SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

It sounds like he drinks too much. Does he drink every day?

In a perfect world he would be a more engaged father. But he's not.

You are in the position of being able to throw money at a lot of your problems.

Hire a babysitter- to help you while you are also there. Once you've built up some comfort and trust, you can start leaving your baby with the babysitter for short, and then longer periods of time. Use that time to socialise, exercise, and do whatever you want.

Do you have a career to return to? What happens if DH leaves you or dies or loses his job? If you don't need to work I suggest using this time to study and gain skills.

Unless he's willing to do the childcare himself he doesn't her a say on him going to nursery so you can work.

Doesn't sound like you have any intention of working though

Well I'm guessing you knew about the expected work hours before you had a child with your h. It would be great if he rushed home every night but can also see he might want some downtime out of the house.

I do think you are unreasonable expecting him to look after baby before work. I really do think it might be a good idea to find a gym with a creche or put lo in childcare a couple of mornings a week to allow you some time to yourself.

I also think you need to accept your relationship will suffer if you refuse to make the effort to spend time with your H.

Yes this is so true. I suppose DH expects me to focus less on DC and more on us, and I’m expecting him to focus less on work and more on us and neither of us is compromising much and viewing the other as selfish.

I mean, she would, but OP has said in a later post her DH is off back out to the gym in the evenings.

This guy really doesn't want to be a parent.

@SAHMworry

You don't need nursery, you can afford a nanny.

Oh and he also shouldn’t be leaving work to go to the pub most nights either! He’s the selfish one, not you.

So he gets ‘down time’ at the pub and that’s ok but OP wants her ‘down time’ at the gym and that isn’t ok?

Your Dh is doing normal things, you choose not too

He is not the one with the problem

You shouldn’t expect him to look after the baby in the mornings when he’s heading to work - that’s unreasonable. And one drink in a pub after work is not a major issue.

Your DH is doing nothing you didn’t both agree to. The problem with being an SAHM to a small baby is that it can get very boring and you can feel trapped. Then you begin to feel resentful and take it out on your DH. This leads to him feeling irritated and bored by your complaints. He’ll tell you to get a hobby or go out more - but you can’t because the baby is still such an overwhelming priority for you (and for other mums too so it’s not like you have a huge social life out there anyway). Then he’ll start spending more time out if the house to get away from your nagging and will start to become detached from you which will make you more resentful. And so the downward spiral begins….

Many of us have been there, even those of us who work but still (voluntarily, in my case) do most of the childcare.

The trick - and I can’t emphasise this enough - is to know that this is temporary and meanwhile not to take your anger, frustration, boredom and tiredness out on your DH. Explain to him calmly how you feel and that if you’re crabby at times it’s not his fault. Don’t nag him to spend more time at home. Make him WANT to do it. And don’t be a martyr. Take control of your own life. Get a childminder for a few hours per week and use the time for exercise, gym, sleep, meet friends, whatever. I would strongly advise that you aim to go back to work, even part-time, in the future so you may want to look at keeping up skills.

Don't blame your DH and push him away.

I’ve been a SAHM, Was until DC was 7. My friends and family thought I was so lucky. It’s actually shite, in reality you’re the slave so your husband can live his life with absolutely no restrictions because the kid is “your job” and they are working “so hard” to provide. I now work and love having my own freedom and albeit far smaller salary than his (don’t particularly love my job) but it has improved our marriage 100%.

I know - AIBU wasn't the best place for this. I'd have put it in relationships!

I had three under 5 and therefore couldn't work as much as before then so DH had the big and busy job .. I love my exercise- so use a lot of online classes .. have every type of weight, mat, resistance band and roller at home .. the kids are older now but I've carried it on - there is no way I could keep to the exercise program I have if I had to factor commute to and from a gym . In an ideal world yes of course you could get to the gym but I found another way and I love it .. I do a mix of weights/ Pilates/ barre / HIIT. For the price of a gym membership I can buy online subscription or treat myself to new equipment

Gobsmacked at some of these replies to be honest. Selfish for going to the gym in the morning meaning her DH just needs to be a little bit more organised? Yet it’s fine for him to go out for drinks nearly every evening, which means he barely sees his DC on weekdays?
The problem is OP people see that he’s a high earner and therefore think you should just be grateful for your lot and not expect any free time of your own.
If he wants to spend more time with you he could always not go out for drinks after work every evening.

If he leaves around 8 and has stage option to get back at 630, or go to the pub, and has his evenings free enough to go to the gym, he doesn’t actually work very long hours at all.
apart from the weekend working (which sounds like avoidance mostly) that’s prettt light hours for a ‘big job’ £250k role
So I’d bat that complaint away straight off

How old is your baby OP?

I am in the same position as you and understand how you feel. You’re resentful having to do everything. My advice - start leaving him with your child. Go to the gym at weekends or evenings. It’s stressful getting yourself ready for work never mind a baby as well. He probably also feels disengaged as he doesn’t have to do anything without you asking him to. He’ll only feel he has any responsibility when you let him have some by leaving him to it.

I have walked this path. If you want your DH to have a relationship with your child and understand how hard a SAHM mum is then you need to leave him to it and go meet friends/gym/cinema. A day for you.

He has said to OP to go out and he will be fine looking after his child (as he should) or has suggested a babysitter but OP doesn't want to. OP is largely choosing to have no down time. If his usual time home is 1930 and OP is in bed at 2000 to 2030ish then can see why the pub is more appealing than half an hour or so with his wife before she goes to bed.

Most men don't just become fathers when their baby is born, it takes time for them to learn how to parent and he's not getting the opportunity to - at this stage if he starts I imagine everything he will do will be 'wrong.' Most of us leave our children with their dads while we go shopping or out with friends or whatever and it really does help OP it's important for their relationship, not just your happiness. Before work isn't really a good time for this, it's stressful trying to get ready for work when you're having porridge flung at you and dirty nappies to clean.

I wouldn't be happy about the pub after work thing but it mainly depends what time he's coming home. If he's literally going for one or two it's not that big a problem really, and it does sound lonely for him working all day then coming home to an empty house when you and the baby are off to bed. Not that I blame you for that either because it is very tiring looking after a baby/toddler all day.

You're in a position where you can throw money at this problem...I would start by booking a break for the 3 of you to take together. Your husband and child can get to know each other and you can recharge and hopefully feel more confident to leaver them together when you come home.

If he's earning £250k plus I would be hiring a nanny and a personal trainer...

This is how I expected DH to be too. I think DH also thought he would be like this but it just hasn’t happened.

We haven’t actually had sex since DC was born. DH has said I have turned cold with him and doesn’t understand how tiring it is to be home all day with a baby. It’s not that either of us has turned the other down, it’s just neither of us has initiated anything with the other as we just don’t really get the chance to be honest.

Tbh sounds like you have it great! Lots of options for additional help if you you want it (ie you just pay for it). "Problem" solved.

So your husband earns £250k - with that comes the constant working at weekends/crazy long hours. I don't think you can hold working long hours against him seeing as you're also benefiting from the salary (let's be honest).

Like others have said, find a David Lloyds or similar gym with a crèche so you can just go to the gym in the morning.

I think you are both being unreasonable, and neither of you seem particularly interested in being married to each other. DH would rather be at work or in the pub, you are in bed before he comes home from work and you won’t leave DC with a babysitter.

I’d say focus on your marriage and yourselves, both of you. Although you may find there’s nothing to salvage.

You’d be able to spend the evenings together if you weren’t going to bed at 8pm. I’m afraid that would hack me off if I were him.

All well and good to prioritise your child but they will fly the nest and what will you have left? You need to work on your relationship too.

Just put child in nursery whilst at gym or find one with a creche.