our gym does classes from 8am right through until evening and has a creche. Find one like that or get a babysitter for the morning. If you don't and are happy to make him late then I think you're looking for a fight which is probably why he stays out drinking until you are in bed.
Lots of issues need discussing here or it will end in tears.